Lemons

It’s not so hard to stay sober.

What’s hard is swallowing the fact of what I’ve done, and what I’ve lost.

I literally gave up everything for nothing; and then spent years free-falling into my addiction, because I was unable to cope with lifes’ circumstances and the fall-out of my own wrong decisions.

When you come back down, and you start to see how life has moved on without you, and you are in the same place as you have been for years.

THAT’S the hard part.

And there’s no one to blame but myself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

My Skin is Crawling

My total disdain for pretty much anything social media at this point, and any and all drama or fake BS, has lately got me thinking I should really just buy a yurt, disappear into the wilderness somewhere, and get on with my crazy cat lady self already.

I’m tired of everyone and everybody. I’m tired of trying to be positive when I’m not at all. I’m not positive at all about anything. What’s there to be positive about? When I care it does absolutely nothing.  If I could go to sleep and not wake, well.. that’d be just hunky dory with me.

That is so true too. Yeah sobriety. (Y)

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

Another Tuesday.

I have a therapy appointment today, which I need; because I’ve been acting out and feeling all hostile inside, out of frustration, anger and sadness. It’s not really a very good look on me anymore. I don’t like to escalate to this level.

It brings with it all kinds of unwanted judgement and accusations; and I’m unmotivated as fuck, to boot.

I wish I could have things the way I wanted them and not need to talk out my problems with a rent-a- friend. But I can’t have, and I do need it.

I’m grateful the option is there in my life, because I want to remain sober and moving forward. Two most important things.

Some day this void in me will close up; I hope.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

20151214_184600.jpg
For Maddie, Christmas 2015.

Affirmations. Because I Need to Focus on Today.

Live for things you know to be true and real. This idea of “what could have been” is drowning you. Never was; never could be.

Focus on those who want to be in your life and show it. You do the same; it matters most.

You have more to offer than some people will ever see; that doesn’t mean you’ll never get anywhere, or you’ll never be happy, and that you don’t deserve to be.

Forward is the only direction that’s going to get you anywhere.

You know the drill.

J.Rounds (c) 2016 ~Peaces of Me

fb_img_1453140918888.jpg

 

 

Opportunities.

Never stop believing in yourself and your abilities.

For the past seven-and-a-half years, (three years you’ve really seen) I have been struggling to find myself; to heal;  and to get my life back to the point that I could feel as though I was actively moving forward, and not two steps forward and a million steps back.

I have actively pursued any avenue I could find to keep myself alfloat and not sinking; even though I struggled very badly, and drifted in and out of moments of complete madness and despair many times; and it showed fully.

I’m not dead yet.

I told myself many lies and half-truths at first: but I became willing and wanting to change for the better. I was formally diagnosed and properly medicated. I knew that I was meant for more than the life that I was leading. I wanted to stop hurting myself, my children, and sabotaging my dreams and hopes for a better future; just because I was grieving and strung out on different things, and drinking too much on a consistent basis.

I was tired of it.

I have not followed the mainstream at all; learned almost everything the hard way. I made some really bad choices because I was niave and flat-out stupid. I suffered major scrutiny and abuse from many people all over the internet for it too. It fucking sucked.

Be the change.

During this time I have been networking tirelessly and I never stopped believing that I’d find some avenue, that would allow me a chance to show what I had to offer, in a legitimate way.

Many people have or have tried to take advantage of me in this time period. Many people told me I would never amount to anything, and that I should get a “real” job and stop being lazy.

I never gave up believing in myself.

Don’t give up.

I believe I’ve found such an avenue that will back me so that I can promote many things I’ve wanted to do for a long time.

I was contacted tonight.

I do not want to jinx it, but I’m excited.  It is in the fetal stages as of yet; but it is a real, legitimate project now; It’s going to happen. Which is something that wasn’t true just this morning.

I have a lot of work to do and things to get together;  but I’m great under pressure and I will have some actual guidance and funding which is what I have needed. And that’s all I’m going to say.

People can say whatever they want about me.  I really don’t care at all at this point.  This is another goal I have met for myself and the next goal is making the project happen. It may not be a worldwide, multi-million dollar thing; but it’ll be mine, I’ll control it, and I know I can make it successful if I try hard enough. That works for me.

I want to be able to provide for myself and my children like everybody else does, and be able to do what I want creatively in the process. I want to be an actual productive person, live to my fullest potential, and be happy. Just like you.

I will be.

THIS IS ME.

This is day 81 and I feel freaking fantastic and hopeful.  I’m doing really good in school too; pulling an A in this photography class as well. I’m stoked about it and proud of myself.

You just can’t take that away from me if you tried.  I deserve this break.

It’s about time.

Love yourself.  You are worth it.

J.Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

20151226_111021_20151226113333462.jpg

Pretty Good Year 2015

I ‘ve decided as years go, this is definitely the year I have most changed; and it’s for the better.

This year has been full of pain, confusion and hopelessness.

It has also been a year of personal growth, spiritual repair, and knowledge of what I needed to do for myself to move forward in my life. I’ve learned a lot and how to finally start loving myself.

I can’t say that’s a bad thing.

I went from being everybody elses’ girl; to ME. I thought I had lost me forever.  I found her hiding in the same old place she always was, and I finally boarded up that spot and built a brand new spot for her to inhabit.

It was costly and a lot of hard work. She still tries to visit the old spot sometimes because it’s familiar; but she knows the new place suits her much better.

With reminders to herself, soon her new place will become a permanent home. It’s nice there. 🙂

For what it’s worth, I poured out my soul on this blog because I wanted to be well; and I wanted the people closest to me to finally know me, flaws and all. I’ve hid for a very long time. I’m no longer doing that, and it has been worth it all.

I hope to continue on on this blog, and maybe really make a difference some day with my words; so people know that they are not alone in feeling alone, their addictions, and their mental issues that they have to struggle and deal with on a daily basis.

Never the less those are dreams for the future and as always expect nothing less than me in full, because that’s all I know how to be anymore.

Thank you to anyone that’s ever had faith in me, believed in my journey and supported me through it.  I’m still on that journey. I want you to know I appreciate it very much; I really do.

I said I’d have no regrets this year and I don’t at all. 2015 has been my best year to date; I plan on continuing to move forward and doing even more next year.

Never give up trying to heal yourself or be your own best friend.  Because if you do give up, no one can ever love you enough, and you will constantly be spinning in uncertainty. You don’t want to do that to yourself; trust me.

Take it from someone that’s been there for most her life.

Love yourself.  You’re worth it.

J. Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me.

~Pretty Good Year~

2015-12-26-02.21.18.jpg.jpg

 

Stop.

The things we will tell ourselves to keep From feeling the finality of

A realization.

Caught in a loop.

Wanting to stop time to freeze The moment,
As to keep it from
Coming or going.

It seems rather stupid to continue on in
The same fashion as before.

It also makes me realize
That it will be an unbearable and
Constant hollow feeling inside
If I do not.

Wanting what
I cannot have.

Caught in a loop.

Stop.

The things we will tell ourselves

To keep from feeling.

J. Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

fb_img_1450723154694.jpg

Moving Forward

You know for the last few days I’ve been feeling kind of down about things in my life that I feel I have no control over.

I decided to look on the upside.

Despite the hardships that may be things that I can’t do anything about right now; there are many things I can do.

I have to remind myself that I can’t just wait around for my life to go a certain way; because that’s just not the reality of the way things work.

I have to take each day as a new opportunity to pursue my goals to the fullest; and not get caught up in the stress of the unknown.

I am changing again.

There was a time way, way back when I was creative; in an artistic sense. I miss it.

I decided as well as school, writing and photography, I will be actively pursuing my art and its’ collective madness, in all forms again.  This includes drawing, painting, sculpting, sewing, and whatever else may stem from it.

I think I left a big part of me behind when I gave these things up for one reason or another. I think if I start doing them again, it would be good for my soul and my emotional state; and just perhaps financially too; who knows. Stranger things have happened.

I just made this decision tonight.

You only got one trip, and you’ve got to enjoy it or it ain’t worth it.

I intend to.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

2015-12-21-00.20.09.png.png