178.

I can be grateful and happy that I am 178 days sober, and moving in what seems to be, a forward motion. 

Today I’m just going to go to work, and talk to animals.

Nothing fancy, but it works.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

A Mother’s Regret.

My eldest daughter will be 29, at the end of this month.

THAT is CRAZY.

She is surely one of the brightest and most beautiful people you will ever meet; and I am grateful every day that she turned out to be so level-headed and smart…despite having someone like me, for a mother.

It’s true; that was not a “poor me, feel bad for me”, statement.

My truth hurts me MOST of the time…because I chose to put a lot of things in front of what I should have done…for most of my life.

I haven’t allowed myself to fully feel the thoughts of how much I was not there for my first born, when she was growing up.  I love her SO much, that it’s hard for me to think about how much I missed out on by choice, how much that must have hurt her, and how much I know I’ve let her down, when it counted.

I was not there for her when she was little, not really. Not like I should have been, at all. 

I was more of a visiting friend…and it wasn’t consistent, or of much quality. She was not yet a year old, when I left my mother’s house. She didn’t come to live with me full-time until the age of 13, and by 16, she was living with her father.

I think that one of the hardest parts for me about being sober, is that all of the parts that I was trying to kill with substance, come seeping back in through the cracks; like an octopus that is systematically creeping through a crevis five times too small for it’s body.

I sometimes think that what hell really is… is the pain you have to suffer through, when you are alive on this Earth.

It sucks to know that I hurt my daughter emotionally. 

How and why, is a story of it’s own…that maybe I can manage to get fully down on paper some day.

I was texting with my daughter yesterday; and she thanked me for continuing to reach out to her. 

All I could do was to reassure her that I was there if she needed me. 

All I can do today, is to prove it to her by being consistent with love and support when she needs me, and otherwise always.

I tried to stay away from her for a long time, because I was ashamed of myself, my selfish ways, and I didn’t want to screw her up. 

I wish I would have had the support to believe in myself, and that I could have been a good mother to her; because I think I could have been. 

The truth is, my mother had me believing that I couldn’t do much of anything but fail, by the time she kicked me out, and I left the house…a month before my 18th birthday.

Another truth.

When your mother says “I will call the cops if you take that baby…”

Let’s just say if I would have been smart, I would have believed that I could have been a good mother to her. 

I would have found a way to be, the mother I should have been, because I would have known that I could do it…

And I would have, TAKEN MY OWN BABY with me.

I love my mother, but I wish she knew sometimes, how much I wish I could have been my daughters mother, instead of her. 

I’ve struggled with this, for almost 30 years now.

I hope that some day, I can truthfully talk to my daughter about that time..because mostly my goal is to LISTEN.

I’m proud of my daughter, and the woman she is. 

I hope she always knows it. 

I’m glad she was raised to always believe in herself no matter what; because I think it’s made all the difference. 

I have more to say about it, but not today.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Work.

So I got the job at the pet hotel. My orientation and scheduling is today, after noon.

I’m not too worried about it because I’m OCD and good with animals. 

My biggest challenge will be interacting with actual people. 

That’s funny I know. 

Especially if you knew me growing up.

I pretty much figure it can only be, as hard as I make it. 

I have goals that I can at least have a shot at meeting now, and have accomplished this one… because I know what is important.

I’m doing. 

This is the first tax-paying job, that I have had in almost five years. 

I’m still going to work on my other ideas for happiness, on the side.

Eventually I’ll find a way that suits me, and is truly fufilling/productive.

That’s important to me, but this is a good start.

I am 5 months, 23 days sober.

Meow.

Love yourself. 😘😘😘

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I’m at the Marriott in Chicago, and it feels like Ohio tbh…

It’s one of those days for me, where even the tiniest steps forward, mean something.

I’m working on my patience, and self-love; those are both processes that have been harder for me to do… The fact that I am doing well, and staying calm despite my anxiety today, is a really positive thing for me; for sure.

I haven’t called myself a fucking idiot today, at all.

WIN.

Thank you Dr.Phil…lol. Again.

The only thing I can do today is take it as it comes, and not talk down to myself or pop off, when I get frustrated. Because I am frustrated, and I have been popping off.

It’s technically a vacation of sorts that I’m on with T.

It hasn’t much felt like that at all for either of us, but I am still grateful that we are here together.

One thing I know for sure, is that I’m a master of making plans for my life, and then doing the chicken shit and never following through on them…or doing the exact opposite of the plan.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

I’m afraid to fail, but I’m more afraid of not TRYING to succeed at this point.

I hope that six months from now, I will be in a much better, financial state and much more cynical- free as well. 

I’m sober, and the weight and bullshit of the world, can only affect me, if I let it. 

Today I’m not going to let it, because I know that I am worthy, and can be successful in life; even though my story doesn’t fit the box.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Greetings from Chicago.

I’m in Chicago for four days with T, for his work. 

The cats are driving me insane, and I wish I had the I Dream of Genie nod or the Samantha nose wiggle going, so I could pause them all and have a chance to breathe for once. 

How is this vacation? Lol.

I have a lot on my mind, but I am sober; for that I am truly grateful.

I know that for me, that IS the most important thing. 

It’s Tuesday and I’m going to take a bubble bath…I figure why not.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ~Peaces of ME

A blog for me…Four months, twenty-nine days sober. 

First day that I have not woke up nauseous in a good while.

I’m grateful. 

I’m awake and motivated, and feeling rather confident.

I don’t feel manic or depressed.

It was a good morning.

I do know why. 

It’s because my anxiety is lower and I feel better in my head and heart about my relationship and life situation. 

I’m grateful.

I’m having needed discussions that are bringing me closer together with T, and filling up the empty spaces that I have inside too…because I get further understanding of him and of me as well.

I’m grateful for that, in all of it’s sticky facets.

Work is work, and that’s why they call it “work”.

It’s a scary feeling sometimes for me personally (I won’t lie); it’s part of my disease I think; 

but usually after you work at something consistantly, you are able to achieve something significant afterwards that matters to YOU.

Whether that be money, clarity, peace of mind, or whatever…something you need or want for your life.

It’s generally worth something in some way in the end, if you continue to work for it.

I guess I’m starting to feel like the steps will add up if I continue to build them for myself, and for T. Going up, suits us way better than going down, and that’s why I’m grateful my anxiety is down…and I feel better today. It allows me to focus on things I need to change in myself, and other things as well that are important to me; like my “career”. 

Whatever that is, or ends up being. Lol.

Every day is up and down naturally, but having needed discussions when we need to, puts a great deal of positivity back in me again.

I again today will actively try to be a better person by controlling what I choose to focus on, and not allowing negative thoughts to take over me.

I know that works for me. 

Learning about myself and how much I have things about me that I need to change was extremely overwhelming at first. 

REAL life, and my current state of mind these last months, has made me realize quickly, that I should embrace any challenge that I know will only make me a better, stronger person in the end…so I’m trying daily to do that; and today it’s just DO. 

I’m not trying today, I’m doing…

That’s why I’m glad I feel better.

Because I know if I can continue to be on the same level as T and work with him, the BS we go through, and will go through together will be manageable.

The shit we’ve been through will stay where it lies, dead and buried in the past, because that’s were it belongs and we can leave it there safely.

We can then focus on the things we need to do separately, to get “OUR” lives together; where we dream it should be; as a UNIT.

After the storm, comes the rainbow. 

I do feel a level of peace.

Thank God for herbal plants, and a man that truly loves me enough to fix himself from the inside out too; to make us healthier together.

I think that’s a true committment. 

I’m glad I am not afraid to admit my weaknesses, or to stand up for myself and my convictions.

I need to focus on listening more when I need to, and remembering always where I came from; and I know it.

I’m glad I’m working for my future today…and that I feel like I can, and it will mean something good to me in the end.

I’ll do what I have to, to make that feeling last, because I dig it fully. It suits me all day.

I am working towards staying strong as an individual, as well as being a better partner for the man I want to spend my life with, while still remaining myself (in better version like).

It IS indeed, a needed process.

It always starts with what I decide to focus on.

Today I am Seizing this day!

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I need a vacation from myself…for real.

For a long time, I guess I was “whiny”. You always look back on yourself, and most times I’m like “Wtf Jen, you were really stupid, and are.” 

Yep. 

Every day I play the “I love you” game with myself, in hopes that someday I may feel whole enough; to not destroy myself with my own mind anymore.

I am definitely my own worst enemy;  because of it…I push people away to a safe distance.

I am easily ALWAYS going to be a work in progress; and I’m trying to embrace that fact daily, because I think I put a lot of unnecessary stress on myself; that makes me lose the parts of myself that I DO like. 

It’s hard. Because I don’t want to feel like this inside. And it’s hard to explain to people, because I really don’t much know why I have such ups and downs every single day except that I am bipolar; I’m not willing to go on synthetic meds again; to zombie myself again; to try and stop it.

I do wish I could stop it though. 

I have tried for my whole life; to no avail. I gained a bunch of NOTHING doing that.

Who is terrified of failing so much; or being disliked so much…that she doesn’t even start?

ME.

I know I am better than that, also that that’s not true.

I am sober. I am also alive.

I see the way people look at me and I wish I could disappear.

When you struggle in your own soul, sometimes it is one of the lonliest places you can ever be.

It’s not a good feeling at all, and that’s why I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all.  

I know just writing this will help me refocus and move on for today. 

I am not crazy. 

I am a broken spirit who searches for light in my own darkness.

I hope today will be better than it started out.

Love Yourself…I’m trying to too.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Yep.

So we got the money back from the company that tried to scam us.

I’m surely happy about that.

We are currently looking for something more suitable (regarding housing).  We have had to start all over again.

I’m sick of the application fees and process, and the fact that everybody acts like you need a secret password to get accepted into their shit-hole house or apartment. 

They don’t even know how much better their property will be after I get to it. I am an artist, and I WAS a professional interior/exterior painter and decorator for almost 8 years, before I had my kids…so yeah you guys are ridiculous. I can make anything look like Better Homes and Gardens.

