In the simplest form; the best way to explain it; would be to say, that I feel like I am whole, but I am half at the same time.
There are areas of my life that I am thriving in; such as remaining sober; being honest about who I am; that I don’t have it all together, that I’m trying to change the things I need to, to become better; that I’m trying to help others believe in the fact that they CAN change and help them to, in ways that I am capable of; personal career goals and projects that I work on when I have no other obligations; working at my job….things like that.
I’m just hoping this anger in me will go away. Because it’s holding me…back.
It makes me feel completely unwhole.
I think it has for many reasons; for many, many, many years; and I don’t want to deal with it at all…and so I’m out of sorts and floundering…because I know I HAVE to deal with it.
I don’t know how to.
I breathe; but the anxiety is there still. The anger is still there, just under the surface; waiting to come out when the next person challenges me, or the next life-bomb drops.
I’m writing about it, to save my own self from future misunderstandings… to save my sanity.
As messed up as it might feel to admit it; I think something really clicked in me when I realized I was going to be on my own again, and had wasted more years of my life, that felt like… was for nothing; and in most regards I did. I think there’s legit anger there.
I do realize that this is my story, and that that was also my decision to get involved in. I’m Still bitter from it…obviously. Because it changed the course and direction of my life to a place that I was not prepared for; or expecting it to go at all.
This is life, I guess.
But it really hit me, how angry I was about life in general; when my mother told me that my father was dead.
Since the age of 13, I have been beating myself up; over the fact that my fathers’ did not want me.
It has turned to resentment and hatred. It seeps into other areas of my life; and makes me act irrational and overly agressive when I’m feeling threatened.
I don’t want to admit that, but it’s true.
Usually it is word- related only. In written form.
You’ve seen it. Ruthless slues of words that describe what I think at the time; on this blog or my social accounts; and it’s mostly NOT nice.
God help you if you are in my actual space when it happens; you better hope if you’ve hurt me emotionally, that you don’t say any BS. Because I’m not nice at all. I will get physical if I feel like you are up in my space.
Not proud of it at all, either.
I do not like confrontation at all; especially physical. This is why I try to stay away from it directly.
Seems like it’s always around in some way though……Life.
Technically; that’s a fairly straight-forward hypocritical way to be; when your goal is to help others; not hurt them.
Even if it is warranted. Even if I feel like I’m right about the situation. It doesn’t really matter at all; if I can’t cope with the stuff that happens to me in this life; and I act irrational.
I see other people that I have known in my life, on social media; dealing with LIFE or DEATH situations where they might not live another year, another month, or even another day.
I feel tremendous guilt in thinking that my mental issues in any way rival that; and it makes me realize that I have actually taken a step back in my recovery.
It sucks to realize this.
Although I am sober; what’s the point of being sober; if I am at times…acting like a dry- drunk anyways.
There’s a rhectorical period there; because I already know that
There is no point in that at all.
I am not about to revert back to my alcoholism AT ALL.
The only other option I have is to deal with my anger. I must deal with these anger issues I have; or I will never be whole, and I will always feel incomplete…and I will always be alone inside my head….with no way out.
Thank god for my dog Regina and my cat Lolita; because they have been my solice for a bit now.
I looked up my health care benefits, and they have a list of Doctors about a page-and a-half long that I have to go through, to find one that offers EMDR treatment and accepts new patients.
I’m frustrated; because I personally feel they should have the types of therapies they offer also listed under each doctor, and they don’t. It highly increases my anxiety level, as it quadruples the time it will take. I’m going to sift through these doctors right now anyways, before work; because I know I need to learn these skills.
It is the only way I feel like I can get going again…thee only way to be truly happy; I’m sure of it.
I’m positive; I’d say…about 65% of the time.
It is easy to stay positive in certain enviroments.
Not so in others. Bring in uncontrollable factors; and before you know it, you have a bi-polar chick with PTSD writing a storm through her keyboard.
I prefer the rainbows in me; because when I am happy; I spread it to everyone in any way I can.
On the inside; my pain is locked away behind a door that is too small. I can feel the ghosts lapping at my heals; and I’m terrified they will infect me again, and take over for good.
The Jenni I know to be the real Jenni; is NOT going to let that happen.
I am sorry to the people I have hurt with my words and my attitude.
Warranted or not; it is NOT the person I am; or want to be.
All I can do today; is provide this blog to you, and the EMDR link; find a doctor; go to work; DO, not try; and most of all BE KIND.
I hate it when I feel like a shit.
It makes me just the same as everybody else.
J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME