Audio thoughts: Ask yourself the hard questions. Change your life.

I decided that it was time, to start sharing personal audio clips of the things I’ve asked myself, regarding change and life in general.

Sometimes I think people have pre-conceived notions of words on paper, and who I am.

It is much different to know a person in real life…and hear their spoken story or thought, as to read it.

I keep these thoughts on my devices; and I play them back when I feel the need to….

It helps me remember that I can be my own worst enemy….OR my own best friend.

I recorded this audio just this morning, after considering why it was worth it to change…and after a wonderful morning of healing that needed to happen for me and my journey forward to happiness.

I don’t know where this will lead; or how it will be taken.

But people ask me sometimes how I got it together.

I started to look at who I was; and didn’t like what I saw. (audio link)

My answer: I don’t have it all together; because it’s a journey to a higher place I’m not at yet; but I actively participate in my healing and success now. Asking myself relevant things. Looking inward, instead of out. Living every day to change my life in ways it needs to be changed. Changing it, one step at a time, day by day.

That’s all I can do for myself, and the people I love in this world. They deserve the best version of me, at all times.

So do I.

Asking yourself the hard questions of life, and answering them genuinely is the first step to changing.

I am 10 months, 1 day sober.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

And I Ran.

And then the day comes that you see the person you used to be…

And you run from her. 

You keep running until she stops running after you. 

You are conditioned for this.

You have conditioned yourself.

You run and you run, until finally…

You breathe a sigh of relief;

Because you know, you’ve won the race. 

Because you put the effort in

And ran.

She couldn’t keep up after the gun went off.

But you kept running.

Because you wanted to make sure you won. 

I am sober 9 months, 24 days.

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

It’s not Impossible and is Never too Late, to Change the Negative Things You Grew up Learning. 

Change is hard, when you are conditioned to believe a certain way; or have conditioned yourself to think a certain way; because that’s the way you’ve always known for so long.

That does not mean that change is not possible, if it is something that you really choose to do for yourself.

People do it every day. 

You can be one of those people.

…………………………………………………….

I used to feel afraid of saying how I felt, because I thought that no one cared to hear me; or I would offend someone because I had an opinion that didn’t match theirs; or I would get in trouble some how.

In the end, the only one that suffered for it….was ME

When I was a child…many times just walking into the room, would cause my step-father to react badly to me. Especially if he had been drinking.  I was conditioned to believe that I needed to be a certain way… or stay away… or do this, this way… Or think this way… for any kind of safety; regarding not getting hit or punished; or for any kind of valid love my step-father ever gave me (or my idea of what I thought “valid love” was, back then, as a child.)

I tried to act accordingly…but often failed because the goal was unattainable. I was not my step-father’s real child; and because of that, he hated me for it. I was treated as if something was wrong with me; and nothing was ever good enough…much differently than my two sisters, that were his blood, and real children.

I just stopped trying after a while, and rebelled instead.

I never thought highly of myself at all; and it showed by my actions.

I think writing saved my life when I was younger; because I could get my thoughts down and out of my mind, and I didn’t have to upset anyone in the process.

I could say the things to my father that I wanted to say, without fear. I could also bury my thoughts to be able to cope.

The truth is my father scared me. Every day, up until the time he left my mother, I was afraid of what the day held at my house. I stayed away from my house as much as I could growing up; and then when I was older and into my older teen years, I hated my step-father as much as I ever loved him.

Hate is a strong word, and a sin, I know.

I still did though.

I held on to that hate for so long, and the conditioning carried over into my adult life.

I subconsciously and consciously sought out people that were never truly satisfied with anything, as well as anything I did. I became the same kind of way.

I was used to conforming to what people wanted. I spent a great deal of my life doing it.  Almost 40 years. It often was never good enough, because I wasn’t being me…and it always came through. I melted into the idea of what other people wanted me to be, because every time I had an opinion that didn’t match someone else’s….bad things seemed to happen. In my head, I expected it to happen, Sometimes made it happen too. 

Occassionally still, it seems to still be that way;

but I am learning…

It took me a long time to realize, that the person really holding me back…was ME.

In fact, I struggle a lot with that core truth. 

Me being afraid to be myself; and voice my own opinions; was something I learned as a child; and I had to unlearn that way of unhealthy thinking. 

I am un-learning it STILL. It’s a process.

It’s taken actual effort, and time; and it’s not something that can be changed without either of these things.

I started to look at my life, and my choices that I did have control over. My father doesn’t call the shots for my life anymore…I DO. I can’t blame my past for my current life and problems anymore; because all it brings to me is despair and spinning wheels. 

There are many people in the world, who have had similar stories to mine, or even WAY worse things they’ve struggled through and have had to endure…and they HAVE.

I know it doesn’t make my struggle any less real to me; or any less painful; but I’m just saying, THOSE people who put the work in to change their way of thinking about their negative experiences; have most often endured; and went on to become much better people in the end of it all because of it; because they chose to learn from their struggle; take ownership of it; and rise above it, to achieve much greater, more positive things. 

A different way of thinking. Positive thinking and effort. Little, positive things adding up to bigger positive things; adding up to better positive thinking, and a better positive life in general. 

And it’s like that; and what I’ve found. 

Every day I try to be better than yesterday, to myself.

I figured I’ve spent a great deal of effort into making myself suffer in life, and those around me as well. I can make an equally, conscious effort into being decent and sober; and working every day for a healthy life, and a solid mind-set.

What I’ve really found is that THAT’S what suits ME best; and it’s when I’m most proud of myself. 

You can do it too. 

Make the choice to move forward, and don’t look back anymore. 

You can help people understand who you are; by being YOU, without apology.

Don’t let yourself down anymore, or live in the negative things you’ve learned. 

It’s worth it to make the choice to un-learn those things, because it will affect everything you do, and everyone you know, for the better. 

Only YOU can live YOUR life, and be proud of who YOU are. 

There’s really no kind of happiness without it; and you’ll forever be thankful that you can just be, without regret.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

To be Present. My Visit with my Children in Michigan.

I was very anxious and also nervous to see my kids this last Saturday. When I saw them… all that left me.

I became elated.

Sitting there with them in those first moments; when I actually was faced with the realization of just how much I had missed out on these last years without them; I automatically began to feel so small and unworthy of their love; also ashamed of myself. There are no words for it…

I know that feeling will take time to go away; and I had to push it aside and focus…but it’s still there. As it should be, maybe…I don’t know. I struggle with it.

My kids are as beautiful and amazing as I remember. It was the very best thing to see them. I needed to be present; to talk with them and hug them. I needed to make that effort to show I could be…and can be there, when I say I will be. In the past I have made promises that I could not keep. That is over now.

 I know it was just one visit, and that I have a long way to go. I know that things are not the same anymore, and that none of us can get the time back ….but it is a start of better things to come…I am sure of it. Also a huge goal for myself that I have met…a first step of being there for them. 

My kids and I spent time together; and we laughed 🙂 I got to give them their gifts from the holidays; it was nice to see them open them in person. We bowled, ate and played video games, and laughed some more. 

It was a good time.

If I’m being totally honest, then it makes sense to tell you this as well. It was awkward for me at points, because I tend to over think things a lot; and I think for me, that was really the reason for that feeling. I want to be positive around my children you see; and always if I can manage the very highest percentage of that. I try to put myself in my kids minds sometimes…but I know that it’s not smart to do so much…because my guilt comes again…and it makes it hard to focus on the moment. Also not going to help me be Jenni today. 

I guess it’s to be expected for a while…that I’d do that, though. Guilt can kill you, but it’s way worse when it’s guilt about your present.  I don’t have guilt at all about my present self. I am grateful for the fact that I can feel again. I wish I could stop the feelings of the past that pop up though; quicker; until it goes away for good, because it sucks to replay in your head. Maybe that is selfish, but I can’t be positive when I feel like I’m shit. It’s unhealthy to dwell on the negative past too; because it cannot be changed. I tell myself that.

Geez….what am I going to do with you Jenni.

………………………………………………………

It’s strange to see my children growing so fast; and it is hard to get the memories of when they were younger into proper focus sometimes. That was then; and this is indeed now. They are both so kind and smart; beautiful and handsome;  both amazing kids, growing into amazing bigger ones. 🙂 

It was really a sight for sore eyes, and very comforting to me…despite my fleeting thoughts of guilt.

I have made a promise to myself, to make sure I never let them down again. I cannot. That is a solid commitment that I can only fulfill with my actions, and by remaining sober…and I will;  doing it day by day….like today; I will make that choice to live

I’m dying if I drink again….I don’t want to drink…. It ruins everything, every time. That is a fact for me, and you can definitely agree, based on my BS track record.

I don’t know, but…..

I feel as if my entire life came to a head when I had to say goodbye. I tried not to cry, but I couldn’t help it. 

I hope they will forgive me for that….sometimes it just comes out.

In the future, I will either be moving back to Michigan, or somewhere way closer to Michigan.  I want and need to be there for my kids in whatever capacity I can, and that they want or need me to be. I do not know what that will be; but I will be there for them regardless, and none the less…by being able to physically see them more, if that is something the future holds.

I owe them that. I want to be there. I wasn’t…but I can be now.

Although I do think it was a good thing that I left Michigan; I don’t think the way I did it, or the circumstances surrounding my move; did anything but cause a huge rift, that is not repairable.

I hope that new, good memories, and my solid commitment to be well; can replace the bad ones, until they sink to the bottom and get lost.

My kids will always be my kids; and I hope now that they see me well, they will start to realize that I am different than when I was sick, and want to know me again. 

That’s my hope.

I’m just going to continue to call them, and decide about what would be best with everything else, as it comes. I’m trying not to be overly dramatic about everything, because I know that it’ll just make things more confusing for everyone. 

It is a very emotional time for me right now though.

I appreciate my ex for being so respectful towards me; and for him and his wife allowing me the opportunity to see my children; because they didn’t have to. 

I know it’s because I am backing up my words with actual positive actions now…and also that that’s the way it SHOULD have been all along. 

People CAN change for the better, if they really want to.

 I thank you both for giving me a chance to prove it to my kids… because it means more than I can tell you.

My kids are happy and thriving, and I count my blessings every day to know this. 

This is the first chapter in a road of twists and turns with them I’m sure…but I can’t say enough how much seeing them, made me know that I’m on the right path in my life. I knew that before; but it was re-affirming.  I know it’s not going to always be easy; but I am moving forward. 

I owe it to my kids (all 4), to continue. I owe it to myself. I owe it to my family. I owe it to my true friends, and anybody that ever looked up to me. 

I am 9 months and 16 days sober; and every day that I am alive is a gift, and a chance to make a positive difference in the world. 

I know this; and I finally feel like it’s all possible. It’s nothing without my children, and it’s nothing without my sobriety and the truth of life.

This I know for sure. 

Whatever happens from here on out, is directly hooked into these three things.  My direct efforts are going into them…because to me, it’s the only thing that matters to me at this point.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

 A Trip to Michigan.

Every day I am up by 6 am, but this day has felt particularly long to me for some reason. I was happy to have the small dogs at work tonight for a change; because you just can’t not love the small dogs. They make me happy 🙂

I’ve been hesitant to mention it; but I was able to get the time off of work that I needed, to visit my children in Michigan. I will see them in three more days. This is the first time in over two years.

I don’t much know what to say about that; except that I am regretful for many things regarding my kids…and this would be one of those things for certain. I have let them down in the past; and so now that everything is in place, I feel a little less anxious about it. 

Probably why I was hesitant to mention it.

I am nervous for various reasons; but also so excited and grateful to be seeing my kids. I hope it will be the start of more positive things between us, in the future. I don’t think I can hope or expect more.  I will also get to see my mother…which is also awesome. 
I couldn’t be happier about going. I feel more nervous about the weather, than anything else. 

I’m staying positive about it all; because that’s my M.O. now…

T will also be with me; so with the two of us together, it’s going to be an exciting trip there and back for sure. 

Love Yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

To Live…2018.

Every year I look back with a new respect for myself, the people I love, and the fact that the world is still spinning.

2017 is no exception.

On this 2018 New Years Day, I am nine months, six days sober. I’m finding every day that my attitude about things I find hard to deal with in life; only changes when I change it; allow the change to happen; and embrace the change fully. I have learned a lot this year about myself; and to what extremes I will go to for health and happiness.

I do not have to hold on to turmoil; or things, habits or people that cause my life stress or harm; and to spin out of control. I do not have to be that kind of person, that focuses on the negative either…and have been doing well In that area, compared to how I used to be. 

I’ll take that.

To value myself in times when others may not, or in situations that may not be ideal for me; causes a rift in my unhealthy thinking cycles; and it then pushes me towards the positive change, that is now starting to stem to every other aspect of myself, and my life.

Little things have added up.

The change was and is still slow sometimes; it is always ongoing, and often still frustrating….

But I AM becoming.

I WILL CONTINUE TO PUSH THROUGH THE BULLSHIT IN 2018.

This year, I’ve made a promise to myself, to live every single day as if it were my last and without regret at all; and to also help as many people as I can to feel worthy of doing the very same… NO REGRETS. I have goals that I’m excited to meet; and a hope that I will get to where I need to be; if I just keep, keeping on.
I look back at this last year….and it was difficult, but worth every single second. 

2018 is going to be a solid year for me, because I refuse to let it be anything else. 

It’s taken me a long time to get here….and I know it’s just begun. 

I couldn’t be more excited.

I hope your New Year will be full of positive things, happy moments, and goals met.

I also hope you rock it in your own kick-ass way…and LIVE it like there’s no tomorrow… Because that’s what really matters. 🙂

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Festivus for the Rest of Us.

It’s the classic Seinfield episode, that most accurately fits my holiday celebrations; and/or, lack thereof; depending on the year and how I’m feeling. Festivus…It’s the safest Holiday greeting to give; if you don’t want to get beat up or shunned this Holiday season. (*Huge sarcasms) (I’m laughing as I type this)

Christmas used to be a time that I was excited for every year. When I was a child, I’d literally make myself sick with excitement; and I could never sleep well Christmas eve, because of it. My mother still refers to those days sometimes…and we always have a laugh about it…because seriously, I was a total dork back then too, as well; whoda’ *thunk it.

Yes; I do have good memories of Christmases past. Memories of my childhood, and memories of my kid’s childhood Christmases too.

As I’ve gotten older, and am also divorced now;  I’m no longer involved with my kids Christmas mornings. I’m grown as well. So what used to be a really special time of year for me, has morphed into a rather take it or leave it holiday instead. It’s just another day to me really; except everything’s closed. Not to mention the over-commercialization; and the obvious over-inflation of the idea, that you must spend money to excess. It starts sooner and sooner every, single year. People act more desperate and “Scroog ish” as well. To me that is frustrating; and also sad. It’s not about the Black Friday deals…

My Christmas changed to Festivus because of it.

It suits me better.

Grievances.

I don’t know. I guess this year I’m just happy to be able to celebrate with T; and to know my kids had a wonderful holiday; because I know they did. I don’t have grievances that I’d really like to share…most are internal struggles, and not really grievances at all.

This year I am sending my friends and family some candies I made, that have my own Festivus Jenni touch on them.  I’m considering doing more of these in the future to sell (this is just one idea); but I thought I’d do a trial run first on the “immediates”. Haha.

I also made a donation to the Ronald McDonald house in my son Karter’s name. I try to do that every year; because I know without their support, my son could have never gotten the care he needed in Detroit or Cleveland.  At that time, we were a new family, and just doing the best we could financially. We were able to stay with the Ronald McDonald house while in those hospitals; and it really did take a big financial/mental burden off of us because of it. We were able to focus on more important things; like my son’s future care and treatments.

I will always be grateful for the Ronald McDonald house; and I look forward every year to donating, so other families that need help, can focus on healing as well. It makes the holidays better for me.

Here is the link, if you are so inclined. It truly will help people who need it.   

  The Ronald McDonald House 

I did not have a pole this year like a regular Festivus celebration; and my feats of strength consisted of lifting and moving a lot of dogs at work, and whatever yummy goody I could manage to shove in my mouth. I got to talk to my kids; and I was happy to be with T and his family today; and happy to know that T and I are celebrating one year together; AND 9 months sober today as well. That’s a Festivus gift we both gave to ourselves, and the people we love. We worked for it; and continue to do soevery day, because it will always matter most.

Also, if you ever want to look at a cool light display, check out Light up Middletown, if you’re ever in my neck of the woods next Season. It’s awesome! 

That’s about it, and what counts this season, in my world right now. 

I hope wherever you are, and whatever you are doing and did this year to celebrate; it truly was and will be festive and beautiful for you. 

I mostly say Happy Festivus to people; because it saves me time from dealing with the PC people of the world, that have to have their Christmas greeting worded in such a way, that it suits their beliefs/religion. 

Festivus knows no boundaries, and is ALL inclusive. 🙂

I think it’s safe to say, that it really doesn’t matter how you say it; as long as you remember what truly matters in the holiday season, and really always. That is kindness; family and loved ones; giving of yourself in any regard that is positive, and in any capacity; and to remember that gifts come in many different forms. Just being there for someone and valuing them when they really need you, is probably one of the greatest gifts you could ever give someone…and is FREE.

Happy Festivus for the rest of us, and all that jazz. I hope your holidays are amazing.

Love yourself. Xo

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Untitled.

You choose the easiest way, because it requires less effort…and suits you directly; right now.

I know, because I’ve lived it; and was that person too, in the past.

It’s never the easiest way though. You know this. 

That’s why it’s frustrating.

Unfortunately, the easiest way, is not always the best way to go. Many times you end up missing out on things you could have achieved or had, or people who would have stayed in your life; because at the time you didn’t think taking the easy way mattered…and it was easier than trying to go the other way. 

Everything is relevant. Your choices on ways to go are relevant too…

Like a last goodbye. 

What and whom you focus your attention on; is what you put your effort into; and it is like anything else. 

What will you choose to fight for?

Empty promises, words destroyed by your actions time and again.

More than anything, I want to take the best way, not the easiest one. 

If you are not beside me; I will go alone. 

There’s a future that awaits me; and it’s coming regardless of the hurdles.

There is no easy way to get there at all; and I can’t walk for both of us anymore, because I am tired.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

The Journey.

Moving forward isn’t about everything going completely smooth and according to plan. 

It’s about the everyday choices you make for yourself; and remembering what’s important in life…doing what you have to do, to nurture those ideas.

Doing positive things in any capacity, is better than not. It’s not about the scale of the act; but the act itself.

Even when it’s hard, there’s a certain calm in me now, that I am grateful for.

I know it is about the journey…

And this is mine.

For once I am not afraid…and that comforts me.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

The Truth Will Set You Free.

I own my story, and my life.

The good parts; the bad; and the lessons I have learned through falling, and standing back up again.

I talk about it openly, because I hope to help others not be afraid of working towards a healthy and positive life too; despite their mental illnesses, disabilities, addictions, or self-esteem hang ups; or the work that goes into managing the compulsions and set backs that may accompany them.

For a long, long time I lived a life that was not in any way, shape or form; my best potential. Not even 80%. Or 70….and some times not even .999.

I masked myself with vices to numb myself from reality. I drank too much, for too long. I took prescribed, synthetic meds that made my symptoms worse, and compromised my health just the same.

Or I combined the two.

I’ve also done the hard drugs, with the exception of interveniously shooting them…but I have managed to do those kinds of drugs in other ways, none the less, and just the same.

The point is; it wasn’t a life that I was proud of. I had tried and failed, more times than I cared to admit.

I’d finally had enough of my demons; and I walked away from them to save my own life.

I decided that no one else owed me anything; and I needed to try to try…because shitty life or not… it was my life to live; and how could I even know if my life could be better, if I was continually caving to the vices that were destroying me.

I stopped that behavior, because it WAS killing me.

It was killing the people around me that care about me too; like my family, and true friends. I was killing them, with MY behaviors and actions.

I chose to lift my thought process, to something that would propell me forward instead of backwards for once…

I’ve been in ruthless pursuit of my peaceful self, ever since.

I gave up the parts of me that liked to kill me slowly; and their accompanying chaos. I do not trigger them, or engage them today, because it makes me sick, literally…and it’s simply not worth living a miserable existence for.

The trys become DOs a lot more now; now that I know I’m awake; and sober. 

I decided I couldn’t really do much, without actually doing it.

Go figure.

…………………………………………..☀.               🌟.                    ☀

There will be life rewards that will come to you, from the work part of coming to terms with yourself.

You start to realize things about yourself that will change the pieces of damage you carry, into fibers; that make your body stronger for the work that you have put in, and are putting in to heal. Emotional strength and loving who you are as a whole; is to me…one of the top important things in life…

In my opinion, THEE most important; probably because it has been so hard, and taken so long for me to actually start doing it.

To make peace with yourself, is a gift you give YOU.  To miss the unlovable parts sometimes, is normal. To not talk to those parts or engage them, because they hurt you…is crucial.

Tough love and sacrifice.

You will become a better person for it.

It’s a given.

It is a daily choice to live honestly and without regret.

I’ve learned this finally.

It is sometimes not easy. I learn something new about life and myself every single day…and sometimes I feel weak.

I am NOT perfect…but I make a solid effort to be honest and generally nurturing and compassionate; true…for years now.

I grow, and forgive myself for the things that I have done to keep myself sick.

I had to; to move forward.

My family and children have also forgiven me, and so what I can do now, is prove myself to them through my actions…not words.

I’m doing that.

I personally feel most of the time that I need to work harder. I guess that’s something that I will always hate about myself. 

It really never seems to be enough; no matter how genuine I am; in just about all aspects of my life.

That’s a fact.

Uncertainty has always scared me, because I’ve been in survival mode, since the first time my step-father made me realize that I was going to get hit if I didn’t conform…so for a long time. My real father is a jailed until death murderer, drug addict, and also has mental issues…

I come from broken.

That is a fact.

It took SO long, to give ME a chance.

I was afraid of love, and myself as well.

FEAR will kill you…or large parts of you…every day. It will manifest into anxiety that will cause parts of you to die. You will stop caring about the people you love…because you’re afraid.

True fact. As according to ME. And what happened to ME in MY life.

That’s it.

When you’ve suffered things you can’t make sense of; and you have, or have had trauma in your life…if you’ve carried it with you like a best friend for as long as you could remember; if you’ve masked the pain and hidden from the world and yourself….a lot of what you feel is ALONE.

One of the key things I personally needed to learn; is that, I was NOT, and AM NOT alone.

I CHOSE to remain alone and not seek help….

because I was afraid.

To me, if I didn’t hurt emotionally or physically in some fashion; then I would be, being selfish. I also let people make me feel selfish for loving myself; and I more than not put other people’s needs, in front of my own.  And so, because I don’t like that part of me; the selfish part….because she’s riddled with fear and hate; I became compliant…and I hated myself. 

When I began to believe that it was possible to heal my mental damage, and control my bipolar…without synthetic medication, or alcohol, I began to come into myself again, and started knowing who I was as a person, based on reason…for the first time.

I am a good person despite my flaws; and I FINALLY know this.

There were many people who showed me reason throughout my journey, along my way.

I thank you, truly…

Sometimes tough love is the only thing that works. Also, when I realized the damage I had caused others….well I needed to fix the parts of me that did that. 

I fail sometimes still…..but the people that love me for me, know I put effort towards succeeding now; and I do on more and more occasions lately, because I put the work in.

Period.

You can hate me, and judge me all you want to, and say anything you want to about me….I’m OK with that.

The sweetest part about coming to terms with your own truth, is that you’re the only one that has to own it.

People that are not contributing to my positivity and well-being today; I don’t hold stock in. The truth of the matter is… someone that thinks they are better than you, because of the things you’ve done or been through…or haven’t; will most likely never get it, until they start looking at their own short-comings; until something significant causes a rift in them, that can’t be fixed; and they have to look for their own peace.

Judging me, won’t change the fact that I’m OK with me.
Something I’ve learned and worked for, over time, as well.

I don’t live by anyone’s rules but my own. I also hold value in myself, and were I’ve been.

I should be dead.

I wear the scars mentally, externally, and across my face and body daily… MY story; and a life, that I have lived. 

MY life.

Some people want me to feel bad and ashamed about that for the rest of my life. Instead, I talk about my issues and life, so I can heal from within, and help others who have no voice, to heal themselves too.

I’m disappointed that I wasn’t regarded or valued the way I should have been, as a child…because I think if I had been valued more…I might have valued myself more.

But I can’t live in that.

I’m just as disappointed by myself…because I never valued myself.  I’m angry that I hurt people I value/valued in my life…because I was living the wrong way, and numb.

I consider who I am today…and I’m OK with her; I’m a more than decent person…and I know it, AND show it.

True; I have a ruthless streak in me, that likes to pop off. I consciously try to avoid situations and surroundings that make her show up. 

I have to do that for myself.

I’m glad I stopped drinking. I’m glad I stopped synthetics…every day.

I know, I can be working daily for a goal that I may never fully achieve. I know also, that I can be a good influence on the greater good of things; I already am in many regards, and I know my words resignate with many.

It’s because I wasn’t afraid of being honest about the things I’ve been through.

I owned it.

I don’t love everything in my life at all, or everything that I’ve done in my life; but here’s something I learned, and try to practice daily………………………….

You can choose to change your life for the better at any given moment in time.

TRUTH.

And you don’t need anybody else’s permission or opinion about it at all, to do it.

You just need to do it.

It’s not a bad thing to say I’ve had enough of the negative, and the negative self-esteem.

It’s not a bad thing to value yourself, as much as you value others.

It’s not a bad thing to be truthful, and ask for help when you need it.

I remember that, because it IS true.

You can hate me all you want to for any of my past..but that’s not who I am today.

I am sober; 7 months, 4 days.

I am living with conviction and the truth of my reality.

I am worth it.

I’m grateful for that, and that I finally know it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME