I got to thinking again the other day as I was in the sun and quiet in my head. (Yes, it does happen.)
I already know the reason I’ve lived my life in a circle (of sorts). It is because I let the same things happen in my life and I don’t change anything about it.
I just expect it to change, by itself.
This has not been the case on some things in my life. I have worked very, very hard to pick myself back up, after a long hard road with trauma, grief, addictions, and self-sabotage. I’m proud of that. Still work on the daily.
BUT, It is the case for every other time that I was in a situation where I didn’t stand up for myself or my beliefs when something bad was happening and I was in the middle of it.
That is also self-sabotage. I am really creating trauma for myself.
To do nothing. To say nothing. To let it go; but secretly harbor it because I did, or said, nothing.
I know it is self-sabotage for me when I finally figure out that something keeps happening to me in different ways, and it keeps hurting me mentally or physically.
Most times, when I wasn’t expecting it or believed it would be different.
There is no change, without effort.
This I already know.
Here I am reminding myself again, to remind others too.
My life has been complicated for a bit now, and I’m really looking forward to making my life a more peaceful place, moving forward.
There are many things I’ve had to make hard choices on.
Hard choices teach the best lessons and I’m committed to breaking old cycles that keep me down and I don’t want to go through anymore.
I don’t want to make hard choices on the daily about my life anymore.
I’m landing if it kills me.
I know it’s the only way I can be healthy and teach my children to keep moving forward even if you don’t think you can; even if it is hard; you have to do the right thing.
I have to prove to myself that I can do the right thing, as well.
I can’t feel bad for trying every day to be a better human. Even if I’m flawed, even if I’m not perfect, I still try because I know for a fact that’s what living life is all about.
I’m not scared so much anymore about life like I used to be.
I’m not the old Jenni anymore and I’m grateful for it.
J. Rounds ©2020 ~Peaces of ME