To accept the things I cannot change, and build a new foundation for trust.

I went to Michigan to see my children and my mother a few weeks ago. I went by myself and stayed with my mother at her condominium.

It was a good trip; extremely therapeutic for me.

As I drove there and back to Ohio, I considered a lot of things.

The hardest part of the trip for me; as is every trip to Michigan; was seeing the obvious anxiety that my daughter still has when she sees me.

We are still somewhat awkward with each other anyway; because we are re-learning each other again, and I have not been around in some years.

It’s hard to know that I caused her damage that I cannot reverse. For whatever reasons they were, I will always regret hurting my youngest daughter in a way that will always make her question me.

I hate myself for it. To see it on her face is hard, but I know it is hardest for her. This beautiful child should never have to question her mother’s love or have had to in the first place.

Fact.

Today I put forth the effort every day to be a better person than I was yesterday. Even if it’s just little things like being more soft-spoken than I’d normally be, I do put forth the effort every day to be better in myself.

I understand what I’ve done and what it will take to have trusts form again between my youngest two.

I know that it will not be a traditional relationship. I know the reality.

Regarding my kids, I try to be totally honest with them now.

I am still not perfect, but I do what I say I’m going to do. If I can’t or think I might not be able to, I’m honest about it.

Because wanting to do, and doing, are two totally different things. Like saying you’ll be there, is totally different than saying you might not be there, but you’ll try your hardest to be.

I stopped promising my kids things that I know I can’t do.

It is better to disappoint with the truth than to make a promise and fall through on it.

I learned that hardcore, the wrong way; the hard way.

I damaged my kids because of it.

I worry about follow through a lot these days. In general, but regarding my kids for sure.

I’m trying to let them live their lives without major interference from me. They have a new family unit and are happy. I try to respect that fully.

I miss them every day.

I cry sometimes still because I’ve missed my kids growing up and every major event in their lives, since for years and years. I regret it.

I know I cannot change the past. I know that my daughter has anxiety because I chose to give up on myself and them. I was a combination of suicidal, scared, hopeless, distraught, sick in my head with grief over my whole life and what my life even meant after my son started getting sick, and then even more after he passed.

It was still no excuse to give up on my kids and everything.

I worried every day. All day long. But it was about if my son was going to die, and then it became what I could have done differently to prevent his death.

It was my entire focus for over a decade.

I was there, but I was not. Then I was not there at all.

I had a major lapse, and then I drank and combined it with narcotics to numb my brain from feeling any of it.

That truth is so hard to admit.

I will never be able to tell you what that feels like to have to know that your daughter has every legit right to be anxious around you.

What a selfish alcoholic I was. I tried to hide it and just couldn’t hide anything.

You can’t hide the truth, without repercussions.

This I know for sure.

I think of who I was then, and who I am today. I hope every day that my kids will start to see, some of the good changes in me.

I hope they will be able to trust me again in the future.

My children inspire me to keep going. If I cannot keep going for anything else; I will for them.

I told my daughter on the phone the last time I talked to her that I will always come back for her. Always.

I wanted her to know that I’m not going to get sick and go away again.

I know that I have enough coping and life skills in me now, to be able to prevent that from ever happening again. I have a support system. I have tools. But she doesn’t know that. How could she?

I hope that one day my daughter will feel happy to see me, instead of anxious.

It’s a goal that I have to work on, on my end if it; because I’m the one that made the problem.

Trauma is real and comes in many forms. If you do not deal with your own trauma, it projects out and you will cause trauma in other people’s lives. More so, you will systematically push away everything in the world that ever mattered to you, until you are alone with nothing else left but your thoughts.

Then you will begin to see the damage you have created for yourself, and for the people who love you.

My children had no choice in the matter. I did. I made the wrong ones.

If you can relate to any of this, my advice is find it in you to change right now.

Do not miss out on the best things in your life.

It is all I can do to keep moving forward now.

For my kids; for my future, for myself.

I can’t help but remember sometimes, because I know my kids still do. I hope to make it right in the end.

I have more to write about my kids, but that’s enough for today.

Love yourself; because if you don’t love yourself, no one else will be able to either.

P.s. Sorry about the head-chop Austin, your sister took the picture 🙂 ❤

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The next time you want to make an excuse to lie to yourself; READ THIS.

Sober af; and I am glad that I am strong enough today; to stay that way.

I don’t do AA or anything anymore at all; because it actually triggers me, instead of helps.

I equate it to a religion…which I also don’t conform to, or do. (I have my own beliefs about that)

So…

My point is; despite those facts; AA DOES have great “coined phrases” that you can use to remind yourself…that you can’t get something for nothing, and expect it to save your soul.

I’m not too fond of the “It works if you work it”, because it’s a little too cheesy for my liking. Lol.

“DO THE WORK” suits me better. Also in capital letters so you can read it better. THIS is what flashes across my brain when I feel weak.

If I didn’t do that for myself; I’d just hit the Beer and Beer drive through down the road for “cigarettes”, and tell you that it didn’t matter where they came from.

NO.

If you want to stay sober; you have to actively try to stay sober when you want to drink. No matter what you have to do. There’s no Beer and Beer drive through ANYTHING. Make it hard for yourself to fuck up.

#grateful #DOTHEWORK #noncoddledtipstostaysober

And Then There Was ONE…

I am honest in the fact that I am flawed; because I believe the only way to change those flaws; is to admit that they are there in the first place.

The competition is with myself; and noone else. I am not responsible for things that are not in my control; only MY self, MY actions and reactions, MY immediate surroundings, and who I let into MY life.

This is the first time in my life that I have actively been sober for more than three months; since 2008. It has been one year, one month, and eighteen days, today; that I made the solid choice and action of stopping the drinking and the denial that was killing my life…FOR GOOD. This is the first time in my life that I have actively been myself for an extended period of time; and not felt like I needed to make it comfortable for everyone else.

I DO NOT REGRET IT IN ANY WAY.

I keep reminding myself that this is reality; and I need to keep actively living in it. DAILY.

I keep reminding myself that I have to put the work in to make my life healthier, and to be a better person; every, single day. EVERY DAY.

Even if it means that I will be afraid. Even if it means I will have to feel emotional pain and uncomfortable feelings to let go. Even if it means I will be tired and overwhelmed sometimes from trying. Even if I have to admit that I STILL have ways of thinking about certain things; that need to be understood, and changed…so I can be at peace inside. Even if it means being physically alone. I know I am stronger than my fears. I know I am stronger than the hurt. I KNOW I can do this life of mine constructively.

I know what I need to do, to get what I need for my emotional health. I’m DOING.

My life is changing today, and I am afraid.

I know I will be ok. I am not afraid to say out loud that I am still flawed….and I might always be.

Being healthy is more important than anything else….

I need to heal from some stuff, for sure.

Today I will focus on that healing.

I’m getting used to being alone in my own space again for the first time in over a year-and-a-half.

It feels scary, but I’m ready.

I don’t feel bad about it anymore…the fact that I will be alone again. I feel like I’m being a logical adult; and actively making my life more stable; because it’s the right thing to do for my life; and also for thee entire situation.

I am still afraid a bit though. I don’t think it’d be change if I wasn’t in some regard.

Grace through adversity; is all I can do for now about it.

That is what I am doing at this point, until I figure out my next move.

My story doesn’t end here…I think it’s just getting started really.

Life is about living it; and embracing the moments and lessons that come to you; without regret…no matter how they come.

I will live today without regret; and have faith in the choices I have made for my life and future…because I believe in MYself.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

ONE Life.

I have to remind myself today that I only have ONE LIFE; one voice.

I know that I do not want to waste time on negativity and feeling upset inside.

Even though I do not feel positive all of the time, every day; I can still consciously shift my shitty mood to positive; by not dwelling on stuff; that’ll do nothing but pollute my head with things that don’t need to be there.

Thinking positive thoughts helps me feel more positive. If I tell myself all of the negative, outlandish, worst-case scenarios all the time…well, I know for a fact that that’s not living to my full potential.

I’m being true to myself today.

I’m thinking rationally about most situations now. Delaying my reaction time to things. I still need to work on myself, and parts of me that make me anxious and angry though. It doesn’t help anything, or anyone.

I’ve been looking into some behavioral therapies that I’ve been discussing with my best friend. They are nothing like all the “talking about nothing that matters” therapies, that I’ve had before. I need to learn ways to remain chill; when I feel like punching someone. I don’t like the build up of anxiety I feel sometimes. Hopefully with some effort, I can find a decent place that I can afford; that is not hooked up to these Medicade related places I’ve been to every other time. I feel like most medicaid-related help involves, just wanting you in the system; and on the meds so they can make their money. It’s not because they actually care about me being well and being happy.

It still amazes me how Doctors look at me like I’m nuts; for not wanting to hook myself on synthetics to “normalize” again. I still don’t care what other people say about it at all. Maybe THIS, IS my Normal.

I DO hope to find a genuine therapist; who’s primary mission is to help people heal the traumas they carry within them.

It is naive to think that I would have a long-term understanding of myself at this point….because let’s face it; I’m STILL on a journey to parts of myself that I’ve never even known before.

I only know that I will get there; some how; some way.

And yeah; I’m THAT passionate about it. It matters that I feel at peace in this world. It matters that I stay “Jenni” in the process.

“I think it’s ok to admit that some parts of our lives don’t always make sense at the moment we need them to.”

I also think that’s what doing the work is all about.

Learning patience when you’ve never had any; is a skill that’ll help you out too…if you can make yourself focus long enough to actually do it.

It takes practice. I practice every day. I fail almost every day; in some regard; too.

It’s mostly uncomfortable; with pivitol moments that allow me to feel as if I was made for something more than what I’ve been doing; and putting out more good things to the people I love; and the world.

I’d like a more continual, peaceful vibe from me; going out into the world.

I really don’t care about anything else; but increasing my truly peaceful moments in life.

The parts where I KNOW I have this; instead of the telling myself that I have it…. until I believe it.

It’s getting better and better every day.

Patience….

Learning to embrace the fact that I don’t have everything all figured out; is a HUGE step in moving forward daily; and allows me to take the time I need to do it properly and effectively.

I’m actually putting in effort where there was none before really….regarding my life; so………

When I get to feeling too frustrated about whatever it may be, or whomever it may be; I try my hardest to turn inward; and focus on the negative parts about myself that I can work on instead. I know eventually, I’ll be able to figure out what to do, about the areas of “what the actual fuck”, in my life; if I keep to this system.

There are things to still be grateful for, after all.

I’m working on being a better version of me today; because I owe it to myself. I sometimes wonder where it will take me; but I know in the end, that better is never a bad thing.

L

ove yourself.
J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

I know that life has no rules.

It is the reason that people struggle with it…why I have struggled with it.

I don’t feel weak; but I do feel disgusted in too many things, to even talk about it with anyone.

I think that sometimes the reason why something hurts so bad; is because you know things will be different; and it is scary to think about change.

Also because you hate to lose valuable people, things, talk of common life goals, marriage…someone that will always be there when you need a friend.

I’m not wrong for not accepting intentional *deception…or not wanting it in my life.

What do I really lose; when there wasn’t anything solid to begin with? I thought it was solid or could become that way…but it wasn’t by a long shot.

Settling is not something I will do, to be with someone anymore. Hurting for their pleasure; or because of their denial, isn’t either.

I don’t have to be with someone to be whole…to pass time….to do my shit for me….with me.

I wanted it.

Those are two; totally different; things.

The next chapter of my life started yesterday.

I am perfectly single and not looking to mingle. I’m in a relationship with myself.

I’m good. I know this last one is over for good now.

Looking for an affordable apartment and car.

Hopefully things will start to make better sense; now that I’m free from daily disrespect; and the continual I love you’s that really only equate to nothing more than broken words and ZERO action to do anything but make me feel like I deserve to be treated, like I don’t matter.

I DO MATTER.

I could say so much more; but it’s not even worth it. It wont get me anywhere but wasting MORE time, on something that is not even real. Getting this crap out of me and moving on, is enough.

Moving on because I want to be truly healthy and happy……and not live in a relationship that is toxic and triggering…and full of deceit.

I’m glad I know my worth today.

I’m glad I’m sober and nuturing my broken, by staying that way.

Loving myself, because I know that I deserve it.

I also know it will get better, and that there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Audio thoughts: Ask yourself the hard questions. Change your life.

I decided that it was time, to start sharing personal audio clips of the things I’ve asked myself, regarding change and life in general.

Sometimes I think people have pre-conceived notions of words on paper, and who I am.

It is much different to know a person in real life…and hear their spoken story or thought, as to read it.

I keep these thoughts on my devices; and I play them back when I feel the need to….

It helps me remember that I can be my own worst enemy….OR my own best friend.

I recorded this audio just this morning, after considering why it was worth it to change…and after a wonderful morning of healing that needed to happen for me and my journey forward to happiness.

I don’t know where this will lead; or how it will be taken.

But people ask me sometimes how I got it together.

I started to look at who I was; and didn’t like what I saw. (audio link)

My answer: I don’t have it all together; because it’s a journey to a higher place I’m not at yet; but I actively participate in my healing and success now. Asking myself relevant things. Looking inward, instead of out. Living every day to change my life in ways it needs to be changed. Changing it, one step at a time, day by day.

That’s all I can do for myself, and the people I love in this world. They deserve the best version of me, at all times.

So do I.

Asking yourself the hard questions of life, and answering them genuinely is the first step to changing.

I am 10 months, 1 day sober.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Love Your Future Self, TODAY; A Lesson in the Wrong Choices.

Free writing.

……………………………………………..

There are moments in time that I look back on; and I am grateful that my life has moved on; and that time does indeed heal old wounds.

It’s not so much that they have healed, per say. I guess it’s just more of an acceptance that it cannot be changed, no matter how much I would like to change it, or erase it.

In very many circumstances I am glad for that, because I don’t want to go back in time at all. It totally sucked. Changing it wouldn’t be right, or true anyways.

There ARE things I wish I didn’t know, about the world; and myself as well. It was way easier to live unaware of them and denying; although my gut always made me unblissfully “aware” anyways somehow…and then my OCD took over until I found out for sure, every single time.

All it took was time. Sometimes, lots of it.

That’s just how I am. 

I have spent my life consciously and unconsciously ignoring and tricking myself into many things; until I couldn’t anymore…and I was forced to find out and realize the truth…start living life, on life’s terms…and save myself.

My truth generally hurts.

The accepting part doesn’t go so well with my brain. I’ve had PTSD for years, before finally being diagnosed formally three years ago. That was something that I became in the end, grateful for; because it explained a lot to me really, about the way I am…and how I could manage myself and my symptoms. Got me to thinking about my future.

I struggle a lot in the world of today, because I don’t like the way the world runs; and the fact that the world is pre-occupied with everything sexual, easy, and fake.

I got sucked into that world.

I have put myself out there on the internet in the past, for everyone to see…and they did. It was on selected sites, and then it eventually became Facebook groups.

Because of it; it led to a divorce; people cyberstalking me; hacking me; physical, verbal and emotional abuse; rape; people doing illegal things with my images and videos all over the internet. Slander of every form. Death threats. Blackmail. Extortion threats. (that one was ridiculous). My images were sent to my family members, and illegally posted on my own Facebook page…and everyone saw it all. 

Yeah, I’m glad time has moved on from that. To this day there is a scar on my psyche from it all, that can be quite hard to bear. 

It’s the opposite side of a success story, that felt in the end, more like a daily death sentence…and it was no fun living it, in any way.

It was traumatizing because a lot of the abuse was done by people I used to trust and care about.

It was traumatizing, because I did it to myself; if you want to get really technical about it. I had already posted other compromising pictures of myself in the past.  I lived in the behavior for a long time too; up until about three years ago…as far as the recent past goes, and really off and on my entire life.

I very well could have done a million different things in the porn industry throughout my life, and have been offered on many occasions, legit work for money, that I would not do. It was just not something I wanted to be in. 

It is not a good feeling, when people try to bribe you with money, to try to get you to compromise yourself in unsafe ways. I was already compromising myself enough…and you’d think, I would have “grown up”, quicker.

I started to think about it all tonight.

Every day I give myself credit for those bad decisions that I did not make; because they were very wise ones. 

I think it was something of Devine intervention in those cases, that I am not further recouping from my nonsense regarding my “porn phase”.

For what people do know of it though… It’s enough, and too much. 

I compromised my body in various ways for many things in the past, and it is not a good thing to have to admit; but it could have been something way worse, and way more no coming back from, than it has been for me.

I have to look at it that way.

I do not know why I did some of the things I did. I only know that I was out of control; in personal relationships that were not happy, and abusive emotionally; and I was also in active addiction off and on; trying to hide it. I felt like, sex was all anybody wanted from me; and the attention I got from it, FED my damage, my addictions… my pocketbook, and the way I felt about myself. 

I hated everything that was me.

My worst point was in 2013. I was actively hustling, prostituting, and compromising myself for four months.

I did it for drugs and money.

I wanted to die, every day.

Every day, I wished I could stop.

I think in my case, it was a cry for help.  I also think most people that knew me around that time; knew. Those people couldn’t and wouldn’t help me…because I was not helping myself. I was desperately wanting stability (in my head and life); but what it really ended up being, was attention from anyone or anything; because I was completely lost and damaged. My whole life had been a vicious cycle.  I was going to die soon…mainly kill myself straight out.

It really kills me to admit that. But I hope it will help someone…because I know I’m not the only one.

I was desperate for love, and I latched on to anyone that I thought would give it to me…

And it was a sick existence.

It was like a drug….fully. the whole behavior.

The people in the hustling world, that did help me… they always wanted something that I did not want to give. It was not “help” at all. They promised me money, drugs, friendship, love… they told me anything I wanted to hear…And THAT’S how I got sucked in, in the first place. 

And that’s how it always goes.

All of the people I dealt with; they never cared at all…not one of them. They just wanted to fulfill their own needs…escape from their reality, through me. 

For a long time, it was like a game I played with myself…even though I knew all along, that I was the only one that was losing.

Pieces of me every day.

I still have a hard time accepting it…. I look back on suicide videos and recordings that I have made; and it reminds me of how far I’ve come…and how bad I WAS. 

I will never allow myself to feel that despair, or live in it, ever again.

It’s easy to compromise yourself, when you are emotionally numb. It’s easy to hustle. Anyone that has ever been in the position will tell you so…if you really want to…it’s go time.

It doesn’t make it right.

Then you have to look in the mirror at yourself and know what you’ve done. You have to live within yourself. 

It’s not so easy.

Here comes the vices to numb the feelings further; hence the cycle.

I have come SO close to killing myself because of my personal failures to myself; that I don’t even want to say it.

Many, many, many, many, many times, I have thought about what it would be like, to just stop it all. I have tried four times in my life to actually do it.

And that’s what people don’t know. They were not there when I was standing on my roommates car in the garage, with a rope around my neck; nor where they there when I considered jumping off the overpass…my pill OD…none of it. 

I was alone, and I was hopeless.

I made myself ask for help; because I simply could not give in; OR destroy the people I love, any further.

I didn’t want to actually die; I just wanted the mental pain to go away. 

Sounds familiar, because it is; and a more than common running theme in most people with depression, mental disorders, and addiction. The feelings can manifest in many different ways; and are never good.

Asking for help changed my life. It gave me the skills I needed, to become less afraid of the things that were actually going on in my life; and it gave me the courage to change them.

I can never take back all of the things that I have done in my life, that make me a horrible person, to the average “normal” one…whatever that is.

I can only say that I spent years of my life trying to recoup my self-esteem and mind from it all; and now I only put out images of myself that are not images that I’d be ashamed of, in any way. I don’t compromise my body like that anymore; and NEVER will again.

The scars remain though.

Today, I am a photography major; and I hope that some day I can look back on the images that I have taken today, with great pride. I hope I will find it in me to share my work in the future; because I have a lot of great ideas, that I’d like to bring to fruition…and some I already have.

I am an artist, and always have been one and will be. Those are the images I want to be known for, not the others.

I live with integrity and honesty now; because I want to be remembered for who I am as a person, and what I did for the world; not the mistakes I’ve made in my life, or the damage that I’ve carried from the past.

Today is today; not yesterday.

The other pictures that I am not so proud of, will eventually resurface again some day; and I know this. 

But we all have pasts and skeletons..don’t we.

This is mine. Not so much of a skeleton anymore.

My advice to anyone really; and any female especially, is to consider your future self. Love yourself enough to know, that you don’t need to do that kind of thing for attention or love…or drugs.

It’s a hollow kind of attention; its a hollow kind of existence… and it does not fill the void in any way…only masks it. No amount of that kind of attention can save you, and that is a fact.

Do not trust that the images you put out into the cyberworld, to not show up where you least expect it, and don’t want them to…

Because they will EVERY time.

There are a lot of people in the world, who will take any opportunity they can, to use you; betray you; and hurt you for sport…and monetary gain or complete selfishness. They prey on broken, desperate people…and always pose as friends who want to help, or say they love you. 

You always find out TOO late, that that’s NOT the case…and then you can’t go back.

Don’t be one of those people, like I was.

I wish that I would have considered my actions more wisely. I had no idea about the extent of the ramifications that it would bring to me; all of it. It’s also embarrassing still on a small level…but what can you do, but not do it again.

It’s changed my view of everything I’ve ever known or thought about how the world really is.

It’s a shady place, with sun in some areas. 

I prefer the sun today.

I am SO glad, that I finally asked for help, and started seeking true friendships and support from people who never gave up on me; and truly cared for me.

It’s one of the reasons I’m able to write this publicly…and why I am still here on this earth. 

It’s one of the reasons I’ve found it in me, to love myself again.

Mental disease has many different facets to it, most times. Living in a world of darkness alone is really hard too. I remember not being able to see, any shred of light at all; until I started remembering that in the end, no one else is responsible for my life, but ME. 

I know I had help in realizing that. Always I’ll be grateful.

So even though I had to trainwreck through my entire life, I’m proud of myself today; and of every, single, little thing and piece of myself that I have managed to find and discover so far; because I have fought for it…and it IS ME who has done the work to get better. No one can take that away from me. 

I know that I’m not the only one who’s been through this ride either. 

For me, it has been MORE than a struggle; it has turned into a life-changing quest to never give up, give in, or compromise myself like that again….EVER.

Daily, I remind myself, that it’s OK to forgive myself, and to live with integrity today…because that’s what I can do for myself and the people I love. 

This is a piece of me, that I have finally made peace with. I’m not ashamed of it anymore.

I appreciate every single person in my life that values me for who I am…still. 

I hope this helps to put some things in perspective, and that it helps someone to be smarter about the choices they are making for themselves.

I hope it will help someone to forgive themself too; because we all have parts of us that we hide, and we can’t make peace with them until we do forgive ourselves….and stop the hiding.

Where there is courage, there is hope; and with hope, all things become possible. I believe it because it’s true.

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME 

Untitled.

I wonder what the morning will bring; 

For now, I will count the stars.
My hope comes in waves and soft whispers in the night.

It is now that I want to remember.

Moments…stolen in time and tucked away in the deepest parts of me that will always remember.

Pieces of me that I can never get back, thrown about the remnants of what remains. 
Every day feels like rain until I remember that I am my own sun when I want to be. 

The sun suits me much better than rain. In the rain, it is true that I am closer to myself; but the sun is where I long to be most of the time.

With you. 

I am looking for the rainbow, because I know it will come. 

You always look up, and it’s just there. 

It comforts me. Because I know the sun is coming.

Maybe that’s weird, but that’s just me.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of Me 

5 months, 16 days.

I’m tired of feeling inadequate, and having no one understand me.

The reasons are valid to ME.

If I was a star. I would be the one you could always see, but never touch.

My light would be different, depending on the weather.

I’m not a star; I’m just an ordinary girl; but I can hope that when my light dims here on earth, it’ll go to a way better place… where love isn’t so hard, and makes sense. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

This I Know.

I work on myself because it makes me feel better about the shitty things I’ve done to other people, and MY life.

I want to leave a positive mark on the world in some way, so that my children and the people I love will remember my strengths, not my weaknesses. 

Nothing more. 

I will fight to do that.

And I’m going to win.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME