I own my story, and my life.
The good parts; the bad; and the lessons I have learned through falling, and standing back up again.
I talk about it openly, because I hope to help others not be afraid of working towards a healthy and positive life too; despite their mental illnesses, disabilities, addictions, or self-esteem hang ups; or the work that goes into managing the compulsions and set backs that may accompany them.
For a long, long time I lived a life that was not in any way, shape or form; my best potential. Not even 80%. Or 70….and some times not even .999.
I masked myself with vices to numb myself from reality. I drank too much, for too long. I took prescribed, synthetic meds that made my symptoms worse, and compromised my health just the same.
Or I combined the two.
I’ve also done the hard drugs, with the exception of interveniously shooting them…but I have managed to do those kinds of drugs in other ways, none the less, and just the same.
The point is; it wasn’t a life that I was proud of. I had tried and failed, more times than I cared to admit.
I’d finally had enough of my demons; and I walked away from them to save my own life.
I decided that no one else owed me anything; and I needed to try to try…because shitty life or not… it was my life to live; and how could I even know if my life could be better, if I was continually caving to the vices that were destroying me.
I stopped that behavior, because it WAS killing me.
It was killing the people around me that care about me too; like my family, and true friends. I was killing them, with MY behaviors and actions.
I chose to lift my thought process, to something that would propell me forward instead of backwards for once…
I’ve been in ruthless pursuit of my peaceful self, ever since.
I gave up the parts of me that liked to kill me slowly; and their accompanying chaos. I do not trigger them, or engage them today, because it makes me sick, literally…and it’s simply not worth living a miserable existence for.
The trys become DOs a lot more now; now that I know I’m awake; and sober.
I decided I couldn’t really do much, without actually doing it.
…………………………………………..☀. 🌟. ☀
There will be life rewards that will come to you, from the work part of coming to terms with yourself.
You start to realize things about yourself that will change the pieces of damage you carry, into fibers; that make your body stronger for the work that you have put in, and are putting in to heal. Emotional strength and loving who you are as a whole; is to me…one of the top important things in life…
In my opinion, THEE most important; probably because it has been so hard, and taken so long for me to actually start doing it.
To make peace with yourself, is a gift you give YOU. To miss the unlovable parts sometimes, is normal. To not talk to those parts or engage them, because they hurt you…is crucial.
Tough love and sacrifice.
You will become a better person for it.
It’s a given.
It is a daily choice to live honestly and without regret.
I’ve learned this finally.
It is sometimes not easy. I learn something new about life and myself every single day…and sometimes I feel weak.
I am NOT perfect…but I make a solid effort to be honest and generally nurturing and compassionate; true…for years now.
I grow, and forgive myself for the things that I have done to keep myself sick.
I had to; to move forward.
My family and children have also forgiven me, and so what I can do now, is prove myself to them through my actions…not words.
I’m doing that.
I personally feel most of the time that I need to work harder. I guess that’s something that I will always hate about myself.
It really never seems to be enough; no matter how genuine I am; in just about all aspects of my life.
That’s a fact.
Uncertainty has always scared me, because I’ve been in survival mode, since the first time my step-father made me realize that I was going to get hit if I didn’t conform…so for a long time. My real father is a jailed until death murderer, drug addict, and also has mental issues…
I come from broken.
That is a fact.
It took SO long, to give ME a chance.
I was afraid of love, and myself as well.
FEAR will kill you…or large parts of you…every day. It will manifest into anxiety that will cause parts of you to die. You will stop caring about the people you love…because you’re afraid.
True fact. As according to ME. And what happened to ME in MY life.
When you’ve suffered things you can’t make sense of; and you have, or have had trauma in your life…if you’ve carried it with you like a best friend for as long as you could remember; if you’ve masked the pain and hidden from the world and yourself….a lot of what you feel is ALONE.
One of the key things I personally needed to learn; is that, I was NOT, and AM NOT alone.
I CHOSE to remain alone and not seek help….
because I was afraid.
To me, if I didn’t hurt emotionally or physically in some fashion; then I would be, being selfish. I also let people make me feel selfish for loving myself; and I more than not put other people’s needs, in front of my own. And so, because I don’t like that part of me; the selfish part….because she’s riddled with fear and hate; I became compliant…and I hated myself.
When I began to believe that it was possible to heal my mental damage, and control my bipolar…without synthetic medication, or alcohol, I began to come into myself again, and started knowing who I was as a person, based on reason…for the first time.
I am a good person despite my flaws; and I FINALLY know this.
There were many people who showed me reason throughout my journey, along my way.
I thank you, truly…
Sometimes tough love is the only thing that works. Also, when I realized the damage I had caused others….well I needed to fix the parts of me that did that.
I fail sometimes still…..but the people that love me for me, know I put effort towards succeeding now; and I do on more and more occasions lately, because I put the work in.
You can hate me, and judge me all you want to, and say anything you want to about me….I’m OK with that.
The sweetest part about coming to terms with your own truth, is that you’re the only one that has to own it.
People that are not contributing to my positivity and well-being today; I don’t hold stock in. The truth of the matter is… someone that thinks they are better than you, because of the things you’ve done or been through…or haven’t; will most likely never get it, until they start looking at their own short-comings; until something significant causes a rift in them, that can’t be fixed; and they have to look for their own peace.
Judging me, won’t change the fact that I’m OK with me.
Something I’ve learned and worked for, over time, as well.
I don’t live by anyone’s rules but my own. I also hold value in myself, and were I’ve been.
I should be dead.
I wear the scars mentally, externally, and across my face and body daily… MY story; and a life, that I have lived.
Some people want me to feel bad and ashamed about that for the rest of my life. Instead, I talk about my issues and life, so I can heal from within, and help others who have no voice, to heal themselves too.
I’m disappointed that I wasn’t regarded or valued the way I should have been, as a child…because I think if I had been valued more…I might have valued myself more.
But I can’t live in that.
I’m just as disappointed by myself…because I never valued myself. I’m angry that I hurt people I value/valued in my life…because I was living the wrong way, and numb.
I consider who I am today…and I’m OK with her; I’m a more than decent person…and I know it, AND show it.
True; I have a ruthless streak in me, that likes to pop off. I consciously try to avoid situations and surroundings that make her show up.
I have to do that for myself.
I’m glad I stopped drinking. I’m glad I stopped synthetics…every day.
I know, I can be working daily for a goal that I may never fully achieve. I know also, that I can be a good influence on the greater good of things; I already am in many regards, and I know my words resignate with many.
It’s because I wasn’t afraid of being honest about the things I’ve been through.
I owned it.
I don’t love everything in my life at all, or everything that I’ve done in my life; but here’s something I learned, and try to practice daily………………………….
You can choose to change your life for the better at any given moment in time.
And you don’t need anybody else’s permission or opinion about it at all, to do it.
You just need to do it.
It’s not a bad thing to say I’ve had enough of the negative, and the negative self-esteem.
It’s not a bad thing to value yourself, as much as you value others.
It’s not a bad thing to be truthful, and ask for help when you need it.
I remember that, because it IS true.
You can hate me all you want to for any of my past..but that’s not who I am today.
I am sober; 7 months, 4 days.
I am living with conviction and the truth of my reality.
I am worth it.
I’m grateful for that, and that I finally know it.
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME