Look

When people look at you like you don’t matter

Know that you do

You are strong

You are brave

You are loved

You are worthy of the love

Love yourself

You have to or you won’t survive

You are not a quitter

They just want you to be

Don’t look back and don’t give in

Only you can forge your path

You know there is light in the darkness if you look for it

LOOK

J. Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Maybe.

I haven’t written out loud on this blog in a while. I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, just kind of keeping to myself.

Most of my healing lately has been audio recordings of thoughts and/or feelings to myself, or just writing on certain thoughts and then stopping when it doesn’t make sense to me anymore.

Things people won’t see or hear mainly, but they help me immensely inside to heal; there are really no wasted thoughts or words at all.

I have been going back to the drafts and pulling from them and/or finishing some pieces, whichever happens; but I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, and I like that I’m not putting the pressure of saying it if I don’t want to.

A personal project/goal that I’m trying to make come into fruition has much of my time and thoughts.

My focus is still the biggest issue for me, but I am starting to speed up on the re-focus, which means eventually I will get there if I keep going. Money. Need more money though.

It also means that my OCD is getting somewhat better too. I’m happy about that, but still tired of being so complicated with the OCD thing.

It slows me down in my everyday life if I let it and it’s gotten much worse for me over the last three years.

It’s very annoying and frustrating, to say the least, and it’s been extremely challenging for me.

I do not know how else to describe me other than I don’t think I’ll ever have a day when I won’t be a complicated person.

The timeline I had in my head for everything I wanted for my life came and went a million years ago, so I’m just going with the flow the best I can and grateful for it.

I’m fine with the process even though it’s draining to actually live fully sometimes.

I haven’t been depressed much at all so I do feel ok inside, and I can’t bitch about that.

Being off of social media has also been awesome, I won’t lie. I knew it would be which is why I went away from it again.

Today I hit the one year, eleven months sober mark, and it feels sort of a like a dream when I think of my life at day one of this current journey, and even more so when I think back upon the life I’ve led before that.

The thing that really sucks about it all is that I feel guilty about the fact that my past is fading in my mind.

I know all the stuff I did, (or what I can remember of it) and also the people that were affected by my bad choices.

It wasn’t a dream.

I have remorse for it and will for always.

But….I’ve chalked it up to my brain healing itself the only way it knows how to, and that is to compartmentalize the guilt I feel away into an area where it no longer blocks my ability for growth and future happiness.

This is today.

Today I’ve managed with the help of myself, my family, my true friends and positive people that support me, also the grace of my deceased son, to stay sober for twenty-three months.

Almost two years next month.

I thought I would be dead by twenty-five and so the very fact that I am still going at the age of forty-seven and also sober is really all the more reason to keep looking forward instead of back.

I am sure although I struggle with life at times, these struggles make me stronger and have, to the point where I will not give up until I reach a sense of peace and understanding in myself that will resonate in everything that I do.

Maybe being passionate about living life is better than being passionate about not living it.

Maybe all of the effort I’m putting into quality healing will keep bringing quality things to my life.

I’ve managed to accomplish some things I never thought I could or would. That is a fact for sure and I think in the future, patience really will play a key roll in all aspects of my life regarding meeting more of my goals.

Maybe I’m not such a bad person after all.

Maybe I DO deserve this happiness I’m feeling inside today.

Maybe you do too.

Maybe life is what we make of it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Sobering Year.

Although I have been writing, I’ve not been blogging here for a bit because I’ve been too busy working and focusing on doing other things that I need to get done.

My holiday was quiet and simple. I made myself a small, festive dinner and talked with my family and friends.

I received a few unexpected gifts as well, and it was really nice to be remembered. All in all, it was a good Holiday for me, and I’m glad I didn’t get called into work and could just enjoy the time off.

I still have packages to send out because I am finishing up some of the things I’ve been making for gifts; but since everyone already knows they will be late; there was no pressure or anxiousness about Christmas this year, that I would usually have if I was behind. My animals were also happy that I stayed home the whole day for once. (Lol)

I’ve just been moving forward, and what a sobering year this has been.

It’s getting easier to not look back in life at the bad times, and when I do it’s usually just to acknowledge and/or think about a lesson I’ve learned from it. I don’t stay there very long anymore. I really do think that this has been key for me and my personal growth.

Today I am in today.

Today I am also one year, nine months, and one day sober.

Today is one day more than I can say that I actually lived.

I shared this on social media today, and I think it’s something to share here as well.

“You cannot wage war on yourself, and expect to win.

When you know you are on the right track, there is no going backward anymore, only forward.

I was my own worst enemy…

Now I am my own best friend.”

It is true, all of it; and I am grateful to be ok in my skin, and to be ok in general, in this world.

I couldn’t say that at the beginning of this year.

There are still stressors in my life, but instead of freaking out or going into a hole over them, I am instead choosing to face the challenges head-on. I’m thinking with my brain rationally and finding solutions to my problems, instead of letting the BS take root. Perhaps this is the greatest gift I received from this year.

I have been in way worse positions in my life, and I’ve surely never been this hopeful at all about the future.

It’s a really good thing to feel hopeful.

This year was a big one for me in many regards; and in 2019, my first major thing will be flying to New York to see my eldest daughter in mid-January. It’s been a long time coming, and I cannot wait to go and see her. My flight is booked, and all that is left to be worked out are the minor details.

More on that to come.

I hope you had a wonderful Holiday, and that 2019 is a year that will bring you peace, understanding, and great happiness.

I hope the New Year will shine it’s good juje on all of us.

Truthfully, I think we could all use some light in this world for a change.

Making little efforts to open our eyes, makes it all the more easier to see it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peaces of ME

Long Story Long

~Long Story Long~

As told by Jenni, because I was here and lived this life.

Most people say that I am intense.

I’m good with that.

What you should know about changing your life for the better is that it will not be easy.

Because it’s not.

Doable? Totally.

Easy? NO.

You have to want to change. Not just say it. But mean it and then DO it.

If you really think I wouldn’t want to be able to drink “normally” with everyone else at wherever you’d be kidding yourself. It’d be easier to be “normal” in theory, right?

But here’s the thing.

I don’t fit the “normal” by a long shot.

I never have. I know this.

Especially with certain things.

I started drinking hard alcohol when I was 13 years old. It was a crutch that kept me sick for the majority of my life.

That’s why I don’t drink anymore. It’s also why I don’t like synthetic medications.

It kills me, and then I want to kill myself. That’s what it breaks down to for me.

I’ve had too many things lost to it. Things I never thought that I would lose. People….Time…money….jobs….parts of my soul…ALL LOST.

I want to live.

To be honest I’m sure your idea of “normal” and my idea of normal would probably differ on various accounts, and maybe drastically.

I’m good with that too.

Ok…it’s leading into something.

My point is, there will always be (in my life, in everyone’s life), the people that will say, “but she did this and she did that”. They will watch everything you do because they can’t. NOT. watch.

For different reasons, could be totally valid or not, they will judge you.

They will never respect you.

No matter what you do, who you help, how far you go in life.

It is not worth your effort to let these people take up any time in your head AT ALL.

If you want to make a genuine change you cannot think about these people’s opinions.

Especially in recovery.

People that cannot move forward with you, you have to leave behind.

In whatever form that looks like, for you personally.

They will catch up, or not. A lot of not.

You can’t worry about it.

Some people want to see you fail, not succeed.

It makes them feel better about themselves in some way.

You can’t be around people that don’t want to see you move forward in life.

That is toxic to your life.

It took me the better part of a lifetime to stop this cycle, and realize it for real.

To build better cycles, you have to build them yourself.

That means you have to actually build them.

Change is hard.

It gets easier too.

But you can only move forward with people that want to move forward with YOU.

Not everybody in life is going to like you.

It’s O.K.

You don’t like everyone, nor do I. It is the intent of a person that you always have to gauge and remember. Always.

I’m trying to be more kind. A better human. I like myself now. I like that I am me. It never used to be that way for me at all. For as long as I could remember.

I still have things that I struggle with inside. We all do.

Now, I personally think with my brain and then my heart.

I think it’s smart.

It used to be the reverse but I got burned WAY too many times to count. I burned myself mostly.

This is MY story.

Yours is YOURS.

You dig?

Love yourself. Even if it hurts sometimes. It gets easier and it is worth the effort.

It becomes a way of life you can live. You build support of people who are healthy for your life. It becomes easier to walk away from negativity.

You rewire your own thinking really.

Less anxiety about life, more living life instead of hating it.

I’m living this change.

I don’t know. But I do. I don’t have a Doctors degree, I have a life of lessons learned the hard way.

I am trying to be the friend I never had growing up.

For me. For you.

I’m good with that too.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

I am Not Afraid.

I am not afraid of the dark anymore; this is why I can travel through it.

It has made me stronger.

Time.

It heals most things.

But the real healing comes in facing the demons inside.

Ruthless reminders of the past, put upon the shelf of life, where they belong.

You owe it to yourself to live the life that you were given.

Not just give it away to whatever and whoever would take it from you.

Be grateful because it will save your life.

You make your own path in life, no one else. There is hope on the other side of despair. Always. Reach for it.

Be grateful every time you conquer adversity.

Look yourself straight in the eye, and be proud. You deserve to acknowledge that you did not break where you would have before.

There is internal strength and acceptance that comes in that gesture. Grace, healing, courage…so many other things.

Be kind to yourself every day.

In doing that, you can also be kind to others.

You will want to be.

Be the person you needed to be all along.

It spreads to others like a rash.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Thankfulness.

I don’t know what my life holds for me. To be honest I sometimes still feel like I don’t deserve the good things in it, because I’ve taken life for granted (or did), for so long.

It is still hard for me to see the positive in some situations. It still takes practice to be mindful in times of stress.

I am a work in progress and I know it.

I think we all are, really. I think things happen to teach us about ourselves, what we are capable of, and what we can do to become more whole as individuals; *so at the end of it all, we are at peace when we leave this world.

Remembering a school friend that passed yesterday, and his entire family.

It got me to thinking about thankfulness.

This Thanksgiving I am truly grateful for so many things.

I’m grateful that I chose to end my alcoholic cycle for good.

I’m grateful that I have the desire to work every day, to keep it that way.

I’m grateful that I feel like it’s ok to be me.

I’m grateful that I have my beautiful children in my life, and that they are willing to forgive my past, because they believe in our future.

I’m grateful that I have a loving mother, and sisters who have always loved me, even when I was lost.

I’m grateful for my niece.

I’m grateful that I am still able to learn and grow, and that I’m not stuck in my ways, because many of them were not healthy.

I’m grateful that I have wonderful friends who encourage me to live, and listen to me and encourage me when I feel weak inside.

I’m grateful for my animals.

I’m grateful for my job, and the kind of work I get to do for a living.

I’m grateful that I have the desire to keep moving forward….not back.

I’m grateful that I got a chance to know and care about people that are no longer here on this earth; and for the things they taught me about life, love, and the human spirit.

I’m grateful that I have a place to call home, and that I’m ok with being the only one in it.

So many other things as well.

What are you grateful for? What has your story taught you?

There is a light in all of us and every day we are alive, we have the opportunity to share it with others.

I hope that you are grateful for that fact, because it could all end in a moment. This I do know.

This Thanksgiving I will be working.

It may seem corny, but I will be a light for the animals that could not be with their families this holiday. I will be their family.

To me, that is the second best thing, to being with mine.

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving.

Love yourself. Always. Xo

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Better Choices for a Better Life.

When I was all messed up and thinking that I was this or that, I was genuinely feeling like shit about my life every day and acting like nothing mattered, because I didn’t want it to… basically.

I masked my internal traumas with anything that would make me forget my life, and who and what I didn’t have in it.

Lots of alcohol, lots of pills, cocaine, speed, Men. Inappropriate sexual behavior that was highly damaging to my self-esteem. I even used food the wrong way. Anything to mask reality. I embarrassed and hurt my family and true friends, as well as myself. I put myself in dangerous situations that led to more negativity, abuse, and a road that was leading straight to my demise.

The whole point was to not feel; because I felt in my head, that I felt too much. I didn’t want to feel my pain. I felt as if it was better off for everyone, if I was not around. I killed myself and everyone around me slowly, and day-by-day.

To write my truths out loud is not easy for me. I do it because I know how lonely and helpless I felt, and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way, ever. I do it to keep myself moving forward; and to move forward for me, means making amends with my past.

I am doing just that now, on a daily basis.

I cringe a lot and shake my head, because I literally do not know the person I used to be, or really who she even was. It was me living and breathing, but I was a living-dead girl for sure, and I couldn’t tell you anything that would be closer to the truth.

Many already know my story, because they saw it unfold on social media and in real life as well.

By repeating the same unhealthy cycles, and then, in the end, trying to space out the unhealthy cycles so they didn’t seem so bad; well all I did was make my issues much worse.

It was for most of my life, the only kind of life that I felt I deserved. I nutured the broken parts of me with negativity and hate.

This is what addicts/ alcoholics are best at. Reasoning with toxic thoughts and situations that are not reasonable, realistic or healthy in the slightest. Pushing away anyone that disrupts their seeking and consumption of their drug of choice. Staying in denial until it becomes apparent that there is NO other option but to die, or to CHANGE.

I wanted to die for SO long.

For me, it was a culmination of past traumas, loss, regret, shame, and having negative influences and people in and around my life, who promoted the negativity I chose to live in, and the mental issues and negativity that naturally resided within me.

I say chose to live in, because at the end of the day, it WAS MY choice. Nobody kept me in the cycle, or forced me to continue it. Sure, there were people that made it worse for me; but I wasn’t making the right choices in life at all, and nobody twisted my arm to keep me drinking and train-wrecking through life but ME.

I did that.

That’s the reality of it. That’s my truth. That’s the thing that I didn’t want to see for so long, but always knew.

I wish I could relate to people, just how much admitting your truth to yourself can ultimately set you on a course to wellness.

I also know that you cannot reach an alcoholic/addict, until they want to be reached.

I started to change slowly; and what started out as baby steps, turned into a full-on march forward.

One thing I realized is that a lot of people didn’t want to see me change, because then they could no longer point the finger at me.

These are the people that are no longer in my life.

Change is hard, but fully possible depending on how honest you want to get with yourself. You know when you are lying to yourself.

With the help of the people in my life that never left me, and the desire to be the person I was meant to be; I found the strength inside me, to reach out for help, and start moving forward.

The choice was mine to make; noone else’s.

You ALWAYS have a choice to change for the better.

I chose to focus on living, instead of dying; and that has made ALL the difference.

It is not always easy, but that is how life goes sometimes. I can tell you that I feel much more calm inside, and much more hopeful about my future. I chose to break my own unhealthy cycles to save my life, because I know I was meant for more than self-sabotage, and a life cut short. So are you.

I hope that if you are tired of living in the same unhealthy cycles, repeating the same unhealthy cycles you are living in, you will take into consideration the choices you are making for your life, and make the choice to change, and make better ones.

I am one year, seven months, and sixteen days sober; and I started at day ONE.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The Blow-by realization.

I find it a really good thing that my sober date anniversary came and went without me even noticing.

I hope to continue on my journey every day with diligence and find even greater understanding of myself in the future.

Today, I am for all intensive purposes, content.

I do not have every, single thing in my life in place and figured out.

What I do have is the willingness to keep learning and changing my thought processes, until they are no longer trauma-based.

I’m happy with my life right now, and I’m enjoying the fact that I can be who I am, without anybody telling me that it’s not good enough.

It is.

I am one year, seven months, and four days sober.

I am grateful every day, because I know I should be dead, and that’s just the basic *jist of everything.

I prefer to LIVE.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The Universe is trying to teach me today.

I think the universe is trying to teach me a lesson in patience today because I don’t think the day could have been anymore tripped up.

There have been SO many things that have gone wrong for me this Thursday, that I cried twice at work from stress, and once before I even went to work.

It’s not worth running down the list of BS at all, but I don’t like to cry, as we know.

My tears were not crazy tears at all and mostly quiet and to myself really; but the new guy at work did see me for a few seconds. I was embarrassed, naturally. I just pretended that I was fine and walked away.

I then got happy….and plowed through the rest of the day.

The real high lights were my dog babies at work; that helped a lot.

I have done a pretty awesome job of keeping it together today, and not losing my shit like I have in the past when things don’t go anyway but wrong for me.

It is not a new thing at all… the trip ups.

I do know I’m growing positively and not going backwards though.

Even though I did have a few “moments” today, I stayed pretty calm despite all of this crap I feel is testing me.

I have quite a bit on my plate at the moment, and I can’t deny it or avoid it.

I feel like I am dropping the ball sometimes, but also that I am trying as hard as I can not to.

That matters.

I wonder quite a bit just what the point is when some days it feels like all I do all day long is consistently talk myself down from completely losing it.

I know it’s what I have to do to get through it though.

I wonder if other people that are in recovery and in the process of rebuilding their lives ever feel this way; also if they talk about it.

I cannot be the only one.

I know I am using the tools I have and being honest about what’s going on with me, and that it is actually working to keep me focused on what I can do next to make my life better.

I want to say personal thank yous to Kayla, Elaina, and T for listening to me today and helping me get through my “moments”.

Yes i did say T. I think time does heal old wounds, and taking it as it comes doesn’t hurt either. It’s good to have my friend back again, without the pressure of anything else.

*On a side note: As for my social media frustrations, I have gone to my other account. It is much more positive with people that actually want to see me succeed. Only real friends there.*

Tomorrow will be a better day for me I’m sure. If not, I will get through that too. I believe that things will be if it’s meant to be.

I am one year, five months, and eleven days sober. I am living today instead of dying slowly.

I hope you will do the same friends.

Don’t give up.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peaces of ME

17 months sober.

I am 17 months sober today.

I feel good about it. I’m pretty ok with where I am right now, even though it’s still not ideal as a whole. I’ve grown immensely in myself and learned a lot about life this past year-and-almost-a- half. More than I ever have, actually.

I’m still growing/learning, and I’m happy about that too. It means I’m not stuck anymore, and that there’s hope for me yet….even on the bad days.

I know I won’t compromise myself anymore to make other people happy. I don’t care what some may think of me. I’ve struggled too long, and too hard to care much, honestly.

I know I won’t compromise myself to not feel anymore. I’d rather feel everything because at least I know it is real.

I know I don’t want to ever drink again, and I will keep choosing not to drink daily; because messing up now would ruin every, single thing that I have been working for, and have already accomplished. It would make no sense at all, and would be the stupidest thing I could do. I’m done with that nonsense. It will never be worth drinking again for me because it was never worth it in the first place.

My focus now is on finding a private therapist that will actually be able to get me in on their schedule. The other therapist I can’t wait for anymore.

A side thought is that I’m not looking forward to spending all these holidays coming up, alone.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas…..

It sucks when you want the company, but don’t want to deal with any of the other stuff that comes along with the said company.

I don’t know anybody in real life that’s into deep conversation and cuddling. Although I’m not intensely focusing on it, the cooler weather coming always reminds me that I am single again. (Lol). Worse things for sure I know; just sayin’.

I just wonder if that’ll ever be in the cards for me again.

A companion.

Right now, I can’t wait to get out of work, so I can go home and sew and paint.

I’m making myself Sunday dinner tonight too, to celebrate the fact that I’m not an active drunk anymore and I’ve chosen to live instead.

I still need more money coming in, and a raise at the job I already work at. I cannot move any further forward in working for myself, without more money.

Reviews are coming soon they say, also another shot at the shift lead position…I should get it this time, and I’m ready for it.

It just has been very stressful, to be extremely honest. I do realize it is a first-world problem of sorts, but I really don’t know what’s going to happen with my finances at all. I’m staying optimistic though and going day to day, because it’s too much to think about any other way.

Just a rambling of random thoughts today.

That’s how I feel. One of those days, I guess.

Not much more to say right now.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME