I Remember You.

Today marks 10 years to the day that my 3 1/2 year-old son passed tragically in the hospital; while we were there for routine tests that ended up leading to complications from a radical surgery he had had the year before, to save his life. It was a sudden thing that none of us were prepared for at all, and ultimately it unfortunately led to his passing on this day, at 12:11 pm, 2008.

It IS the single most traumatic thing that I have ever experienced in my life. I went crazy because of it, and I had to fight my way back for a long time.

Everyone that new Karter, new what a light he was in this world. Strong. Resilient. A beautiful spirit.

We miss him every day.

I’ve come to the conclusion that some angels are only here for a little while; to show us things we need to know for the future and to give us the strength to get there.
I do not know if I will see Karter again, but I’d like to think so. He comes to me in my dreams. I know for sure he is better now, and that fact brings me peace.

Today I am keeping to myself. I’m thinking of my children, my sisters, my mother, my ex husband, and my family members that love him.

We were blessed to be in his life, and surely that he graced ours.

Rest in peace Karter Law Rounds; May 3rd, 2005- October 3rd, 2008.

I know you are, and that you show me the way to the light every day.

Sometimes things that are hardest to bear, ultimately end up making you so much stronger inside, and actually help you find a reason to keep going. Xo.

Love yourself.

I Remember You ❤

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Re-reading Past Writings

Something I decided to share because I’m healing.  I’ve been going over a lot of my writings from past years. So much dark and hurt and heavy. It’s hard to read. I believe if I didn’t have my writing I would have slit my throat, overdosed, or hung myself. I know I would have. Grief can kill you if you don’t get a handle on it. For me, that’s what I had to do. I still have bad times of course, but mostly life is slowly starting to even out. Opting out is no longer an option for me; and I’m able to recover more quickly from my “moments”. (Usually) Medication helps.

Sometimes you come across certain things, that I believe you’re supposed to see for a reason. I have battled with myself and my faith since I learned what “God” was, or what they said he was supposed to be.

This is one of my many letters to “God”.

Not sure what it means that I saw this. Perhaps nothing at all. Perhaps it’s to remind me of how far I’ve come…or where I need to go.

I’m not really sure how it works.

??
What about me?
What about how I hurt inside?

Isn’t it enough to know I struggle everyday? Isn’t THAT enough for you???

What about my feelings? My weaknesses? My triggers? My little boy, burned up and sitting in a box, on a shelf, that YOU took away?

Doesn’t it matter that I want to be well and become better and forget?

Doesn’t any of it matter at all?

It matters to me.

And I don’t even know what this life means anymore.

You abandoned me when I needed you the most.

I don’t believe you exist or ever did.      (2010)

I think it is a very normal feeling to struggle with your faith after you’ve been through something that will forever change you and leaves a massive void.

I’m not going to go on about “God”, or lack there of. I think religion is a personal journey; much like life.

This just made me remember and cry. I remember those times. It was still fresh, and the feelings bit at me every waking moment.

It has been a very long, very hard 8 years. I still ask all of those questions on a bad day.

I needed to see this. I needed to remember; and I needed to share it. That that was then, and this is NOW.

Now is so much better. I also know the answers to most of those questions too.

Believe in and love yourself. It lies within you. The rest follows.

I am grateful for my life.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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I remember the smell of your hair those last days.

And the cream on your face and the way the man at the funeral home apologized, but said that it was needed to keep your skin soft, and we would have to see past that.

I never thought I’d have to say goodbye to you so soon. It seems so unbelievably unfair after all you’ve fought through.

What kind of God is there, and where is he at now? Nowhere around me, do I feel him at all. How am I supposed to bare this?

As if the fact that your hair still smells like carnations could ever make up for it at all.

J.Rounds (c)2008 ~Peaces of Me

About my PTSD

Deep rooted trauma has screwed me up.
It replays like a record and  sometimes takes up much of my day, even week; consuming all thoughts and sucking up any motivation I may have had to get anything done.

For me, from what I’ve been able to understand through the healing process, it is something that really will never go away; but I can manage it to the point where it no longer becomes a primary focus in my life.

I am no Dr. Firstly.

But I have been coping for some time now with multiple hard traumas; to the point that I had to make some hard decisions and try to start actively trying to get better, or I was going to lose anything Jenny I ever knew and that ever was me.

One of the biggest things I did, was to acknowledge that I could not change my past. It sounds so cliche` and obvious to most when you say that I know. The past is the past… it’s of course, obvious.

For someone like me who struggles with PTSD, it’s something I have to consciously tell myself; daily.

Sometimes we want so badly to change past events; that we punish ourselves in the process because we think replaying it will produce a different outcome; or perhaps a different way of making sense of what happened.  There’s always that one thing we could have done differently to change what the outcome ultimately was; even though it was already pretermined and it was going to go down the same way, no matter what. Some things you just cannot change, no matter what. I do know that now.

Regarding my son; he is gone and I can’t change that fact. I did everything I possibly could have done to save him. I did everything I possibly could have done.

I don’t know where Karter is; but I do know he’s not suffering anymore; and there’s nothing I could have done differenty to save him. I tried with everything that was me.

I still replay his last day and death in my head, every day; but I know now there’s nothing I could have done. The things I tell myself about it that make me think otherwise…aren’t true.

That realization in itself I think is one of the biggest break throughs I have made, in the past eight years.

For a while there, I was literally driving myself crazy playing that record.

That record finally got a huge scratch in it;  so I put it in it’s sleeve and put it in a special place where I can see it when I need to.

I still look at it too often; I can’t help it; but I’m trying to play other records now.

There’s other music to play.

J.Rounds (c) 2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Reflections

I have a great deal on my mind tonight.

I’ve been very upset about the recent events that have unfolded in France; yet completely humbled by it as well. I am very angry that these terrorists keep destroying and it seems to be getting worse and worse.  I am also glad my children are safe, as well as my family,  because I know it could very well be any one of us that is caught in the grips of something we cannot control. I send my best thoughts and love to those who have been affected by this horrific event.

Tomorrow I have an ultrasound to see what’s wrong with me. If they find something not good, I will also get another biopsy.  I’ve been extremely tired lately and no amount of sleep seems to help. I am concerned for my health, but ready to face whatever it will be. I cannot control it.  I can only prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

School has been very time-consuming for me these past weeks but I am holding my own. I’ve decided to just put as much effort as I can into my work, give myself a little bit of a break, and be happy with that.  Pretty much the only thing I can do.

I can’t really complain about my life.  Although I don’t really have much in terms of material possesions; I have my life, I’m rich in moral support,  and I have the chance to try again tomorrow to achieve my goals.

Some don’t have that.

Today is day 37. I am still sober.

Tomorrow is another day.

Count your blessings and love yourself. You are worth it
J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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