Be Strong.

Since my son passed, my mother always tells me when we talk, that I am a such a strong person. 

Many times I feel like I let her down, because I don’t really feel so strong sometimes.

I wish I had a way to find the strength tonight, because I need some.  It still surprises me just how bad those kicks to the gut really hurt…and it shouldn’t by now at all. Perhaps it’s because I thought I was worth more than that to you… Perhaps it’s because I’ve known for a while now that I’m not, just by your actions.  This is my life, not a game.

I do know though, through my own personal struggles, that sometimes you just have to accept the fact that there are some instances that cannot be understood or fixed, and you have to move forward anyways.

I can only control myself, and I don’t have to put up with people hurting me anymore… and I WON’T.

At any rate, staying sober is the only thing on my agenda tonight because I am not about to Fuck my life completely up again.

I’m staying sober for ME tonight. And ME alone. At least I give a shit enough to be honest about that and with the ones I love. 

Today marks a month sober for me. 

I’m pissed off, and I’m out of herbal medication, so my anxiety is rocketing. 

I do not know what tomorrow will be, but tonight I sit in the cemetery and think of my son.

He would be 12 this year. May 3rd…7 days away.

Something I cannot understand or fix…It haunts me still.

Have a good night. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

        Dissappear Here

Fortune Comes…

I feel fortunate again today for many reasons.

I talked about my son’s passing tonight with a good friend, and didn’t  lose my shit. Although I still have the bad days, and I still see and remember those final hours and moments playing in my head; I didn’t cry tonight. The bad days seem to be getting fewer and further in between.  That’s a solid step for me in knowing that I’m starting to process Karter’s death in a healthier way. Before it would have set me back for a good three days or so for sure, and I would be in tears most of that time, unable to do much of anything but maybe FB. (Don’t act like you’re surprised)

I’m happy for the change this day.

I also decided on a new plan for the cats I’m fostering. Originally I was going to keep a kitten, and find a place for momma. This just isn’t looking like it’ll work; so instead I’m keeping momma (Lolita) and that way she will have vet care, love, and a proper home. (Poe is already shitting his cat pants) I will find the other kitty a home with someone else. The other two are spoken for, but I’m certain I can find Vinny a good home too. I’m glad to have decided this, because it was really weighing on my mind something horrible. Winter is coming, and for many other reasons. I decided also that when I get a car this Summer, I will either volunteer or get a job related to helping with the animal clinic here in my county. It seems silly not to at this point; I have lots of love and patience to give.

I am one month, 5 days sober as of this day. I also have wonderful, caring people in my life that love me for who I am inside and support my growth.

It sounds simple maybe, but these things together equal out to be a successful day for me.

Every day I learn that I’m really not as undeserving and stupid as I originally thought. I learn that I’m actually pretty smart, and I’m  actually a pretty decent and cool person to engage with and know.

It’s progress, and it means something.

Only thing that could make it better would be to see my kids.

Time, patience, and further growth will bring me closer I know.

I am grateful to be alive, and that I can go to sleep knowing tomorrow I will wake up and feel just as fortunate.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Live, Love, Laugh

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Today has been a wonderful day for me, because I decided it would be.

I’ve talked to a lot of people I care about and needed to catch up with, but haven’t. I’m currently two days in with the not smoking thing (patches on), and it’s going great and I’m proud of myself. I’m on track with school. I’m healthy and alive and sober.

I have a lot to be grateful for.

Lately, my head was really being consumed with things it ought not to be consumed with. It was stalling me, and holding me back. I finally decided that I should probably  start making an effort to put out as much as I *receive, and spending time on people who actually deserve it and love me; as it should be.

I’m happy to be moving on in my life finally. I am really focusing on making the changes still needed.

I am in full-speed ahead mode; and at this point, I can’t see myself stopping.

I’m hoping soon that I can prove to my ex-husband, that’s it’s safe to let me talk to my children again…because I really miss them and I have to work on those relations. My kids are all I have, and I don’t have them now. I need them. I need to at least have the communication open to try.

My ex-husband is a good father, a sensible man, and I know he knows this.

In time.

For now, I’m getting through this day with a smile on my face. It is genuine, and not forced. 🙂

I feel the changes happening in me every day, and I just know things will be happy and fulfilling in the end for me; if I just don’t stop moving forward. I’m actually really excited. I needed this latest series of events to happen, to get my ass back in actual reality again.

Today was an excellent day.

This is my story, and I’m writing it daily as I go along.

Love yourself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Trip to Philly. August, 2016

So I went to Philly for a Coldplay concert, and the trip was awesome. It was a beautiful day, and lovely clouds. I didn’t really get to see much else as my girlfriend wasn’t feeling well because of the humidity.  I did manage to get these shots just the same. I will be returning for sure.

J. Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

June 27, 2016

Even though you are scared shitless and don’t think anything is going to be O.K. at all right now; IT’S GOING TO BE O.K.; O.K.?!  Just believe it and make it so. You are a strong person and you can do anything you set your mind to.

You can do it. You have been through, and survived, worse things than this.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds 2016~Peaces of me

Excursion

Basically I’m going to go out today and see where I end up. Taking camera with.

I’m in Texas; pretty much by myself, so there’s no reason at all to stay inside.

It’s finally stopped raining.

I don’t even care what happens at this point, as long as I’m not just sitting around here.

What an excellent day for an exorcism.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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He was #1

 

I got married the first time because I didn’t know any differently. I was 20. I was a wild child, a free spirit, and a misguided, misunderstood soul.

I just thought that you were supposed to marry the person who asked you; and so I did. I thought like that because I didn’t think right about anything back then. I had no clue about marriage; only my parents’ marriage, which ended in divorce when I was 14. I didn’t think anyone would want to marry me; let alone ask me to. How ridiculous is that.

It didn’t even matter that he was 16 years my senior at all; and that I had met him at the adult book store I worked at. I thought we were in love.

Classy I know. I’m sure my mother was thrilled with me on many levels.

I was only married for 10 months, had a late term abortion, and it took me six years to get out of the relationship fully afterwards because I worked for him and I was addicted to coke.

Funny the things you remember again, when you can no longer push them down.

That shit’s over with THANK the gods.

LOVE YOURSELF.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

2016-01-27 23.22.33

 

some thoughts.

So lately I’ve been preoccupied with school, and stuff that takes my mind off the fact that I still have some things to work towards.

Real life.

I feel like I’m finally starting to move forward in general; and so you’d think I’d be excited more than I am.

I don’t feel much of anything, but perhaps gratefulness.

True.

I still have some things to work towards.

Vacation in two weeks to Texas.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

 

6

Lemons

It’s not so hard to stay sober.

What’s hard is swallowing the fact of what I’ve done, and what I’ve lost.

I literally gave up everything for nothing; and then spent years free-falling into my addiction, because I was unable to cope with lifes’ circumstances and the fall-out of my own wrong decisions.

When you come back down, and you start to see how life has moved on without you, and you are in the same place as you have been for years.

THAT’S the hard part.

And there’s no one to blame but myself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me