Bipolar

Sometimes I just don’t know anything. 

Up and Down 

Up and Down

I try to be still and let it process through until I get it; but I just don’t know anything sometimes.

Too fast

Too slow

I wonder if I’m really in a dream; because just about the time I think I might start to make sense of things…

It changes again.

J.Rounds ©2016 ~Peaces of ME

I’m a Rambler, and I Have Trust Issues…

I feel like I have to work harder on seeing people for who they actually are, and giving “actual” chances to let people into my life again.

It’s hard. 

Trust for me, is probably the hardest thing I struggle with. Once I lose it, it’s close to impossible to get back. I know it’s like that for most people, but I also don’t think most people generally just close up all together and stop everything because of it.

I was talking to my girlfriend from Tennessee today, and we both agreed that we don’t want to, and just can’t “people” on some days. 

It’s totally true.

I prefer to be alone, when I’m not with T, because I know eventually I will have to most likely deal with some sort of something, that I don’t want to deal with….and it seems to always regard ME being hurt or pissed off in the end; in some fashion.

That’s how it’s been in real life for me lately.

This is what keeps me from engaging with people in general very much.

I go in stages, but mostly I just keep to myself. I think I need to find a way to change that; because it feels like I am living in my sickness and solitude sometimes, instead of enjoying life.

I don’t like that feeling at all.

Real life has other real living people in it. (Haha haha, I’m a fucking idiot, but yeah.)

I often feel like I am spread too thin, and that’s NOT having regular contact with people. I feel overwhelmed when it comes to socializing, and I never used to be like that before Karter left my life. Something along the path stopped me from being the outgoing person I used to be. I’m really trying to figure out ways that I can trust people again, and maybe get back to normal regarding that.

I think sometimes when you have felt like a victim for so long, you forget that you are NOT one anymore; and you forget that other people have actual feelings too, and are not all the same.

I know that people are not all the same. I still deal with the fear of potential fuckery though, I guess.

I’m just rambling, because it’s been bothering me a lot lately. 

I don’t need or want a huge social life at all. I do need and want to make a few real-life female friends that I can connect with. 

I don’t think it’s healthy that I am alone so much, because I feel so alone sometimes inside. 

Funny how you can spue out your life to the world, and still feel alone. 

I need to get my shit together and “people” more, for my own well being.

Hopefully I can manage it, without my fist accidently grazing someone’s face. (Sarcasm)

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Thoughts on Value and Acceptance.

I think one of the biggest issues I’ve had in life, is my rather overwhelming need to feel like I’m truly being valued and heard; but never really feeling it fully at all, from anyone or anywhere.

This includes by people in my real life, as well as on social media, and in social situations.

It used to make me sad……. that I wasn’t worth the effort or love; the time, concern, respect, or loyalty….”What’s wrong with me? Why does everyone treat me like I’m nothing?”  Blah, blah, blah.

I always ended up on the wrong end of things….I was a bitter person because of it. I blamed everybody else for every situation I was in.

My thoughts in the past with value and acceptance, where based off of a dysfunctional childhood that I couldn’t let go of; a life of discontent, addictive behaviors, and mental health issues. I still have some of those issues.

I used to get all bitchy and dramatic about it…and sometimes, I still do. Although all my core Bullshit remains;  I’d like to think, that those moments have reduced severely since last year. 

Truthfully, there’s only a few people I even care about enough anymore, to let close enough to get past my wall. Truthfully, no one owes me one damn thing in this life. Truthfully, I’m just trying to finish this blog post that I started over a year ago.

My thoughts on value and acceptance now, are based off principle and common sense.

My value isn’t worth anything, if I have to talk you into believing that I’m valuable; even when I’m proving it with my actions already….and vice versa.

I’m not going to spend time talking you into anything.

There it is; there’s my current way of thinking.

I’ve learned to live in real life; and with the apologies and validations, that I will never get. I’m not going to spend time on something that makes me feel empty; it doesn’t matter what or who it is.

Neither should you.

I’ve personally found that it’s best to invest quality time on yourself; so that no matter what, you’re good in your own worth; on your own; because that’s all that matters.

Many people see value in many things; but most don’t even realize the value of something;  miss out on it all together; or don’t even care to find it.

Life goes on. 

To value myself is the greatest gift I ever gave myself….NO returns. 

Some days I have to dig deeper than others; but I do know at the end of the day; I’m good. 

There’s quite a power in that on a whole because it makes you better able to genuinely practice healthy living. 🙂 

Also; If you don’t value yourself;  no one else will. If it’s not even worth it to you; you can’t much expect it to be worth it to anyone else either.

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2016 ~Peaces of ME


Update for Tuesday

I’m feeling pretty decent. 

Nothing much going on except Summer time, and focusing on my immediate future and goals. It’s a process. I have most of my flowers in, and there’s a peaceful vibe going on, on my back porch. We had a good last weekend, and decided to put in a fire pit too. Might have a get together soon, and try to get some sort of an alcohol-free, social circle of friends going….on a regular basis. We do have sober friends that are amazing. Besides It’s Summer, and I hear normal “ish” people socialize regularly. (Lol)

……………………………………………………..

One week off of all social accounts now; although my messenger is on; and only ONE person messaged to see where I was…

Enough said. It’s why I didn’t say anything, and just deactivated.

I won’t be going back to Facebook or Instagram, for some time. My mood is much better on a whole, and I don’t miss it at all. It’s looking like it’s mutual, and I’m fine with that. I have NO idea what role social media will play in my future, but right now the break is awesome.  The reality that no one really cares I’m gone is sobering; and makes me happy that I don’t depend on the internet and useless likes anymore, to get me through the day, like I used to. 

I guess that was bound to happen at some point; seeing social media for what it is. A natural progression I think, and I’m happy about that; because for a long, long time I was on the internet all day long; no matter where I was, or what I was doing.

That’s over now.

……………………………………………………..

Unfortunately, I had to tell someone to fuck off again, because they were being petty and stupid…AGAIN. That “friend” of T’s. Hardest part about not drinking, is dealing with the whiney bitches who don’t want to see you get better; and insult you directly, just to instigate and cause problems. I try to deal with it nicely, and then I figured out, that that’s just not possible. It’s sad. It’s sad that people have to be like that. I don’t regret one single thing I said to her though…because it was all the truth. I can only hope that this time, what I said was taken at face value and heard; although it’s doubtful.  Either way I said what I had to say; it is done with;  and T and I are still sober and happy. (72 days)

People, places and things. You have to change them, if you want to remain and stay sober. I don’t hard-core the AA program at all; but I do agree FULLY with that core principle.

If people can’t respect the fact that T and I aren’t dealing with BS drama anymore or drinking; then that’s just their issue, not ours. 

We live each day with the knowledge that where we are going, is much better than where we have been. We also know that positive growth is not possible, if we allow ourselves to become complacent in our recoveries, or subject ourselves to alcohol-related things we shouldn’t be around. 

I am lucky to have T by my side. Although sometimes our relationship can be difficult; I just couldn’t see my life in any other place, with anybody else. It’s a great feeling to be with someone who accepts you for you, and we play off each other nicely…also basically keep each other sane sometimes…when we aren’t driving each other crazy. (Lol)

It’s a process 😉😅.

All the positive support we have received regarding our sobriety has been amazing, and we both thank you. In the beginning it was hard to see the path; but the support helped us to know that we were doing the right thing. I don’t know, sometimes reality can be scary, and so thank you for all the kindness. 

Here’s the blah, blah, blah update for this Tuesday. As I said nothing much is new, but I’m still alive, so I thought I’d let you all know. 🙂

Enjoy the rest of your week and be happy. I’m wishing you all the best. Xo

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Reconsideration. 

I’ve decided to keep this blog going after all. It would be like turning my back on a part of myself that’s good; and that would just be stupid.

Two years of my life, today, on digital world view. As hard as it’s been….Finding yourself;  in the midst of random strangers; is a good way to deal/heal fears, and is very freeing.

I reserve my right to make harmless, reversable, bipolar decisions.

………………………………………………..

I turned off and deactivated my social media accounts to focus on my goals.

I am 67 days sober.

There is a light in me again that grows stronger every single day.

I am grateful for the people in my life.

I realized that being afraid of failure, is keeping me from doing what I need to do to succeed.

I also realized that I can’t much do anything or get anything done, if I don’t do it.

Fear of failure is not an option for me any longer. It’s held me down for most of my life; and that’s just over now.

Love yourself. 

 J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Two Months, and Some Hope for Myself Yet.

I’m glad to get some things cleared up and sorted today, that had been weighing on my mind. 


Still more things to go, but today I’m happy to make what amounts to a significant dent in my anxiety; part of it anyways…I feel BETTER. 


I do not know what is after this life; but I do know I am grateful for how things have a way of working themselves out in the end, if you believe it can work out; are patient; and stay true to who you are.


I guess that is what gives me hope these days….knowing that this is real life actually going in the right direction, and I don’t have to give up core parts of me as a person to get it right this time around sobriety-wise; or make it better for anyone. 


I’m just doing the right thing.


Most times I find there’s a bittersweet irony in working through difficult situations, and coming out stronger for it on the other side.


Lately my life has been about growth, acceptance, and forgiveness. I find forgiving myself the hardest of all; but a duly needed thing just the same. I am trying to love myself as I love others. I figure I’m worth that much for sure. 


It’s a decent day and a long weekend… I hope to get a go on that list of goals I have running. It’s a mile long, and I’m only on the first leg still. 


I’m kind of done playing it safe. I’m just interested in doing more of what my heart wants, and my mouth says. 


I think I got the main part down in being that I’m two months sober today, and have a plan to make it a running normality, when it comes to my life. 


Giving myself an actual chance at success, begins and ends with me. 


This I know for sure. 


Have a beautiful weekend; and a special rememberance to all the soldiers who fought and gave their lives, to make the USA great. My greatest appreciations. Xo 


Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

PTSD… It’s in Me…

I like to be straight up, because I just can’t grow without being so. 

It is hard to do sometimes, because of the emotional pain.

This is one of those posts…apologies for errors upfront.

…………………………………

Understanding my triggers that set off my PTSD, has been a traumatic journey in itself. It is an added disorder I aquired formally, after the passing of my chronically ill son in 2008. I was not diagnosed formally until 2014; after checking myself into a mental- health crisis facility, because I wanted to kill myself, and my meds were not working.

I was not aware I had PTSD at all…even though I had almost every one of the symptoms. I just thought I was going crazy, and that people that went to war were the only ones that had it, or could get it. 

I was wrong.

Although my son’s death in 2008 and the injustices surrounding it, are technically the propellers that pushed me into the PTSD symptoms presenting themselves in the extreme way they did; the spiral down took years, and my actual formal diagnosis didn’t come until 2014. I suspect I’ve had it way longer than that though; as far back as my later elementary years. That suspicion comes based on what I remember and went through as a child; regarding my family life back then; what I know about PTSD and how it forms; and how many other times I’ve spiraled down and had mental issues and lapses arise in my life before my son’s death; that I could not control or cope with, and had to be hospitalized for. Issues from my past. I’m Doctor-approved mental now, if that makes you feel better.

Seems like everyone in my family wants to put on blinders and forget that my childhood was dysfunctional as fuck too; but I remember. It’s not worth talking about , because I’m just trying to lay out the fact that the symptoms were already there before Karter left. 

Anyways….

I remember when my son first passed, and I felt like I was literally going to die. 

I often equate it to someone walking directly up to me, and putting a shotgun to my heart, and pulling the trigger. 

Only it is not over afterwards….because you live through it over and over again. 

You die again the next day, the same exact way… and so on and so forth, but with memories of trauma, and not a gun…Every day. You can’t much wake up, or make the thoughts stop when you want to.

It’s a bad problem.

It’s exactly like the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray, but way more messed up and traumatic; and way more anxiety. It hits usually without warning, out of the blue because of something that triggers a memory that triggers a cycle.

That’s what it is for me. 

How do you begin to mend the pieces of yourself together, when you feel like there’s nothing remaining to stitch?

How do you go from doing absolutely everything 24/7 for your multiply disabled child one day, and every day for three-and-a-half years….to nothing, and gone forever, in 12 hours, with needless suffering and Dr. Neglect? 

It’s going to cause some issues for some.

I don’t talk about it…because it makes other people uncomfortable.

No one knows, except the people who unfortunately have been there, and are there…and live through it every day. Some seem to manage trauma well…

This broke me.

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The loss of A child… OR the disorder

It’s a curse… An elite club that’s becoming more popular, that you don’t want to be in.

My son was pronounced dead right in front of me in the hospital, after the nurse came in and basically screamed out “I think he’s dead!”.  I woke up to that, (as I was dozing because we were waiting, and I was 72- hour tired)..and to my horror, he WAS dead. 

It was surreal. 

I still to this day see his face the last time I saw him alive. He looked scared and I knew he would end up going. I was scared too, because I knew I was going to lose one of the only things that I had ever loved, and I couldn’t do anything at all, but wait.  His meds weren’t even working… It haunts me.

How do you stop something that is happening as you sleep? How do you speed up paperwork and other hospital political bullshit when it is in the works, but not fast enough; so they will help your son, and he  won’t leave your life forever?

It haunts me. 

It was the most helpless feeling ever that I have had, in my entire life…
I think of my son, and what I know now.

My son’s internal organs were backing up, and he was micro-asperating on liquid fecal matter, because his bowel ruptured from a year-old surgery, and no one would listen or do anything when I told them directly that he was dying. They let him lay there for 12 hours, suffering. They gave him Tylenol and said it wasn’t a surgical matter. 

They didn’t even do the proper tests.

I could not have stopped it, or sped up anything. I did everything I could think of to get someone to help and listen. It was as if everything was in a fog, and everything and everyone had it’s place in time….pre-determined.

No one even came to help us despite my pleads until he was already dead, and the nurse found him. As soon as I fell asleep after being up for three days straight, he passes; then everyone comes. They worked on him for 22 minutes, and he was already dead for 20 minutes already,  and I still see his little legs and feet flipping around on the table from the people doing CPR on him, to this day. I still remember my brain on loop, This is not happening…. I’m on the phone with my ex, and I can’t think, and I’m going to pass out, and I’m in the park dancing and singing with Karter again for a moment, and then life stops.

He’s gone, and they call it… And my life stops too…

And I still live it in my head. 

No one knows.

It comes to me in dreams and daily similarities, that I can’t get away from in life. Mentally it’s draining and it affects personal relationships and life for me in various ways…it used to be chunks of time in my life even that I could do nothing but self-medicate, gone…before I learned how to get a handle on it.

Some other facts.

I haven’t had one direct conversation about any of those final moments with karter, with a family member, ever. Including my ex-husband. People wonder why I self-medicated and couldn’t cope.

No one understood. My family was good for about a month on and off, before they stopped calling.

I never once got any support for the issue, other than prescribed pills and people paid to listen to me, but not actually hearing anything I said. In the end I started saying crazy things, because I didn’t care anymore and I wanted to die. I held SO much anger and resentment towards certain people for Karter’s passing, and God, and my lack of relief from it all; and I wasn’t going anywhere good with that. I. Felt resentment towards people, because they couldn’t understand my anger with the situation, and acted like I should just get over it after two weeks, a month, a year… Life goes on. 

But it didn’t for ME.

They let my son just lay there and suffer and die, and I had to watch it.

Fix that for me please.

Night terrors…the night terrors too :/

I stopped eating for four months afterwards. I was on pills and drinking and hiding it at the end, because I.Could.Not.Cope.

My ex- husband even tried to lock me away in a home for six months, instead of actually helping me…

Yes, I had anger.

 I left life as I knew it after that, because I needed to survive and I knew I was going down; my marriage was over and I did not want to mess up my other kids more than the BS they’d already  been through because of it all.

I still messed them up anyways; I messed everything up. 

It’s been the absolutely worse thing in my life that I’ve ever had to go through and deal with….ever.

I can’t even put into words how it’s changed me mentally.

You can tell.

I don’t know why I can’t get over it. 

A long, hard, painful, lonely road of recovery is what I’ve actually been doing since 2008; On And off.  When I think about all the personal sacrifices I’ve made to get well again, I have to give myself the credit I deserve even if no one else will, because despite everything, I was able to get better to the level of being stable again, without synthetic anything…and controlling my symptoms and anxiety from it, with a plant that grows out of the ground and is natural.

Judge me all you want.

Every day I continue to get just a little bit more ok with the fact that those bad memories are just memories now…that that was a life I knew long ago, and will never be again. I don’t have to live in it anymore.

I will most likely never have actual relations with my remaining children or family members, to the level of it actually being genuine or mattering.  It’s quite a bitter pill to swallow, because I did not and could not control the things I couldn’t have, and I did not control the things I should have,  to recoup. that privledge. 

I was sick, and I needed help. Everyone gave up on me, and I gave up on me too. I tortured myself mentally in ways that you will never know or feel. 

 I am still sick, but I manage it responsibly now, because it’s all I can do. I’m WAY better than I’ve ever been. 

I have spent many, many years coming to terms with the fact that I lost my son because he had issues that I could not fix. 

I felt guilt because I think I would have done things a lot differently, had I known what was actually going on in full- spectrum. I was completely naive to medication interactions, related side-effects, and the fact that sometimes doctors aren’t always right. His death was slow,  but sudden and traumatic…all major factors. I felt guilt because I listened to doctors tell me what to do; and I did it; and in the end it completely backfired and my son died anyways, because they didn’t do anything that THEY were supposed to do. I felt guilt because I couldn’t control anything that was going on around me, and after he passed…I lost my mind and couldn’t recover the losses. I’ve hurt my remaining children forever because of it, and it will never be the same.  

You never see it until afterwards; but you feel it where it counts, every day after you realize.

To let go of the fact that I could not get the time back and I had to let my 3 1/2 year old son go for good, was unbearable. But I knew I had to do it somehow, because re-living the bad times wasn’t making anything good for me, and it was killing me slowly, right along in sync with my vices.

It is what it is, and the memories remain. 

I sought the support of anything positive and literally clawed my way through this PTSD shit completely alone through reading about it, synthetic medication, keeping myself alive, journaling, and crying a whole lot.

I’m at the level now, where I do not allow myself to dwell too long in his passing, and I keep myself away from the triggers I know will rev up my symptoms; such as alcohol, any form of synthetic, and shitty people who do shitty things, and don’t understand. 

I don’t know it’s just something I live with, and I know that It’s always gonna’ be there, and it’s real.

I’m not too sure about this blog exactly, except that I feel better for getting it out there.

Maybe people can understand that it’s changed me, and who I am.

I don’t know how to talk about it, because I wish I didn’t have it, but I can’t stop myself from remembering.

It’s just one of those blogs.

I know that even though I struggle with this now, I was still chosen to be Karter’s mother and that never changes. I can live in the good memories now, if I just do. Some days are better than others for sure. I miss him… I remember him and his light. I know he’s better, and with me always.

I guess we all carry things that leave scars…and this is just the biggest one of mine. I’m glad to be officially diagnosed too, because it gave me a place to start understanding that I could get better and manage it.

Thanks for reading. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Good Friday to You

Life is good at the moment for me, and truthfully it’s because I’ve done some healing and some accepting of things just these last few days, so I’m feeling rather positive and motivated about life in general; 

calm.

It feels good to be able to let certain things go and not let it bother me. I’m not quite sure what’s happening, but life FEELS like it’s getting easier. The decisions are clearer, and easier to make, even though sometimes still hard. There’s a working, doable plan. I know I’m going to be ok. I’m starting to finally understand myself; my needs vs. wants; I’m not feeling uptight about much. I get to the point where my reasoning kicks in, and I’m good. I can’t control half of it anyways. 

My anxiety is low; also, it’s the start of the weekend. Normally I might be anxious and think stupid things, but really it’s not like that this day. So….I call it riding the wave, and that’s what I’m doing. I’m not worrying about anything until I have to.

No point in that.

My main concern is finding a way to be productive financially, and still keep my stress level low so I can maintain productivity.

I guess since I can’t seem to sell this light kit of mine I got for school, I’m going to teach myself how to use it. I really dont want to go to school again, because quite frankly, I feel like it’s a waste of time and money right now. I’m also 40 grand in, regarding school loans, so yeah….no. I know enough already to proceed to something that makes me happy, and I’m going from there. I know I have enough brains in my head to figure it out.

I’m literally living each day as it comes. Eventually the effort I am putting in to move forward, will pay off. I’m really wanting to get this Etsy store idea open and running, and I’ve got a shit ton of stuff to do on it…STILL. So not going fast enough for me.

Things are starting to be more stable now with a lot of needed changes, so I think I might be able to focus on it, and the things I need to do to get it up and running. 

I’m hoping to have it officially open by November. It’ll be a mix of stuff. Personal Art, photographic images and mixed media creations of various kinds, vintage things, odd things, ME things. I’m quite crafty, so I’m  excited to have a good goal to focus on. Also considering a calendar as it’s been mentioned numerous times to make.

Other avenues could open if it takes off at all. I resign to be happy more than anything, and get off this SSI if I can. I hate it. I’m doing it on my own terms, because it’s the only way I’ll ever be happy.

I really hate the Government more than ever these days.dl Depending on them sucks, and is NOT a way of life.

I am determined to beat the stigma of mental illness and addiction in the end; and I will do it.

This weekend will be for planting flower beds if the rain holds off.

Cash flow could be better, but otherwise I’m solid.

Enjoy your weekend.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Random Method and A Story…Thanks.

I have a rather random blogging method, in that it’s random and there is no method at all. 

I could change that in the future, I guess….but that’d be saturating the essence of Jenni, and I’d prefer to make some money for retirement on that, for the effort, if I can. (Lol) Future goals.

I had a “friend” once come right out of the blue and tell me that, “No one wanted to read, or cared about my stupid writing anyways; and I was like, “Bitch, are you crazy?” Haha Haha. 

No, I didn’t really say that. It was funny though, because that was my initial thought; you never want to be hearing that at all, let alone from someone who claims to be a friend.  Trying to ruin someone’s  Friday and self-esteem on purpose is always super nice;  and it was around then I realized that there will always people like that in life, although she was probably right. 

True story.

Anyways, this was like some Friday last year or the year before… not recent. I’m sure there’s a point in here somewhere, so bear with me.

So, although I was hurt for a brief moment, I remembered why I write in the first place.  

It’s for me.

Maybe I’m not going to ever be successful in this writing thing. I’m not getting paid for this blog, or for any of my writing at the moment, and that’s what success is based on right? I know.
I’m still going to write.

I’ll still publish some day.

Despite.

At any rate… or not; I am able to cope with things I struggle with, and celebrate things that matter in life to me, through this forum, and so for that I’m thankful… And I can’t complain. 
I’m pretty random though.

That girl is no longer my friend either,  because although she may have some sort of relevant point, that’s just her opinion, that is not why I write, and that is NOT a friend I need around me.

She also probably still follows this blog, so hello…I hope you’re well, the blog is still going. 
They say the truth will set you free, and I find more truth in life every day.

To write mine down is therapy, and gives me strength.

Thank you for the support of the people that get my words. 

It means a lot. 

-Jenni

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

46 Days Sober, and Some Things I Gotta’ Say.

Today I am 46 days sober and although I feel good about a great deal of things, some things I’m still working on for sure. Technically speaking though, one-and-a-half months is a nice start at something good, there’s no denying it; it’s good for today, and it’ll make me try harder tomorrow.

It has been very challenging at points and times for me, dealing with the anxiety of this stupid alcohol issue I have. It only comes when I think too far ahead, or if I’m overwhelmed by something major; which has happened lately to me…THOSE times. I wish I was numb because I’m losing it, is what I think to myself in times like that. BUT… Since I already know the outcome of relapse, because I’ve done it so many times before to myself; the actual physical act of drinking has not happened, will not be happening today, and hasn’t been a real problem for me in terms of me actually relapsing. The desire for reality is greater than my anxiety over not being able to suppress it, but still the feeling pops up at times… it’s there. MY reality is that I’m stupid when I drink and it makes my mind sick, so I can’t do it. That’ll just make it worse for me. That’s what I tell myself every day.

Although it takes more effort to deal with my life head-on, at least I know it’s real and true…and I am actually dealing with my issues and living. 

I’m glad to be out of it.

NOW. I am a recovering alcoholic. Today, I am proud of myself for not giving up on myself.

I know it’s a day to day thing, and that it’s not always going to be easy… but I’m just glad that I’m at a point where I know what’s what, what needs to be done to get there, and what I need for my life to feel secure and happy. I live it day to day, and I am doing it, despite the obstacles. It is confusing, painful and amazing, all at the same time sometimes; I know I have more to work on and go through, but for me, life just makes much more sense sober, and staying true to myself through it all without apologies..

I gotta’ say that I’m also extremely proud of my boyfriend as well, because he has stayed strong beside me, and stayed sober despite his own issues.

“Friends” trying to drag him back into the atmosphere have been texting again. The same “friends”talking down about the both of us directly, and trying to make him think negatively in general about his life with me… I’ve seen all the texts.

Unfortunately, it comes with being an outcast in general, which I’m used to, but also with the territory of living sober and change.

T and I decided a while back, that we were going to do this sobriety thing together; one last time the right way; and really fight for a healthy future together, because that’s what we both want, and alcohol doesn’t go with our brain chemistry…so it’s out. It causes too many issues for us as individuals and together when we drink it, therefore making our lives unmanageable. We aren’t drinking anymore or being around it.  Alcohol has caused a lot of issues for us that wouldn’t have otherwise occurred if we had been sober. 

We knew certain people would not be happy about it, if we took ourselves out of the enviroment; most exclusively “him” taking himself out of the enviroment.  It messes up their normal agenda and routine. However, both of us think that being sober and together, is far more important than any kind of that petty bullshit that anyone could ever say about us, or any drink or drinking social situation there could ever be. It’s too hard right now to be in atmospheres that trigger. And everyone drinks. We are facing our issues together, because we don’t want to be without one another. So,  the people on the outside of it all’s opinions don’t weigh in, because it’s not your relationship to weigh in on, period; and it’s not your life to keep managed or lived. 

We are living healthy. What the fuck is the problem?

Equally important is, that T and I agreed that these “friends”, are really not true friends at all. If they were, they would act as such; they would support his wanting to get his life together; they would at least apologize for the open disrespect they’ve showed both of us multiple times, including on public forum; they would stop trying to stir the pot with negativity, when he is actively changing his life for the better, and he and I are happy.

I already know that I’m not given one shit about for sure…which I knew, but I’m equally as sure that these “friends” don’t want to see T ACTUALLY healthy and happy in the end, because their actions prove it.

Real friends don’t do that sort of shit. Words vs. Actions.

That being said; Stop texting…and find a new drinking buddy. He’s not coming around, because it’s not good for HIM, and he knows it. I didn’t make that choice for him, he did. 

Also, stop being hateful, and trying to fuck up my relationship with your pettiness and jealousy. WE won’t have it.

So again, day 46…and I made it…WE made it.😳☺😌

It’s going to be a great day because I am able to see the silver lining of it all..

 Don’t let anyone come in between you and your best.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME