What Matters Most.

So I had this long blog that I wrote a few days ago, but my internet shit out before I saved it;  now I’m writing this. 

I like my job. 

Physically speaking, there is no real reason to buy a gym membership now, because it’s literally cardio and lifting stuff all day long. That’s awesome to me. In the morning waking up it is tough, but at least I know I’m getting there.

There are a lot of dogs at this place, who are either extremely nervous or disabled/sick. Many come on a daily basis for day care. I know they all know I’m a “good one”. I know that I help them feel better after interacting with them. I also know they look forward to seeing ME. That’s a good feeling to have, because it is real and rewarding. I was told my boss that I am doing an exceptional job. Other higher ups have said the same things.

I don’t know how much better of a compliment or validation I can get. I’ve been straight up honest about myself to them, and so for them to come out and say multiple times that I’m basically killing it…well no one there knows how much it means to me. 

It motivates me in general.

I feel fortunate that I’ve found something that suits me, and helps me focus on the positive. I actually will have some money now, to be able to meet some other goals that need to *met. 

My kids birthdays are both this month. My eldest daughter yesterday, and my eldest son’s is tomorrow, on the 30th. I still remember how upset my eldest was that her brother’s birthday was literally two days after hers. I had to smile at the thought of it because I do understand. I think everybody wants a time where they matter most. (or a month) 😊

My damn vagina not cooperating. Hahaha.

Anyways Happy Birthday babies. I love you so much. I could never be more lucky, *than to have the privilege of having you in my life. 

I also know all of the other stuff, but I want you to know that I try to be a better person today, and you guys are the reason. You are the most important things in my life. I hope I can truly show you with my actions, and you will know one day.

I feel the need to write it here, in case you come across this blog one day. 

I’m six months, 3 days sober today. And it’s because I know for once in my life what’s really important. That’s my sobriety, kids, family and friends that truly love me, my job, my goals, being a positive influence to the world. 

I am grateful for my life, and the people in it *that truly value me. 

Free writing is my forte’, because I can be just me; and I’m alright with it.  

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Untitled.

I wonder what the morning will bring; 

For now, I will count the stars.
My hope comes in waves and soft whispers in the night.

It is now that I want to remember.

Moments…stolen in time and tucked away in the deepest parts of me that will always remember.

Pieces of me that I can never get back, thrown about the remnants of what remains. 
Every day feels like rain until I remember that I am my own sun when I want to be. 

The sun suits me much better than rain. In the rain, it is true that I am closer to myself; but the sun is where I long to be most of the time.

With you. 

I am looking for the rainbow, because I know it will come. 

You always look up, and it’s just there. 

It comforts me. Because I know the sun is coming.

Maybe that’s weird, but that’s just me.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of Me 

5 months, 16 days.

I’m tired of feeling inadequate, and having no one understand me.

The reasons are valid to ME.

If I was a star. I would be the one you could always see, but never touch.

My light would be different, depending on the weather.

I’m not a star; I’m just an ordinary girl; but I can hope that when my light dims here on earth, it’ll go to a way better place… where love isn’t so hard, and makes sense. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Hope for Texas and myself.

Last days of Summer are here already; it’s in the air, and undeniable. 

Not sure how I feel about that.

I am five months, six days sober, and I think I’ve been doing fairly well keeping level and positive these last days.

I’ve got too many things to do, and not enough money to do it. Correction: I’ve got too many things I NEED to do, and not enough money to do it. 

Imagine that. 

I decided to change my availability at the PET HOTEL to, “just let me work, I don’t care what time, or what shift.“; in hopes I can get some kind of interview, and spend my time picking up dog and cat shit and talking to animals for money; while I work on my Etsy store and photography/art projects on the side.

I know the animals will help my mood significantly, and I need the money to pay my way into financial responsibility and self-worth again.

Seems legit. 

I’ve done WAY worse things to get money. Enough said.

I’m going to stay positive about it, because I really can’t afford not to. 

I’m well enough to work, I just need to do something that’s going to keep me positive.

For now I’m back to this Etsy thing….and I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be easier to just burn the shit I’m posting, instead. 

I’m grateful because I know that my situation could be way worse.

I think of the people in Texas and the surrounding areas that were affected by the flooding and rain; the children and animals and all of the chaos; the fear and confusion I know those people must be feeling or must have felt. 

I cannot imagine, and don’t want to.

I can’t complain about anything; because mostly I’m just pissed off at myself, my lack of responsibility for my own life, and the way I allowed myself to give up on ME.

I could tell you all my theories about what my issues are and were…but I decided to write a book instead, because it’s too deep to rattle off on a public blog all the time. 

I’ve been writing every day for weeks now, consistently.

It’ll come out when I get to that stage, whenever that is, and if it helps someone in the end besides myself, then it will have been worth writing fully. 

Today I’m just posting a picture of me from two days ago, so you can see I’m still taking it day by day; and still trying to be happy in the best way I can.

Please donate anywhere you are able to, to help the people of Hurricane Harvey rebuild their lives; and have the kind of aftercare, that they will need and deserve.

T and I are donating for now; but it’s got me to thinking about other ways I could help as well…and I want to.

How you can help Harvey victims/survivors

American Red Cross

Count your blessings every day, because you have many more than you realize. 

You do.

As always, Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

The title goes here. Free writing.  

There is no pre-determined guarantee for relationships.

Love is often confused with many other things, but when it is real; the “feel it in your bones” feeling of love, never goes away.

It is always there despite, no matter what the situation…. for better or worse.

It’s waiting in the back of me every time; to love again; when the trials of our lives ease up, and I come back down to reality. I cannot stop the feeling no matter how hard I try to, and you will have to make me hate you, to get me to stop.

That’s ME fully, that’s HOW I AM. That’s how I love.

Please don’t make me hate you.

I have always loved hard.

I fall too easily, I trust too easily, I believe what people tell me too easily….all the time…I always have. 

I like to believe that I’m worth love. 

But the kind of love, and the idea of love I have always searched for, is something that I can’t ever seem to fully get all the way. 

I’ve had two failed marriages; one 10 months, another 13 years. A five-year, online, long-distance, fuck up my life completely, cluster fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk of a “relationship”; and now T.

Those ARE my major relationships in my adult life.

No one compares to T.

I struggle every day to be the kind of woman that T deserves. I know I am failing, and then I ask myself why, and what I will do about it. 

I wish really, that there was a guarantee that we will make it; but there’s not. 

The only guarantee there is, is the one that I make to myself. 

I will continue to be honest about my feelings, needs and wants.

I don’t believe in hiding who you are from anyone anymore… especially the man you love.

I know that things aren’t perfect in my life right now…or my relationship.

But I do know that T is the only man, who has made me feel like I deserved love. And I never thought I’d ever feel that from a man. I never had until him. 

I guess that’s why they say love is patient.

I hope that I can work out my life, so that I can be the woman, that I know I am.

The damage I carry is real, and I’ve had more than I care to have these last months, and it fucks up everything…to the point that I have to make the choice to stop letting it infect, every good thing that I touch. 

It’s hard when there’s stuff you need to talk about and understand, but you know there’s probably no way you ever could, because you weren’t given the option upfront to know about it.

I can’t figure out what I could have done differently…except for me to do the exact opposite thing, and I obviously made the choice to be in this relationship. 

 I’m not a quitter. 

Every day is a new day to try. 

“Love without Limits, Fight without Fear.” 

It’s tattooed on my arm, but what does that mean to ME?

I made it up. Truth. Because I had made a choice that day to try to understand myself; and those are two things I try to do.

I hope there is a God AND that he will help me.

This is a free writing ramble.

I am sober, alive, confused, hurt, determined, and in love.

I need a miracle to fix my brain, and my life. 

I’m really just trying to be as positive as I can right now;

And I don’t feel bad for writing any of this, because it’s gotten me to this very moment.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

My TRUTH about Hurt and Trust.

The I don’t knows in your head kill you slowly, and the actions don’t match the words.

Always trust your gut, but then some will do everything they can, to make you doubt it…only to hurt you for no other reason than selfishness or fear.

We’ve all been there. The hurt side.

Honesty is relevant. 

The hurt you may cause upfront from saying the truth, is way better than turning around one day and realizing it was all for nothing…and you have hurt the ones you never wanted to, by spinning a different story to cover your ass and/or loneliness; or just being a complete idiot drunk, or whatever you were being, when you made the choice to hurt that someone else.

Have you been here too? Me too.

You have no formal right to judge another’s level of hurt, when you are the reason for it. 

All you can do is make a commitment to yourself, that you’re not going to live like that anymore…forgive yourself…daily…and then try to become the best version of yourself possible.

And keep doing it.

Every day you make a conscious effort.

Remember that your actions have consequences that may last longer than you thought they would originally.

You would feel the same most likely.

Remember the person on the other side of it, and how you would feel if this person did the same to you, that you did to them.

Remember the feeling.

Understand it. Accept it.

THAT is the hard part.

YES. It’s frustrating for all involved, on many occasions; but if you didn’t care, then you wouldn’t have said you were sorry in the first place, right?

Make your sorry mean something, so the person you hurt will know you are truly sorry. 

You can’t get mad for the person not trusting you fully, OR not even wanting anything more to do with you.

What does a sorry mean?

Blaming others for not tolerating your BS, is nothing more, than you being selfish. 

That includes anyone, and me most assuredly; for any situation that might fit. 

I know by experience, I learned it ALL the hard way.

Give the person you hurt, time to find peace with the hurt you caused them….or not.

And DON’T do it again.

Tell the truth even if it burns you outright.

It’s right if you TRULY value someone.

It will be found out eventually anyways, and that just says a lot about how you are as a person really, when it does come to light.

Everything that means anything REAL, is founded in truth. 

Trust is the hardest thing to gain back; and the easiest thing to lose.

You can’t keep dropping bombs, and not expect some form/s of casualty/ies….yadda, yadda, yadda…

I know first hand what it’s like to lose every single thing that mattered besides myself; and almost that too on several occasions; because of the hurt I caused other people, and the things I did for myself only, at someone’s else’s expense.

That’s why I try every day to be honest about who I am; my needs and wants; and my huge flaws that seem to overpower me at the worst times.

I try to be a good person now.

I do fail, but not on things like truth anymore. MY truth, and what I expect for my own life.

If people can’t hear me, then they never wanted to, or cared to in the first place.

The hurt you cause others, IS relevant to the person or thing you caused it to. 

It IS.

Fix it with your actions. or don’t even bother.

No half-assing. It doesn’t mean shit when you do that. You can’t candy-coat reality, and have it stick.

The only options I’ve found, to make amends to a person I hurt in my life for REAL, and to re-seed the hole I left with something that might grow better, and that is better than what was there before… is to stop blaming the person I hurt, and STOP hurting them period.

That is true regret, and fixing something you are truly sorry for…or trying to. Understanding that it is your cross to bear, is another facet.

You did it.

Some things you can’t fix later.

I admit that I’m flawed, and I have hurt countless people in my life that I did not intend to…and some I did.

Still, the choice was mine to make; so whatever forgiveness I can seek out and earn back from my loved ones because I’m truly sorry and want to make it better; just fixes me… in the end… from within; because I honestly don’t deserve the chance to fuck it up again; but you’re trusting me not to; so I won’t. I owe you THAT much.

You see?

This I know for sure.

We’ve all been on both sides, without wanting to; and both sides suck.

I know the pain I’VE caused others is real; the trauma I carry from others hurting me is real….

And so is MY truth…

My absolute resolve is that I am indeed a very complex individual, with issues that have been fed too much, for too long…and I am just tired of dealing with certain feelings, and I’m tired of myself most of all for being tired…even though I know some of it, isn’t my fault at all…

A lot of it is.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Pretty sure it’s Tuesday, and the fact that I had to think about that is sad; still…

My mood is better today.

I can’t expect to feel positive all the time, when there are real problems I’m dealing with.

I’m not afraid anymore to say when I feel like shit inside, and I guess that is one good thing.  

Truth be told, I have no reason to trust anybody; or care. 

I think that’s a rather fucked up and selfish way of looking at things though; so I’m again looking on the bright side….because I actually hate feeling shitty…I don’t know if any of you have realized this by now, or not. I know it may be hard at points to tell.

If I could change one thing about myself, it would be my pessimism on life in general.

I work on it daily to control it; because I know that my attitude, directly affects my whole day, and life. Lately I’ve been failing.

It is still hard to stop up the leaks in my heart; for valid reasons that will always suck.

For that, I wish there were a solid cure that worked…

Faith seems to be the only option to slow it down.

Day 142 on the sober count; keeping it real, like always.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I need a vacation from myself…for real.

For a long time, I guess I was “whiny”. You always look back on yourself, and most times I’m like “Wtf Jen, you were really stupid, and are.” 

Yep. 

Every day I play the “I love you” game with myself, in hopes that someday I may feel whole enough; to not destroy myself with my own mind anymore.

I am definitely my own worst enemy;  because of it…I push people away to a safe distance.

I am easily ALWAYS going to be a work in progress; and I’m trying to embrace that fact daily, because I think I put a lot of unnecessary stress on myself; that makes me lose the parts of myself that I DO like. 

It’s hard. Because I don’t want to feel like this inside. And it’s hard to explain to people, because I really don’t much know why I have such ups and downs every single day except that I am bipolar; I’m not willing to go on synthetic meds again; to zombie myself again; to try and stop it.

I do wish I could stop it though. 

I have tried for my whole life; to no avail. I gained a bunch of NOTHING doing that.

Who is terrified of failing so much; or being disliked so much…that she doesn’t even start?

ME.

I know I am better than that, also that that’s not true.

I am sober. I am also alive.

I see the way people look at me and I wish I could disappear.

When you struggle in your own soul, sometimes it is one of the lonliest places you can ever be.

It’s not a good feeling at all, and that’s why I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all.  

I know just writing this will help me refocus and move on for today. 

I am not crazy. 

I am a broken spirit who searches for light in my own darkness.

I hope today will be better than it started out.

Love Yourself…I’m trying to too.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Maybe…

Maybe it’s because it means more….

to struggle for things you need and want.

If there was no struggle, then there wouldn’t really be that much of a reward in the end.

It wouldn’t mean anything.

I don’t know if that’s exactly true; but it’s what I tell myself when I feel beside myself, and upside down. 

Just keep going.

Today I feel good enough, and there is reason to believe that it might just be a good day after all. 

I have faith.

T and I have decided to stay where we are for now, and to take this next month and really find a place that will suit us.

I believe that things and moments come to you when you really need them. 

I’m going to stop expecting, and start accepting. 

I think it can only help in the end. 

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME