Moving Forward

You know for the last few days I’ve been feeling kind of down about things in my life that I feel I have no control over.

I decided to look on the upside.

Despite the hardships that may be things that I can’t do anything about right now; there are many things I can do.

I have to remind myself that I can’t just wait around for my life to go a certain way; because that’s just not the reality of the way things work.

I have to take each day as a new opportunity to pursue my goals to the fullest; and not get caught up in the stress of the unknown.

I am changing again.

There was a time way, way back when I was creative; in an artistic sense. I miss it.

I decided as well as school, writing and photography, I will be actively pursuing my art and its’ collective madness, in all forms again.  This includes drawing, painting, sculpting, sewing, and whatever else may stem from it.

I think I left a big part of me behind when I gave these things up for one reason or another. I think if I start doing them again, it would be good for my soul and my emotional state; and just perhaps financially too; who knows. Stranger things have happened.

I just made this decision tonight.

You only got one trip, and you’ve got to enjoy it or it ain’t worth it.

I intend to.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

2015-12-21-00.20.09.png.png

What’s it worth?

I find myself asking a lot, what’s it worth?

How much are you willing to give up to make something work;  to reach your goal; to be happy?

Is it even really a goal at all, or a pipe dream that’ll never come into fruition?

Things change for me on a daily basis it seems. I have given up many things to make certain other things run smoother for myself. It’s good and bad.

Many things I needed to give up. Some things I have not wanted to give up at all but have.

The end justifies the means.

Right?

Idk, but I hope so.

For those I may have hurt along the way…I’m sorry.

It’s Day 70.

I got one of my problems worked out today.  98 to go “and a bitch is one”. I deal with her every day when I look in the mirror.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

201512181812349image.jpg

 

Advocate.

You must advocate for yourself always. You can’t depend on other people to do it for you.

You can’t allow other people to dictate the outcome of your life. You just can’t.

It is your life.

Take control of it and do what you have to do for you.

J.Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

JUMP.

On the edge of it all you stand.
Waiting for the right choice to come.
You can weigh out all the options.
You can make all the plans you want to.
Sometimes there is no clear way, and you must simply jump in and trust that you will be alright.
The edge is somewhere many struggle to walk and that many are accustomed to walking.

It’s up to you to jump.

Will you?

J. Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

92d14be8d4ead2f33e4da45855125dd1.jpg

You Will Succeed

Take every opportunity as it comes.

It’s sometimes hard to break comfort zones for fear of anxiety or failure.

It’s essential to get past this to bring about growth.

There’s nothing to stop time; and circumstance is “iffy”.

Be ready for whatever comes and do the best you can.

Depend on your own strengths.

You will do it.

You will succeed.

J. Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

img_20151207_105721.jpg

I give.

I was dissapointed again this week and I’ve come to the conclusion that some people just don’t think the same way I do.

When I help people, I do it out of the goodness of my heart. You’d generally think that ought to be appreciated. Especially when the reason for helping was basically forced upon me in the first place under false pretenses. I really didn’t have an option, so I helped someone that needed a lot of it.

Not everyone is appreciative. Some people are just takers.

I guess in the end it’s not my loss at all and I will continue to help people when I can because that’s how I am, and I like to. I will only be more careful.

I might be going home to Michigan sooner than I originally thought. I don’t know yet. I have to figure out a lot of stuff, on a budget of virtually nothing.

This whole year of living in Pennsylvania has been one of the biggest learning experiences of my life. I don’t regret it. I’ve met a lot of really good people, and a few who pose as being good, but who are really not.

It’s time to go back to Michigan and love my children.

If I would never have taken the chance to come out here, then I wouldn’t be were I am today, and probably dead.

Today I’m doing pretty ok 🙂

Love yourself. You’re worth it.

J. Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me23108899940_08957ac65a_b.jpg

Light.

When I see the light I feel hopeful.

I know that it’s you.

You’ve kept me going when I didn’t want to.

You pull me out of myself and breathe in your healing; and you never leave my side until I can try again.

You never gave up on me. NOT ONCE.

It was you. I can feel you.

It was you that made me see what I was doing to myself and those I care most about.

It was you that gave me the strength to reach out for help because you knew I was scared.

You also knew I was more afraid of living that lie of a life I had led for so long.

You and G,A and M are the first ones I think about when I wake, and the last ones I see before I drift off.

I used to be afraid of the dreams I had.

It was you that changed that for me.

In every dream I have of you now;

you are walking.

I know you are better now, and I know why you came.

I’m not afraid anymore of the light.

I love you.

J. Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

kart

Thankful: the short version.

I look back at my life over this last year and I see just how far I’ve come. It’s crazy.

Last November, I was really hurting; a complete mess. I was a barely functioning addict/alcoholic. If you want to call it that. I think that’s just me being nice to myself. I was bad. I was trying to keep myself from going off the deep end and ending it all, as I was beyond emotionally and physically ill. I was in and out of a highly emotionally abusive, online relationship. I was not formally diagnosed with PTSD then, only Bi-polar. I was not in any kind of therapy/treatment, or on any kind of medication. I was only self-medicating; and I was doing it too often.

Last year at this time, I had just moved to this new state (PA) on a whim to try to find some sort of  healing and new, better opportunities for myself. Four days after getting here, I was forced to move into a complete stranger’s house after being raped by the man I originally came to help; because I had no other option.

I was without a plan B. No money. No apt. No car. No job. No nothing.

I don’t feel bad for admitting it, because it is true. I had nothing, and I felt like a nothing; EVERY DAY. I had NO hope at all.

Those are a totally different set of stories that I won’t go into now, but at a later date.

This was one year ago……..

 

Today, I feel like a totally different person.

I’m formally diagnosed now with PTSD.  I’m on medicine, in therapy, in school, have a small job for extra money. I have a car I can use whenever I want; my own apartment. My health is decent.  The Number one thing is that I’m sober, and working every day to stay that way. I don’t take my sobriety for granted. I actively try every day to be well.

I’ve opened up and started to talk about my life through my writing, in hopes of helping others that struggle. I have let go of my abusive relationship, and the hold it had over me. I am starting to form good habits and positive self-talk, instead of negative.

I will be moving back to be with my children, and start to repair those relations  in April.

I am hopeful.

I still have my bad days and I still struggle with some emotions; it’s a given. I’m not “magically better”.  But I am finally starting to do some of the things I set out to do; and I am accomplishing goals I set for myself.  I know that no matter what happens, I will be OK. It’s as if a lot of the weight of the past has been lifted off of me; the fog is starting to lift; and the rainbow is coming out again.  I’ve learned so much, and I have never been more motivated to learn more. I am proud of myself for putting in the work I had to; to find my way through the dark times and back to reality again. It has all been worth it. I was worth it.

People that know me and are close to me, know what I’ve been through; and they can see it.  My mother just told me tonight how proud of me she was, and I cried.

This was probably the most beautiful gift she could have ever given me. She just said it out of the blue and meant it.  I’ve always wanted to hear those words from her, and it made me really happy.

It makes me want to try harder.

I know if I can stay sober, I can do just about anything I want to do in life.

Helping others will be my main goal, just as people helped me.

I know life sometimes may seem horrible and hopeless; but it doesn’t have to be that way if you don’t want it to be.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

strong

 

 

WORDS 2.0

It’s the words you say to me that are hurtful.

Words can draw you together with someone; or words can create a huge massive rift that divides and cannot be fixed.

All I have are your words. All I have are the words you have said to me. It may seem trivial to you, but they are all that I have.

They hurt. Every loving word or thing you have said to me is completely wiped out with one spiteful,  hateful comment. Especially when it continues to happen.

Words once spoken cannot be taken back.

The damage is done.

I grew up in that. I’ve spent a good majority of my life living in that. I do not want that for myself any longer. I can’t.

You wake up one day; you scrape yourself off the floor again; you try to find the light…the hope….

But all you see is the door.

You muster every ounce of strength to go through it because you don’t want to at all. You do because it’s the only way you can be healthy, and you know it.

I wonder what it could have been like if things would have been different.

But I know this is the end.

” I will never get over you- but I will get used to it”.

Yes.  No other option now.  You made it that way.

I will see you in every moon and star.

    J. Rounds (c)2013 ~Peaces of Me

MOUTH