June 27, 2016

Even though you are scared shitless and don’t think anything is going to be O.K. at all right now; IT’S GOING TO BE O.K.; O.K.?!  Just believe it and make it so. You are a strong person and you can do anything you set your mind to.

You can do it. You have been through, and survived, worse things than this.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds 2016~Peaces of me

He was #1

 

I got married the first time because I didn’t know any differently. I was 20. I was a wild child, a free spirit, and a misguided, misunderstood soul.

I just thought that you were supposed to marry the person who asked you; and so I did. I thought like that because I didn’t think right about anything back then. I had no clue about marriage; only my parents’ marriage, which ended in divorce when I was 14. I didn’t think anyone would want to marry me; let alone ask me to. How ridiculous is that.

It didn’t even matter that he was 16 years my senior at all; and that I had met him at the adult book store I worked at. I thought we were in love.

Classy I know. I’m sure my mother was thrilled with me on many levels.

I was only married for 10 months, had a late term abortion, and it took me six years to get out of the relationship fully afterwards because I worked for him and I was addicted to coke.

Funny the things you remember again, when you can no longer push them down.

That shit’s over with THANK the gods.

LOVE YOURSELF.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

2016-01-27 23.22.33

 

I Will Eat You Alive

Just start at the beginning.

The beginning of what?

The beginning of today.

What happens when I get to the end?

Start over.

All you have is today,  you know.

Or not.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

23

Lemons

It’s not so hard to stay sober.

What’s hard is swallowing the fact of what I’ve done, and what I’ve lost.

I literally gave up everything for nothing; and then spent years free-falling into my addiction, because I was unable to cope with lifes’ circumstances and the fall-out of my own wrong decisions.

When you come back down, and you start to see how life has moved on without you, and you are in the same place as you have been for years.

THAT’S the hard part.

And there’s no one to blame but myself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

Another Tuesday.

I have a therapy appointment today, which I need; because I’ve been acting out and feeling all hostile inside, out of frustration, anger and sadness. It’s not really a very good look on me anymore. I don’t like to escalate to this level.

It brings with it all kinds of unwanted judgement and accusations; and I’m unmotivated as fuck, to boot.

I wish I could have things the way I wanted them and not need to talk out my problems with a rent-a- friend. But I can’t have, and I do need it.

I’m grateful the option is there in my life, because I want to remain sober and moving forward. Two most important things.

Some day this void in me will close up; I hope.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

20151214_184600.jpg
For Maddie, Christmas 2015.

Don’t Count Yourself Out Just Yet.

I’m super worried about going back to Michigan. It’s a cash thing and I have none because I have to live and pay for my living expenses; and finding a safe place to live when I’m all the way in PA with no cash is going to be daunting to say the very least.

I don’t have credit cards.

I have four months to figure it out.

I’m convinced that eventually all this shit I’ve been through and all this stress will be worth it in the end.

I have to succeed and I will; I can’t and won’t let my kids down; OR myself.

I’m still sober and still doing well in school; although I’ll be by myself on the holidays which will suck.

I’m having issues sleeping again and I hate it.

I’m not giving up.

I’m not a quitter.

Night. Xo

J. Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

2015-12-18-01.34.24.png.png

41 days day 1

So I was hoping to feel much stronger than I did today.

I pretty much kept myself busy all day long; it feels very much like what I do when I’m trying not to think about Karter.

I’m consciously aware that I’m trying to preoccupy myself. It is indeed a grieving process.

I’m tense, anxious, pissed off and short. I have no tolerance for trivial things. In fact, I’m taking a break from social media for a while, because I simply can’t bare it right now. It’s just not the same. There is no one I want to spend time on.  Mostly I just see people being idiots, and I don’t want to be one, or even try to be upbeat.  I know it’s just me right now and not fair. I can’t help it.

There’s no one to talk to about politics, music,  gaming, life. I don’t know how your day was or how you’re feeling.

It’s so funny and completely sad.

Thats why it’s messed up. It’s a cycle I have to break. But it’s all I know.  It’s like this. Damage.

Doesn’t matter anyways because I’m the only one who feels it, and it was all a lie. I know this.

Still, I hope I can get stronger and my mind will stop playing tricks on me.  Going to focus more on school.

It’s day 41 sober and day 1 without you; and it sucked. I know I’m not supposed to feel it.

I was told by someone wise… that I should.

Until tomorrow.

Trying to love myself.

J. Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

wpid-2015-11-20-20.55.25.png.png