I enjoy days like this….where I can get up and feel like, even if the world is falling to shit around me, I’m still going to do my thing and have a good day.
I never felt this way when I was hungover.
Gotta’ say I prefer it, I really do.
It’s a Friday. In the recent past, I would consume alcohol to try to ease the anxiety of being in environments I didn’t fit into so well. I really did not fit in, and I felt it. So stupid to be even worrying myself with it at all, at this age. It was a ridiculous routine… Every Friday/Saturday. It was a choice; my choice. I would put myself in the situations because I wanted to be like everyone else. I would drink to not care…like everyone else.
Now that’s smart. Pfff. I know better. I’m an alcoholic. So that is stupid.
I removed that whole equation and enviroment out of my life big time, because it’s best for me and my future, and for the people I love.
I am not like everybody else.
I can’t drink because eventually I have lapses that are not good or healthy…or safe.
I know this.
Maybe that is the end result; really reaching the point of knowing and understanding my cycles and triggers, and wanting to stay away from that side, because it kills me and everyone around me. I do. I’m tired of hurting people. I’m tired of never achieving anything.
I certainly very well could go drink tonight. But truly I’d feel like crap thee entire time, because I already know the outcome and end result of it all….
It is feeling and being alone because you are. It is losing everything and everyone important to you, because you will…again. It is the hopeless desperation of just being tired of life, of being numb to everything. It is hurting the people you love…dissappointing them more.. .Because you’re a self-destructive, selfish, hurting broken shell of a person that wants to die a miserable death and will no matter what it costs you or what it costs others? NO.
I don’t want that….Ever again.
NOT WORTH IT.
Everybody hurts. Suck it up. Don’t hide behind a bottle.
I won’t go backwards again, and I refuse to.
Today on this Friday, I remind myself again; because it keeps me strong…and I’m not ashamed about it either anymore. I can’t be.
So this is my addiction Today. I don’t want to drink. When I talk about alcoholism not defining me, It’s because I know if I’m strong and I don’t drink, I win in the end…and it won’t define me. I won’t let it.
It’s not a choice to be an alcoholic, But it is a choice to be an active one. Functioning or not…like everything else.
I know this. I know this because I live it every day. I know I can’t drink and function productively, and so I won’t.
Today I feel good and I feel alive and I am sober. I’m in a good enviroment and a decent relationship with someone that also wants to be healthy with me, and for me. We will most likely spend the weekend outside, and in each other’s company, living life without being hungover and miserable…living life like it was meant to be lived.
Eventually I know if I stick to my guns and walk the line, the good things I wish for with my future regarding my dreams and family and life will come.
I love these days. I can hear the birds singing and I know it’s going to be O.K.
I hope for more days like this.
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME