Therapy.

I spoke to the woman at the therapy center I found, that offers the EMDR treatment that I’ve been wanting to get.

She told me that even though they did accept my insurance; the particular therapist I enquired about, was not taking new patients and wouldn’t be any time soon.

At first I was bummed, because from what it looked like, that therapist was the only one at that office that offered the EMDR therapy.

I’m glad I took some deep breaths; and didn’t let my thinking get away from me on it. The next thing the woman told me, was that that was not the case. The main therapist of the whole place; was somewhat of a guru of EMDR it seems; and he would be back from vacation next week. After that they were going to be opening up the schedule, and they could then, get me in.

She put me on a waiting list, and said it would be anywhere from one to three weeks wait; and she would call me soon.

I’m relieved. In my mind I thought it was going to be way harder to get something set up; I’m glad I was wrong about that.

I’m glad I made the effort to get the ball rolling finally, and that I stopped focusing on the scariness factor of it all. I’m sure that fear will be an ongoing challenge, that I will have to continue to work through.

Fear has always held me; and held me back from all kinds of things I could have done in life.

I know now that those things can still come to fruition…..and fear is just an emotion that I should stop giving so much power to.

I am proud of myself for doing today. I am proud of myself for not feeling shameful about needing more coping skills. I am proud of myself for accepting the fact that it is ok to be an ongoing work in progress.

Progress is what counts; and the work to get there, I know I am capable of doing.

I am one year, three months, and twenty-two days sober; and I will be 47 years old, in a week.

I hope to see my children in the next weeks coming up to celebrate; but I think following through on this therapist thing, is equally as important of a Birthday gift to myself.

I know we all move in our own ways. Sometimes it takes less time than it would take someone else to make their move. Sometimes you have to learn how to make the move.

Sometimes you just have to jump in, and have faith that you are a strong swimmer; when you know for a fact that you are.

I will be ok. I will be better than ok. I will continue to be patient every day with myself; because I am my own friend; and a good one .

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Feeling more upbeat again.

Good news is, I’m starting to feel better again. I’m focusing on that, because It’s way better than beating myself up over the fact that I didn’t a few days ago.

I have ongoing mental disorders, and I have to accept that.

I don’t really want to; but let’s get real, already….

Jenni.

It’s not like I’m going around trying to bipolar and PTSD on everyone everyday or do; so I’m definitely going to have to give myself a break regarding my ups and downs. Back-track is going to happen at points because I am human.

I HAVE been extremely stressed. There ARE valid reasons behind it.

It’s going to be alright, even when it doesn’t feel like it; and I know that.

I’m going to be alright.

That’s why I’m bouncing back quicker after the dips nowa’days.

I DO have coping skills in me; and the EMDR therapy, should help me to not dip as much in the future.

I have two calls in currently, to potential therapists. I’m hoping it won’t be a long, drawn-out process; but I also think I have to be patient in all regards, because I also have a feeling that a lot of phone tag is going to be going on before I get an appointment anywhere.

That’s just me being realistic, based on my own knowledge about how the mental health system works.

It’ll be ok. I will find that EMDR therapist; and I will learn even better skills.

I will.

Patience. I will keep on top of it, until I find a therapist….and I am doing it for me.

Nap after work today, instead of painting; because I needed it.

Picked up a double on Sunday; and also starting to make peace with T, finally.

I had to for ME. There’s no sense in focusing on things of the past that cannot be changed…even if they were shitty. Only letting go of the negativity and bitterness of it will heal me in that area; also realizing that I’m not the only one who struggles with demons. I know I’m not.

There will never be the kind of future for us like we planned to have; but a supportive friendship I think is something that is being built again between us, right now. As friends. I believe that that is better for both of us anyways. He will always be important to me; and I can’t deny that fact.

That’s a huge step for me to say that; and we will see. I know it depends on me, just as much as him…and it is what it is……

I’m just making peaces.

Life is funny the way it works, and even funnier when you live inside my head.

I need to put a map up there, complete with “you are here” markers. It would give other people a fighting chance in understanding me; and maybe when I get lost, it’d be easier to find my way back too.

That’s never going to happen; but I AM working on it, every day. 🙂

475 days without alcohol; and knowing that I am on my way to greater things. 🙂

This I know.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of Me

Deal with your anger.

In the simplest form; the best way to explain it; would be to say, that I feel like I am whole, but I am half at the same time.

There are areas of my life that I am thriving in; such as remaining sober; being honest about who I am; that I don’t have it all together, that I’m trying to change the things I need to, to become better; that I’m trying to help others believe in the fact that they CAN change and help them to, in ways that I am capable of; personal career goals and projects that I work on when I have no other obligations; working at my job….things like that.

I’m just hoping this anger in me will go away. Because it’s holding me…back.

It makes me feel completely unwhole.

I think it has for many reasons; for many, many, many years; and I don’t want to deal with it at all…and so I’m out of sorts and floundering…because I know I HAVE to deal with it.

I don’t know how to.

I breathe; but the anxiety is there still. The anger is still there, just under the surface; waiting to come out when the next person challenges me, or the next life-bomb drops.

I’m writing about it, to save my own self from future misunderstandings… to save my sanity.

As messed up as it might feel to admit it; I think something really clicked in me when I realized I was going to be on my own again, and had wasted more years of my life, that felt like… was for nothing; and in most regards I did. I think there’s legit anger there.

I do realize that this is my story, and that that was also my decision to get involved in. I’m Still bitter from it…obviously. Because it changed the course and direction of my life to a place that I was not prepared for; or expecting it to go at all.

This is life, I guess.

But it really hit me, how angry I was about life in general; when my mother told me that my father was dead.

Since the age of 13, I have been beating myself up; over the fact that my fathers’ did not want me.

It has turned to resentment and hatred. It seeps into other areas of my life; and makes me act irrational and overly agressive when I’m feeling threatened.

I don’t want to admit that, but it’s true.

Usually it is word- related only. In written form.

You’ve seen it. Ruthless slues of words that describe what I think at the time; on this blog or my social accounts; and it’s mostly NOT nice.

God help you if you are in my actual space when it happens; you better hope if you’ve hurt me emotionally, that you don’t say any BS. Because I’m not nice at all. I will get physical if I feel like you are up in my space.

Not proud of it at all, either.

I do not like confrontation at all; especially physical. This is why I try to stay away from it directly.

Seems like it’s always around in some way though……Life.

Technically; that’s a fairly straight-forward hypocritical way to be; when your goal is to help others; not hurt them.

Even if it is warranted. Even if I feel like I’m right about the situation. It doesn’t really matter at all; if I can’t cope with the stuff that happens to me in this life; and I act irrational.

I see other people that I have known in my life, on social media; dealing with LIFE or DEATH situations where they might not live another year, another month, or even another day.

I feel tremendous guilt in thinking that my mental issues in any way rival that; and it makes me realize that I have actually taken a step back in my recovery.

It sucks to realize this.

Although I am sober; what’s the point of being sober; if I am at times…acting like a dry- drunk anyways.

There’s a rhectorical period there; because I already know that

There is no point in that at all.

I am not about to revert back to my alcoholism AT ALL.

The only other option I have is to deal with my anger. I must deal with these anger issues I have; or I will never be whole, and I will always feel incomplete…and I will always be alone inside my head….with no way out.

Thank god for my dog Regina and my cat Lolita; because they have been my solice for a bit now.

I looked up my health care benefits, and they have a list of Doctors about a page-and a-half long that I have to go through, to find one that offers EMDR treatment and accepts new patients.

I’m frustrated; because I personally feel they should have the types of therapies they offer also listed under each doctor, and they don’t. It highly increases my anxiety level, as it quadruples the time it will take. I’m going to sift through these doctors right now anyways, before work; because I know I need to learn these skills.

It is the only way I feel like I can get going again…thee only way to be truly happy; I’m sure of it.

I’m positive; I’d say…about 65% of the time.

It is easy to stay positive in certain enviroments.

Not so in others. Bring in uncontrollable factors; and before you know it, you have a bi-polar chick with PTSD writing a storm through her keyboard.

I prefer the rainbows in me; because when I am happy; I spread it to everyone in any way I can.

On the inside; my pain is locked away behind a door that is too small. I can feel the ghosts lapping at my heals; and I’m terrified they will infect me again, and take over for good.

The Jenni I know to be the real Jenni; is NOT going to let that happen.

I am sorry to the people I have hurt with my words and my attitude.

Warranted or not; it is NOT the person I am; or want to be.

All I can do today; is provide this blog to you, and the EMDR link; find a doctor; go to work; DO, not try; and most of all BE KIND.

I hate it when I feel like a shit.

It makes me just the same as everybody else.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

What do you want from me? Respect my boundaries.

I get tired of working so hard to remain positive; only to have it overcome by anger and PTSD symptoms…when I feel like I’m being attacked or put down; for no reason at all.

It is hard. It is frustrating, sometimes it feels hopeless; like I’ll never be able to self-regulate emotional-wise.

For me it is a very REAL, and scary thought. It makes me angry. It makes me angry that people know I struggle; and try to make it worse on purpose; and pretend like they don’t.

That hurts.

I have a really big issue; with people that have hurt me in the past, to infinite extremes; that come back around to try to be chummy with me. It always ends up with them saying in the end; that it IS ME who is the one with the problem…when I’m not saying what they want to hear, or acting happy to talk to them.

No. It’s not my problem.

The issue is that you hurt me; and you are not happy that I’m not happy about it…and you are trying to make me feel like I should be Ok, with still talking to you….when I’m not. Not that I am doing something to you; or am being any certain kind of way.

I can’t count the times people have done this shit to me. It has happened more in my life; than I can even put my finger on.

It happened tonight.

People wonder why I get so ruthless with my words and attitude at times…. Really?

In fact, I can guarantee almost every, single time…that whoever the person is who has hurt me; will come back to try to do it again, in some form.

It’s almost a given.

It is hard to remain positive; when I literally don’t have to do anything; to be accused of doing something. When I’ve done nothing in the first place to deserve any of the BS….and I’m still getting BS, for not being able to , or wanting to deal with YOURS.

I’m not the one who decided that I wasn’t worth anything.

I’m not the one who screwed me over.

That was your choice; and is now your issue…not mine.

I know that.

Thats why I have no tolerance for it anymore.

You should all realize that I’m going to be happy; if it kills you or any other person who ever said they cared about me; but really didn’t at all.

I hope you know that you cant stop me from being ME.

Leave me alone. All of you fucking assholes from my past.

I do not need or want to deal with any of you.

Stop coming around trying to act like we are friends.

Stop texting and then saying I’m being a certain way towards you.

Ask yourself why instead….and don’t text.

Respect my personal boundaries.

I don’t need or want to be friends with anyone who treats me, or has treated me like I don’t matter.

That’s a personal protection choice for ME….because I have to value my OWN self; and because I DO MATTER.

There would be a difference if I felt like any of you were genuinely sorry.

But you’re not.

You genuinely enjoyed watching me suffer; and so I genuinely have no desire to have you in my life in any way.

This should not be hard to understand.

And to T…what you can do; is stick to the agreement we have. You owe me that much at least.

I don’t need to be your friend; because you toyed with my life; and then blamed me for it.

Friendship isn’t possible anymore.

Btw, I am checking into a therapy called EMDR. It has been studied and proven to dramatically reduce PTSD symptoms….sometimes reversing it all together.

I hope I can get this treatment so much. I need it.

I’m not giving up hope; that some day I will only have people around me that love me for me; and won’t hurt me just because they can.

I hope to be around people who won’t want to hurt me.

I am also not giving up hope; that I can reverse more of this damage in me, until I am free of it.

For now, I’m just glad that I’m sober; and that I’m not afraid to write my life out loud.

I’m not afraid of it at all; because I know someone out there; has got to understand where I’m coming from.

And that’s the point. To reach those people…and to heal one day at a time.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME