I tell myself again today, to live in the moment…before it is gone forever…..

Today is what I make of it. It’s impossible to live today, if I’m living in tomorrow or yesterday.

I have been in better spirits; but I am sober and still alive;  I guess that’s all that really matters, considering.

The sarcasm and anxiety I expressed yesterday, was exactly that. It was warranted completely; a company is basically trying to take our money illegally; so I can’t apologize for yesterday’s post, and the colorful, rainbow fucks that WERE definitely given.

My Brooklyn took over.

I’m pretty sure that even Oprah has opened up a huge can of F bomb on occasion, to save her own Oprah sanity. 

I am NO Oprah; and I am well aware of this fact….just sayin’.

I’ve come to some hard conclusions about life the last days, and it’s just not worth it to play the “I’m fine” game, when there are certain things, that I am far from being fine on, like people stealing from us, when we are trying to get our lives together and fully healthy. Also it just isn’t worth not venting openly in some form, especially when I’m writing to heal myself from the inside out.

For what it’s worth, I’m still glad I am off the synthetic meds and stopped the alcohol, even though I have the ups and downs.

At least I can actually feel now, and it makes it easier to know what my core emotions are, and where they come from. I felt like the meds were just masking my symptoms, but they were never really controlling them. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that kind of life where I’ll just power through hard things, without emotion, and in full control. MOST times I hate that I feel at all; but I know that if I don’t, I’ll just be an empty shell; as I’ve said before, that’s not a life I want anymore for me.

I don’t think you can cure me with a pill or a drink or a shot. I think the only thing that’ll truly work for me is a labotomy, and I simply can’t find anyone to do it, that I can afford OR trust. LOL.

I hate the fact that you can see my damage in my eyes, and on my face. I can erase the lines on my face easy enough; but the eyes NEVER lie. It is hard for me to look into them sometimes, because I don’t much know how to fix it so it doesn’t remind me of the past, and all the things I have come to hate and realize about myself.  I don’t want to live there anymore, and IT IS a daily battle to overcome.

I guess I’m coming to terms with the fact that I need to find a psychotherapist that can actually help me. Someone that won’t try to put me on pills to fix me; but will actually help me cope with the way that I was made naturally, AND the trauma that I tend to carry around like a best friend with VIP access to the worst version of me.

Everyday I realize that I am not in control of my emotions. I would like to find a way to be able to properly think something through, before reacting negatively or overreacting.

I also think I need anger management. I have rage and bitterness in me, that needs to be addressed, and I don’t want to be angry or hurtful to anyone at all. It doesn’t look good on me.

I do not have the coping mechanisms that I am supposed to have, and it is hard to feel peace full-time, when you know that you are not at your best. 
I don’t know what my best is; but I do know that I have to keep fighting to find it. Just being sober simply isn’t enough for me anymore.

I also know that there will always be things to work on regarding myself, and there are always new goals to meet and to work for. 

Today I hope for a good day, with some good juju sprinkled on top. We have proof we paid the money, and so I surely hope we will get it back, as we should.

I am trying my hardest to not be afraid of the unknown, and to embrace it. 

I blame myself for my own failures, and noone else. It IS hard for me to trust fully though, due to direct contact with people like this asshole we are dealing with now, and otherwise generally assholish others.

In the end, I know in order to keep moving forward, this moment is all that matters, and so I’m refocused to just take it as it comes…it’s really all any of us can do anyways.

Love yourself every day, even if you don’t think you deserve it. You are the only one that can decide that you are worthy.

You are worth love, and you are worth forgiveness.  You are worth a better life.

Forgive yourself daily if you have to, and don’t give up.

I hope your day is wonderful. Also I wanted to let you know, that I do not own automatic weapons or guns of any kind, and I am not planning on it;  your sides of beef are totally safe. 😉

{This ain’t a scene, it’s a god damn arms race}

Gotta’ love the *Disclaimers. ^^^^^^^ 😉

Laters.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME