I’m In the Driver’s Seat of My Life. How’s Your Driving?

Two years and twenty-three days on the sober front for me today.

It’s hard to miss being a drunk, so I don’t.

I did a road trip to Michigan last weekend.

I have decided to move back to Michigan at the end of July and went to Michigan this past weekend to talk it over with my mom and sisters. Of course, I also spent time with my children and niece and discussed it with them as well (kid-friendly version 🙂 ) It was my middle sister’s Birthday too.

Great trip.

Here’s where I’m at in my head……

The regretful thoughts on all the time I missed out on with them are there every time I see my family and children, not gonna’ lie. I also know to build anything of real value in the future between any of them, I must let that go and focus on the present.

It was more than fulfilling to have conversations with both my sisters and mother about letting those thoughts go, and it makes it easier to know that I am loved, even though I’ve done some of the most disgusting things in my life, and allowed myself to fall more times than I care to admit.

That didn’t work out so well.

We all fall, it’s how we get back up when we feel like we can’t that makes all the difference.

Surely.

It is clear to me after this trip, that moving back is the right choice and the best option for my future. Now everyone that needs to know does, including where I work and my children.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared because I am for quite a few reasons, but I know that I could never be there for my kids or family in the capacity that I want to be if I’m over four hours away and it is hard for me to physically be there in the first place.

Now comes the details part, which is daunting, to say the least, but doable if I apply myself and just use my brain.

I’m sure I’ll have to do some sacrificing on something, so I’m breaking it down into a more manageable and realistic plan than I had originally envisioned it.

Modify.

Make it work.

I’m definitely not afraid to try to build some sort of solid future for myself, and let’s face it; I’ve moved so many times I’ve lost count.

Really, if I had to boil it down…

I know that it is my fear of failing that is making me scared.

I am a perfectionist. I was around people growing up that had to have it a certain way. It is something that I struggle with and it does hold me back. STILL…

I am a perfectionist.

So for all intents and purposes, much of my sober life now has been about letting go of some of that perfectionism.

I’m older now, and definitely wiser by way of hard lessons and truths learned the hard way.

I realized that you can’t stop time. You can try, but you will fail.

Time heals. Time changes everything.

Time does not stop for anything or anyone.

It is best to realize that straight away and deal with life head-on.

Live.

The fear that used to keep me now is the very thing I use to drive me forward.

If I fail, at least I can say I tried. Better than not trying at all.

What better thing to fight for than a healthy relationship with my kids and family?

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@gilamby_trending #gilambytrending

I think it’ll make me a lot better too. Feel better. Do better. Be better.

It’s surely a win in all regards.

It’s a money thing now; also organizing that BS with my “no time to travel to Michigan to look for places to live” issue.

Modify.

Make it work.

This is the plan.

I will miss Ohio because of the friends I’ve made and the bonds I’ve formed with the animals at work.

I can’t stop time.

Anything I can do in Ohio, I can do in Michigan.

Two years and twenty-three days ago, I wouldn’t have been able to say that I could truthfully be a positive role model in my children lives.

Now I can.

It is not the same relationship anymore and I think that’s ok. It does and has the potential to be better than the one I had before, and that means it’s moving forward.

That means everything.

I’m so excited to have my family back in my life. I was so angry for so long, but mostly the person I was angry with was myself.

I never in my life, gave myself the credit for the good things in me; only the bad.

Today I’m loving the fact that the world seems “doable” for me. Even if I have to take it in peaces and parts and string it together.

Becoming sober again, actually feeling my feelings rather than suppressing them, and re-wiring some of my negative thought processes to healthier ones, has given me the realization that

I’m the one in the driver’s seat of my life; no one else.

I’m a good driver now because I’m mindful and truthful about my struggles.

My life means something to me now. That is the greatest gift of it.

Where will I go from here?

Where will YOU go?

Please stay strong in your heart. It’s ok to ask for help when you need it. Most of all, remaining positive and mindful when you are not is key.

Love yourself.

Things will change for the better.

You can believe it because I am living proof.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

To accept the things I cannot change, and build a new foundation for trust.

I went to Michigan to see my children and my mother a few weeks ago. I went by myself and stayed with my mother at her condominium.

It was a good trip; extremely therapeutic for me.

As I drove there and back to Ohio, I considered a lot of things.

The hardest part of the trip for me; as is every trip to Michigan; was seeing the obvious anxiety that my daughter still has when she sees me.

We are still somewhat awkward with each other anyway; because we are re-learning each other again, and I have not been around in some years.

It’s hard to know that I caused her damage that I cannot reverse. For whatever reasons they were, I will always regret hurting my youngest daughter in a way that will always make her question me.

I hate myself for it. To see it on her face is hard, but I know it is hardest for her. This beautiful child should never have to question her mother’s love or have had to in the first place.

Fact.

Today I put forth the effort every day to be a better person than I was yesterday. Even if it’s just little things like being more soft-spoken than I’d normally be, I do put forth the effort every day to be better in myself.

I understand what I’ve done and what it will take to have trusts form again between my youngest two.

I know that it will not be a traditional relationship. I know the reality.

Regarding my kids, I try to be totally honest with them now.

I am still not perfect, but I do what I say I’m going to do. If I can’t or think I might not be able to, I’m honest about it.

Because wanting to do, and doing, are two totally different things. Like saying you’ll be there, is totally different than saying you might not be there, but you’ll try your hardest to be.

I stopped promising my kids things that I know I can’t do.

It is better to disappoint with the truth than to make a promise and fall through on it.

I learned that hardcore, the wrong way; the hard way.

I damaged my kids because of it.

I worry about follow through a lot these days. In general, but regarding my kids for sure.

I’m trying to let them live their lives without major interference from me. They have a new family unit and are happy. I try to respect that fully.

I miss them every day.

I cry sometimes still because I’ve missed my kids growing up and every major event in their lives, since for years and years. I regret it.

I know I cannot change the past. I know that my daughter has anxiety because I chose to give up on myself and them. I was a combination of suicidal, scared, hopeless, distraught, sick in my head with grief over my whole life and what my life even meant after my son started getting sick, and then even more after he passed.

It was still no excuse to give up on my kids and everything.

I worried every day. All day long. But it was about if my son was going to die, and then it became what I could have done differently to prevent his death.

It was my entire focus for over a decade.

I was there, but I was not. Then I was not there at all.

I had a major lapse, and then I drank and combined it with narcotics to numb my brain from feeling any of it.

That truth is so hard to admit.

I will never be able to tell you what that feels like to have to know that your daughter has every legit right to be anxious around you.

What a selfish alcoholic I was. I tried to hide it and just couldn’t hide anything.

You can’t hide the truth, without repercussions.

This I know for sure.

I think of who I was then, and who I am today. I hope every day that my kids will start to see, some of the good changes in me.

I hope they will be able to trust me again in the future.

My children inspire me to keep going. If I cannot keep going for anything else; I will for them.

I told my daughter on the phone the last time I talked to her that I will always come back for her. Always.

I wanted her to know that I’m not going to get sick and go away again.

I know that I have enough coping and life skills in me now, to be able to prevent that from ever happening again. I have a support system. I have tools. But she doesn’t know that. How could she?

I hope that one day my daughter will feel happy to see me, instead of anxious.

It’s a goal that I have to work on, on my end if it; because I’m the one that made the problem.

Trauma is real and comes in many forms. If you do not deal with your own trauma, it projects out and you will cause trauma in other people’s lives. More so, you will systematically push away everything in the world that ever mattered to you, until you are alone with nothing else left but your thoughts.

Then you will begin to see the damage you have created for yourself, and for the people who love you.

My children had no choice in the matter. I did. I made the wrong ones.

If you can relate to any of this, my advice is find it in you to change right now.

Do not miss out on the best things in your life.

It is all I can do to keep moving forward now.

For my kids; for my future, for myself.

I can’t help but remember sometimes, because I know my kids still do. I hope to make it right in the end.

I have more to write about my kids, but that’s enough for today.

Love yourself; because if you don’t love yourself, no one else will be able to either.

P.s. Sorry about the head-chop Austin, your sister took the picture 🙂 ❤

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME