Uuuuuhh

Grief is a bitch. People expect you to just get over things and be normal, and it just doesn’t work like that.

You have up and down days. It doesnt take much to trigger me, which is why I have a disorder.

Today I am having a bad day, and I feel weak, and really I just want to feel normal.

I wish I could get over my anger.
I’m angry because it’s painful.

Every time I think I’ve made some sort of progress, I realize I haven’t and I go right back to feeling angry again.

I just want something to make sense. All I can see is the last look he gave me.

FML.

On days like this it is hard to love myself. I am trying.

It is raining, and I’m sober.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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Day 6

I think one of the biggest disservices I do to myself, is putting too high of expectations on the people close to me, as well as myself.

I set myself up for disappointment every time. Especially when I should know better by now.

When certain individuals let me down I feel hurt; and if it continues to happen, I harbor resentment and have a hard time letting it go.

I do the same to myself when I let myself down, or others.

I guess I expect a certain level of loyalty and I like to give the same. It’s safe to say that I need to stop expecting this.

Depending on others to do what they say is never a good idea. In fact, I do much better when I detach and focus on just me. Maybe selfish; but beats feeling alone when you are around or with someone. The lack of love I feel from certain individuals is bringing me down tremendously.

It should be there; and it is not. I’m tired of worrying about it and wondering what’s wrong with me.

At least if I let myself down, the only person I have to be mad at is me.

Karter’s D day was this month and I relapsed; after 2 months 22 days. It was a bad, bad night for me and I couldn’t see the light any further. I ended up blabbering to a random acquaintance all my BS.  Because I’m an idiot, and my own worst enemy.

I’ve been sober since, but that’s not the point at all. This whole month has been a dreadful, lonely shit storm.

My PTSD is flaring up and it won’t subside. I went to the psychiatrist today and told him; and all he did was put me on more minipress and tell me that I have to wait a full three months for the Latuda to fully build up in my system; tried to up my Trileptal, which I didn’t want. Fuck these synthetic meds.

I know this will pass, but the lack of being able to share the struggle with anyone whom I love is just making it worse. I guess I’m just too needy; and I wonder if I will always be sick.

OR maybe I just might be human. I don’t know.

Today is day 6 and FML. I’m going to bed.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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70

Blah.

I don’t like wasting my time on things that don’t lead anywhere, but that always seems to be the case.  My tolerance is getting less and less on a daily basis for dealing with these kinds of things, because I know it never leads me anywhere productive. It’s a good thing I realize this; I know. It makes life much easier; but doesn’t make it hurt any less. I just keep trying every day because it’s all I can do.

Lately I decided to start back to school; and I’m glad that’s actually one goal I can work on that will take me somewhere in my future that’s positive.  It’s going well.

The only person I can depend on in the end is myself; and I regret wasting so much time on looking for everything and everyone else to make me whole inside. I can’t not regret this, even though I’ve tried.  I’m confident in the end that all the pieces will fall in line, and I’m actually quite sure that that is also a good thing.

Today was just a really shitty day for me and I’m sure I’ll feel much better tomorrow.

I’m tired; and I am sober. Today is day 70.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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