Look

When people look at you like you don’t matter

Know that you do

You are strong

You are brave

You are loved

You are worthy of the love

Love yourself

You have to or you won’t survive

You are not a quitter

They just want you to be

Don’t look back and don’t give in

Only you can forge your path

You know there is light in the darkness if you look for it

LOOK

J. Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

I am Not Afraid.

I am not afraid of the dark anymore; this is why I can travel through it.

It has made me stronger.

Time.

It heals most things.

But the real healing comes in facing the demons inside.

Ruthless reminders of the past, put upon the shelf of life, where they belong.

You owe it to yourself to live the life that you were given.

Not just give it away to whatever and whoever would take it from you.

Be grateful because it will save your life.

You make your own path in life, no one else. There is hope on the other side of despair. Always. Reach for it.

Be grateful every time you conquer adversity.

Look yourself straight in the eye, and be proud. You deserve to acknowledge that you did not break where you would have before.

There is internal strength and acceptance that comes in that gesture. Grace, healing, courage…so many other things.

Be kind to yourself every day.

In doing that, you can also be kind to others.

You will want to be.

Be the person you needed to be all along.

It spreads to others like a rash.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Thankfulness.

I don’t know what my life holds for me. To be honest I sometimes still feel like I don’t deserve the good things in it, because I’ve taken life for granted (or did), for so long.

It is still hard for me to see the positive in some situations. It still takes practice to be mindful in times of stress.

I am a work in progress and I know it.

I think we all are, really. I think things happen to teach us about ourselves, what we are capable of, and what we can do to become more whole as individuals; *so at the end of it all, we are at peace when we leave this world.

Remembering a school friend that passed yesterday, and his entire family.

It got me to thinking about thankfulness.

This Thanksgiving I am truly grateful for so many things.

I’m grateful that I chose to end my alcoholic cycle for good.

I’m grateful that I have the desire to work every day, to keep it that way.

I’m grateful that I feel like it’s ok to be me.

I’m grateful that I have my beautiful children in my life, and that they are willing to forgive my past, because they believe in our future.

I’m grateful that I have a loving mother, and sisters who have always loved me, even when I was lost.

I’m grateful for my niece.

I’m grateful that I am still able to learn and grow, and that I’m not stuck in my ways, because many of them were not healthy.

I’m grateful that I have wonderful friends who encourage me to live, and listen to me and encourage me when I feel weak inside.

I’m grateful for my animals.

I’m grateful for my job, and the kind of work I get to do for a living.

I’m grateful that I have the desire to keep moving forward….not back.

I’m grateful that I got a chance to know and care about people that are no longer here on this earth; and for the things they taught me about life, love, and the human spirit.

I’m grateful that I have a place to call home, and that I’m ok with being the only one in it.

So many other things as well.

What are you grateful for? What has your story taught you?

There is a light in all of us and every day we are alive, we have the opportunity to share it with others.

I hope that you are grateful for that fact, because it could all end in a moment. This I do know.

This Thanksgiving I will be working.

It may seem corny, but I will be a light for the animals that could not be with their families this holiday. I will be their family.

To me, that is the second best thing, to being with mine.

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving.

Love yourself. Always. Xo

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The patience thing again. Sometimes it’s a daily thing.

So today I’m working on patience with myself and situations, and waiting on reacting if I get frustrated…

Again.

I have to remind myself constantly to wait on reacting, but it is essential for me, I think, to do just that.

Words just come out of my mouth sometimes, and I tend to get highly anxious when I know just thinking through something completely can slow me down. Most times it sounds like barking when it’s really just anxiety. I feel shitty when I get that way too because I know it’s not the best version of me. I feel like I should know better by now.

Still, I know that there will be days….

I’m trying to quell the parts of me that are too unruly. It is definitely a one day at a time process.

This too shall pass…..surely.

I know I will find a happy medium eventually.

I am one year, four months, and twenty-six days sober today, and living life on life’s somewhat bitchy terms.

Hooray. 😏

If I look tired, it’s because I truly am.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peace of ME

I will be a Light.

There is a new-found peace within me.
The struggles are still real, but I am finding my way.
Every day I am grateful for this new understanding, and second chance at life.
I am grateful that I am no longer afraid of living.
I am not my addiction.
I am what I choose to be.

I choose to be Jenni.

I choose to be sober Jenni.

Everything that I do from here on out, directly stems from this fact.

I will DO, instead of not doing.

I will BE, instead of not being.

Every day I will remember where I’ve been; and just how far that I have come.
I will love myself; so that I can love others.

I will be a light in a world of darkness.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Feeling more upbeat again.

Good news is, I’m starting to feel better again. I’m focusing on that, because It’s way better than beating myself up over the fact that I didn’t a few days ago.

I have ongoing mental disorders, and I have to accept that.

I don’t really want to; but let’s get real, already….

Jenni.

It’s not like I’m going around trying to bipolar and PTSD on everyone everyday or do; so I’m definitely going to have to give myself a break regarding my ups and downs. Back-track is going to happen at points because I am human.

I HAVE been extremely stressed. There ARE valid reasons behind it.

It’s going to be alright, even when it doesn’t feel like it; and I know that.

I’m going to be alright.

That’s why I’m bouncing back quicker after the dips nowa’days.

I DO have coping skills in me; and the EMDR therapy, should help me to not dip as much in the future.

I have two calls in currently, to potential therapists. I’m hoping it won’t be a long, drawn-out process; but I also think I have to be patient in all regards, because I also have a feeling that a lot of phone tag is going to be going on before I get an appointment anywhere.

That’s just me being realistic, based on my own knowledge about how the mental health system works.

It’ll be ok. I will find that EMDR therapist; and I will learn even better skills.

I will.

Patience. I will keep on top of it, until I find a therapist….and I am doing it for me.

Nap after work today, instead of painting; because I needed it.

Picked up a double on Sunday; and also starting to make peace with T, finally.

I had to for ME. There’s no sense in focusing on things of the past that cannot be changed…even if they were shitty. Only letting go of the negativity and bitterness of it will heal me in that area; also realizing that I’m not the only one who struggles with demons. I know I’m not.

There will never be the kind of future for us like we planned to have; but a supportive friendship I think is something that is being built again between us, right now. As friends. I believe that that is better for both of us anyways. He will always be important to me; and I can’t deny that fact.

That’s a huge step for me to say that; and we will see. I know it depends on me, just as much as him…and it is what it is……

I’m just making peaces.

Life is funny the way it works, and even funnier when you live inside my head.

I need to put a map up there, complete with “you are here” markers. It would give other people a fighting chance in understanding me; and maybe when I get lost, it’d be easier to find my way back too.

That’s never going to happen; but I AM working on it, every day. 🙂

475 days without alcohol; and knowing that I am on my way to greater things. 🙂

This I know.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of Me

Deal with your anger.

In the simplest form; the best way to explain it; would be to say, that I feel like I am whole, but I am half at the same time.

There are areas of my life that I am thriving in; such as remaining sober; being honest about who I am; that I don’t have it all together, that I’m trying to change the things I need to, to become better; that I’m trying to help others believe in the fact that they CAN change and help them to, in ways that I am capable of; personal career goals and projects that I work on when I have no other obligations; working at my job….things like that.

I’m just hoping this anger in me will go away. Because it’s holding me…back.

It makes me feel completely unwhole.

I think it has for many reasons; for many, many, many years; and I don’t want to deal with it at all…and so I’m out of sorts and floundering…because I know I HAVE to deal with it.

I don’t know how to.

I breathe; but the anxiety is there still. The anger is still there, just under the surface; waiting to come out when the next person challenges me, or the next life-bomb drops.

I’m writing about it, to save my own self from future misunderstandings… to save my sanity.

As messed up as it might feel to admit it; I think something really clicked in me when I realized I was going to be on my own again, and had wasted more years of my life, that felt like… was for nothing; and in most regards I did. I think there’s legit anger there.

I do realize that this is my story, and that that was also my decision to get involved in. I’m Still bitter from it…obviously. Because it changed the course and direction of my life to a place that I was not prepared for; or expecting it to go at all.

This is life, I guess.

But it really hit me, how angry I was about life in general; when my mother told me that my father was dead.

Since the age of 13, I have been beating myself up; over the fact that my fathers’ did not want me.

It has turned to resentment and hatred. It seeps into other areas of my life; and makes me act irrational and overly agressive when I’m feeling threatened.

I don’t want to admit that, but it’s true.

Usually it is word- related only. In written form.

You’ve seen it. Ruthless slues of words that describe what I think at the time; on this blog or my social accounts; and it’s mostly NOT nice.

God help you if you are in my actual space when it happens; you better hope if you’ve hurt me emotionally, that you don’t say any BS. Because I’m not nice at all. I will get physical if I feel like you are up in my space.

Not proud of it at all, either.

I do not like confrontation at all; especially physical. This is why I try to stay away from it directly.

Seems like it’s always around in some way though……Life.

Technically; that’s a fairly straight-forward hypocritical way to be; when your goal is to help others; not hurt them.

Even if it is warranted. Even if I feel like I’m right about the situation. It doesn’t really matter at all; if I can’t cope with the stuff that happens to me in this life; and I act irrational.

I see other people that I have known in my life, on social media; dealing with LIFE or DEATH situations where they might not live another year, another month, or even another day.

I feel tremendous guilt in thinking that my mental issues in any way rival that; and it makes me realize that I have actually taken a step back in my recovery.

It sucks to realize this.

Although I am sober; what’s the point of being sober; if I am at times…acting like a dry- drunk anyways.

There’s a rhectorical period there; because I already know that

There is no point in that at all.

I am not about to revert back to my alcoholism AT ALL.

The only other option I have is to deal with my anger. I must deal with these anger issues I have; or I will never be whole, and I will always feel incomplete…and I will always be alone inside my head….with no way out.

Thank god for my dog Regina and my cat Lolita; because they have been my solice for a bit now.

I looked up my health care benefits, and they have a list of Doctors about a page-and a-half long that I have to go through, to find one that offers EMDR treatment and accepts new patients.

I’m frustrated; because I personally feel they should have the types of therapies they offer also listed under each doctor, and they don’t. It highly increases my anxiety level, as it quadruples the time it will take. I’m going to sift through these doctors right now anyways, before work; because I know I need to learn these skills.

It is the only way I feel like I can get going again…thee only way to be truly happy; I’m sure of it.

I’m positive; I’d say…about 65% of the time.

It is easy to stay positive in certain enviroments.

Not so in others. Bring in uncontrollable factors; and before you know it, you have a bi-polar chick with PTSD writing a storm through her keyboard.

I prefer the rainbows in me; because when I am happy; I spread it to everyone in any way I can.

On the inside; my pain is locked away behind a door that is too small. I can feel the ghosts lapping at my heals; and I’m terrified they will infect me again, and take over for good.

The Jenni I know to be the real Jenni; is NOT going to let that happen.

I am sorry to the people I have hurt with my words and my attitude.

Warranted or not; it is NOT the person I am; or want to be.

All I can do today; is provide this blog to you, and the EMDR link; find a doctor; go to work; DO, not try; and most of all BE KIND.

I hate it when I feel like a shit.

It makes me just the same as everybody else.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

It’s the Fourth again….but a totally different year, for sure.

Happy Birthday America. I hope you will get your shit together soon; for real.

I feel like we should be celebrating the fact that the world has not exploded yet.

I don’t think I’m alone in that either….

Anyhoo…

Last year on the Fourth, I was still with T; and we were just coming off of 3 months or so, sober.

Everything is different this year. In fact, It’s sometimes hard for me to believe; just how much my life has changed since last July.

T and I are no longer together now. I have an awesome job that I love, my own car, my own apartment, a semi- normal working relationship with all three of my remaining children. I am sober; one year, three months, and eight days; today.

What’s there really, to complain about?

I’m longer compromising myself mentally; to be in a relationship that isn’t healthy.

I’m happy about that.

I have true friends that care about me and my life. I can do literally whatever I want to.

Yep.

I guess I’m coming back into myself again; slowly but surely.

That’s a good feeling.

I will be 47 years old in twenty-one days too.

Whaaaaat?

Next chapter is what.

I’m going to Michigan again to see my kids; and hopefully I will also be jumping out of a plane on that weekend as well.

Bucket list. A Birthday present to myself.

A tattoo cover up as well…another gift to myself that has been a long time coming.

The world keeps spinning, doesn’t it?

I’m not going to lie; it’s been super hard at points to acclimate to being alone again…and I have cried at points. I’m still pissed off that I was treated like I wasn’t worth the truth; or valued like I should have been. I am still getting over it in pieces…and won’t be getting into anymore serious relationships in the near future…at all.

I would however, like to find some people to do things with. Like jump out of a plane. 😉 Someone single; with no expectations, other than a friendship and hanging out for right now.

More goals.

At the end of the day, I know I’m ok… and that fact is really what’s keeping me moving forward emotionally, at this point.

I have wonderful people in my life, that have helped me do this; and im so grateful for that fact.

This Fourth has been pretty boring this year (I’ve been cleaning and unpacking); but I’m going to the fireworks by myself anyways.

It will be nothing special. Just me spending time with me; in a group of people.

What could go wrong with that?

Wish me luck; and enjoy your Fourth.

Please do not drink and drive, or blow yourself up….seriously.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of Me

Fifteen months sober. Through.

I’ve realized a lot of stuff about myself today.

Some things clicked that really needed to. That they do for me sometimes; and then I know what to do next.

My hands hurt; but my heart not so much anymore.

I’ve been grieving for a really long time, about a lot of things in my life.

And life is just too short to put people that don’t appreciate me; around me.

I’m not the kind of girl, who will just bend over and take it anymore.

Most are intimidated by the fight in me. Especially when they treat me poorly. That is why I try to be honest about who I am, straight away.

I’m educated. I’m smart. I do suck at Math. I know more about life than a great percentage; and most of the stuff I know of life; has bashed me over the head with nowhere to go but through. I’ve been through it.

I’m through.

When you have depleted every try you have in you over something. When you cannot see any positivity left in something. You must go THROUGH IT.

That includes removing yourself completely from the situation.

That is what I have done. Again.

Currently sitting in my own apartment; tired, and blogging this.

I have an MRI appointment in the morning, and a bed set being delivered before I go to work, in the late afternoon.

A money issue again. Who doesn’t have them; I know.

I’m also not surprised by the reason.

It’s hard to slow down. I was just staring at the moon and wondering why life is the way it is, earlier.

I had to make myself eat; but I am healthy; other than my stress level.

I’m strong. I have a good heart, and a ruthless streak for people that try to bring other people misery on purpose. Especially ME.

I can’t apologize for that.

When someone shows you proof that they have a diagnosed mental condition like PTSD. You should listen, and not think it’s a joke.

I’m done suffering uneedingly; with anything or anyone.

Why stay in that?

And if that means that I will have to struggle more than some in whatever way…well what’s new.

I’m over it.

I’m sober. I have remained that way; because I know it will kill me if I don’t.

The same goes for some people and my PTSD.

People that are spiteful for sport, will always lose with me. People that don’t try to become better people, will always stay miserable; and that’s not something I want for my life; or want to be around; or triggered by any further.

I’m not miserable when im around people who don’t go out of their way to trigger me, and play mind games.

People that do; will just have to listen to what I have to say, until they get the fact that I’m not having it.

OR; I cut them out of my life completely because they completely suck the life out of me, every time I see them.

Who needs it. I don’t.

I’m sober and alive and Jenni.

That’s good enough for ME. For real.

Next chapter please.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

~Disappear Here~

Breathe no matter what.

Staying positive and breathing through anxiety is what I can do EVERY time.

I just got out of work a little while ago. I stopped to clear my mind a bit. Now I’m going home and taking a bubble bath. Then I’ll eat Chinese and watch a movie. My animals are going to love it. (LOL)

I work tomorrow morning at 6:30. Not a day off in sight.

Missing my kids; but knowing everything is fine; and will be somehow.

I’ve been doing a lot of test shots with my camera. I have things I want to work on. I hope that I can find the time to do that; I need a new tripod; so that will happen after work tomorrow.

I can only hope and believe that tomorrow will be great…

Go from there.

It’s maybe not the most glamorous life for me right now; but it is mine.

I am one year, two months, and twenty-two days sober.

EVERY day that makes me smile. 🙂

I hope your Sunday was peaceful; and you kept cool.

{Working for the weekend}, starts tomorrow.

Yeah; I know it’s a Loverboy lyric. It was intentional; and I’ll always be a lyric whore.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME