A blog for me…Four months, twenty-nine days sober. 

First day that I have not woke up nauseous in a good while.

I’m grateful. 

I’m awake and motivated, and feeling rather confident.

I don’t feel manic or depressed.

It was a good morning.

I do know why. 

It’s because my anxiety is lower and I feel better in my head and heart about my relationship and life situation. 

I’m grateful.

I’m having needed discussions that are bringing me closer together with T, and filling up the empty spaces that I have inside too…because I get further understanding of him and of me as well.

I’m grateful for that, in all of it’s sticky facets.

Work is work, and that’s why they call it “work”.

It’s a scary feeling sometimes for me personally (I won’t lie); it’s part of my disease I think; 

but usually after you work at something consistantly, you are able to achieve something significant afterwards that matters to YOU.

Whether that be money, clarity, peace of mind, or whatever…something you need or want for your life.

It’s generally worth something in some way in the end, if you continue to work for it.

I guess I’m starting to feel like the steps will add up if I continue to build them for myself, and for T. Going up, suits us way better than going down, and that’s why I’m grateful my anxiety is down…and I feel better today. It allows me to focus on things I need to change in myself, and other things as well that are important to me; like my “career”. 

Whatever that is, or ends up being. Lol.

Every day is up and down naturally, but having needed discussions when we need to, puts a great deal of positivity back in me again.

I again today will actively try to be a better person by controlling what I choose to focus on, and not allowing negative thoughts to take over me.

I know that works for me. 

Learning about myself and how much I have things about me that I need to change was extremely overwhelming at first. 

REAL life, and my current state of mind these last months, has made me realize quickly, that I should embrace any challenge that I know will only make me a better, stronger person in the end…so I’m trying daily to do that; and today it’s just DO. 

I’m not trying today, I’m doing…

That’s why I’m glad I feel better.

Because I know if I can continue to be on the same level as T and work with him, the BS we go through, and will go through together will be manageable.

The shit we’ve been through will stay where it lies, dead and buried in the past, because that’s were it belongs and we can leave it there safely.

We can then focus on the things we need to do separately, to get “OUR” lives together; where we dream it should be; as a UNIT.

After the storm, comes the rainbow. 

I do feel a level of peace.

Thank God for herbal plants, and a man that truly loves me enough to fix himself from the inside out too; to make us healthier together.

I think that’s a true committment. 

I’m glad I am not afraid to admit my weaknesses, or to stand up for myself and my convictions.

I need to focus on listening more when I need to, and remembering always where I came from; and I know it.

I’m glad I’m working for my future today…and that I feel like I can, and it will mean something good to me in the end.

I’ll do what I have to, to make that feeling last, because I dig it fully. It suits me all day.

I am working towards staying strong as an individual, as well as being a better partner for the man I want to spend my life with, while still remaining myself (in better version like).

It IS indeed, a needed process.

It always starts with what I decide to focus on.

Today I am Seizing this day!

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Even Ground…and solidifying a foundation.

I feel as close to “normal” today, as I’ve probably ever felt since I’ve been in Ohio.

I’m gonna’ take that, Alllll day; thank you.

As you’ve maybe read; I had been riding the emotional wave lately, for a good bit… for many valid reasons.

When I decided to come here to Ohio, it was because I didn’t see the point of staying in PA, when I knew I wanted to be with T. There was nothing keeping me at all where I was.

What I didn’t really expect, is how hard it would actually be. The idea of a life together and the reality of living life together…has been…two totally different things. 

It has been major work, and lots of stress. SO many good times…but also lots of shit. A lot has happened in a rather short period of time. 

I left everything I had aquired, besides my personals and cats; I moved into T’s house; I detoxed from all my synthetic meds; we became sober, and still work to stay that way daily; a lot of things and people have been put where they belong because they aren’t healthy outlets to have around, and don’t care at all about our actual well-being; a lot of uncertainties about major things have come up…

There is more work to do; and I’m sure at points, more stress to come as well.

We both struggle with fear of failure, and lives that have been pretty messed up…addictions, bipolar, childhoods that have been traumatic, stupid shit we’ve done to ourselves and each other….yadda,yadda.

Yeah, in theory the thought was WAY easier than what the actual reality has been.

I realized last night, that the “honeymoon” is over; and after talking last night with T, I saw our relationship for what it was…

When I think about where I would be if I hadn’t of come here, I think it comes down to me living vs. not living. 

In PA, I wasn’t really living.

I was just finally falling into the fact that I would always be on the system in some way, and always on some form of synthetic medication to cope with myself. I was in therapy with a therapist that did absolutely nothing for me but keep me in meds., and push me towards taking more. Then she quit, and I had to face the option, of starting over again; and staying in the same useless cycle of “pseudo safe”. I began relapsing; more than I wanted to admit. I was having horrible side effects and health issues from the meds I was on, and I was scared for my physical health in the future. I was dealing with an abusive, online relationship that I could not seem to end.

I didn’t think I’d ever find it in me, to open up to anyone really; let alone a male; ever again. One day I just decided that if I ever wanted a relationship again, and the kind of relationship I wanted…I would simply have to.

I did prefer to be alone most times, but I didn’t want to be alone forever….because I knew I had love to give; and wanted to give it to someone special; I wanted to “live” like that again.

One day I posted something really depressing about myself on Facebook…

I have over 550 “friends”, and over 850 people following every single move I make on there…

T was the only one to message me, to see if I was alright, and if I wanted to talk. I needed someone, and he was the only one that cared enough to care; and that’s “T”, in a nutshell. 

I love him more than I could express.

We talked for hours and hours that night (I mostly talked, and he listened) and that was the beginning of “us”, and our friendship that grew into a life together. 

We have told each other the darkest parts of ourselves; and in doing so, over this past year and a half or so of knowing him; we’ve grown together in a way, that I know not either one of us expected.

At times I know it was a choice for both of us to stay in, and keep trying…because we both can be total assholes when we don’t actively try to control ourselves. We found that out quick, and we don’t go there anymore.

I am SO proud of him, and the both of us; for staying sober like we have. I know without each other, we wouldn’t have chose to do it. We care about each other too much, to let each other live in that demon-filled place in our heads anymore, and for that I will always be grateful. 

I know that he is there for me; and I know he knows I’m there for him too.

You can’t give something like that up, because it was more work than you’d thought it would be.

THIS IS LIFE….NOT FACEBOOK.

It’s a concious choice to keep growing together, and moving forward together at this point.

I don’t think it will end, and I don’t want it to.

I always wonder why things work the way they work, but I know that I wasn’t looking for anything at all…. and then T came into my life…and I came into his. 

We found each other when we were supposed to, I think.

I believe that true, open communication is the only thing that could ever keep a relationship strong and healthy.

So for as hard as it has been; we have always, always been able to communicate. Sometimes it can be tricky at first; but it always comes; and I’ve never been able to do that in a healthy way, in any other relationship that I’ve ever had. 

I always hid myself in some way, because I didn’t think anybody could ever truly care about me, as a person, like that. 

He makes me feel alive, and encourages me to just be who I am. Everybody else has tried to shove me in a box that I have no way of fitting, because I’m not made to be kept in boxes.

He’s not afraid of my strengths, and doesn’t judge my weaknesses, because he’s been there too; and we both have both in us.

He’s simply the best thing in my life…and pushes me to be better.

I feel better because I know that as long as we keep trying together and communicating, we’re going to keep growing together, and becoming better people together; and in ourselves as well. 

We push each other to become better people. I can’t see that being NOT worth it. 

It IS worth it.

To me, all of this, has been worth it. Like I said it just clicked for me last night; I was thinking about it in a totally  different way, than I should have  been. 

I decided to add up all the positives, instead of the negatives…and that’s made all the difference.

It’s just good to feel good again about “us”; because I was unsure about a lot of things, and now I’m not. I also always promised myself, that I would never let our relationship get, to the point where it could not be fixed. 

We were friends first, and he is my bestist…he means too much to me to lose him.

I’m pretty sure he feels the same.

I know, that I still have a lot of work to do on letting go of some things that bother me inside.  I also know that everything T and I have gone through in these last months…proves that we can indeed get through just about anything if we put our minds to it. 

WE HAVE. We WILL.

I need to do my part too.

I’m glad I started remembering that again.

There was a comment on my last blog, about how “love was “work”, but it was the best kind of work to do.” 

I agree. The feeling I get, every time I see this man smile, makes me want to always be there for him, with him,…and never let him down, ever. 

I am blessed to have him in my life, and without him I know it’d never be the kind of life, that I’d want it to be. 

Truth and Communication is everything; so is being happy  and healthy in the life you lead. 

Every day I am alive, I will fight for that; for my children; and for him. 

This I know for sure. It’s the only thing that matters to me now. 

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

 

Get a job Jen…

I woke up today and wasn’t really feeling it, but now I’m doing fairly alright.

4 months, 16 days sober.

It’s sometimes hard to forgive myself, when I’ve made such a mess of my life.  I realize that just because I’m doing the right thing now; doesn’t mean there’s not still repercussions of the past to have to deal with.

It’s not so enjoyable.

I’m fairly certain that it’ll be ok. It’s just that not all the puzzle pieces are there yet, and it’s literally like some kind of video game that I’m trying to manuver my way through legitly; without losing my life or sanity.

It sounds dramatic… but that’s how it feels.

Today I will go to the animal hotel next door, and see if they might be hiring. I’m good with animals, and I figure my situation is nothing that more money couldn’t help. I’ll also go to the Alzheimers senior care building…surely they need help with something. I can clean, cook well too. I don’t know.

How bad do I want to work for a life that is what I want it to be?

At this point, I’m done sitting back, and trying to do it my way exclusively.

I need a job, and that’s just what has to happen next.

Anybody wanna’ hire a weirdo with a good heart and an OCD brain? 😉

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I Could Really Handle Some Good News..

Waiting is the hardest part. 

Six months from now, I’d like to look back on this period of my life, and know that the effort put in, was worth it.

I can’t quit.

It never goes as smoothly as I want, but I keep having faith that this house application stuff is just part of the process.

I need to clean up my credit, and I hope to buy my own house in five years. It’s ridiculous how irresponsible I’ve been in all regards, and I could kick myself for being so stupid with my finances.

All I can do is wait now, and hope my good rental history, speaks for itself.

It’ll be nice to get away from this neighborhood, and make a new life with T, in a better location.

Right now T and I are saving money, staying sober, and waiting.

We are doing the right things.

Hopefully day 113 will end up in a positive light, and with good news.

That’s all in my world. 

Trying to live, while still dealing with the residual fallout of bad choice-making.

I’m trying to love myself in the process…

It’s a bit difficult for me today…considering.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

The Choice is Mine to Change How I Think.

I can choose to be the way I am; or become the person I was always meant to be…the BEST version of myself.

I am becoming this slowly but surely.

I can feel it a little more every day.

So many times in my life, I have chosen to meander through situations and surroundings that I’ve “FELT” I could do nothing about.

I have set myself up for failure, before I’ve even begun…so many times; to the point that I’ve already assumed it’ll go nowhere….and therefore I don’t/won’t even make the effort in the first place.

Blah, blah, blah………..

It’s different forms of negative thinking; I hate it; I suffer from it more than I would like to, or like to admit…to this day.

The choice is always mine to make, however. I can decide to look at a situation, literally anyway I want to.   

I’m remembering that; and somehow I’m learning what I need to feel whole inside too.

I am doing the only thing I know how to do at this point.

I’ve resolved to always be true to my soul, no matter what. I cannot be anything to anyone without first being real about who I am, and what I need to become. 

I cannot fake happiness or serenity; and I stopped trying to a long time ago. I’m staying true to my emotional needs because I want to stay sober, and I want solid relationships in my life; built on REAL things, and REAL life.

I wish it was easier.

It’s a fine balance to love and support someone else, who also struggles with “things”; and to mingle it with my own issues I have to deal with, from the “things”…as well.

I AM TRYING.

I’m trying to be the best woman I can all-around, and stay true to myself.  I really hope I can start seeing some kind of solid gain from this soon, because I need it.

I KNOW I have things I need to work on still as well.

The things that I’m not getting, is something that I’ll have to find within myself instead, for the meantime.

Some things need to change, but I’m not giving up.

I am 3 months, and fourteen days sober. 

My outlook is hopeful but cautious. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME