I Struggle With My Faith, and I Don’t Want to Anymore. The Root of the Root.

Here’s the disclaimer. 

I know a lot of people follow me here, because they want to see the messed up things I’m gonna’ say next. That’s fine. 

This may not be the blog post for you though; because it is long, and recaps my struggle with faith and childhood. It’s a self- validation piece, and my life truly unfolded. 

It was hard to write; and even harder to post.
I appreciate anybody’s time in advance, that does want to read further. 

Thank you. It means more than you know. Xo

-Jenni

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I have struggled with my faith since the age of nine, when my Father first took us to church.

I’m trying to come to some sort of terms with it, because it has been weighing on my mind for many reasons; for many, many years.

I’m getting older. I’m letting things go that have infected my soul for so long…FINALLY. I need to find some sort of peace with my faith so that I can nurture it, and possibly build on it more, so I can have closure and true peace inside.

I feel I need to do this, at this point. There are holes in me that will not close without it; I’ve tried, and I know this.

Lately, I feel a shift in my way of thinking regarding “God” and his existence. The ghosts of the past make me question today. The only thing I really know for sure is, is that I do not know what comes after this life at all.

As a child, I grew up in a house where the only father I had ever known drank too much. The F- bomb was dropped as easily as the porn mags, that were just laying around the living area of our downstairs basement, in plain site of a child.

It was all about my father, nothing else. He did what he wanted, and my mother did what he said to do, and was a good wife to him. She loved him, and she loved us as well. 

I never knew from day to day, what mood my father was going to be in, or if I would get hurt by him that day. Sometimes things seemed normal”ish”; but it wouldn’t take long for him to fly off the handle without warning, and become way too agressive with my mother and myself for certain. He caused physical and mental damage, over and over, that hurt us both. Sometimes he would even lash out at my younger sisters too, when I didn’t get there fast enough to get in the way. I’m sure they don’t remember a lot of it early on, and I am SO grateful for that; but I still do. He was cruel and not loving by standard; and that’s how it was for me.

Mostly it was a life of uncertainty, mental chaos, fear and pain; in some regard; whether it was physical, emotional or worse.  I was always on edge, and scared. It also was a lot of avoiding anywhere my father was… at all times… if I could at all manage it. 

I hated him, but I loved him as well because he was my Father. Most don’t understand that. 

It’s not my issue.

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On the outside, we looked like a regular, (lower) middle-class family. It was my father, mother, two younger sisters (my dad’s real kids), and me. My father was a welder and a sprinkler fitter by trade with the Union. We always lived in a house, and had food to eat. We took vacations every year. We grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same school our entire school years, k-12. My mother was a “typical” housewife.

It looked, on the surface, to be quite normal; although I know for a fact that many people around us at that time (adults), knew that it wasn’ t. The truth is, I personally lived a very disfunctional childhood. I was fully terrified of my home life, because I was being abused on a regular basis, in various ways. That’s being about as forthright and vague as I can be about it, without getting fully into it; and to prevent more slander from complete strangers that have no clue, and like to send me BS emails and messages about how I’m a pathological liar and making it all up…

You can ask my Mother about it…Enough said.

It pisses me off that I have to deal with that factor.

It’s relevant information none the less, and you need the back- story to understand the whole blog.


Anyways….

My grandmother somehow talked my father into going to her “Christian Reformed” church one Sunday. I was about 9 years old, I believe. I didn’t understand who God even was, because there was NO religion in our family at all, and I had never heard of him up until then. I can’t remember any of my close, or extended family; besides my grandmother; ever going to church or anything. Christmas was just Christmas. Easter was just Easter. There was no talk of spirituality, faith, or God at all in our family…ever.

For some reason or another, my father decided that we would go to church. He latched on to the concept quickly, and our family then started going to church every week…twice on Sunday, and once on Wednesday.

I’d like to think it was because he wanted to change his ways; but that didn’t end up happening at all.

It actually got way more fucked up.

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I DO remember many good memories about that church. 

Christmas programs, Sunday school,  Calvanetts (like girl scouts but church group), many gatherings and social events, Bible school. I know a great deal about the Bible and I read it once, straight through. It took me three years. Lol. Bet you didn’t know that about me. 🙂

The point though is that there were some good people there for sure. I was in all regards “forced” into the atmosphere; but I do have to say that IT WAS comforting in some way, to be around father-figures that acted like proper fathers. Before that, I was totally afraid of men, and I would hide a lot. I had a few teachers there though, that I respected and listened to; It’s because they were all kind to me, and each of them seemed like the kind of father, I’d wished I’d had.

It’s kind of sad when you think about it. 

I was often jealous of other families that were loving and happy. True fact.

Unfortunately, I also remember that most of the people at “that church”, acted like they just wanted to show off what they were wearing that week and what they had. It was apparent. No one ever clapped after a song performance or a congratulatory mention to someone from the Pastor; which I thought was totally weird and not cool at all. It’s as if they were above showing emotion. The worst part was that the church mostly treated my family like we were less-fortunate and less-than as well, because we had nowhere near as much money as the rest of the congregation that went there….we were charity cases, basically. They used to give us care packages on our porch and just leave them there, and I’m pretty sure they were helping my parents with financial strains at one point. (This is not a fact, just a hunch) The point is, I can STILL remember the stares when we walked down the center isle of the church to be seated every week. I absolutely hated it because I knew why they stared at us. It’s funny how people think that kids can’t pick up on things like that; but it’s not true…they definitely can.

I felt like I didn’t belong there at all; but since I did not have any choice but to go, I adapted as I always did. 

After a while, that’s when the religious indoctrination started by my father.

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It is hard to believe in God, when you are a child who does not understand what is happening to her; and why her father hates her, and hurts her. I often would ask questions about God to my father; which were always met with anger, degradation, and punishment. I once had to stand up at the dinner table for three hours and be lectured and talked down to,  because I asked my father “How he knew that God existed.” 

I was ten.

You see, even at that age, I knew what he was doing to me and my family was not right, and that it didn’t make sense what he was saying; his actions never matched his words.  I also knew that no one seemed to care what was happening to me. 

Everybody thought my dad was just awesome. He wasn’t. He fed and clothed us, and provided for us; but he was not a good father to me at all. He caused trauma that I’ve carried with me, my entire life. 

I don’t have any regrets saying it either, because it’s the truth…and he and I and my mother, all know it.

The truth hurts.

Sorry Dad, but I’m writing this to self-validate, because I deserve to.

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I remember one Sunday, our pastor asking for people who wanted to be saved to “Come up to the front and take the Lord’s hand. The Lord would help us find our way and save us all from despair.” 

I went up.

I wanted to be saved so bad. I did feel the Lord in that moment. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed, as hard as I could for his healing. I wanted my father to stop hurting me, my mom,  and my sisters; and I wanted God to please, please help. I truly believed that he would take the pain away, and fix my life and my family.

It didn’t happen at all.

The same things continued to happen, and as I got older…it got worse.

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was baptized along with my parents and sisters, when I was 11 years old.

My father then became a Deacon of the church.

What I will never get, is that my father would sometimes openly abuse me in front of church people, and NO ONE did ANYTHING, but look the other way. 

One time my family went on a camping trip with another church family, and my father gave me a black eye because I was teasing my sister when we were supposed to be sleeping. 

He punched me numerous times in the face, like a man would hit a man. 

What do you do?

The next day my mother actually had the nerve to ask me, if my father had done that to me. I love my mother more than anything, but I was so enraged in that moment I could literally say nothing, because I wanted to hurt her the way that I was hurting inside….and on my face. 

That’s fucked up.

I was thirteen.

It took me a long time to realize that my mother was a victim as well; but I do know that now, and understand.

She told me not to say anything, like she told me the first time my father gave me a black eye, when I was six. She told me to behave. I didn’t tell anybody. The church family we were with had two small children even. They saw me and said absolutely nothing. Everybody went on about the vacation as if it hadn’t even happened, and I know they all heard it.  That’s when I pretty much figured I was FUCKED, and this God everybody was talking about, was not gonna’ save me at all. 


My father eventually had a long-running affair in the end with another woman. He left my mother, my sisters, myself…AND the church.

Then the church left my mother, and she almost killed herself over it all.

My parents were divorced when I was 14. 

My sister’s were devastated and cried and cried. 

I cried because I was happy my father was finally gone, and could not hurt us anymore. 

Yeah.

By the way, my mom is an amazing woman. She worked her ass off to keep us in that house, clothes on our backs, food in our stomachs…and she did it all without help from the government. 

She IS the reason I am strong. She IS the reason my eldest daughter is strong. 

It took me a long time to realize this. She kept ALL us girls together, when we were all falling apart and had no one but each other. 

Every day I’m thankful she is my mom.

Just wanted to say that because I love her, and I respect who she is and what she sacrificed for me.

She raised my daughter until she was 13 years old because I knew I couldn’t. If not for her, I would never know my daughter because she would be with an adoptive family right now instead. 

I’m so grateful for her. She always loves me no matter what. 

I love you.

Thank you.

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Ok . Back on track with the religion thing. Sorry.

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I guess my whole issue is; I feel most people hide behind their religion, and are totally different people when it’s all said and done. 

I fully respect my friends that are passionate about their faith in God, and practice it. I have no issues with anyone believing what they want, because I feel like it’s as personal as your life-journey is. Everyone finds their own way and belief, no two ways or stories are exactly the same, unless you’re in a cult.(lol)  

Ok, that was bad; but wtf.?

There are however, a lot of shady, scummy, horrible people in the world that use God as a cover, and those people are not godly at all. I know this because I’ve lived it.

Anyways… 

My childhood experiences and church involvement, have tainted every single thing that comes to religion for me. It’s sad that I’ve felt guilty for talking about it in detail, until now. After my son passed, I said “Fuck it” all together and just started trying to see things for what they were . 

My core beliefs are as follows:

* I don’t like organized religion. 

*I do not believe the Bible is the do all, end all; or you’re going to Hell, at all. I don’t even know if it’s real, or if there is a Heaven or Hell, and really I think it’s just a bunch of stories, and totally hypocritical and perverted to say the least.

I don’t think God is coming back, or he’d be here by now. Don’t people consider this at all?

I don’t know really how to say all this without offending someone, but more people have been killed in the name of religion, than anything else; and that is a fact. 

It makes no sense.


STILL……

There’s got to be something. 

I refuse to believe that this life is all for nothing. I refuse to believe that the despair and suffering of the world, is all for nothing. I refuse to believe that nature is as amazing as it is, without something or someone having a hand in that. I want to see my son again, and some other people too.

But I really don’t know what or who (if anything), is responsible.

I am a much more  spiritual person, than I am a religious person. I think it’s the most logical way to go. 

Wierdly though, a lot of things have been happening in my life that cause me to reconsider trying out just ONE service some time; in “that church”…. just to see how I feel afterwards. 

Maybe that is highly hypocritical, but I feel like I owe “God”, another chance..if he exists.

It’s kind of freaking me out too, because I’m scared to death of the insides of churches, and will not go in them. 

I just want to feel that feeling I had again, when I was up at the front of the church, and truly believed he could save me when I was 11 years old.

For what it’s worth, I hope I at least can find some sort of comfort and direction, and maybe let the ghosts from my childhood finally pass on to the other side, where they belong for good good good.

That can’t be a bad thing, and I think I owe it to myself to walk in that church and find out once and for all. 

I am not a child anymore; and my father is no longer able to cause me damage. The damage I now do regarding the whole thing, is to myself. Hence the struggle.

Even though I don’t speak to him; I have for the most part accepted that it can’t be changed. 

I will always remember though.

It’s because I understand that his Father hurt him too, and it is a cycle, that I can take a different look at it now. I am also a person who knows about alcoholism, and hurting people you’re supposed to love. Also because I love him; he’s the only father I’ve ever known. 

And that’s why I know there must be something. 

Two years ago, I never would have been able to say that about him. I let it affect my whole life, and way of thinking. But that’s over now.

That didn’t happen by itself. 

I have control of my life now.

I guess I’ll update, and let you know how it goes. 

Thanks for reading. I haven’t talked this extensively about my reasons for my beliefs and how they got there in open written forum before; and so that in itself is completely freeing. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME



Bipolar

Sometimes I just don’t know anything. 

Up and Down 

Up and Down

I try to be still and let it process through until I get it; but I just don’t know anything sometimes.

Too fast

Too slow

I wonder if I’m really in a dream; because just about the time I think I might start to make sense of things…

It changes again.

J.Rounds ©2016 ~Peaces of ME

I’m a Rambler, and I Have Trust Issues…

I feel like I have to work harder on seeing people for who they actually are, and giving “actual” chances to let people into my life again.

It’s hard. 

Trust for me, is probably the hardest thing I struggle with. Once I lose it, it’s close to impossible to get back. I know it’s like that for most people, but I also don’t think most people generally just close up all together and stop everything because of it.

I was talking to my girlfriend from Tennessee today, and we both agreed that we don’t want to, and just can’t “people” on some days. 

It’s totally true.

I prefer to be alone, when I’m not with T, because I know eventually I will have to most likely deal with some sort of something, that I don’t want to deal with….and it seems to always regard ME being hurt or pissed off in the end; in some fashion.

That’s how it’s been in real life for me lately.

This is what keeps me from engaging with people in general very much.

I go in stages, but mostly I just keep to myself. I think I need to find a way to change that; because it feels like I am living in my sickness and solitude sometimes, instead of enjoying life.

I don’t like that feeling at all.

Real life has other real living people in it. (Haha haha, I’m a fucking idiot, but yeah.)

I often feel like I am spread too thin, and that’s NOT having regular contact with people. I feel overwhelmed when it comes to socializing, and I never used to be like that before Karter left my life. Something along the path stopped me from being the outgoing person I used to be. I’m really trying to figure out ways that I can trust people again, and maybe get back to normal regarding that.

I think sometimes when you have felt like a victim for so long, you forget that you are NOT one anymore; and you forget that other people have actual feelings too, and are not all the same.

I know that people are not all the same. I still deal with the fear of potential fuckery though, I guess.

I’m just rambling, because it’s been bothering me a lot lately. 

I don’t need or want a huge social life at all. I do need and want to make a few real-life female friends that I can connect with. 

I don’t think it’s healthy that I am alone so much, because I feel so alone sometimes inside. 

Funny how you can spue out your life to the world, and still feel alone. 

I need to get my shit together and “people” more, for my own well being.

Hopefully I can manage it, without my fist accidently grazing someone’s face. (Sarcasm)

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Thoughts on Value and Acceptance.

I think one of the biggest issues I’ve had in life, is my rather overwhelming need to feel like I’m truly being valued and heard; but never really feeling it fully at all, from anyone or anywhere.

This includes by people in my real life, as well as on social media, and in social situations.

It used to make me sad……. that I wasn’t worth the effort or love; the time, concern, respect, or loyalty….”What’s wrong with me? Why does everyone treat me like I’m nothing?”  Blah, blah, blah.

I always ended up on the wrong end of things….I was a bitter person because of it. I blamed everybody else for every situation I was in.

My thoughts in the past with value and acceptance, where based off of a dysfunctional childhood that I couldn’t let go of; a life of discontent, addictive behaviors, and mental health issues. I still have some of those issues.

I used to get all bitchy and dramatic about it…and sometimes, I still do. Although all my core Bullshit remains;  I’d like to think, that those moments have reduced severely since last year. 

Truthfully, there’s only a few people I even care about enough anymore, to let close enough to get past my wall. Truthfully, no one owes me one damn thing in this life. Truthfully, I’m just trying to finish this blog post that I started over a year ago.

My thoughts on value and acceptance now, are based off principle and common sense.

My value isn’t worth anything, if I have to talk you into believing that I’m valuable; even when I’m proving it with my actions already….and vice versa.

I’m not going to spend time talking you into anything.

There it is; there’s my current way of thinking.

I’ve learned to live in real life; and with the apologies and validations, that I will never get. I’m not going to spend time on something that makes me feel empty; it doesn’t matter what or who it is.

Neither should you.

I’ve personally found that it’s best to invest quality time on yourself; so that no matter what, you’re good in your own worth; on your own; because that’s all that matters.

Many people see value in many things; but most don’t even realize the value of something;  miss out on it all together; or don’t even care to find it.

Life goes on. 

To value myself is the greatest gift I ever gave myself….NO returns. 

Some days I have to dig deeper than others; but I do know at the end of the day; I’m good. 

There’s quite a power in that on a whole because it makes you better able to genuinely practice healthy living. 🙂 

Also; If you don’t value yourself;  no one else will. If it’s not even worth it to you; you can’t much expect it to be worth it to anyone else either.

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2016 ~Peaces of ME


Update for Tuesday

I’m feeling pretty decent. 

Nothing much going on except Summer time, and focusing on my immediate future and goals. It’s a process. I have most of my flowers in, and there’s a peaceful vibe going on, on my back porch. We had a good last weekend, and decided to put in a fire pit too. Might have a get together soon, and try to get some sort of an alcohol-free, social circle of friends going….on a regular basis. We do have sober friends that are amazing. Besides It’s Summer, and I hear normal “ish” people socialize regularly. (Lol)

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One week off of all social accounts now; although my messenger is on; and only ONE person messaged to see where I was…

Enough said. It’s why I didn’t say anything, and just deactivated.

I won’t be going back to Facebook or Instagram, for some time. My mood is much better on a whole, and I don’t miss it at all. It’s looking like it’s mutual, and I’m fine with that. I have NO idea what role social media will play in my future, but right now the break is awesome.  The reality that no one really cares I’m gone is sobering; and makes me happy that I don’t depend on the internet and useless likes anymore, to get me through the day, like I used to. 

I guess that was bound to happen at some point; seeing social media for what it is. A natural progression I think, and I’m happy about that; because for a long, long time I was on the internet all day long; no matter where I was, or what I was doing.

That’s over now.

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Unfortunately, I had to tell someone to fuck off again, because they were being petty and stupid…AGAIN. That “friend” of T’s. Hardest part about not drinking, is dealing with the whiney bitches who don’t want to see you get better; and insult you directly, just to instigate and cause problems. I try to deal with it nicely, and then I figured out, that that’s just not possible. It’s sad. It’s sad that people have to be like that. I don’t regret one single thing I said to her though…because it was all the truth. I can only hope that this time, what I said was taken at face value and heard; although it’s doubtful.  Either way I said what I had to say; it is done with;  and T and I are still sober and happy. (72 days)

People, places and things. You have to change them, if you want to remain and stay sober. I don’t hard-core the AA program at all; but I do agree FULLY with that core principle.

If people can’t respect the fact that T and I aren’t dealing with BS drama anymore or drinking; then that’s just their issue, not ours. 

We live each day with the knowledge that where we are going, is much better than where we have been. We also know that positive growth is not possible, if we allow ourselves to become complacent in our recoveries, or subject ourselves to alcohol-related things we shouldn’t be around. 

I am lucky to have T by my side. Although sometimes our relationship can be difficult; I just couldn’t see my life in any other place, with anybody else. It’s a great feeling to be with someone who accepts you for you, and we play off each other nicely…also basically keep each other sane sometimes…when we aren’t driving each other crazy. (Lol)

It’s a process 😉😅.

All the positive support we have received regarding our sobriety has been amazing, and we both thank you. In the beginning it was hard to see the path; but the support helped us to know that we were doing the right thing. I don’t know, sometimes reality can be scary, and so thank you for all the kindness. 

Here’s the blah, blah, blah update for this Tuesday. As I said nothing much is new, but I’m still alive, so I thought I’d let you all know. 🙂

Enjoy the rest of your week and be happy. I’m wishing you all the best. Xo

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Reconsideration. 

I’ve decided to keep this blog going after all. It would be like turning my back on a part of myself that’s good; and that would just be stupid.

Two years of my life, today, on digital world view. As hard as it’s been….Finding yourself;  in the midst of random strangers; is a good way to deal/heal fears, and is very freeing.

I reserve my right to make harmless, reversable, bipolar decisions.

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I turned off and deactivated my social media accounts to focus on my goals.

I am 67 days sober.

There is a light in me again that grows stronger every single day.

I am grateful for the people in my life.

I realized that being afraid of failure, is keeping me from doing what I need to do to succeed.

I also realized that I can’t much do anything or get anything done, if I don’t do it.

Fear of failure is not an option for me any longer. It’s held me down for most of my life; and that’s just over now.

Love yourself. 

 J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Two Months, and Some Hope for Myself Yet.

I’m glad to get some things cleared up and sorted today, that had been weighing on my mind. 


Still more things to go, but today I’m happy to make what amounts to a significant dent in my anxiety; part of it anyways…I feel BETTER. 


I do not know what is after this life; but I do know I am grateful for how things have a way of working themselves out in the end, if you believe it can work out; are patient; and stay true to who you are.


I guess that is what gives me hope these days….knowing that this is real life actually going in the right direction, and I don’t have to give up core parts of me as a person to get it right this time around sobriety-wise; or make it better for anyone. 


I’m just doing the right thing.


Most times I find there’s a bittersweet irony in working through difficult situations, and coming out stronger for it on the other side.


Lately my life has been about growth, acceptance, and forgiveness. I find forgiving myself the hardest of all; but a duly needed thing just the same. I am trying to love myself as I love others. I figure I’m worth that much for sure. 


It’s a decent day and a long weekend… I hope to get a go on that list of goals I have running. It’s a mile long, and I’m only on the first leg still. 


I’m kind of done playing it safe. I’m just interested in doing more of what my heart wants, and my mouth says. 


I think I got the main part down in being that I’m two months sober today, and have a plan to make it a running normality, when it comes to my life. 


Giving myself an actual chance at success, begins and ends with me. 


This I know for sure. 


Have a beautiful weekend; and a special rememberance to all the soldiers who fought and gave their lives, to make the USA great. My greatest appreciations. Xo 


Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Good Friday to You

Life is good at the moment for me, and truthfully it’s because I’ve done some healing and some accepting of things just these last few days, so I’m feeling rather positive and motivated about life in general; 

calm.

It feels good to be able to let certain things go and not let it bother me. I’m not quite sure what’s happening, but life FEELS like it’s getting easier. The decisions are clearer, and easier to make, even though sometimes still hard. There’s a working, doable plan. I know I’m going to be ok. I’m starting to finally understand myself; my needs vs. wants; I’m not feeling uptight about much. I get to the point where my reasoning kicks in, and I’m good. I can’t control half of it anyways. 

My anxiety is low; also, it’s the start of the weekend. Normally I might be anxious and think stupid things, but really it’s not like that this day. So….I call it riding the wave, and that’s what I’m doing. I’m not worrying about anything until I have to.

No point in that.

My main concern is finding a way to be productive financially, and still keep my stress level low so I can maintain productivity.

I guess since I can’t seem to sell this light kit of mine I got for school, I’m going to teach myself how to use it. I really dont want to go to school again, because quite frankly, I feel like it’s a waste of time and money right now. I’m also 40 grand in, regarding school loans, so yeah….no. I know enough already to proceed to something that makes me happy, and I’m going from there. I know I have enough brains in my head to figure it out.

I’m literally living each day as it comes. Eventually the effort I am putting in to move forward, will pay off. I’m really wanting to get this Etsy store idea open and running, and I’ve got a shit ton of stuff to do on it…STILL. So not going fast enough for me.

Things are starting to be more stable now with a lot of needed changes, so I think I might be able to focus on it, and the things I need to do to get it up and running. 

I’m hoping to have it officially open by November. It’ll be a mix of stuff. Personal Art, photographic images and mixed media creations of various kinds, vintage things, odd things, ME things. I’m quite crafty, so I’m  excited to have a good goal to focus on. Also considering a calendar as it’s been mentioned numerous times to make.

Other avenues could open if it takes off at all. I resign to be happy more than anything, and get off this SSI if I can. I hate it. I’m doing it on my own terms, because it’s the only way I’ll ever be happy.

I really hate the Government more than ever these days.dl Depending on them sucks, and is NOT a way of life.

I am determined to beat the stigma of mental illness and addiction in the end; and I will do it.

This weekend will be for planting flower beds if the rain holds off.

Cash flow could be better, but otherwise I’m solid.

Enjoy your weekend.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Grateful Isn’t Even the Word I Feel, and other blah,blah,blahs.

Well I had this long blog I wrote on Monday about last weekend, and how it was good for me; but somehow after I published it, it magically dissappeared. I probably did something, but who really knows what that was. So basically I had a good weekend. I’m much happier clear-headed. 🙂 

Today is day 19 in my sober world…Again. One always hopes that this will be the last go ’round with the demon, and the last round of counting. One would hope; I hope. I guess I have to go with that and believe it, because it’s the only option I have today that’s sane and smart. Treat my disease…and keep the demon in it’s place. Either that or face certain doom. Eventually it will become second nature again, and I will stop talking about it so much. Right now I think it is essential that I do, because it is what’s keeping me sober. 

Something kind of strange I’ve found for myself too…

It’s not difficult to not drink, if I just don’t drink.  I don’t much think about it. After it has been out of my system for a bit…I don’t crave it like you would think I would, because the very thought of it, actually makes me sick. I’m so grateful for this fact. I know it’s maybe a weird thing to be grateful for, but I certainly am. Lord knows I’ve had enough hangovers to last well into eternity…Now? NOPE, I’ll pass…thank you very much. Just remembering the misery is enough to stop me today…and that’s enough for TODAY.

I do have to admit that I still get slightly triggered though, when I see the huge “Alcohol” sign, on the storeside down the road I used to go to…but that’s pretty much it. I just tell myself that I can’t get away from the world and how it is; and I know it. Instead I suck it up…because I’m the one with the drinking problem after all; I know where I’ve been, and how far I’ve come, as well; so i just won’t go to the store. 💡💡 I mean, that’s saying something that I know this finally, right? Pretty cut and dry. It only took me 45 years to figure this no -brainer out…and actually implement the practice. (I’m so rolling my eyes right now, geez) 

No, the only time I really have an issue with drinking, is AFTER that first drink; if that makes sense. Don’t drink= no major issues. Drink=won’t stop.

*Tells me I have to make sure I never get to the point that I want to drink again (answer to it all), and that it is MY choice, no one else’s. It always was.*

I have to say though, that I feel so much better off of the synthetic meds. I really think that was a smart choice for me. It only stands to reason that staying away from alcohol would make my stability even better, and it’s proving to be so. I have never been without one or the other. I was always on some sort of anti-psychotic/anti-depressant/pill or drinking, or both.

I’m strictly herbal now, and my anxiety is about 1/3 of what it was. Best choice I’ve made in a while. I’m also taking vitamins/supplements and exercising.   It feels kind of lame to know I could have been doing this my entire life, but I guess my story just doesn’t match anything other than what it is…and so I embrace the fact that I’m actually doing it today.

One thing I do know about addiction is that you cannot reach an addict, until they want to be reached. You just can’t because it’s a disease of the brain, firstly. You also have to nurture the pieces that are broken in you, that caused you drink in the first place; and accept and make peace with them as best you can, so you can free yourself from the cycle…because that’s what it is. I couldn’t deal, because I wouldn’t stop hurting myself. You can’t make a change at all, if you don’t change what you are doing. 

I hope someone that comes across this blog, will learn from my mistakes, and love themselves enough to pull themselves out of it…and stand up again before it is too late. Don’t end up dead or hurting those you love, or in a life that has, in all effects, passed you by….like me. Don’t do it to yourself. It’s not worth it by a long shot. Trust me.

I’m just grateful I’m still around to be very honest. Because I think I should have been dead a long time ago…and what would my life have meant then? 

I’m better than that, and I know it. 

Again, another off-the-top-of my-head blog post, but yeah…grateful isn’t even the word for what I feel.  

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Free Writing (off synthetic meds for two weeks now)(they never said it had to make sense to anyone but me…)

Almost every time I feel negative and depressed… I feel ashamed as well to talk or write about it. I very often delete or hide my writings/feelings, because I want to be a positive influence on the world and the people around me. Also because I want to be productive. I have made some big choices to try a more natural route for my Bipolar/PTSD/Depression…

I’m tired of having synthetic meds daily,  because they are causing other health issues for me. I’m tired of the stigma that says you have to take them to be well. I am no longer willing to be on meds that don’t even work, and cause even more health problems for me. NO. I have been off them for two weeks now, and so far it’s been rough…but better in that I don’t have the side effects I was having. I am actively trying to better my health, so I can reach the goals I have to reach OFF of daily synthetics. 

This is how I feel today….

Being a negative, depressed person for me is draining and not fun; also hard on everyone else…among many other things. It makes me feel weak as a person, even though I know that’s not true at all.

I struggle with life. “Failure to thrive.” I am in all sorts a rapid cycler Bipolar person with Bipolar Depression and a plethora of things that I’ve shit-stormed my way through that have qualified me for PTSD long before they ever diagnosed me with it. I know this.

What sucks most about it for me is, admitting that I’m having issues to the people I love.  I feel like I suck the life out of them. Another reason I try not to talk too much about how crummy I sometimes feel in real life. I know it still slips through. I can see it in the eyes of loved ones when they know without me saying anything.

But I STILL feel better off the synthetics.

When I’m feeling depressed/negative, I also hate the world around me, and the way the world is, and some people around me too that I have to deal with in life; I really do. And I don’t care.

Maybe I’m going to Hell if there is one.

When I am negative and depressed, I hate myself, and am always unhappy with the fact that I never seem to get very far (according to me), without some sort of mental lapse or issue arising, no matter how hard I try. Latest being school. I focus in on the fact that I’m feeling worthless and did not meet my goal, compare the space where I’m at and the space I think I should be at, and for some moments the negative takes over me. Sometimes days. I go into myself. It sets me back. Makes me think bad things about everything in life and myself… “I’m a Fuck up. Pisses me off I can’t make my shit work…why do I care …what’s wrong with me?”

You get the idea.

Enter symptoms of disorders.

I hate that I am sensitive and sometimes needy. I hate that I mostly feel like a little 6 yr old girl, in a 45 big girl body after all I’ve been through.

I hate that I feel like I try really really hard to move forward, and I just can’t get it done.

Sometimes I wonder what it will take for me to believe that I am worth happiness, and if I’ll ever truly have my life together.

I AM trying every day to find a way to my personal Zen, so I can finally be free of my demons for good and just fucking let it go already. Everything. Just let it go.

The thing about Depression, Bi Polar, PTSD, that I have personally found for myself is that all the negative thoughts and symptoms seem to meld together, and seep in at the most inopportune times. (As if there is a good time for negative, depressing thoughts and symptoms of disorders…pff, but mainly when I am stressed or feeling overwhelmed.)(A lot than not)(I do)

Everything runs together and I can’t take it.

It doesn’t take much time for me to pile up a plethora of BS in my head. This is why they call it a mental disorder. This is why I TRY to be positive.

I have come to the conclusion that I can control the thoughts, if only I do not let them control me.

That I do know.

The thing is, sometimes the negativity still comes.

It’s like I forget everything I’ve learned and have to start all over again, everytime.

I feel like I have some sort of cancer in my mind, and no matter what I do, I can’t get rid of it and it won’t stop destroying my life and everything that I am and want.

It’s a restless hopelessness. It’s a shame, and self-hatred. It’s the wishing you could buy into a “deluxe coma for a month” life option, because I’m sick of this ride.

I’m sick of it.

I’m writing about it… and I talked to my support system too. Because in doing it I am saving my own life. Nothing more. I am ready to get on with life again.

Today I am pulling myself out of this hole again, and cutting out some more negativity I think I have in my life that needs to be out.
I am doing little things for myself such as exercise, drinking more water, getting fresh air and loving myself enough to know that I CAN choose to be happy. And keep trying because I can do better. I’m also blogging This blog.

This life is not easy for me, but I know I could have it so much worse and that it is up to me to save myself.

I am grateful I have some people in my life to help me when I feel like giving up.

I actually feel glad that I got it out in words and that I know that today is today, and today is what I choose to make of it. 

I don’t know what I just wrote, but I feel better. And maybe someone out there will get it.  

Love Yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME