Sometimes when I think I can’t get much more tense, or my anxiety can’t get much worse; it does, and I then have to write.
Writing helps me to stay sober and to focus; and mainly it’s a tool I use for all-around self-healing; hence this blog.
I free-write a lot.
It helps when I feel overwhelmed; or just need a friend that will never let me down, and is always there…to just listen.
When I go back and read the things I’ve written, I can re-think it through again; find self-validation; and find things that can help me become a better person. Sometimes it’s really embarrassing to know I’ve said (written) some of the things I’ve said (written), or I feel too exposed…
But I know I’m not the only one out there that struggles with life, addictions, and personal flaws…and wants to not struggle with it anymore; or the only person that feels like sometimes things just get to be too much, and you just need to put it out there, and hope that some good will come of it; or you won’t want to still fling yourself off a bridge after you’re done.
So for me it’s worth it. It’s worth anything you might personally think about my story as well…
As long as you’re thinking.
I hope some day my children will read it; know that I loved them, and always remember to love themselves most of all; because it matters.
I hope they will not ever go down my road. I hope they will never have these kinds of personal issues in their life. I hope it will help them to really know me as a person inside.
I feel like it’s one of my only avenues of actually explaining myself, for who I am; to them.
I hope they can see me grow into a better person, and they will be proud of me some day.
That’s what I want.
I am not giving up on my children.
If this is all I can do to redeem myself for my faults as a person; in the end, it will be worth it to me.
At least there’s a running record of progress, although it may be small, and not up to my personal standards sometimes.
I struggle a lot with myself because I know that I’m not easy to understand; I have legit issues that can ruin me quickly if I’m not smart about it, and walk the line; I haven’t been so smart in the past at all; and it’s hard to be respected when you have hurt a lot of people that you shouldn’t have, and have slowly ruined your life, and parts of other people’s lives as well.
I admit that I’m a fuck up; and for me; admitting it, is a direct way to try to fix it….or do the best I can to. I don’t know where I’m gonna’ end up, but I’m actively participating in my life now; and I actually care about moving forward to a place of full-time, genuine self-acceptance, and becoming a positive role- model for my kids.
I have to say that it just feels like people expect me to take whatever crap they throw at me, and accept it and deal with it, without being able to actually have an emotion or some kind of counter about what I personally am feeling about it.
Seriously, I get that I may seem smug or bitch, or too sarcastic at times; but like do I have an actual right to be able to feel the way I feel without it being wrong?
I get SO tired of having to accept everything in the world, just because that’s the way it is.
Yeah, I drop the F-bomb probably too much in general.
This is an adult blog.
I have come to terms that some things are never going to be, the way I want them to be.
I fucked it up.
That still doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have feelings about things.
OR that my feelings aren’t valid.
I’m not taking shit from people just because they think I deserve it.
I‘m not putting myself in situations, where the only outcome is hurt for me; or certain faliure… anymore.
I can’t do it.
I control my enviroment as much as I can.
I don’t know if it’s a flaw or not. I think it’s a blessing and a curse at times.
I really can’t help it that I need direction or validation sometimes on things I am uncertain about. I do think it’s part of my disease. I lack certain things in me, I am trying to stop that. I think I was born with something missing in me sometimes, but perhaps that’s just me, being ME again.
Clear and direct, is easy for me to understand. Assumptions and hypocrisy, up in the air, ignoring me….not so much. (Even though I admit I am all of it sometimes, even though I try not to be.) Mostly, and especially lately, I think it’s because I’m always afraid I’m going to mess it up more; and so I want a valid starting point or clarification, so I can deal accordingly, and not mess it up. I want clear direction on certain things. A working plan…something to go on.
It makes sense to me.
I can’t ever seem to get it.
I was thinking the other day, just how much money I had spent on alcohol in general over the course of my life; and then after I came to Ohio; and it’s just ridiculous and sad.
It sucks SO bad to be almost 46 years old and know I could be somewhere completely different in my life, had I made better choices, and not looked for quick fixes to take the pain away.
I could have saved my children from my trauma. I worry that they will have problems later on in life, and turn to substances to solve them; because of me; and the fact that I have subjected them to my sickness through DNA and direct contact.
I would say I unwillingly subjected them, but there is that selfish part of me that makes that statement not true.
Although I knew I was having issues with my mental health after my son passed, I chose to mask MY pain, instead of dealing with it, and my kids got to see their mom, falling down drunk, loaded up on pills, and completely fail at being a functioning, healthy role-model and mother.
I could have killed my other two kids on legal medication that I was prescribed and alcohol, because I was driving around.
The hurt I carry is so intertwined, from SO many things…and I just wonder how I ever let it get so far out of hand.
My son had passed tragically.
It’s no excuse…and I know it.
Like how could I be that person? It’s like there’s another person inside of me that just takes over, and she comes when I’m drinking, highly stressed, or in fight or flight mode.
I don’t like her at all.
I don’t like to feel this way inside.
I am glad that I made the choice to stop drinking, and to start seeing myself for who I actually was and am now.
I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life, and I’m a prime example of how you can lose yourself completely and destroy others in your wake, if you don’t stop yourself from yourself.
If you’re an alcoholic or addict in active addiction; or if you’re a person that suffers from mental disorders and you don’t take care of yourself and your life when you should; you would do yourself a great service to consider changing that immediately, and start doing what actually needs to be done to change that in you.
You have to take care of yourself. You have to make good decisions. Learning the hard way is a bitch, and you can’t take back damage, after you inflict it.
It’s too late.
I know this for sure.
Do it sooner than later because it’s just not worth going around in circles, and suppressing the pain you carry.
You affect more than just yourself, even though you may not think so.
I never knew the pain I caused others, ran as deep as the hurt I carry.
It’s a fact.
It breaks my heart on many levels, and makes me ashamed.
Don’t let it be you ever.
I am lucky I’m still alive and I haven’t killed anyone.
I AM NOT my disease.
Unless I choose to be.
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME
I’m feeling pretty decent.
Nothing much going on except Summer time, and focusing on my immediate future and goals. It’s a process. I have most of my flowers in, and there’s a peaceful vibe going on, on my back porch. We had a good last weekend, and decided to put in a fire pit too. Might have a get together soon, and try to get some sort of an alcohol-free, social circle of friends going….on a regular basis. We do have sober friends that are amazing. Besides It’s Summer, and I hear normal “ish” people socialize regularly. (Lol)
One week off of all social accounts now; although my messenger is on; and only ONE person messaged to see where I was…
Enough said. It’s why I didn’t say anything, and just deactivated.
I won’t be going back to Facebook or Instagram, for some time. My mood is much better on a whole, and I don’t miss it at all. It’s looking like it’s mutual, and I’m fine with that. I have NO idea what role social media will play in my future, but right now the break is awesome. The reality that no one really cares I’m gone is sobering; and makes me happy that I don’t depend on the internet and useless likes anymore, to get me through the day, like I used to.
I guess that was bound to happen at some point; seeing social media for what it is. A natural progression I think, and I’m happy about that; because for a long, long time I was on the internet all day long; no matter where I was, or what I was doing.
That’s over now.
Unfortunately, I had to tell someone to fuck off again, because they were being petty and stupid…AGAIN. That “friend” of T’s. Hardest part about not drinking, is dealing with the whiney bitches who don’t want to see you get better; and insult you directly, just to instigate and cause problems. I try to deal with it nicely, and then I figured out, that that’s just not possible. It’s sad. It’s sad that people have to be like that. I don’t regret one single thing I said to her though…because it was all the truth. I can only hope that this time, what I said was taken at face value and heard; although it’s doubtful. Either way I said what I had to say; it is done with; and T and I are still sober and happy. (72 days)
People, places and things. You have to change them, if you want to remain and stay sober. I don’t hard-core the AA program at all; but I do agree FULLY with that core principle.
If people can’t respect the fact that T and I aren’t dealing with BS drama anymore or drinking; then that’s just their issue, not ours.
We live each day with the knowledge that where we are going, is much better than where we have been. We also know that positive growth is not possible, if we allow ourselves to become complacent in our recoveries, or subject ourselves to alcohol-related things we shouldn’t be around.
I am lucky to have T by my side. Although sometimes our relationship can be difficult; I just couldn’t see my life in any other place, with anybody else. It’s a great feeling to be with someone who accepts you for you, and we play off each other nicely…also basically keep each other sane sometimes…when we aren’t driving each other crazy. (Lol)
It’s a process 😉😅.
All the positive support we have received regarding our sobriety has been amazing, and we both thank you. In the beginning it was hard to see the path; but the support helped us to know that we were doing the right thing. I don’t know, sometimes reality can be scary, and so thank you for all the kindness.
Here’s the blah, blah, blah update for this Tuesday. As I said nothing much is new, but I’m still alive, so I thought I’d let you all know. 🙂
Enjoy the rest of your week and be happy. I’m wishing you all the best. Xo
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME
I cannot partake in spirits at all anymore. Not only does it make me sick and stupid; but I also don’t want to go down “slosh head road” again. That won’t be good, and It won’t do anything for me but damage me.
Once again I start over. Once again I have to forgive myself for slipping up like only a true alcoholic would do.
I’m not mad at myself, I’m dissapointed. But I know I have the control, and have to exert it. I’m smarter than this.
Now I have a fever and a sour stomach. I forgot to submit my assignment; and so I must and hope I can still get partial credit.
I ask myself was it worth it?
The answer is definitely NO. It’s almost like I sabotage myself whenever I start to do well. I don’t know why I do that.
I can’t do this again. Thanks for listening.
Love yourself. Even when it’s hard to.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me
I will let it go, because I can’t hold on to it anymore.
I’ve learned great lessons about not giving up, and truly looking at myself and trying to change for the better these last years.
Many times I felt my world would end, and that too many things were happening around me that I could not control; because it was true.
I was scared some in the beginning when I had to survive on my own; but then I learned that in the end, I am the only one that can take care of myself.
I knew when I was at my very lowests points….that I would be ok because I was struggling badly for a long time, but there was always something that made me try again. I started building slowly.
That’s what happens when you were married for 13 years and your son passes and you try to hold it together, but fail everyone around you miserably, and leave.
About a year. About one year with medication I was able to keep it together. I was there, but I wasn’t at all.
No one talked to me about my sons’ death. I internalized it because I literally felt a panic constantly and a deep void in me when he left. A fog. Add addictive personality on top of it, and I didn’t know anything anymore. Nothing.
The people around me that care about me know that I am damaged for many reasons, but they listen and appreciate me.
I really appreciate it because I know I matter anyways now. I didn’t know it much a few years back.
I can’t go back and change it, and sometimes I wish I could. But I have to think no matter what I am stronger and wiser; because it’s true.
I think Heaven and Hell are here on this Earth. You find both depending on where you look and what you seek. Don’t give up.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me
Even though you are scared shitless and don’t think anything is going to be O.K. at all right now; IT’S GOING TO BE O.K.; O.K.?! Just believe it and make it so. You are a strong person and you can do anything you set your mind to.
You can do it. You have been through, and survived, worse things than this.
J.Rounds 2016~Peaces of me
I got married the first time because I didn’t know any differently. I was 20. I was a wild child, a free spirit, and a misguided, misunderstood soul.
I just thought that you were supposed to marry the person who asked you; and so I did. I thought like that because I didn’t think right about anything back then. I had no clue about marriage; only my parents’ marriage, which ended in divorce when I was 14. I didn’t think anyone would want to marry me; let alone ask me to. How ridiculous is that.
It didn’t even matter that he was 16 years my senior at all; and that I had met him at the adult book store I worked at. I thought we were in love.
Classy I know. I’m sure my mother was thrilled with me on many levels.
I was only married for 10 months, had a late term abortion, and it took me six years to get out of the relationship fully afterwards because I worked for him and I was addicted to coke.
Funny the things you remember again, when you can no longer push them down.
That shit’s over with THANK the gods.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me
Just start at the beginning.
The beginning of what?
The beginning of today.
What happens when I get to the end?
All you have is today, you know.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me
It’s not so hard to stay sober.
What’s hard is swallowing the fact of what I’ve done, and what I’ve lost.
I literally gave up everything for nothing; and then spent years free-falling into my addiction, because I was unable to cope with lifes’ circumstances and the fall-out of my own wrong decisions.
When you come back down, and you start to see how life has moved on without you, and you are in the same place as you have been for years.
THAT’S the hard part.
And there’s no one to blame but myself.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me