FU stinking thinking.

I haven’t felt like blogging or writing at all lately.

I guess mostly I don’t really see the point.

Feels like groundhog day, every day. Pretty much just going through the motions of life.

Working on goals that still seem unattainable right now for me; but working on the things I can to get there, none the less.

At the present time, I am frustrated in general. I am trying to be positive, but do not feel positive.

Still waiting for an EMDR appointment.

I am one year, four months, and nineteen days sober. Lately, I have had fleeting thoughts of drinking that should not be there. It is usually when I am feeling very emotional; and as I said it’s fleeting..because I already know the outcome.

It’s the fact that my brain does this to me, that makes me feel betrayed. Like, if I can’t even trust my own brain to not sabotage me when I’m feeling vulnerable, then who can I trust?

I have not drunk. I do not want to drink. I know that is what really counts.

Even though I know that these feelings are just feelings; just because my brain thought about it, I feel horrible.

Will I ever be able to say that I am actually free of this curse that I have carried for so long?

The answer is NO. I will never be free of it. Alcoholism and my addictive nature will always be something I am going to have to fight.

I wish that I could always feel strong inside instead.

I feel depressed when I feel like my brain is going backwards, because I don’t want to think about relapsing at all.

I do think that admitting it out loud that I am not always strong; is what is keeping me moving forward, and staying sober though.

My life was SO sad when I was drinking. I was a literal train wreck. I never want to go back there, ever.

The desperation I felt in active addiction made me want to die every day, and that’s NOT living.

I remember. Everyone does.

Today I can be proud of myself for holding steady, and staying focused on solutions, despite my stinking thinking and depression from it; and I know this.

I can be proud of myself for playing the entire record through and choosing not to drink, in those times that my brain said “Hey come on Jenni, remember the “good times”.

What good times?

There were never any truly good times while drinking; and there’s power for me, in knowing that.

It was all just a mask I wore to hide my pain. All of it. Masks.

It mostly consisted of drinking by myself, or with people who didn’t care about what happened to me at all.

I think of my children, my family, and all of my friends that have stood by me when I was so sick, and up until now… this day, still support my journey.

I know that this is just part of recovery process and that the unhealthy part of my brain is trying to escape out that locked door again up there. I’m not sorry to say that I don’t have time for that shit.

I know that life is what you make of it, and my sobriety is just the same.

I know I have to keep going forward if I want to get anywhere at all.

Even if I don’t know where that forward is leading me.

I know it’s surely not leading me back to my doom.

I won’t do that to ME, because my life means more to me than any drink ever could…

And so I will keep fighting it.

That’s all for today friends.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Free Writing (off synthetic meds for two weeks now)(they never said it had to make sense to anyone but me…)

Almost every time I feel negative and depressed… I feel ashamed as well to talk or write about it. I very often delete or hide my writings/feelings, because I want to be a positive influence on the world and the people around me. Also because I want to be productive. I have made some big choices to try a more natural route for my Bipolar/PTSD/Depression…

I’m tired of having synthetic meds daily,  because they are causing other health issues for me. I’m tired of the stigma that says you have to take them to be well. I am no longer willing to be on meds that don’t even work, and cause even more health problems for me. NO. I have been off them for two weeks now, and so far it’s been rough…but better in that I don’t have the side effects I was having. I am actively trying to better my health, so I can reach the goals I have to reach OFF of daily synthetics. 

This is how I feel today….

Being a negative, depressed person for me is draining and not fun; also hard on everyone else…among many other things. It makes me feel weak as a person, even though I know that’s not true at all.

I struggle with life. “Failure to thrive.” I am in all sorts a rapid cycler Bipolar person with Bipolar Depression and a plethora of things that I’ve shit-stormed my way through that have qualified me for PTSD long before they ever diagnosed me with it. I know this.

What sucks most about it for me is, admitting that I’m having issues to the people I love.  I feel like I suck the life out of them. Another reason I try not to talk too much about how crummy I sometimes feel in real life. I know it still slips through. I can see it in the eyes of loved ones when they know without me saying anything.

But I STILL feel better off the synthetics.

When I’m feeling depressed/negative, I also hate the world around me, and the way the world is, and some people around me too that I have to deal with in life; I really do. And I don’t care.

Maybe I’m going to Hell if there is one.

When I am negative and depressed, I hate myself, and am always unhappy with the fact that I never seem to get very far (according to me), without some sort of mental lapse or issue arising, no matter how hard I try. Latest being school. I focus in on the fact that I’m feeling worthless and did not meet my goal, compare the space where I’m at and the space I think I should be at, and for some moments the negative takes over me. Sometimes days. I go into myself. It sets me back. Makes me think bad things about everything in life and myself… “I’m a Fuck up. Pisses me off I can’t make my shit work…why do I care …what’s wrong with me?”

You get the idea.

Enter symptoms of disorders.

I hate that I am sensitive and sometimes needy. I hate that I mostly feel like a little 6 yr old girl, in a 45 big girl body after all I’ve been through.

I hate that I feel like I try really really hard to move forward, and I just can’t get it done.

Sometimes I wonder what it will take for me to believe that I am worth happiness, and if I’ll ever truly have my life together.

I AM trying every day to find a way to my personal Zen, so I can finally be free of my demons for good and just fucking let it go already. Everything. Just let it go.

The thing about Depression, Bi Polar, PTSD, that I have personally found for myself is that all the negative thoughts and symptoms seem to meld together, and seep in at the most inopportune times. (As if there is a good time for negative, depressing thoughts and symptoms of disorders…pff, but mainly when I am stressed or feeling overwhelmed.)(A lot than not)(I do)

Everything runs together and I can’t take it.

It doesn’t take much time for me to pile up a plethora of BS in my head. This is why they call it a mental disorder. This is why I TRY to be positive.

I have come to the conclusion that I can control the thoughts, if only I do not let them control me.

That I do know.

The thing is, sometimes the negativity still comes.

It’s like I forget everything I’ve learned and have to start all over again, everytime.

I feel like I have some sort of cancer in my mind, and no matter what I do, I can’t get rid of it and it won’t stop destroying my life and everything that I am and want.

It’s a restless hopelessness. It’s a shame, and self-hatred. It’s the wishing you could buy into a “deluxe coma for a month” life option, because I’m sick of this ride.

I’m sick of it.

I’m writing about it… and I talked to my support system too. Because in doing it I am saving my own life. Nothing more. I am ready to get on with life again.

Today I am pulling myself out of this hole again, and cutting out some more negativity I think I have in my life that needs to be out.
I am doing little things for myself such as exercise, drinking more water, getting fresh air and loving myself enough to know that I CAN choose to be happy. And keep trying because I can do better. I’m also blogging This blog.

This life is not easy for me, but I know I could have it so much worse and that it is up to me to save myself.

I am grateful I have some people in my life to help me when I feel like giving up.

I actually feel glad that I got it out in words and that I know that today is today, and today is what I choose to make of it. 

I don’t know what I just wrote, but I feel better. And maybe someone out there will get it.  

Love Yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME


Dark

It clouds my eyes as it comes over me.

Peels away at my overwhelming desire and need to be whole.

Finds all my weak spots and settles in.

Like an incessant cancer, it hides but is always there; waiting to suck more life out of me. Waiting to take me back down to the place where I  felt dead-alive.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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June 27, 2016

Even though you are scared shitless and don’t think anything is going to be O.K. at all right now; IT’S GOING TO BE O.K.; O.K.?!  Just believe it and make it so. You are a strong person and you can do anything you set your mind to.

You can do it. You have been through, and survived, worse things than this.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds 2016~Peaces of me

Uuuuuhh

Grief is a bitch. People expect you to just get over things and be normal, and it just doesn’t work like that.

You have up and down days. It doesnt take much to trigger me, which is why I have a disorder.

Today I am having a bad day, and I feel weak, and really I just want to feel normal.

I wish I could get over my anger.
I’m angry because it’s painful.

Every time I think I’ve made some sort of progress, I realize I haven’t and I go right back to feeling angry again.

I just want something to make sense. All I can see is the last look he gave me.

FML.

On days like this it is hard to love myself. I am trying.

It is raining, and I’m sober.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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YOU

I feel lost without you.

I know it is a sickness in me that I must work to cure.

Every day.

There is a part of my soul that is gone now.

I cry for you.

I long for you until my tears blind my vision and I have to shut my eyes.

I feel you in my heart and always will.

I know you’re not coming back to me.

Sometimes I wonder if you were ever really there to begin with.

I still see you in my dreams and we are together again.

My heart is broken and cannot be fixed.

If there is such a place as another world, I hope to see you there.

Dream of me.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

Day 6

I think one of the biggest disservices I do to myself, is putting too high of expectations on the people close to me, as well as myself.

I set myself up for disappointment every time. Especially when I should know better by now.

When certain individuals let me down I feel hurt; and if it continues to happen, I harbor resentment and have a hard time letting it go.

I do the same to myself when I let myself down, or others.

I guess I expect a certain level of loyalty and I like to give the same. It’s safe to say that I need to stop expecting this.

Depending on others to do what they say is never a good idea. In fact, I do much better when I detach and focus on just me. Maybe selfish; but beats feeling alone when you are around or with someone. The lack of love I feel from certain individuals is bringing me down tremendously.

It should be there; and it is not. I’m tired of worrying about it and wondering what’s wrong with me.

At least if I let myself down, the only person I have to be mad at is me.

Karter’s D day was this month and I relapsed; after 2 months 22 days. It was a bad, bad night for me and I couldn’t see the light any further. I ended up blabbering to a random acquaintance all my BS.  Because I’m an idiot, and my own worst enemy.

I’ve been sober since, but that’s not the point at all. This whole month has been a dreadful, lonely shit storm.

My PTSD is flaring up and it won’t subside. I went to the psychiatrist today and told him; and all he did was put me on more minipress and tell me that I have to wait a full three months for the Latuda to fully build up in my system; tried to up my Trileptal, which I didn’t want. Fuck these synthetic meds.

I know this will pass, but the lack of being able to share the struggle with anyone whom I love is just making it worse. I guess I’m just too needy; and I wonder if I will always be sick.

OR maybe I just might be human. I don’t know.

Today is day 6 and FML. I’m going to bed.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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An amulet she wears around her neck to guard her from the darkness of her soul.

The notion that she could be good in this life is a choice that she makes; for it is far easier to fall away and let the numbness take over and to live in untruths and non realities.

She walks the line of expectations she makes for herself so she can be happy and walk in the light of true consciousness.

She feels weak; but she is strong.

She feels empty; but he is on her shoulder.

She feels lost; but she is finding her way.

She reaches for the amulet around her neck; breaths in and then exhales.

It is still there; And so is she.

J. Rounds ©2014 ~Peaces of Me

~HELLO~

:/

Sometimes I’m weak. I hate it.

On particularly hard nights when I am scared and feeling quite vulnerable; such as tonight; I am all but pounded in the face with the realization that there is no one to hold me, or tell me that things will be ok.

I miss that.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

May 20, 2015

I don’t handle emotional pain well. I do stupid stuff and tell myself stupid things. Today I am struggling to love myself. I know there is a reason for me to be in this world. I hope I can get through all of these things that are weighing me down in my head, because I need to find it.

I am becoming more and more anti-social by the day because I’m afraid of being hurt and I’m suffering. I can’t remember a time ever in my life that I felt like things made sense.

I hate this part of me so much. I’m just trying to keep it together for right now, and not complain too much.

I had to change therapists because Angel was done with her residency there. AGAIN I have to start over with someone new and I don’t get to see her until the 27th.

I’m trying really hard to remain positive because if I don’t I am going to be worse. I’m only writing this because I can’t keep the thoughts in my head anymore.

Stay positive and don’t give up! You are worth being in this world; even if you feel like the whole world is against you, and you’re a complete zero.

It’s not true. Try harder Jen. You’re O.K.

J Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of me

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