Changes for the Better are Never Bad

There was a point and time in my life that I thought I was doomed forever.

The affections of fickle lovers and the constant yearning for something in my life that made me feel alive, was pretty much all I had.

I was suspended in a place in my mind, that I could not allow anyone else to go or get close to, for fear of suffocating under the weight of my own expectations that could never be reached.

It was a bleak madness that had taken over, and sent me someplace into the dark to which I could not escape. I could feel life leaving me every day.

It was at yet again in a bottom to a bottom moment, that I made a choice.

Somehow I decided that being alive, and being happy and living life are two totally different things.

I began to look at myself from a different perspective. I decided that the only way I was going to change would to be to drop the song and dance and look at my past patterns, and change them.

No more excuses.

I started setting boundaries for myself about how I would treat others, and how I would allow others to treat me. Trying to do positive things for myself, instead of setting myself up for a fall, knowing full-well I was going to fall in the first place. Making immediate goals and lists of things I needed to do, focusing on the immediate, and getting myself into therapy. Taking a stand. Fighting for my own life. Actively trying. Putting myself first.

Call it anything you want but I saved my own life, so I could finally start living it.

I made the decision to do it, No one else. Even though my life is far from perfect, it was the best decision I could have ever made.

Opting out is no longer an option in my world. I’m glad about that.

Life is journey. The paths you cut for yourself are were and when you choose to cut them. You decide.

It is work to keep myself in a positive space sometimes; but it’s SO much easier now that I released myself from my own prison.

I know wherever life takes me, I can get through it, and that I’m strong enough to.

That’s pretty much all I need to know to wake up tomorrow at peace.

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c) 2016 ~Peaces of Me

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June 27, 2016

Even though you are scared shitless and don’t think anything is going to be O.K. at all right now; IT’S GOING TO BE O.K.; O.K.?!  Just believe it and make it so. You are a strong person and you can do anything you set your mind to.

You can do it. You have been through, and survived, worse things than this.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds 2016~Peaces of me

I’m Half Way There…I Think (revised)

If you knew then what you know now, would you do it all over again?

YES.

If I never would have done it, then I never would know in the first place. Isn’t that the point? I also wouldn’t have been able to learn from anything; or grow into a stronger, better, more confident, more loving, understanding person that I am today… on the inside.

Do I have regrets?
YES. Several.  But it’s the journey for me.

There are many times in my life I wish I would have, should have, and could have dealt with things differently and better. But at the same time, I also know that I can’t go back to change any of those things. I can only acknowledge them and try to make amends on the relations I hurt; and learn from my crappy decisions.

I know it is like that for everyone in different ways. Yes; it is.

It was hard for me to find myself, hence my growth.

I’m starting to embrace my life for what it has been, IS, and for what it can be. My shrink says that’s a good thing; (Lol) I agree.

I don’t think life is about not having any regrets at all, and I don’t really believe anyone who says they have none. In my opinion, I think it rather being; living your life to the fullest and having as few regrets as possible.

This is MY story, and so it is it’s own. I have faith in myself. That’s all I know.

I’m going to be O.K., because I’m a strong person.

I fought for it every step of the way too.

“Your weapon chooses you, as much as you choose it.” ~Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Word.

J.Rounds 2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Things We Cannot Change

I’ve learned to expect less of people, because the disappointment I used to feel in others, was becoming unbearable.

I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing, but because of this I generally feel numb inside; otherwise known as walls up.
It’s nothing new, I have said it before.

I have finally put the time into myself instead; and have decided that people can’t really affect me, unless I let them.  I am finally becoming much smarter in the way I see others now.

People treat me like I am stupid and don’t have the right to have feelings, way more than they should; and I get tired of it. I’m also tired of being used emotionally and financially in negative ways and lied to openly, by people that should know better.

I’m blocking those people out of my life now.

One by one.
My walls are still up.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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The 411

I went off of Facebook. I do not know how long it will last, but I need space. I don’t want to plummet down into wherever it is I go, on display again. I couldn’t take one more single minute of it.

How’s that for dramatic?

I’m trying to keep it together when really I just want to go to sleep and stay that way.

True. True. True. True.

I don’t think my medicine is working properly. I have an appointment on the 13th and I will see what they say.

I’m warning people close to me, because I can’t help it.

I’m giving myself a break and being grateful for the things I do have. Not giving up.

But I didn’t need this at all.

My brain is tired and I have to catch up on school.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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A Writers’ Peace

There’s just some days it hurts a little bit more.

True fact.

I don’t much write about my good times, I tend to photograph them.

My bad times though I have to write about them, and feel compelled to. It helps to process the feelings I have inside, and lowers my anxiety. Another reason I make lists as well.

I go back and read the stuff that I’ve written sometimes. It’s a form of self-healing and comfort to me. I do it for me….

Writing has taught me to become a stronger person that I *never thought that I could become.

It is my best friend.

J.Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

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He was #1

 

I got married the first time because I didn’t know any differently. I was 20. I was a wild child, a free spirit, and a misguided, misunderstood soul.

I just thought that you were supposed to marry the person who asked you; and so I did. I thought like that because I didn’t think right about anything back then. I had no clue about marriage; only my parents’ marriage, which ended in divorce when I was 14. I didn’t think anyone would want to marry me; let alone ask me to. How ridiculous is that.

It didn’t even matter that he was 16 years my senior at all; and that I had met him at the adult book store I worked at. I thought we were in love.

Classy I know. I’m sure my mother was thrilled with me on many levels.

I was only married for 10 months, had a late term abortion, and it took me six years to get out of the relationship fully afterwards because I worked for him and I was addicted to coke.

Funny the things you remember again, when you can no longer push them down.

That shit’s over with THANK the gods.

LOVE YOURSELF.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

2016-01-27 23.22.33

 

I Will Eat You Alive

Just start at the beginning.

The beginning of what?

The beginning of today.

What happens when I get to the end?

Start over.

All you have is today,  you know.

Or not.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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