Love Your Future Self, TODAY; A Lesson in the Wrong Choices.

Free writing.

……………………………………………..

There are moments in time that I look back on; and I am grateful that my life has moved on; and that time does indeed heal old wounds.

It’s not so much that they have healed, per say. I guess it’s just more of an acceptance that it cannot be changed, no matter how much I would like to change it, or erase it.

In very many circumstances I am glad for that, because I don’t want to go back in time at all. It totally sucked. Changing it wouldn’t be right, or true anyways.

There ARE things I wish I didn’t know, about the world; and myself as well. It was way easier to live unaware of them and denying; although my gut always made me unblissfully “aware” anyways somehow…and then my OCD took over until I found out for sure, every single time.

All it took was time. Sometimes, lots of it.

That’s just how I am. 

I have spent my life consciously and unconsciously ignoring and tricking myself into many things; until I couldn’t anymore…and I was forced to find out and realize the truth…start living life, on life’s terms…and save myself.

My truth generally hurts.

The accepting part doesn’t go so well with my brain. I’ve had PTSD for years, before finally being diagnosed formally three years ago. That was something that I became in the end, grateful for; because it explained a lot to me really, about the way I am…and how I could manage myself and my symptoms. Got me to thinking about my future.

I struggle a lot in the world of today, because I don’t like the way the world runs; and the fact that the world is pre-occupied with everything sexual, easy, and fake.

I got sucked into that world.

I have put myself out there on the internet in the past, for everyone to see…and they did. It was on selected sites, and then it eventually became Facebook groups.

Because of it; it led to a divorce; people cyberstalking me; hacking me; physical, verbal and emotional abuse; rape; people doing illegal things with my images and videos all over the internet. Slander of every form. Death threats. Blackmail. Extortion threats. (that one was ridiculous). My images were sent to my family members, and illegally posted on my own Facebook page…and everyone saw it all. 

Yeah, I’m glad time has moved on from that. To this day there is a scar on my psyche from it all, that can be quite hard to bear. 

It’s the opposite side of a success story, that felt in the end, more like a daily death sentence…and it was no fun living it, in any way.

It was traumatizing because a lot of the abuse was done by people I used to trust and care about.

It was traumatizing, because I did it to myself; if you want to get really technical about it. I had already posted other compromising pictures of myself in the past.  I lived in the behavior for a long time too; up until about three years ago…as far as the recent past goes, and really off and on my entire life.

I very well could have done a million different things in the porn industry throughout my life, and have been offered on many occasions, legit work for money, that I would not do. It was just not something I wanted to be in. 

It is not a good feeling, when people try to bribe you with money, to try to get you to compromise yourself in unsafe ways. I was already compromising myself enough…and you’d think, I would have “grown up”, quicker.

I started to think about it all tonight.

Every day I give myself credit for those bad decisions that I did not make; because they were very wise ones. 

I think it was something of Devine intervention in those cases, that I am not further recouping from my nonsense regarding my “porn phase”.

For what people do know of it though… It’s enough, and too much. 

I compromised my body in various ways for many things in the past, and it is not a good thing to have to admit; but it could have been something way worse, and way more no coming back from, than it has been for me.

I have to look at it that way.

I do not know why I did some of the things I did. I only know that I was out of control; in personal relationships that were not happy, and abusive emotionally; and I was also in active addiction off and on; trying to hide it. I felt like, sex was all anybody wanted from me; and the attention I got from it, FED my damage, my addictions… my pocketbook, and the way I felt about myself. 

I hated everything that was me.

My worst point was in 2013. I was actively hustling, prostituting, and compromising myself for four months.

I did it for drugs and money.

I wanted to die, every day.

Every day, I wished I could stop.

I think in my case, it was a cry for help.  I also think most people that knew me around that time; knew. Those people couldn’t and wouldn’t help me…because I was not helping myself. I was desperately wanting stability (in my head and life); but what it really ended up being, was attention from anyone or anything; because I was completely lost and damaged. My whole life had been a vicious cycle.  I was going to die soon…mainly kill myself straight out.

It really kills me to admit that. But I hope it will help someone…because I know I’m not the only one.

I was desperate for love, and I latched on to anyone that I thought would give it to me…

And it was a sick existence.

It was like a drug….fully. the whole behavior.

The people in the hustling world, that did help me… they always wanted something that I did not want to give. It was not “help” at all. They promised me money, drugs, friendship, love… they told me anything I wanted to hear…And THAT’S how I got sucked in, in the first place. 

And that’s how it always goes.

All of the people I dealt with; they never cared at all…not one of them. They just wanted to fulfill their own needs…escape from their reality, through me. 

For a long time, it was like a game I played with myself…even though I knew all along, that I was the only one that was losing.

Pieces of me every day.

I still have a hard time accepting it…. I look back on suicide videos and recordings that I have made; and it reminds me of how far I’ve come…and how bad I WAS. 

I will never allow myself to feel that despair, or live in it, ever again.

It’s easy to compromise yourself, when you are emotionally numb. It’s easy to hustle. Anyone that has ever been in the position will tell you so…if you really want to…it’s go time.

It doesn’t make it right.

Then you have to look in the mirror at yourself and know what you’ve done. You have to live within yourself. 

It’s not so easy.

Here comes the vices to numb the feelings further; hence the cycle.

I have come SO close to killing myself because of my personal failures to myself; that I don’t even want to say it.

Many, many, many, many, many times, I have thought about what it would be like, to just stop it all. I have tried four times in my life to actually do it.

And that’s what people don’t know. They were not there when I was standing on my roommates car in the garage, with a rope around my neck; nor where they there when I considered jumping off the overpass…my pill OD…none of it. 

I was alone, and I was hopeless.

I made myself ask for help; because I simply could not give in; OR destroy the people I love, any further.

I didn’t want to actually die; I just wanted the mental pain to go away. 

Sounds familiar, because it is; and a more than common running theme in most people with depression, mental disorders, and addiction. The feelings can manifest in many different ways; and are never good.

Asking for help changed my life. It gave me the skills I needed, to become less afraid of the things that were actually going on in my life; and it gave me the courage to change them.

I can never take back all of the things that I have done in my life, that make me a horrible person, to the average “normal” one…whatever that is.

I can only say that I spent years of my life trying to recoup my self-esteem and mind from it all; and now I only put out images of myself that are not images that I’d be ashamed of, in any way. I don’t compromise my body like that anymore; and NEVER will again.

The scars remain though.

Today, I am a photography major; and I hope that some day I can look back on the images that I have taken today, with great pride. I hope I will find it in me to share my work in the future; because I have a lot of great ideas, that I’d like to bring to fruition…and some I already have.

I am an artist, and always have been one and will be. Those are the images I want to be known for, not the others.

I live with integrity and honesty now; because I want to be remembered for who I am as a person, and what I did for the world; not the mistakes I’ve made in my life, or the damage that I’ve carried from the past.

Today is today; not yesterday.

The other pictures that I am not so proud of, will eventually resurface again some day; and I know this. 

But we all have pasts and skeletons..don’t we.

This is mine. Not so much of a skeleton anymore.

My advice to anyone really; and any female especially, is to consider your future self. Love yourself enough to know, that you don’t need to do that kind of thing for attention or love…or drugs.

It’s a hollow kind of attention; its a hollow kind of existence… and it does not fill the void in any way…only masks it. No amount of that kind of attention can save you, and that is a fact.

Do not trust that the images you put out into the cyberworld, to not show up where you least expect it, and don’t want them to…

Because they will EVERY time.

There are a lot of people in the world, who will take any opportunity they can, to use you; betray you; and hurt you for sport…and monetary gain or complete selfishness. They prey on broken, desperate people…and always pose as friends who want to help, or say they love you. 

You always find out TOO late, that that’s NOT the case…and then you can’t go back.

Don’t be one of those people, like I was.

I wish that I would have considered my actions more wisely. I had no idea about the extent of the ramifications that it would bring to me; all of it. It’s also embarrassing still on a small level…but what can you do, but not do it again.

It’s changed my view of everything I’ve ever known or thought about how the world really is.

It’s a shady place, with sun in some areas. 

I prefer the sun today.

I am SO glad, that I finally asked for help, and started seeking true friendships and support from people who never gave up on me; and truly cared for me.

It’s one of the reasons I’m able to write this publicly…and why I am still here on this earth. 

It’s one of the reasons I’ve found it in me, to love myself again.

Mental disease has many different facets to it, most times. Living in a world of darkness alone is really hard too. I remember not being able to see, any shred of light at all; until I started remembering that in the end, no one else is responsible for my life, but ME. 

I know I had help in realizing that. Always I’ll be grateful.

So even though I had to trainwreck through my entire life, I’m proud of myself today; and of every, single, little thing and piece of myself that I have managed to find and discover so far; because I have fought for it…and it IS ME who has done the work to get better. No one can take that away from me. 

I know that I’m not the only one who’s been through this ride either. 

For me, it has been MORE than a struggle; it has turned into a life-changing quest to never give up, give in, or compromise myself like that again….EVER.

Daily, I remind myself, that it’s OK to forgive myself, and to live with integrity today…because that’s what I can do for myself and the people I love. 

This is a piece of me, that I have finally made peace with. I’m not ashamed of it anymore.

I appreciate every single person in my life that values me for who I am…still. 

I hope this helps to put some things in perspective, and that it helps someone to be smarter about the choices they are making for themselves.

I hope it will help someone to forgive themself too; because we all have parts of us that we hide, and we can’t make peace with them until we do forgive ourselves….and stop the hiding.

Where there is courage, there is hope; and with hope, all things become possible. I believe it because it’s true.

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME 

Untitled.

I wonder what the morning will bring; 

For now, I will count the stars.
My hope comes in waves and soft whispers in the night.

It is now that I want to remember.

Moments…stolen in time and tucked away in the deepest parts of me that will always remember.

Pieces of me that I can never get back, thrown about the remnants of what remains. 
Every day feels like rain until I remember that I am my own sun when I want to be. 

The sun suits me much better than rain. In the rain, it is true that I am closer to myself; but the sun is where I long to be most of the time.

With you. 

I am looking for the rainbow, because I know it will come. 

You always look up, and it’s just there. 

It comforts me. Because I know the sun is coming.

Maybe that’s weird, but that’s just me.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of Me 

5 months, 16 days.

I’m tired of feeling inadequate, and having no one understand me.

The reasons are valid to ME.

If I was a star. I would be the one you could always see, but never touch.

My light would be different, depending on the weather.

I’m not a star; I’m just an ordinary girl; but I can hope that when my light dims here on earth, it’ll go to a way better place… where love isn’t so hard, and makes sense. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

This I Know.

I work on myself because it makes me feel better about the shitty things I’ve done to other people, and MY life.

I want to leave a positive mark on the world in some way, so that my children and the people I love will remember my strengths, not my weaknesses. 

Nothing more. 

I will fight to do that.

And I’m going to win.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Saturday, July 1st, 2017. I Have Faith in my Ability to Keep Changing for the Better…

Sometimes when I think I can’t get much more tense, or my anxiety can’t get much worse; it does, and I then have to write.

Writing helps me to stay sober and to focus; and mainly it’s a tool I use for all-around self-healing; hence this blog. 

I free-write a lot.

It helps when I feel overwhelmed; or just need a friend that will never let me down, and is always there…to just listen.

When I go back and read the things I’ve written, I can re-think it through again; find self-validation; and find things that can help me become a better person. Sometimes it’s really embarrassing to know I’ve said (written) some of the things I’ve said (written), or I feel too exposed…

But I know I’m not the only one out there that struggles with life, addictions, and personal flaws…and wants to not struggle with it anymore; or the only person that feels like sometimes things just get to be too much, and you just need to put it out there, and hope that some good will come of it; or you won’t want to still fling yourself off a bridge after you’re done.

So for me it’s worth it. It’s worth anything you might personally think about my story as well…

As long as you’re thinking.

I hope some day my children will read it; know that I loved them, and always remember to love themselves most of all; because it matters.

I hope they will not ever go down my road. I hope they will never have these kinds of personal issues in their life. I hope it will help them to really know me as a person inside.

I feel like it’s one of my only avenues of actually explaining myself, for who I am; to them.

I hope they can see me grow into a better person, and they will be proud of me some day.

That’s what I want.

I am not giving up on my children.

But…

If this is all I can do to redeem myself for my faults as a person; in the end, it will be worth it to me.

At least there’s a running record of progress, although it may be small, and not up to my personal standards sometimes.

……………………………………………………..

………………………………………………………

I struggle a lot with myself because I know that I’m not easy to understand; I have legit issues that can ruin me quickly if I’m not smart about it, and walk the line; I haven’t been so smart in the past at all; and it’s hard to be respected when you have hurt a lot of people that you shouldn’t have, and have slowly ruined your life, and parts of other people’s lives as well.

I admit that I’m a fuck up; and for me; admitting it, is a direct way to try to fix it….or do the best I can to. I don’t know where I’m gonna’ end up, but I’m actively participating in my life now; and I actually care about moving forward to a place of full-time, genuine self-acceptance, and becoming a positive role- model for my kids.

I have to say that it just feels like people expect me to take whatever crap they throw at me, and accept it and deal with it, without being able to actually have an emotion or some kind of counter about what I personally am feeling about it.

Seriously, I get that I may seem smug or bitch, or too sarcastic at times; but like do I have an actual right to be able to feel the way I feel without it being wrong? 

I get SO tired of having to accept everything in the world, just because that’s the way it is. 

Fuck that. 

Yeah, I drop the F-bomb probably too much in general. 

This is an adult blog.

But really…

I have come to terms that some things are never going to be, the way I want them to be.

I fucked it up.

That still doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have feelings about things.

OR that my feelings aren’t valid.

I’m not taking shit from people just because they think I deserve it. 

I‘m not putting myself in situations, where the only outcome is hurt for me; or certain faliure… anymore. 

I can’t do it.

I control my enviroment as much as I can. 

I don’t know if it’s a flaw or not. I think it’s a blessing and a curse at times. 

I really can’t help it that I need direction or validation sometimes on things I am uncertain about. I do think it’s part of my disease. I lack certain things in me, I am trying to stop that. I think I was born with something missing in me sometimes, but perhaps that’s just me, being ME again.

Clear and direct, is easy for me to understand. Assumptions and hypocrisy, up in the air, ignoring me….not so much. (Even though I admit I am all of it sometimes, even though I try not to be.) Mostly, and especially lately, I think it’s because I’m always afraid I’m going to mess it up more; and so I want a valid starting point or clarification, so I can deal accordingly, and not mess it up. I want clear direction on certain things. A working plan…something to go on.

It makes sense to me. 

I can’t ever seem to get it.

……………………………………………………..

I was thinking the other day, just how much money I had spent on alcohol in general over the course of my life; and then after I came to Ohio; and it’s just ridiculous and sad. 

It sucks SO bad to be almost 46 years old and know I could be somewhere completely different in my life, had I made better choices, and not looked for quick fixes to take the pain away. 

I could have saved my children from my trauma. I worry that they will have problems later on in life, and turn to substances to solve them; because of me; and the fact that I have subjected them to my sickness through DNA and direct contact. 

I would say I unwillingly subjected them, but there is that selfish part of me that makes that statement not true.

Although I knew I was having issues with my mental health after my son passed, I chose to mask MY pain, instead of dealing with it, and my kids got to see their mom, falling down drunk, loaded up on pills, and completely fail at being a functioning, healthy role-model and mother. 

I could have killed my other two kids on legal medication that I was prescribed and alcohol, because I was driving around.  

The hurt I carry is so intertwined, from SO many things…and I just wonder how I ever let it get so far out of hand. 

My son had passed tragically. 

It’s no excuse…and I know it.

Like how could I be that person? It’s like there’s another person inside of me that just takes over, and she comes when I’m drinking, highly stressed, or in fight or flight mode. 

I don’t like her at all. 

I don’t like to feel this way inside. 

I am glad that I made the choice to stop drinking, and to start seeing myself for who I actually was and am now. 

………………………………………………………

I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life, and I’m a prime example of how you can lose yourself completely and destroy others in your wake, if you don’t stop yourself from yourself.

If you’re an alcoholic or addict in active addiction; or if you’re a person that suffers from mental disorders and you don’t take care of yourself and your life when you should; you would do yourself a great service to consider changing that immediately, and start doing what actually needs to be done to change that in you.

You have to take care of yourself. You have to make good decisions. Learning the hard way is a bitch, and you can’t take back damage, after you inflict it.

It’s too late.

I know this for sure.

Do it sooner than later because it’s just not worth going around in circles, and suppressing the pain you carry.

It’s not.

You affect more than just yourself, even though you may not think so. 

I never knew the pain I caused others, ran as deep as the hurt I carry.

It’s a fact.

It breaks my heart on many levels, and makes me ashamed.

Don’t let it be you ever. 

I am lucky I’m still alive and I haven’t killed anyone. 

I AM NOT my disease. 

Unless I choose to be. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Update for Tuesday

I’m feeling pretty decent. 

Nothing much going on except Summer time, and focusing on my immediate future and goals. It’s a process. I have most of my flowers in, and there’s a peaceful vibe going on, on my back porch. We had a good last weekend, and decided to put in a fire pit too. Might have a get together soon, and try to get some sort of an alcohol-free, social circle of friends going….on a regular basis. We do have sober friends that are amazing. Besides It’s Summer, and I hear normal “ish” people socialize regularly. (Lol)

……………………………………………………..

One week off of all social accounts now; although my messenger is on; and only ONE person messaged to see where I was…

Enough said. It’s why I didn’t say anything, and just deactivated.

I won’t be going back to Facebook or Instagram, for some time. My mood is much better on a whole, and I don’t miss it at all. It’s looking like it’s mutual, and I’m fine with that. I have NO idea what role social media will play in my future, but right now the break is awesome.  The reality that no one really cares I’m gone is sobering; and makes me happy that I don’t depend on the internet and useless likes anymore, to get me through the day, like I used to. 

I guess that was bound to happen at some point; seeing social media for what it is. A natural progression I think, and I’m happy about that; because for a long, long time I was on the internet all day long; no matter where I was, or what I was doing.

That’s over now.

……………………………………………………..

Unfortunately, I had to tell someone to fuck off again, because they were being petty and stupid…AGAIN. That “friend” of T’s. Hardest part about not drinking, is dealing with the whiney bitches who don’t want to see you get better; and insult you directly, just to instigate and cause problems. I try to deal with it nicely, and then I figured out, that that’s just not possible. It’s sad. It’s sad that people have to be like that. I don’t regret one single thing I said to her though…because it was all the truth. I can only hope that this time, what I said was taken at face value and heard; although it’s doubtful.  Either way I said what I had to say; it is done with;  and T and I are still sober and happy. (72 days)

People, places and things. You have to change them, if you want to remain and stay sober. I don’t hard-core the AA program at all; but I do agree FULLY with that core principle.

If people can’t respect the fact that T and I aren’t dealing with BS drama anymore or drinking; then that’s just their issue, not ours. 

We live each day with the knowledge that where we are going, is much better than where we have been. We also know that positive growth is not possible, if we allow ourselves to become complacent in our recoveries, or subject ourselves to alcohol-related things we shouldn’t be around. 

I am lucky to have T by my side. Although sometimes our relationship can be difficult; I just couldn’t see my life in any other place, with anybody else. It’s a great feeling to be with someone who accepts you for you, and we play off each other nicely…also basically keep each other sane sometimes…when we aren’t driving each other crazy. (Lol)

It’s a process 😉😅.

All the positive support we have received regarding our sobriety has been amazing, and we both thank you. In the beginning it was hard to see the path; but the support helped us to know that we were doing the right thing. I don’t know, sometimes reality can be scary, and so thank you for all the kindness. 

Here’s the blah, blah, blah update for this Tuesday. As I said nothing much is new, but I’m still alive, so I thought I’d let you all know. 🙂

Enjoy the rest of your week and be happy. I’m wishing you all the best. Xo

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Relapse

I cannot partake in spirits at all anymore. Not only does it make me sick and stupid; but I also don’t want to go down “slosh head road” again. That won’t be good, and It won’t do anything for me but damage me.

Once again I start over. Once again I have to forgive myself for slipping up like only a true alcoholic would do.

I’m not mad at myself, I’m dissapointed. But I know I have the control, and have to exert it. I’m smarter than this.

Now I have a fever and a sour stomach.  I forgot to submit my assignment; and so I must and hope I can still get partial credit.

Brilliant.

I ask myself was it worth it?

The answer is definitely NO. It’s almost like I sabotage myself whenever I start to do well. I don’t know why I do that.

I can’t do this again. Thanks for listening.

Love yourself. Even when it’s hard to.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

image

There is Light if You Look for it.

I will let it go, because I can’t hold on to it anymore.

I’ve learned great lessons about not giving up, and truly looking at myself and trying to change for the better these last years.

Many times I felt my world would end, and that too many things were happening around me that I could not control; because it was true.

I was scared some in the beginning when I had to survive on my own; but then I learned that in the end, I am the only one that can take care of myself.

I knew when I was at my very lowests points….that I would be ok because I was struggling badly for a long time, but there was always something that made me try again. I started building slowly.

That’s what happens when you were married for 13 years and your son passes and you try to hold it together, but fail everyone around you miserably, and leave.

About a year. About one year with medication I was able to keep it together. I was there, but I wasn’t at all.

No one talked to me about my sons’ death. I internalized it because I literally felt a panic constantly and a deep void in me when he left. A fog. Add addictive personality on top of it, and I didn’t know anything anymore. Nothing.

The people around me that care about me know that I am damaged for many reasons, but they listen and appreciate me.

I really appreciate it because I know I matter anyways now. I didn’t know it much a few years back.

I can’t go back and change it, and sometimes I wish I could. But I have to think no matter what I am stronger and wiser; because it’s true.

I think Heaven and Hell are here on this Earth. You find both depending on where you look and what you seek. Don’t give up.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

image

June 27, 2016

Even though you are scared shitless and don’t think anything is going to be O.K. at all right now; IT’S GOING TO BE O.K.; O.K.?!  Just believe it and make it so. You are a strong person and you can do anything you set your mind to.

You can do it. You have been through, and survived, worse things than this.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds 2016~Peaces of me