June 27, 2016

Even though you are scared shitless and don’t think anything is going to be O.K. at all right now; IT’S GOING TO BE O.K.; O.K.?!  Just believe it and make it so. You are a strong person and you can do anything you set your mind to.

You can do it. You have been through, and survived, worse things than this.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds 2016~Peaces of me

You Will Succeed

Take every opportunity as it comes.

It’s sometimes hard to break comfort zones for fear of anxiety or failure.

It’s essential to get past this to bring about growth.

There’s nothing to stop time; and circumstance is “iffy”.

Be ready for whatever comes and do the best you can.

Depend on your own strengths.

You will do it.

You will succeed.

J. Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

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I DID IT.

I should have more faith in myself.

I know I can do anything I put my mind to, but it just wasn’t actually clear to me until I met my first goal tonight.  I DID IT.

AND I did it WELL.

I’m sober and I’m pulling a four point. And this was an A+ this time.

Final grades

There are some things in my life that could be better.  Financially I’m really struggling; but my rent is paid this month and I have food in my tummy.

My health could be better.  I think I will have to get my uterus removed and I am scared; but I am hopeful that it will not be cancer and I am SOBER.

That has to count for something.

It does to me and that’s all that matters.

I’ll worry about it as it comes.

I’m really proud of myself tonight on many levels.

I should have more faith in myself.

 J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

Disappear Here

2

Safety is a 6 Letter Word

If I had one wish for myself, I think it would be to feel safe. I never have felt that way, not even when married; I am always just on the edge of calm and nervousness.

It would be nice to some day be able to drift over into the full calm mode and not constantly be looking over my shoulder or sleeping with one eye open.  I guess that’s why I fight sleep so hard and have to take this Minipress for my dreams.

It sucks to need medication to be normal, and it scares me to know I won’t be without it; and that I will have to depend on it the rest of my life. It is something I struggle with for various reasons; and I wish I wouldn’t think about it so much. I am sure I can manage to fake normalish without it; its the “for how long” part that scares me most.

It’s the only thing that makes me sleep completely. And the only time I really feel safe because I can’t feel anything at all.

Ha! It’s the truth, how messed up is that? Rhetorical.

Today was kind of a messed up day for me because I had a lot to deal with. But I managed to stay sober, and I’m confident I’m on the right path to staying that way.  Again.

“Love Without Limits, Fight Without Fear.”   It is my personal mantra that is tattooed on my arm; and I am living it literally every, single, day.

I can do it, I know I can. Maybe I wasn’t meant to feel safe. Maybe this is all one great, big, giant dream and I’ll wake up. I don’t know.

I have to believe it’s for something.

Until tomorrow, love yourself; you are worth it.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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Day 11

I decided I owe it to myself to start building up my self-esteem some more.

I get stuck in these ruts and it’s because I just don’t try hard enough or allow myself to have any of the things I actually need to feel whole inside.

I don’t think I deserve them and I have to stop this way of thinking. It slows me down.  My therapist said this very thing to me today.

I can’t change my past, and I also can’t wish for things with certain people that will never happen.  It’s just pointless.

I’ll be writing more on this blog and focusing on my school work, writing, and photography.  I’m going to try to build up other aspects of my life as well like myself and what I want to achieve mentally, health and body-wise; my kids and how I will make the trip back home for good successful, so I can repair our relationships and be a healthy influence in their lives; working on thinking positive thoughts about myself and actually keeping a steady, healthy self-esteem, because I know it is essential for my recovery.

I suffer from bi-polar depression, PTSD, and addiction and it is hard.

I am sober today and I’ve found that to me, it is the little things to most other people that matter most to me.

I never take for granted anything anymore because it can literally change in the blink of an eye.

I am going to start again and take my own advice and love myself, because I am worth it.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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Knowing vs. Rabble

Refuse to listen to other people who don’t even know you; try to tell other people how you are, based on what they’ve heard from second-hand information only.

It’s a BS way of avoiding a direct conversation with you; and plain gossip to spread because it takes the attention off of their own shortcomings and tries to place it on you.

PERIOD.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

Be you

You know, the biggest gift I ever gave myself was to allow myself to fully be me without any remorse or apologies.

I used to apologize for every single thing I did, to the point that it was annoying. I got SO used to listening to others tell me I was a fuck up and what I should be; I felt SO bad about myself as a person, that I started apologizing for things I didn’t even have anything to do with just in case; and just because.

That’s completely annoying to most people when someone is like that by the way; TRUE FACT. After a while it just gets old, and people don’t want to be around you anymore.

I’ve always been crazy and outspoken. I know I always say this, but you can ask anyone that knows me from back in the day. I’ve always been a geek and into different things that others usually find odd. I’ve always been nerdy.  I’ve always been snarky and sometimes bitchy. I’ve always had an artistic flair that’s carried over into the things I did or how I dressed and expressed myself. (these last years very heavily my personal appearance); But that’s just always been me.

I always felt the need though, to somehow stifle it to a level that was “more tame”. I didn’t want to offend people; I wanted to “fit in”; I wanted to make sure people liked me. My self-esteem was SO low, that I literally couldn’t handle it if someone didn’t. There were still people that didn’t like me, obviously, because it’s life. It would always secretly devastate me inside though.

After a while, living like that got really, really old too; for real.

I just decided one day; after my entire relationship was made public, including my personal, private pictures on the biggest social media site in the world; that I was going stop caring, and start doing me. It was time to finally start living, and stop masking my insecurities and who I was as a person from everyone; because that’s what I was doing. It was my starting point.

I could have crawled into a hole and died, I really could have. Instead I decided to turn absolutely everything public, for everyone to see. Fish bowl. For a long, long, time I struggled publicly, as a lot of my friends from school and Facebook saw. Everyone could see it, if they stopped by. It was very hard at times; I won’t lie. There were some days that I literally wanted to off myself because I was so ashamed of being me and my behavior at times, and my behavior in the past. I defended those behaviors, until I no longer could. I knew I was busted and messed up. That’s one of the things about being totally public; you pretty much have to fess up to everything and it’s hard to hide your flaws.

But I stuck to it.

SO many people would come to me and say “Jenny what are you doing?”  I just kept doing it; keeping everything public, no matter how I felt. It started to feel normal after a while. It IS normal to me now.

Eventually I started to really change inside and grow; and others were seeing it and then they started coming to me and telling me their struggles. I didn’t even realize it was taking place, I was just doing it.

I just started being ME, and in doing that, I started to help other people, feel free to be themselves as well; and they were telling me that.

I mean, how freeing; to FINALLY be able to be myself, and not be scared anymore! It’s an amazing feeling to have.  PLUS, I was also inadvertently helping others, by sharing MY struggles. I didn’t even know it.That’s when I realized that I could let the love I had in me, OUT. I decided to start this blog finally, after talking about it for a million years. I decided to actually get sober and go back to school. These are all things I did on my own; I’m the one doing the work still; and I’m actually succeeding.  This is one of the first times in my life that I can remember, that I actually feel confident and positive, that I can do anything at all I set my mind to, (short of becoming a Victoria’s Secret super model) Haha.

What I realized is this:

There’s ALWAYS going to be someone better or someone that doesn’t agree with me. Always. There’s always going to be someone younger; someone smarter; someone prettier; someone with a better body; bigger boobs; better ass; someone more fortunate than I am; someone wealthier; someone funnier; someone better at math; someone that travels more just because and knows more Star Wars trivia (you think?); the list literally goes on and on. and the NUMBER ONE thing is; There will ALWAYS< ALWAYS< ALWAYS< ALWAYS be someone, that’s going to have something to say about it that’s negative. ALWAYS.

POINT IS:

Am I going to go the rest of my life comparing myself to these people?  NO. NEITHER SHOULD YOU. Just because your story or situation or what your personal appearance is, or your orientation or any of those things is, doesn’t match what others or society says it should be; it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with it, or YOU.

It’s pretty easy to know basic right from wrong when you think about it (I’m talking integrity level); but everything else is pretty much open for interpretation, ACCORDING TO YOU.

I see a lot of people that act just the way I used to and it hurts me. Because I know what it feels like to struggle with yourself, and to try to make everybody else happy. I’m here to tell you, DON’T BUY INTO IT; It’s a trap; and you’re trapping yourself. You’re never going to be happy until you stop comparing yourself to everybody else and what they want you to be. It’s just a fact.

The sooner you start embracing your weaknesses and flaws, and making peace with them; the sooner you’re going to see that it doesn’t matter what everybody else thinks; the sooner you will start to change your weaknesses and flaws for YOU.

We all have things that we struggle with. We all have things we wish could change about ourselves, and things we wish we were, or could do.  BUT it’s better to be the best version of yourself to yourself, than is to be the best version of what someone else wants or says you should be.

I don’t know if anybody is going to read this, or if it’s going to help anyone.  But this is what I’VE learned, as a late bloomer, over the 44 years of my life.  I’m really hoping someone will read this and NOT waste their life like I did; because you have in you the potential to be absolutely anything you want to be, whatever that is; if you would just love yourself.

I hope you will start today; because before you know it, it will become normal to think of yourself in a loving way; just as you think of others you love.

Love yourself.  You are most definitely worth it.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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