17 months sober.

I am 17 months sober today.

I feel good about it. I’m pretty ok with where I am right now, even though it’s still not ideal as a whole. I’ve grown immensely in myself and learned a lot about life this past year-and-almost-a- half. More than I ever have, actually.

I’m still growing/learning, and I’m happy about that too. It means I’m not stuck anymore, and that there’s hope for me yet….even on the bad days.

I know I won’t compromise myself anymore to make other people happy. I don’t care what some may think of me. I’ve struggled too long, and too hard to care much, honestly.

I know I won’t compromise myself to not feel anymore. I’d rather feel everything because at least I know it is real.

I know I don’t want to ever drink again, and I will keep choosing not to drink daily; because messing up now would ruin every, single thing that I have been working for, and have already accomplished. It would make no sense at all, and would be the stupidest thing I could do. I’m done with that nonsense. It will never be worth drinking again for me because it was never worth it in the first place.

My focus now is on finding a private therapist that will actually be able to get me in on their schedule. The other therapist I can’t wait for anymore.

A side thought is that I’m not looking forward to spending all these holidays coming up, alone.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas…..

It sucks when you want the company, but don’t want to deal with any of the other stuff that comes along with the said company.

I don’t know anybody in real life that’s into deep conversation and cuddling. Although I’m not intensely focusing on it, the cooler weather coming always reminds me that I am single again. (Lol). Worse things for sure I know; just sayin’.

I just wonder if that’ll ever be in the cards for me again.

A companion.

Right now, I can’t wait to get out of work, so I can go home and sew and paint.

I’m making myself Sunday dinner tonight too, to celebrate the fact that I’m not an active drunk anymore and I’ve chosen to live instead.

I still need more money coming in, and a raise at the job I already work at. I cannot move any further forward in working for myself, without more money.

Reviews are coming soon they say, also another shot at the shift lead position…I should get it this time, and I’m ready for it.

It just has been very stressful, to be extremely honest. I do realize it is a first-world problem of sorts, but I really don’t know what’s going to happen with my finances at all. I’m staying optimistic though and going day to day, because it’s too much to think about any other way.

Just a rambling of random thoughts today.

That’s how I feel. One of those days, I guess.

Not much more to say right now.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The patience thing again. Sometimes it’s a daily thing.

So today I’m working on patience with myself and situations, and waiting on reacting if I get frustrated…

Again.

I have to remind myself constantly to wait on reacting, but it is essential for me, I think, to do just that.

Words just come out of my mouth sometimes, and I tend to get highly anxious when I know just thinking through something completely can slow me down. Most times it sounds like barking when it’s really just anxiety. I feel shitty when I get that way too because I know it’s not the best version of me. I feel like I should know better by now.

Still, I know that there will be days….

I’m trying to quell the parts of me that are too unruly. It is definitely a one day at a time process.

This too shall pass…..surely.

I know I will find a happy medium eventually.

I am one year, four months, and twenty-six days sober today, and living life on life’s somewhat bitchy terms.

Hooray. 😏

If I look tired, it’s because I truly am.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peace of ME

To accept the things I cannot change, and build a new foundation for trust.

I went to Michigan to see my children and my mother a few weeks ago. I went by myself and stayed with my mother at her condominium.

It was a good trip; extremely therapeutic for me.

As I drove there and back to Ohio, I considered a lot of things.

The hardest part of the trip for me; as is every trip to Michigan; was seeing the obvious anxiety that my daughter still has when she sees me.

We are still somewhat awkward with each other anyway; because we are re-learning each other again, and I have not been around in some years.

It’s hard to know that I caused her damage that I cannot reverse. For whatever reasons they were, I will always regret hurting my youngest daughter in a way that will always make her question me.

I hate myself for it. To see it on her face is hard, but I know it is hardest for her. This beautiful child should never have to question her mother’s love or have had to in the first place.

Fact.

Today I put forth the effort every day to be a better person than I was yesterday. Even if it’s just little things like being more soft-spoken than I’d normally be, I do put forth the effort every day to be better in myself.

I understand what I’ve done and what it will take to have trusts form again between my youngest two.

I know that it will not be a traditional relationship. I know the reality.

Regarding my kids, I try to be totally honest with them now.

I am still not perfect, but I do what I say I’m going to do. If I can’t or think I might not be able to, I’m honest about it.

Because wanting to do, and doing, are two totally different things. Like saying you’ll be there, is totally different than saying you might not be there, but you’ll try your hardest to be.

I stopped promising my kids things that I know I can’t do.

It is better to disappoint with the truth than to make a promise and fall through on it.

I learned that hardcore, the wrong way; the hard way.

I damaged my kids because of it.

I worry about follow through a lot these days. In general, but regarding my kids for sure.

I’m trying to let them live their lives without major interference from me. They have a new family unit and are happy. I try to respect that fully.

I miss them every day.

I cry sometimes still because I’ve missed my kids growing up and every major event in their lives, since for years and years. I regret it.

I know I cannot change the past. I know that my daughter has anxiety because I chose to give up on myself and them. I was a combination of suicidal, scared, hopeless, distraught, sick in my head with grief over my whole life and what my life even meant after my son started getting sick, and then even more after he passed.

It was still no excuse to give up on my kids and everything.

I worried every day. All day long. But it was about if my son was going to die, and then it became what I could have done differently to prevent his death.

It was my entire focus for over a decade.

I was there, but I was not. Then I was not there at all.

I had a major lapse, and then I drank and combined it with narcotics to numb my brain from feeling any of it.

That truth is so hard to admit.

I will never be able to tell you what that feels like to have to know that your daughter has every legit right to be anxious around you.

What a selfish alcoholic I was. I tried to hide it and just couldn’t hide anything.

You can’t hide the truth, without repercussions.

This I know for sure.

I think of who I was then, and who I am today. I hope every day that my kids will start to see, some of the good changes in me.

I hope they will be able to trust me again in the future.

My children inspire me to keep going. If I cannot keep going for anything else; I will for them.

I told my daughter on the phone the last time I talked to her that I will always come back for her. Always.

I wanted her to know that I’m not going to get sick and go away again.

I know that I have enough coping and life skills in me now, to be able to prevent that from ever happening again. I have a support system. I have tools. But she doesn’t know that. How could she?

I hope that one day my daughter will feel happy to see me, instead of anxious.

It’s a goal that I have to work on, on my end if it; because I’m the one that made the problem.

Trauma is real and comes in many forms. If you do not deal with your own trauma, it projects out and you will cause trauma in other people’s lives. More so, you will systematically push away everything in the world that ever mattered to you, until you are alone with nothing else left but your thoughts.

Then you will begin to see the damage you have created for yourself, and for the people who love you.

My children had no choice in the matter. I did. I made the wrong ones.

If you can relate to any of this, my advice is find it in you to change right now.

Do not miss out on the best things in your life.

It is all I can do to keep moving forward now.

For my kids; for my future, for myself.

I can’t help but remember sometimes, because I know my kids still do. I hope to make it right in the end.

I have more to write about my kids, but that’s enough for today.

Love yourself; because if you don’t love yourself, no one else will be able to either.

P.s. Sorry about the head-chop Austin, your sister took the picture 🙂 ❤

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Weight

The weight of the world is on your shoulders.

So why you gotta’ go and sit on the weight?

What’s coming, who’s coming? I don’t know, aren’t you curious?

Why ya’ gotta’ go and have it all perfect before you leap?

You already know there is no net anyways, and you are the kind that always jumps.

What’s it going to take to get you off of this weight?

We need to move it, and let your life out for someone that will use it.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

It’s your Birthday… Don’t party like it’s your Birthday.

Yeah, if I partied like it was my Birthday…it wouldn’t be good for ANYTHING in my life.

NO.

I am sober. This is the first thing I can celebrate today.

All things start and end with this.

Cheesy I know, but seriously.

I’m going to see my two youngest children this weekend.

So that is another gift.

I’m 47 today.

What?

How am I supposed to answer this question? It seems surreal at best.

I don’t know, I guess we’ll find out together.

I intend to live with more purpose this year.

Build a brand.

Make enough money supporting myself off of doing things that come naturally to me. Like art, writing, sewing, crafting, furniture, making clothes, photography, inspiring people to inspire themselves to live, instead of living to die slowly every day in despair. Work my other job at the kennel as well.

I will make wiser choices from now on about my time management and money.

Well, that’s my goal.

I need to fix my credit.

I need to make more money to do that.

I have to work another job on top of the one I have, because I have immediate bills and fair credit.

Why not do what I’m good at?

I don’t want to work a second job for someone else. I already have a job like that.

I know that I have to stay positive and motivated every day.

I feel as though I almost always am at this point.

I can see the silver linings in life so much easier now.

I know my money situation will work itself out.

I just need to keep working for it, and take a chance on ME.

I used to say that I just needed a ” break”.

Now I know that I make my own choices, and those choices directly affect my future.

I have to do the work to get anywhere. Even if it’s slow going.

It’s my passion to live my truth and do a job that inspires me.

I have to choose wisely what I do with my time, or I won’t meet the goals I want to meet.

I’m not stopping until I get somewhere.

This year is going to be a productive one for me, and I am full of hope.

That is what 47 is bringing to me.

A whole lot of focusing on moving forward, and not focusing on looking back.

I do not feel 47 at all; and I’m rolling with that fact.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Breathe no matter what.

Staying positive and breathing through anxiety is what I can do EVERY time.

I just got out of work a little while ago. I stopped to clear my mind a bit. Now I’m going home and taking a bubble bath. Then I’ll eat Chinese and watch a movie. My animals are going to love it. (LOL)

I work tomorrow morning at 6:30. Not a day off in sight.

Missing my kids; but knowing everything is fine; and will be somehow.

I’ve been doing a lot of test shots with my camera. I have things I want to work on. I hope that I can find the time to do that; I need a new tripod; so that will happen after work tomorrow.

I can only hope and believe that tomorrow will be great…

Go from there.

It’s maybe not the most glamorous life for me right now; but it is mine.

I am one year, two months, and twenty-two days sober.

EVERY day that makes me smile. 🙂

I hope your Sunday was peaceful; and you kept cool.

{Working for the weekend}, starts tomorrow.

Yeah; I know it’s a Loverboy lyric. It was intentional; and I’ll always be a lyric whore.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The next time you want to make an excuse to lie to yourself; READ THIS.

Sober af; and I am glad that I am strong enough today; to stay that way.

I don’t do AA or anything anymore at all; because it actually triggers me, instead of helps.

I equate it to a religion…which I also don’t conform to, or do. (I have my own beliefs about that)

So…

My point is; despite those facts; AA DOES have great “coined phrases” that you can use to remind yourself…that you can’t get something for nothing, and expect it to save your soul.

I’m not too fond of the “It works if you work it”, because it’s a little too cheesy for my liking. Lol.

“DO THE WORK” suits me better. Also in capital letters so you can read it better. THIS is what flashes across my brain when I feel weak.

If I didn’t do that for myself; I’d just hit the Beer and Beer drive through down the road for “cigarettes”, and tell you that it didn’t matter where they came from.

NO.

If you want to stay sober; you have to actively try to stay sober when you want to drink. No matter what you have to do. There’s no Beer and Beer drive through ANYTHING. Make it hard for yourself to fuck up.

#grateful #DOTHEWORK #noncoddledtipstostaysober

Audio thoughts: Ask yourself the hard questions. Change your life.

I decided that it was time, to start sharing personal audio clips of the things I’ve asked myself, regarding change and life in general.

Sometimes I think people have pre-conceived notions of words on paper, and who I am.

It is much different to know a person in real life…and hear their spoken story or thought, as to read it.

I keep these thoughts on my devices; and I play them back when I feel the need to….

It helps me remember that I can be my own worst enemy….OR my own best friend.

I recorded this audio just this morning, after considering why it was worth it to change…and after a wonderful morning of healing that needed to happen for me and my journey forward to happiness.

I don’t know where this will lead; or how it will be taken.

But people ask me sometimes how I got it together.

I started to look at who I was; and didn’t like what I saw. (audio link)

My answer: I don’t have it all together; because it’s a journey to a higher place I’m not at yet; but I actively participate in my healing and success now. Asking myself relevant things. Looking inward, instead of out. Living every day to change my life in ways it needs to be changed. Changing it, one step at a time, day by day.

That’s all I can do for myself, and the people I love in this world. They deserve the best version of me, at all times.

So do I.

Asking yourself the hard questions of life, and answering them genuinely is the first step to changing.

I am 10 months, 1 day sober.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

To be Present. My Visit with my Children in Michigan.

I was very anxious and also nervous to see my kids this last Saturday. When I saw them… all that left me.

I became elated.

Sitting there with them in those first moments; when I actually was faced with the realization of just how much I had missed out on these last years without them; I automatically began to feel so small and unworthy of their love; also ashamed of myself. There are no words for it…

I know that feeling will take time to go away; and I had to push it aside and focus…but it’s still there. As it should be, maybe…I don’t know. I struggle with it.

My kids are as beautiful and amazing as I remember. It was the very best thing to see them. I needed to be present; to talk with them and hug them. I needed to make that effort to show I could be…and can be there, when I say I will be. In the past I have made promises that I could not keep. That is over now.

 I know it was just one visit, and that I have a long way to go. I know that things are not the same anymore, and that none of us can get the time back ….but it is a start of better things to come…I am sure of it. Also a huge goal for myself that I have met…a first step of being there for them. 

My kids and I spent time together; and we laughed 🙂 I got to give them their gifts from the holidays; it was nice to see them open them in person. We bowled, ate and played video games, and laughed some more. 

It was a good time.

If I’m being totally honest, then it makes sense to tell you this as well. It was awkward for me at points, because I tend to over think things a lot; and I think for me, that was really the reason for that feeling. I want to be positive around my children you see; and always if I can manage the very highest percentage of that. I try to put myself in my kids minds sometimes…but I know that it’s not smart to do so much…because my guilt comes again…and it makes it hard to focus on the moment. Also not going to help me be Jenni today. 

I guess it’s to be expected for a while…that I’d do that, though. Guilt can kill you, but it’s way worse when it’s guilt about your present.  I don’t have guilt at all about my present self. I am grateful for the fact that I can feel again. I wish I could stop the feelings of the past that pop up though; quicker; until it goes away for good, because it sucks to replay in your head. Maybe that is selfish, but I can’t be positive when I feel like I’m shit. It’s unhealthy to dwell on the negative past too; because it cannot be changed. I tell myself that.

Geez….what am I going to do with you Jenni.

………………………………………………………

It’s strange to see my children growing so fast; and it is hard to get the memories of when they were younger into proper focus sometimes. That was then; and this is indeed now. They are both so kind and smart; beautiful and handsome;  both amazing kids, growing into amazing bigger ones. 🙂 

It was really a sight for sore eyes, and very comforting to me…despite my fleeting thoughts of guilt.

I have made a promise to myself, to make sure I never let them down again. I cannot. That is a solid commitment that I can only fulfill with my actions, and by remaining sober…and I will;  doing it day by day….like today; I will make that choice to live

I’m dying if I drink again….I don’t want to drink…. It ruins everything, every time. That is a fact for me, and you can definitely agree, based on my BS track record.

I don’t know, but…..

I feel as if my entire life came to a head when I had to say goodbye. I tried not to cry, but I couldn’t help it. 

I hope they will forgive me for that….sometimes it just comes out.

In the future, I will either be moving back to Michigan, or somewhere way closer to Michigan.  I want and need to be there for my kids in whatever capacity I can, and that they want or need me to be. I do not know what that will be; but I will be there for them regardless, and none the less…by being able to physically see them more, if that is something the future holds.

I owe them that. I want to be there. I wasn’t…but I can be now.

Although I do think it was a good thing that I left Michigan; I don’t think the way I did it, or the circumstances surrounding my move; did anything but cause a huge rift, that is not repairable.

I hope that new, good memories, and my solid commitment to be well; can replace the bad ones, until they sink to the bottom and get lost.

My kids will always be my kids; and I hope now that they see me well, they will start to realize that I am different than when I was sick, and want to know me again. 

That’s my hope.

I’m just going to continue to call them, and decide about what would be best with everything else, as it comes. I’m trying not to be overly dramatic about everything, because I know that it’ll just make things more confusing for everyone. 

It is a very emotional time for me right now though.

I appreciate my ex for being so respectful towards me; and for him and his wife allowing me the opportunity to see my children; because they didn’t have to. 

I know it’s because I am backing up my words with actual positive actions now…and also that that’s the way it SHOULD have been all along. 

People CAN change for the better, if they really want to.

 I thank you both for giving me a chance to prove it to my kids… because it means more than I can tell you.

My kids are happy and thriving, and I count my blessings every day to know this. 

This is the first chapter in a road of twists and turns with them I’m sure…but I can’t say enough how much seeing them, made me know that I’m on the right path in my life. I knew that before; but it was re-affirming.  I know it’s not going to always be easy; but I am moving forward. 

I owe it to my kids (all 4), to continue. I owe it to myself. I owe it to my family. I owe it to my true friends, and anybody that ever looked up to me. 

I am 9 months and 16 days sober; and every day that I am alive is a gift, and a chance to make a positive difference in the world. 

I know this; and I finally feel like it’s all possible. It’s nothing without my children, and it’s nothing without my sobriety and the truth of life.

This I know for sure. 

Whatever happens from here on out, is directly hooked into these three things.  My direct efforts are going into them…because to me, it’s the only thing that matters to me at this point.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME