I haven’t felt like blogging or writing at all lately.
I guess mostly I don’t really see the point.
Feels like groundhog day, every day. Pretty much just going through the motions of life.
Working on goals that still seem unattainable right now for me; but working on the things I can to get there, none the less.
At the present time, I am frustrated in general. I am trying to be positive, but do not feel positive.
Still waiting for an EMDR appointment.
I am one year, four months, and nineteen days sober. Lately, I have had fleeting thoughts of drinking that should not be there. It is usually when I am feeling very emotional; and as I said it’s fleeting..because I already know the outcome.
It’s the fact that my brain does this to me, that makes me feel betrayed. Like, if I can’t even trust my own brain to not sabotage me when I’m feeling vulnerable, then who can I trust?
I have not drunk. I do not want to drink. I know that is what really counts.
Even though I know that these feelings are just feelings; just because my brain thought about it, I feel horrible.
Will I ever be able to say that I am actually free of this curse that I have carried for so long?
The answer is NO. I will never be free of it. Alcoholism and my addictive nature will always be something I am going to have to fight.
I wish that I could always feel strong inside instead.
I feel depressed when I feel like my brain is going backwards, because I don’t want to think about relapsing at all.
I do think that admitting it out loud that I am not always strong; is what is keeping me moving forward, and staying sober though.
My life was SO sad when I was drinking. I was a literal train wreck. I never want to go back there, ever.
The desperation I felt in active addiction made me want to die every day, and that’s NOT living.
I remember. Everyone does.
Today I can be proud of myself for holding steady, and staying focused on solutions, despite my stinking thinking and depression from it; and I know this.
I can be proud of myself for playing the entire record through and choosing not to drink, in those times that my brain said “Hey come on Jenni, remember the “good times”.
What good times?
There were never any truly good times while drinking; and there’s power for me, in knowing that.
It was all just a mask I wore to hide my pain. All of it. Masks.
It mostly consisted of drinking by myself, or with people who didn’t care about what happened to me at all.
I think of my children, my family, and all of my friends that have stood by me when I was so sick, and up until now… this day, still support my journey.
I know that this is just part of recovery process and that the unhealthy part of my brain is trying to escape out that locked door again up there. I’m not sorry to say that I don’t have time for that shit.
I know that life is what you make of it, and my sobriety is just the same.
I know I have to keep going forward if I want to get anywhere at all.
Even if I don’t know where that forward is leading me.
I know it’s surely not leading me back to my doom.
I won’t do that to ME, because my life means more to me than any drink ever could…
And so I will keep fighting it.
That’s all for today friends.
J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME