The Universe Speaks to Me When I Listen.

It is said that knowing is half the battle, and I agree fully.

There’s another part though that matters just as much, and it’s what you do after you know.

I knew for a long time that I needed help to come back to ME. I knew I couldn’t do it alone too. I thought about change for a long, long time; for years.

I thought for a while that if I had a “good enough” life to the outside world, that that would fix things for me.

I was wrong.

I looked for happiness in bad relationships, material things, and other people’s opinions of me; like that was going to make my insides full of what I didn’t have.

I was wrong.

It took a long time to look at myself, for the simple fact that you never want to think that it’s your fault. No one does. You never want to think that you may be responsible for some of the worst parts/times of your life.

It’s easier to blame it on other people or on unfortunate circumstances.

I did that.

There are different stages of waking up, so it took me an awfully long time to look inward and actually get to implementing the changes in my life that I had only thought about before.

I’m waking up. There are still changes I’d like to make in my life.

It’s a process that I really wouldn’t change for anything at this point.

I honestly struggle sometimes to make sense of things I don’t understand. I can get overly anxious and I have to pull away and be mindful and deal with those feelings. I have bad days, but they are not full days of bad like they used to be. They are moments now; Sometimes multiple moments strung together; but mainly just small moments like my mind is backfiring, and then I come back to center and start running right again.

It’s a weird way to describe it, but yeah….that’s what it feels like.

It’s hard, still; but it’s not the unbearable, my life is over, I can’t go on hard like it used to be for me.

I think it will continue to get better the more sober time I get and the more I keep living life on life’s terms.

I am free of synthetic meds and have been for as long as I’ve been sober.

I don’t know if that’s where faith comes in or not.

Lately, and for a bit now, I’ve just been giving it over to the universe and knowing that I’m going to be ok, and that I am ok because I’m doing the right things for myself.

I’m walking the walk finally, every day, and it feels good. I don’t feel like I have to prove myself to anyone.

That feeling that has been with me since childhood has left the building.

I don’t think people really get that because they are so used to the old way I used to be.

I have cut people out of my life for that. I don’t regret it either.

They say that people come in and out of your life at appropriate times to show us what we need, so that we can make better choices for our own lives.

I’ve been embracing this theory and it’s been helping me to be a kinder, more gentle in nature, more understanding person than I used to be even six months ago.

I think over the years of trying to suppress myself, I built up walls and some things that weren’t really true, became to feel true to me.

I had to get past those things. I had to really look inside myself and look at how I contributed to my own sickness and my own unhealthy cycles.

It’s really freeing to make amends with yourself, to own your mistakes, to stop letting your mistakes define you, to make better choices.

It’s nice to be able to just live today in my skin, no matter what the day brings, and not have expectations on what level I need to be at, to be good enough for anyone else but me.

Sometimes I have bad days. It’s gonna’ happen. It sucks, but I work it out because that is who I am now.

I know I am so lucky to be able to still have this life, and I think about that every, single, day.

I needed the struggles to see the good in me again. I needed to know in myself that I was strong enough to turn my life around and that I could do good things with my life.

I needed good people, healthy people, people that loved me; to help me.

For a while, those people kept me alive, and that’s not a dramatization. I could never put into words how grateful I am for those people, but I try to all the time because I am thankful, and I know that by myself I could not have done it.

Now, today, it’s like the more I push past the fear of not knowing, the more chances I take to change my old thinking patterns, the stronger I become.

I have so many positive people in my life that I don’t want to be around negative ones because that’s not my normal anymore.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; I am waking up.

I am 2 years, 4 months, and 23 days sober. I’m not looking backward anymore like backwards is my path.

It’s not.

My path is the one that I am forging today, and it’s not in that backward direction at all.

It’s a fact at this point, as well as a belief that I am on the right path.

This is MY path.

Putting genuine effort into being well, is an investment in yourself that will last a lifetime. Once you wake, you cannot go back to sleep.

This I know.

Thinking about change doesn’t change you either; only changing, changes you.

This I know for sure.

Believe that you can change the things in you that hold you down because you can. No matter what anyone else tells you.

The universe is with you.

Knowing is half of the battle. Look to the people who lift you up to show you the way.

The rest of it is up to you, and you alone.

You can do it.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2019 ~ Peaces of ME

I Am Not One of Them.

I’ve learned after decades of struggling with pretty much everything, that the things I hold onto in my head, are the things that I will focus on. Also, that I am in full control of myself and my actions. No one else. That’s the bottom line.

Get to living.

There’s never going to be a moment when I won’t be bipolar or in some sort of recovery. There’s never going to be a time when I will be able to fully accept some of the traumas and betrayals I’ve lived through in my life. THIS is what I’ve accepted and made peace with. That and knowing the fact that I DID live through it all. Somehow that realization made it easier to start letting some of the hurt, anger, confusion, hate, self-loathing and pain go.

My pain was like a comforter to me, for most of my life. It was a horrible side-effect from a lot of different things, and something I was used to, and knew well. My pain built thick walls that were riddled with doubt and fear, Hatred towards myself, and those around me.

It was not a comfort in the slightest. It was a liar. It didn’t keep me safe. It didn’t keep me from drinking. It didn’t keep me from getting hurt by other people, or from hurting other people.

It kept me from living. It kept me stuck.

For me personally it is hard to let go of some things, because I can’t even remember every part, and every single thing that has happened to me. I don’t know all of it, because there’s no way I could know everything. It’s been hidden from me. I do know enough though, to know that it’s there and will come back in different pieces, and I’ll know then…. or it won’t come at all. I might never get the answers to certain things. I might never get validation or closure from anything. THIS is what I accept and make peace with. Then it becomes easier to let it go.

Getting to the point where I was actually present in today, every day, took me a long, long, long, long time to actually implement.

Even though I knew exactly what to do.

Self-loathing is really detrimental to your life, and is a running bi-product of most mental health issues.

For me, I just reached the point where I couldn’t keep dragging myself through the mud every day anymore.

{You spin me right round baby, right round}

Like a record baby; a broken one.

ENOUGH. I was my own problem…..

I wish sometimes that I didn’t know how things actually are in the world because it’s too much for me to handle sometimes. TOO MUCH.

I then start to look at the other side of it and realize just how much internal strength there is knowing what I know. Learning what I’ve learned. Living through the things I lived through. Hard lessons or not, I am around to talk about it.

The pressures we put on ourselves are often tainted with underlying needs.

My underlying needs were to feel validated and loved and safe. Those were my underlying needs for most of my life, because I never felt it. In the past I have ruined any opportunity for those needs to be fulfilled, because I didn’t know how to feel it. I would do things to push people away from me.

It was because I never validated or felt love or felt safe in myself.

I was my own problem.

When I actually accepted that about myself a big weight was lifted.

I didn’t want to be that version of Jenni anymore, because I sucked the life out of everything and everyone, and it was miserable and exhausting every day.

That realization and the need to feel peaceful inside, set me on a path to building a life that was real; honest to myself and my beliefs, no matter what.

I am present in this day, and not in my past with my ghosts that kept me chained and locked away from HOPE.

Some people lie to themselves their entire lives and are totally fine with it.

I am not one of them.

I choose not to be.

I hope you will choose not to be too.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Hard love yourself into changing your negative Nancy ways… because she’s a bitch.

Every day that I chose to live in my own pain and addictions, I could not feel or see anybody else’s pain, or care about anyone else properly, because I was too busy feeling and living in my own negativity, and feeding off of it.

This didn’t work for me at all, when it came to being a good mother or wife or daughter or sister or aunt or cousin or niece or friend or Jenni; I was quite the opposite of a good anything; because I was zeroed in on the fact that my life sucked, and the negativity I chose to live in was consuming me, and everyone that chose to come around me.

FINALLY; as a desperate measure; I considered focusing my thoughts on what was going right in my life for a change, instead of what was going wrong. I was tired of being sick and tired and miserable. I was tired of raging and feeling like I wanted to beat the shit out of someone every, single day. I was tired of the drama in my life, the unneeded stress of it all…the BULLSHIT.

I wanted it to stop, so I advocated for my own life.

Honestly, on a lot of days at the beginning of my journey to self-wellness, it felt much like it did after my son passed, and those first few days afterward. I was hopeless.

It felt like the only thing I had going on for me was breathing, and putting one foot in front of the other. I couldn’t do one more thing other than that, and I didn’t want to. I didn’t even want to do that.

I won’t lie, sometimes I still have days like that. They are much fewer and far between now, but they are still there.

Mental health struggles are real, and often come in ebbs and flows for me.

It is in these times, that I challenge myself to look a little bit further and to be mindful of the fact that I need to change my attitude or it won’t be getting any better for me.

I am patient but firm with myself today because I know that not every day is going to be unicorns and rainbows, and I also know that I am what I focus on.

What are you focusing on? Does it improve the quality of your life? Will it matter at the end of this day, in a week, in a month, in a year?

If the answer is no, then let the focus of it go, because it is wasting your time right now.

These are the tools you can teach yourself to do, and you don’t need a formal anything to learn them. You only need the desire to change and to get real with yourself and your situation now, and how you want it to be for you in the future.

Yes, it takes mindful practice to be positive when you don’t feel it inside; but it gets easier to look up, the more you look up. If the desire is there, you can change anything about your life that you want to. Especially your thought processes.

Choose to think glass half-full, instead of half-empty. You can do it.

When you look for the good in things, you won’t have the time to focus on the bad things and that’s when things will start to change in your life. That’s when hope comes back. That’s when you start thinking about the things you can do to make your life better. You start realizing that it was all in you from the beginning. Every. Single. Part.

Healing is a choice you make to become more peaceful.

It’s not possible to negative Nancy your way into a good life, no matter how hard you try to. I’ve tried that shit forever, don’t waste your life on it.

Expecting others to fix your life and put up with your negative Nancy in the process doesn’t work either, trust me. It’s also not fair to expect someone else to save you or run your life.

That’s not living. That’s existing.

YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR OWN LIFE IF YOU WANT IT TO CHANGE.

This I know.

People ask me all the time, how I stopped drinking and trainwrecking my way through life, and this was the first thing I did.

I CHOSE to look at the positive side of life when I was not feeling positive. It’s because I wanted to feel better and live; not feel worse and die.

Only reason.

It’s impossible to make your life better if you don’t channel yourself away from the negativity in it. Your negative Nancy is a bitch, and she always will be. Get her out of your life. Shut her up by changing what you tell yourself, and what you focus on.

Most of the negativity in my life now comes from my own brain, not my actual life.

I had to do some major work to get to this point that I’m at now. There’s still work to do, and I do it every day now because I know that it’s a better way than the old way I lived. My negative Nancy is a passer-by now, not a resident.

For me, focusing on the positive, and learning to make peace with the fact that I am not a perfect person, motivated me to want to become a better person, and also gave me the love and validation I needed to give myself to move forward.

You still deserve your best life ever, no matter what anyone else says about it, and no matter where you are at in your life.

What do you say about your own life now? What do you want your future life to be like? Do you want to move forward, and stop worrying so much?

You can.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Long Story Long

~Long Story Long~

As told by Jenni, because I was here and lived this life.

Most people say that I am intense.

I’m good with that.

What you should know about changing your life for the better is that it will not be easy.

Because it’s not.

Doable? Totally.

Easy? NO.

You have to want to change. Not just say it. But mean it and then DO it.

If you really think I wouldn’t want to be able to drink “normally” with everyone else at wherever you’d be kidding yourself. It’d be easier to be “normal” in theory, right?

But here’s the thing.

I don’t fit the “normal” by a long shot.

I never have. I know this.

Especially with certain things.

I started drinking hard alcohol when I was 13 years old. It was a crutch that kept me sick for the majority of my life.

That’s why I don’t drink anymore. It’s also why I don’t like synthetic medications.

It kills me, and then I want to kill myself. That’s what it breaks down to for me.

I’ve had too many things lost to it. Things I never thought that I would lose. People….Time…money….jobs….parts of my soul…ALL LOST.

I want to live.

To be honest I’m sure your idea of “normal” and my idea of normal would probably differ on various accounts, and maybe drastically.

I’m good with that too.

Ok…it’s leading into something.

My point is, there will always be (in my life, in everyone’s life), the people that will say, “but she did this and she did that”. They will watch everything you do because they can’t. NOT. watch.

For different reasons, could be totally valid or not, they will judge you.

They will never respect you.

No matter what you do, who you help, how far you go in life.

It is not worth your effort to let these people take up any time in your head AT ALL.

If you want to make a genuine change you cannot think about these people’s opinions.

Especially in recovery.

People that cannot move forward with you, you have to leave behind.

In whatever form that looks like, for you personally.

They will catch up, or not. A lot of not.

You can’t worry about it.

Some people want to see you fail, not succeed.

It makes them feel better about themselves in some way.

You can’t be around people that don’t want to see you move forward in life.

That is toxic to your life.

It took me the better part of a lifetime to stop this cycle, and realize it for real.

To build better cycles, you have to build them yourself.

That means you have to actually build them.

Change is hard.

It gets easier too.

But you can only move forward with people that want to move forward with YOU.

Not everybody in life is going to like you.

It’s O.K.

You don’t like everyone, nor do I. It is the intent of a person that you always have to gauge and remember. Always.

I’m trying to be more kind. A better human. I like myself now. I like that I am me. It never used to be that way for me at all. For as long as I could remember.

I still have things that I struggle with inside. We all do.

Now, I personally think with my brain and then my heart.

I think it’s smart.

It used to be the reverse but I got burned WAY too many times to count. I burned myself mostly.

This is MY story.

Yours is YOURS.

You dig?

Love yourself. Even if it hurts sometimes. It gets easier and it is worth the effort.

It becomes a way of life you can live. You build support of people who are healthy for your life. It becomes easier to walk away from negativity.

You rewire your own thinking really.

Less anxiety about life, more living life instead of hating it.

I’m living this change.

I don’t know. But I do. I don’t have a Doctors degree, I have a life of lessons learned the hard way.

I am trying to be the friend I never had growing up.

For me. For you.

I’m good with that too.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Better Choices for a Better Life.

When I was all messed up and thinking that I was this or that, I was genuinely feeling like shit about my life every day and acting like nothing mattered, because I didn’t want it to… basically.

I masked my internal traumas with anything that would make me forget my life, and who and what I didn’t have in it.

Lots of alcohol, lots of pills, cocaine, speed, Men. Inappropriate sexual behavior that was highly damaging to my self-esteem. I even used food the wrong way. Anything to mask reality. I embarrassed and hurt my family and true friends, as well as myself. I put myself in dangerous situations that led to more negativity, abuse, and a road that was leading straight to my demise.

The whole point was to not feel; because I felt in my head, that I felt too much. I didn’t want to feel my pain. I felt as if it was better off for everyone, if I was not around. I killed myself and everyone around me slowly, and day-by-day.

To write my truths out loud is not easy for me. I do it because I know how lonely and helpless I felt, and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way, ever. I do it to keep myself moving forward; and to move forward for me, means making amends with my past.

I am doing just that now, on a daily basis.

I cringe a lot and shake my head, because I literally do not know the person I used to be, or really who she even was. It was me living and breathing, but I was a living-dead girl for sure, and I couldn’t tell you anything that would be closer to the truth.

Many already know my story, because they saw it unfold on social media and in real life as well.

By repeating the same unhealthy cycles, and then, in the end, trying to space out the unhealthy cycles so they didn’t seem so bad; well all I did was make my issues much worse.

It was for most of my life, the only kind of life that I felt I deserved. I nutured the broken parts of me with negativity and hate.

This is what addicts/ alcoholics are best at. Reasoning with toxic thoughts and situations that are not reasonable, realistic or healthy in the slightest. Pushing away anyone that disrupts their seeking and consumption of their drug of choice. Staying in denial until it becomes apparent that there is NO other option but to die, or to CHANGE.

I wanted to die for SO long.

For me, it was a culmination of past traumas, loss, regret, shame, and having negative influences and people in and around my life, who promoted the negativity I chose to live in, and the mental issues and negativity that naturally resided within me.

I say chose to live in, because at the end of the day, it WAS MY choice. Nobody kept me in the cycle, or forced me to continue it. Sure, there were people that made it worse for me; but I wasn’t making the right choices in life at all, and nobody twisted my arm to keep me drinking and train-wrecking through life but ME.

I did that.

That’s the reality of it. That’s my truth. That’s the thing that I didn’t want to see for so long, but always knew.

I wish I could relate to people, just how much admitting your truth to yourself can ultimately set you on a course to wellness.

I also know that you cannot reach an alcoholic/addict, until they want to be reached.

I started to change slowly; and what started out as baby steps, turned into a full-on march forward.

One thing I realized is that a lot of people didn’t want to see me change, because then they could no longer point the finger at me.

These are the people that are no longer in my life.

Change is hard, but fully possible depending on how honest you want to get with yourself. You know when you are lying to yourself.

With the help of the people in my life that never left me, and the desire to be the person I was meant to be; I found the strength inside me, to reach out for help, and start moving forward.

The choice was mine to make; noone else’s.

You ALWAYS have a choice to change for the better.

I chose to focus on living, instead of dying; and that has made ALL the difference.

It is not always easy, but that is how life goes sometimes. I can tell you that I feel much more calm inside, and much more hopeful about my future. I chose to break my own unhealthy cycles to save my life, because I know I was meant for more than self-sabotage, and a life cut short. So are you.

I hope that if you are tired of living in the same unhealthy cycles, repeating the same unhealthy cycles you are living in, you will take into consideration the choices you are making for your life, and make the choice to change, and make better ones.

I am one year, seven months, and sixteen days sober; and I started at day ONE.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Fifteen months sober. Through.

I’ve realized a lot of stuff about myself today.

Some things clicked that really needed to. That they do for me sometimes; and then I know what to do next.

My hands hurt; but my heart not so much anymore.

I’ve been grieving for a really long time, about a lot of things in my life.

And life is just too short to put people that don’t appreciate me; around me.

I’m not the kind of girl, who will just bend over and take it anymore.

Most are intimidated by the fight in me. Especially when they treat me poorly. That is why I try to be honest about who I am, straight away.

I’m educated. I’m smart. I do suck at Math. I know more about life than a great percentage; and most of the stuff I know of life; has bashed me over the head with nowhere to go but through. I’ve been through it.

I’m through.

When you have depleted every try you have in you over something. When you cannot see any positivity left in something. You must go THROUGH IT.

That includes removing yourself completely from the situation.

That is what I have done. Again.

Currently sitting in my own apartment; tired, and blogging this.

I have an MRI appointment in the morning, and a bed set being delivered before I go to work, in the late afternoon.

A money issue again. Who doesn’t have them; I know.

I’m also not surprised by the reason.

It’s hard to slow down. I was just staring at the moon and wondering why life is the way it is, earlier.

I had to make myself eat; but I am healthy; other than my stress level.

I’m strong. I have a good heart, and a ruthless streak for people that try to bring other people misery on purpose. Especially ME.

I can’t apologize for that.

When someone shows you proof that they have a diagnosed mental condition like PTSD. You should listen, and not think it’s a joke.

I’m done suffering uneedingly; with anything or anyone.

Why stay in that?

And if that means that I will have to struggle more than some in whatever way…well what’s new.

I’m over it.

I’m sober. I have remained that way; because I know it will kill me if I don’t.

The same goes for some people and my PTSD.

People that are spiteful for sport, will always lose with me. People that don’t try to become better people, will always stay miserable; and that’s not something I want for my life; or want to be around; or triggered by any further.

I’m not miserable when im around people who don’t go out of their way to trigger me, and play mind games.

People that do; will just have to listen to what I have to say, until they get the fact that I’m not having it.

OR; I cut them out of my life completely because they completely suck the life out of me, every time I see them.

Who needs it. I don’t.

I’m sober and alive and Jenni.

That’s good enough for ME. For real.

Next chapter please.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

~Disappear Here~

What Does it Have to Take?

Just heard that legally owned guns, were used in the Texas school shooting; so that whole argument is SHIT.

Kids killing other kids; to prove they are somebody.

Please get some mental health professional teams up in these schools; and change these kids way of thinking before we have a whole generation of kids that have lost people they love; before they are even able to process it properly; because they are KIDS.

That’s happening.

I have to care because I have kids in school. I have to care; because I don’t think it’s right to let these kinds of traumas be the norm for kids nowadays.

It’s not right that we look away and deny the issues.

There are TOO many kids that fall through the cracks of life. I know all about that.

Every child you help get through something that is hard for them to cope with in life; is a child that feels value.

When a child feels value, they can literally excel to any level.

It’s NOT Rocket Science. It’s a common sense approach to actually helping the world and the kids that will be running it in the future; and disrupting the unhealthy cycles of the world”s workings.

Change.

The fact that most schools do not have set teams of professionals to deal with the emotional BS of being a kid in a world like today, astounds me.

Does anybody care at all unless it affects them?

People are so desensitized to reality; that no one will believe it when the world finally DOES blow up.

We are all burning already.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

And Then There Was ONE…

I am honest in the fact that I am flawed; because I believe the only way to change those flaws; is to admit that they are there in the first place.

The competition is with myself; and noone else. I am not responsible for things that are not in my control; only MY self, MY actions and reactions, MY immediate surroundings, and who I let into MY life.

This is the first time in my life that I have actively been sober for more than three months; since 2008. It has been one year, one month, and eighteen days, today; that I made the solid choice and action of stopping the drinking and the denial that was killing my life…FOR GOOD. This is the first time in my life that I have actively been myself for an extended period of time; and not felt like I needed to make it comfortable for everyone else.

I DO NOT REGRET IT IN ANY WAY.

I keep reminding myself that this is reality; and I need to keep actively living in it. DAILY.

I keep reminding myself that I have to put the work in to make my life healthier, and to be a better person; every, single day. EVERY DAY.

Even if it means that I will be afraid. Even if it means I will have to feel emotional pain and uncomfortable feelings to let go. Even if it means I will be tired and overwhelmed sometimes from trying. Even if I have to admit that I STILL have ways of thinking about certain things; that need to be understood, and changed…so I can be at peace inside. Even if it means being physically alone. I know I am stronger than my fears. I know I am stronger than the hurt. I KNOW I can do this life of mine constructively.

I know what I need to do, to get what I need for my emotional health. I’m DOING.

My life is changing today, and I am afraid.

I know I will be ok. I am not afraid to say out loud that I am still flawed….and I might always be.

Being healthy is more important than anything else….

I need to heal from some stuff, for sure.

Today I will focus on that healing.

I’m getting used to being alone in my own space again for the first time in over a year-and-a-half.

It feels scary, but I’m ready.

I don’t feel bad about it anymore…the fact that I will be alone again. I feel like I’m being a logical adult; and actively making my life more stable; because it’s the right thing to do for my life; and also for thee entire situation.

I am still afraid a bit though. I don’t think it’d be change if I wasn’t in some regard.

Grace through adversity; is all I can do for now about it.

That is what I am doing at this point, until I figure out my next move.

My story doesn’t end here…I think it’s just getting started really.

Life is about living it; and embracing the moments and lessons that come to you; without regret…no matter how they come.

I will live today without regret; and have faith in the choices I have made for my life and future…because I believe in MYself.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Guns or Our Children? Views of a Bipolar Mother.

I struggle to believe that the world has come down to choosing weapons over children’s/people’s lives and well-being…but it seems more and more to be the case.

I have been very vocal about my opinions on it on social media; as well as my political stances on other nonsense that seems to be going on in my country absolutely every, single day.

I feel compelled to spread REASON, amongst SO many that seem to not have any.

Do you get as tired of the way the world is as I do; and if not, why?

It seems everyone says speak your voice. But when you do, people act as if you are being too dramatic or fanaticle.

How is that MY issue that you don’t want to see reality?

It’s my issue because kids are DYING. I have kids in school. How is modifying gun laws and gun practices even a choice for gun owners??

Has the world gone mad, and am I in a dream?

Adults acting as if their rights are more important than the children we are all supposed to be raising properly.

If I can be ok with not being able to even own a weapon because I have documented mental issues; and by society’s standards I’m a “risk” because of it…….. If I can’t even own a gun to “protect” myself when I’m not a threat to anyone; then why aren’t YOU ok with not being able to get every, single version of gun that you want; if it would potentially save lives as well? Why do you get to put your needs over the kids getting shot by other kids in their own classrooms?

I don’t care if you want an automatic weapon or the right to buy it, or not.

Your rights are not more important than a childs. My child’s. I learned that the hard way; a different way; but that is STILL the truth of the matter.

*Your rights don’t matter compared to a child’s life, their safety, or rights.*

It’s time to listen to our children more, and engage with them…..put down our phones and realize our kids are raising themselves emotionally….and that’s not right. They NEED love. They NEED safety. They NEED direction and positive reinforcement. They need their parents and adults that CARE. They need a safer world to live in and schools to go to that provide needed safety.

And I’ll keep saying that, and speaking out about that fact.

Just like it’s not important that I get to own one, because I’m bi-polar, you as a gun owner, can get real and sacrifice as well.

It’s just not THAT important. NOT in a world like today.

Do you want to keep your children safe or potentially bury them do to a kid getting a weapon they shouldn’t have, and coming in to your kids school, and shooting it up?

THINK about it. These are KIDS with war weapons, the weapon of choice in mass school shootings.

One of the things we have to do is get gun owners to realize that NO ONE is saying that you CAN’T own a gun.

But you don’t need to own an assault weapon of any kind, unless you can prove you have a NEED for it; and pass any kind of vetting there is to get one…..which should be tons of red tape, and hard to get anyways.

At one point does reason enter in to this gun situation?

Fyi. I’d love to go to a gun range and shoot an automatic weapon. That would be fun.

But I have no issue NOT doing it, because I know that at the end of the day…that doesn’t mean anything to be able to have the right to do that VS. someone’s life…. Because I’m bi-polar.

I won’t feel bad or offended for wanting my kids to have a chance at the future!!

Gun people, get a fucking handgun and a rifle and be a sane person. Can YOU pass a psychological exam? Why do you need an automatic weapon? Who is coming to get you, that you feel you need an automatic weapon to defend yourself; when I don’t need anything but my voice and reason?

My rights aren’t important, because I’m bipolar? Its not important, because it’s not YOUR KID that is the victim?

Stop bitching about how many guns you can get. No one cares; I know I don’t.

Kids are DYING.

I don’t want it to happen again, OR lose another child for YOUR GUNS.

Guns are part of the problem; as well as the attitudes of a lot of you that carry them.

BETTER REGULATIONS!!

***Stricter penalties for anyone owning illegal/undocumented weapons, and being caught with them***

Gun show rules changed. No immediate sales of guns to anyone not already having had a proper psych evaluation and documentation of it, added on to background check.

I don’t care.

Gifting registry started and documented/ran the same way. (Make it work)

Legal documentation for EVERY gun owned by American citizens everywhere. NOW. We need to get an accurate record of that. Also the reason for having high-powered weapons, if you have them.

Every, single purchase and sale of a gun documented, with extensive background check and waiting period. NOW. Longer waiting periods.

All new sales of automatic weapons and magazines holding too many bullets, made illegal to common public…NOW.

***Age to buy gun raised.***

Any new special permits granted for owning an automatic weapon; only granted with extensive regulations, background checks and permissions…also reason for owning. This includes people that already have them, as previously stated.

You should have to be psychologically evaluated too.

If my rights are infringed upon, and my kids lives not important… Then it should also be a hassel for you…FULLY.

For me, the list goes on and on for what you should do.
It shouldn’t be easy for people to get war guns. Especially when they are children with problems; getting and using these guns… on other children.

Throwing more guns at the situation and arming teachers doesn’t do anything but create more potential for school violence and moral issues for some teachers; they will have to choose between teaching and their beliefs.

Kids lose.

Teachers shouldn’t have to carry weapons to protect their children. We shouldn’t be expecting them to either.

THAT’S NOT TEACHING.

I’ve been beside myself about this particular issue, because I have two school-aged children; and I also know the pain of losing a child tragically.

That is not a pain you want to carry.

Instead of throwing more guns at the situation; why don’t we invest in the future of our children and change the gun laws to make them SANE; and hire a mental health team for every school, so maybe on certain days the students sit in a class with trained mental health professionals; vent out frustrations; and learn how to cope with life in a world like today. How would that be a bad thing? Clearly you could help students and children in general, also get the ones that aren’t doing so good, a safe place to be able to talk about it, AND A VALID attempt at the help they NEED.

Prevention. Mental health awareness. Investing in the things that MATTER; instead of money, right to bear arms, and making excuses for the reasons you feel it’s more important to own warguns, instead of protecting the children of this nation from themselves.

I feel the real people that we should be protecting them from… Is a government and society that doesn’t care what happens to them, or what they feel. People that just want their guns.

This is a new level of dysfunction, that we as society promote daily.

I can’t live with that fact anymore; or the fact that my children’s school could be next.

You will not see me quiet down about it; until people start to get some moral fiber again…and our kids don’t have to fend for themselves when adults should be doing it for them instead.

P.s.

I’m glad to know there are REAL talks going on about this finally. And that there are brilliant minds that will change the future of our world, for and with positivity and diligence.

Because it’s going to happen…and IS happening.

BE THE CHANGE THE WORLD NEEDS.

Even if it’s just one person at a time; together, we can make a better future for our children possible… AND safer…and stop the cycle of dysfunction for many, from even occurring.

Those children can’t get their lives back. And it could have been prevented. All of the shootings could have been.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

#payattentiontoyourkids

#safeschoolsforkids #revisedsecondamendment
#mentalhealthawareness
#change
#realitycheck
#commonsense

My synthetic medicine journey… to none.

Sometimes, it’s constantly reminding myself that “this too shall pass“.

It’s really all I can do…and enough to do it.

I am well aware that I am not on synthetic medication anymore. Sometimes that still scares me; even though the effects and side-effects of taking the medicines….scares me more.

I remember when I made the decision to stop taking them.

At that point my cholesterol level had shot through the roof because of the bipolar anti-depressant I was taking (Latuda); and they had to prescribe me another medication to lower it. I was also on a mood-stabilizer as well; (Trileptol) a common anti-seizure drug that my son actually was taking back in the day for his Epilepsy. It is also used as a mood stabilizer for bipolar.

I was having headaches that lasted for days. Parts of my body were going numb at random times, that lasted for days and weeks. I have a bum shoulder; broken twice in the same spot, that causes me chronic pain daily. The meds made it feel worse. My joints felt worse, to the point that it hurt to walk sometimes. I was having auditory hallucinations whenever I did not take my meds at the exact same time. I was STILL up and down, up and down anyways. I was miserable; unable to hold a job….and stuck in a life of NOTHING.

The meds were not fixing me. They were in fact, hurting me….making me worse. It was actually quite terrifying if I have to be honest about it. You wake up feeling worse than the day before…and it’s like, how is this helping me?

It’s not.

I started to think of all the meds my son was on when he was alive….and all the complications they caused for him; and the constant trying to find the ones that would work. The medications he was on that were supposed to help his movement disorder; that in fact in the end had the opposite effect, and actually made his movement disorder irreversible….because unbenounced to us, that med (Haldol) was making it worse every day…one of the side effects of it, WAS an irreversable movement disorder….also called dyskenisia.

We gave him Dr. prescribed meds for a movement disorder, that was made worse by the med that was supposed to make it better.

The guilt I still carry from that…is indescribably hard to deal with or relate.

It didn’t make sense to me anymore. Any of it. What was the point of being on medicines, that didn’t even work for me; and caused other serious health problems? This was not the first time for me with this. It had been a struggle for years with the different medications for me; and finding something that worked. I asked myself was I THAT messed up, that I could not find ways naturally to help myself instead?

The answer to me was NO…I was NOT that messed up. I needed to find new ways to control my bipolar, PTSD, anxiety, and pain. I needed to help myself.

At that point I made the choice to detox from the medication I was on; and to live free of synthetic pills and medication for good.

It is a choice that I do not regret in any way…although it is challenging in moments.

I would have had to depend on synthetics, and keep taking them…for the rest of my life. I was at risk for developing even worse symptoms and health problems down the line; and that’s just a logical conclusion I came to, based on the symptoms I already was having.

It wasn’t worth it to me.

It wasn’t a real life. For me, It was a life filled with pills, and hoping I could be fixed by them…but struggling despite. Nothing more. They did nothing to touch my PTSD or anxiety symptoms either. Made my body, joint pain, and anxiety… WORSE.

I was just done with it all; regarding synthetic anything in my body.

I started to research herbal remedies and read anything I could to help myself. I had many friends who helped me with that as well. To you guys, I say thank you.

I realized that just because I was bipolar, and had other issues going…it didn’t mean I had to commit myself, to a life-time of pills and stigma.

I could overcome it, if I tried hard enough.

I smoke cannabis to control many of my symptoms now. Soon, I will be switching over to the straight CBD oil…which is a derivative of cannabis…and has no mood altering effects.

I take vitamins and supplements, and try to get as much sleep as I can. I excersize. (At work, all day long)

I make a conscious effort to actively control my ups and downs. Mostly that just consists of not letting myself get to the levels of despair I used to feel.

I do that by staying sober, writing, seeking support from people who care about me; and actively trying to help people that struggle with the same kinds of things that I do.

Many people have things to say about cannabis; and it’s use for medical purposes. Many people have things to say about me, and my use of it.

That is not my issue. I know I am responsible with my usage. I do not need validation from anyone on it at all.

I AM NOT a doctor. And truth be told, some of the Doctors I’ve worked with…weren’t doctors either…even though they carried the title.

Three things I DO know for sure, based on personal experience…and the experiences of people close to me:

~Synthetic meds WILL eventually lead you to MORE synthetic meds, and more problems health-wise, when it is all said and done.

~Cannabis and CBD oil would have greatly increased my deceased son’s quality of life and pain. He would not have suffered as much as he did. I wish it would have been an option when he was alive; but sadly it was not.

~Supplements and cannabis have greatly improved my symptoms, health, and overall quality of life.

It works for me; and I really don’t care what anyone else has to say about it anymore, because I live a life every day that is full and responsible, and true.

Things I wasn’t able to do when I was taking meds to “fix me”.

Healing and managing mental symptoms and pain, is not about doing things the way people tell you to do them.

It’s about looking in yourself, and finding ways to nurture the parts in you that need to be nurtured…not suppressed.

I own my Bipolar. I own my PTSD. I own my chronic pain from injury. I own my anxiety. I own my choice of medicines I will put in my body.

It is my choice. It is also yours.

I still feel the ups and downs. But they are far less extreme now.

I do not regret my choice to stop putting unnatural things in my body.

Sometimes, it IS constantly reminding myself that “this too shall pass“.

But the difference is; I know that it will pass now, and that’s just part of how I’m made. I embrace the fact that I AM not normal by societies standards.

I also feel no shame for who I am as a person anymore; and I know that the best things in life, all revolve around embracing who I am.

I am ME. I am not a stigma that can be cured with a pill; and I don’t want to be.

I am 10 months, 5 days sober.

I am living for the first time in my life. My best is happening daily.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME