Uuuuuhh

Grief is a bitch. People expect you to just get over things and be normal, and it just doesn’t work like that.

You have up and down days. It doesnt take much to trigger me, which is why I have a disorder.

Today I am having a bad day, and I feel weak, and really I just want to feel normal.

I wish I could get over my anger.
I’m angry because it’s painful.

Every time I think I’ve made some sort of progress, I realize I haven’t and I go right back to feeling angry again.

I just want something to make sense. All I can see is the last look he gave me.

FML.

On days like this it is hard to love myself. I am trying.

It is raining, and I’m sober.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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School

So I’ve been doing fairly well in school so far.  There are some things I would like to start doing; like giving myself some extra time to do certain kinds of assignments, like submissions; so I decided that’s something I’ll start doing because it’s smart.

grades 2I’m pulling over a 4. because I attended a webinar and for my time they gave us extra credit.  (lol)  I managed to get some other credits to transfer over from previous college classes, so my next class will be an actual photography class, which I’m stoked about.

I don’t know.  School and my sobriety seems to be the only two things I can control right now.  It is what it is.  Everything else is a “deal with it as it comes because its all I can do” thing; And I’ll do just that.

This next submission will be especially hard for me regarding the topic.  This is the image I chose as a three-part submission.

123                             Tomoko Uemura in Her Bath, Minamata, 1972, W. Eugene Smith

I have to dissect it, and write about the meaning of the artwork based solely on it’s subject matter, style, and its visual construction (art elements, design principles, compositional strategies). (per assignment instructions)

Anyone that knows me knows why it will be hard for me.  I think this is one of the most beautiful images I have ever seen.  Although it will be cathartic, I am looking forward to it, I guess, in a weird way. My first part is in, so we will see what my Professors notes say.

Anyways today is day 13. For some reason I think I’ve been off a day for a day or two, but none the less it’s 13! 🙂

It is 2:07 am, and I hope today will be decent when I wake.  I’m not taking any shit from anyone, I know what I want, and I’m excited about my future.  Could be worse.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

Day 6

I think one of the biggest disservices I do to myself, is putting too high of expectations on the people close to me, as well as myself.

I set myself up for disappointment every time. Especially when I should know better by now.

When certain individuals let me down I feel hurt; and if it continues to happen, I harbor resentment and have a hard time letting it go.

I do the same to myself when I let myself down, or others.

I guess I expect a certain level of loyalty and I like to give the same. It’s safe to say that I need to stop expecting this.

Depending on others to do what they say is never a good idea. In fact, I do much better when I detach and focus on just me. Maybe selfish; but beats feeling alone when you are around or with someone. The lack of love I feel from certain individuals is bringing me down tremendously.

It should be there; and it is not. I’m tired of worrying about it and wondering what’s wrong with me.

At least if I let myself down, the only person I have to be mad at is me.

Karter’s D day was this month and I relapsed; after 2 months 22 days. It was a bad, bad night for me and I couldn’t see the light any further. I ended up blabbering to a random acquaintance all my BS.  Because I’m an idiot, and my own worst enemy.

I’ve been sober since, but that’s not the point at all. This whole month has been a dreadful, lonely shit storm.

My PTSD is flaring up and it won’t subside. I went to the psychiatrist today and told him; and all he did was put me on more minipress and tell me that I have to wait a full three months for the Latuda to fully build up in my system; tried to up my Trileptal, which I didn’t want. Fuck these synthetic meds.

I know this will pass, but the lack of being able to share the struggle with anyone whom I love is just making it worse. I guess I’m just too needy; and I wonder if I will always be sick.

OR maybe I just might be human. I don’t know.

Today is day 6 and FML. I’m going to bed.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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70

Blah.

I don’t like wasting my time on things that don’t lead anywhere, but that always seems to be the case.  My tolerance is getting less and less on a daily basis for dealing with these kinds of things, because I know it never leads me anywhere productive. It’s a good thing I realize this; I know. It makes life much easier; but doesn’t make it hurt any less. I just keep trying every day because it’s all I can do.

Lately I decided to start back to school; and I’m glad that’s actually one goal I can work on that will take me somewhere in my future that’s positive.  It’s going well.

The only person I can depend on in the end is myself; and I regret wasting so much time on looking for everything and everyone else to make me whole inside. I can’t not regret this, even though I’ve tried.  I’m confident in the end that all the pieces will fall in line, and I’m actually quite sure that that is also a good thing.

Today was just a really shitty day for me and I’m sure I’ll feel much better tomorrow.

I’m tired; and I am sober. Today is day 70.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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