We did get accepted for another house; but we declined to rent it, because they were charging us too much for having cats.. “pet fees.”

If you have pets nowadays and want to rent affordably, you can pretty much forget about it. Now you’ll be paying $150-300 upfront on an animal deposit, and at least $15-30 bucks a month for each pet you have, on top of it, just for having the animal in the first place.

Joy. Joy. 

I’m seriously considering finding homes for all 3 of my cats (I don’t want to); because obviously when you have pets and are renting, you are punished for what every other irrresponsible pet owner has ever done before you. 

And that’s how I feel about it.

That’s not us, so fuck you; is what I think. You’re supposed to paint and replace the carpet anyways, and that’s rarely even done, Ffs. I’m NOT paying animal rent AND an animal deposit; for cats that are well-behaved and don’t ruin stuff… Not happening.

The past week has totally sucked in every facet.

I pretty much don’t even want to think about it, but I have to.

The only good things about this last week; up until now; have been the fact that we are still sober (4 months, 13 days), T and I are still together, and we are both safe.

I hope in the end, we will manage just fine. I’m still glad to be away from the people and the BS, of our former neighborhood.

Silver lining, I guess.

I wonder what this day will bring, and if I can get through it with Grace.

Loving that little girl inside of me today, because she’s a little scared, and her wings are really tired.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

No simple way, so I’ll F bomb some…There’s the warning…

You just have to love my ridiculous blog names, if nothing else. LOL *rolls eyes.

There are NO “simples” in my life AT ALL.

Every single thing I try to do has a process, or a sub-process of a process that I have to do, before I can ever get anything fucking done. It’s seriously just like math, which I cannot stand AT ALL.

It’s frustrating. It’s draining. It makes me want to bash my head into a tree and fire automatic weapons at sides of beef. 

No joke.

If that makes me sound crazy and stressed out, then I have made my point. 

It just never ends. 

It’d be fine if it was like 35% of the time all fucked up; but I’m riding on a high 80-90% average; and seriously, I’m just done with it.

I do not know why extremely shitty people of the world, seem to get everything with minimal effort, and skate on through life like they don’t give a shit about anyone or anything; and I have to play nice with God and keep tumbling through life feeling like a plastic bag in the wind; even though I’m putting in every effort I can muster.

I mean, COME ON.

Even when every single thing is in order, there is ALWAYS a glitch that creates MORE full-on anxiety and days of worry. 

Really it’s nothing 20 grand and a fucking break wouldn’t fix. 

WTF is that?

I don’t know what breaks are at all.  The only “breaks” I’ve had, have been the times I checked into the psych ward. 

Enough said.

NO, I’m not whining. I’m pissed off and tired of fucking bullshit and life’s bullshit, and the way you need money, money, money for fucking everything, and there’s just NO end to it.

It seems that clawing and scratching my way through is the only thing that ever gets me anywhere. 

I don’t know how to be OK with that.

My brain really can’t take it much longer, and I’m tired of the struggling.

Picking up the pieces of a broken life is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, besides my son dying. TRUTH.

At the moment I feel calm; but I’m just waiting for the NEXT fucked up thing to happen. 

Seriously.

Trying to love myself; because I know if I don’t, I’ll fail for sure. 

3 days of more waiting. 

Friday can’t come soon enough.

I’m running out of air, and it is thick.

I’m super stoked for the rest of the day.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

I Believe in ME.

I find myself every day. The smallest pieces click together more than not, and make me stronger.

I am blessed for the things I do have… and I am grateful everyday for the people in my life, whom I love. 

I no longer believe that I cannot achieve my goals; it is simply all about what I will do to achieve them. 

It is easier to have faith in myself when I know I am doing whatever I can to move forward, and not wasting time on things that don’t matter.

It doesn’t always go as planned (it never does), but eventually I always get there. 

My mother has often told me that I have a way about me, in which I do almost everything the opposite of what most people will do; but I always get it done; it’s usually better than most would do it. 

I agree with this fact fully because I know it is true. I think it’s just about the level of effort I choose to put in.

No effort equals nothing but existence and sadness, and I’m not satisfied with that kind of life anymore, because that’s not who I am anymore, or how I want my life to be.

I have never really fought for much of anything but my disease, and nurturing it.

I don’t want to be remembered, as the girl who drank her life away. I don’t want to end up dead from alcoholism like my Uncle Mike.

I know I have more to offer the world than that. 

I am glad that I can say now, that I am NOT my disease, and every day of my life, from now on, I plan to prove it to MYSELF. 

I am four months and two days sober today.

I’m still alive, and there is a reason for it. 

I do know whatever happens, I have to remember I’m worth the good things, and the bad things don’t dictate my life anymore. I won’t and can’t let them.

My struggles in life, make it that much more satisfying to say that I am still here, and moving forward.

I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but it’s something I think is a miracle, and I don’t want to waste the time I have left. 

I’m not giving up on a life of peace, and I’ll continue to fight for it daily.

Just thoughts on my mind today. 

Kind of a hard week coming up for T and I, but it’ll be SO worth it for the both of us, in the end. Good vibes are appreciated. 

I hope you all have a great weekend. 🙂

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME