Back from the Windy City.

The weekend was trying, but still, I am blessed. 

I have a 1 o’clock interview tomorrow at the pet hotel.

My availability is such, that I think I’ll get the job no problem. 

We will see.

For what small step it might seem to be to some; I’m actually proud of myself for following through, and taking a step necessary to ensure some additional income. 

I have many things to fix.
Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME.

I’m at the Marriott in Chicago, and it feels like Ohio tbh…

It’s one of those days for me, where even the tiniest steps forward, mean something.

I’m working on my patience, and self-love; those are both processes that have been harder for me to do… The fact that I am doing well, and staying calm despite my anxiety today, is a really positive thing for me; for sure.

I haven’t called myself a fucking idiot today, at all.

WIN.

Thank you Dr.Phil…lol. Again.

The only thing I can do today is take it as it comes, and not talk down to myself or pop off, when I get frustrated. Because I am frustrated, and I have been popping off.

It’s technically a vacation of sorts that I’m on with T.

It hasn’t much felt like that at all for either of us, but I am still grateful that we are here together.

One thing I know for sure, is that I’m a master of making plans for my life, and then doing the chicken shit and never following through on them…or doing the exact opposite of the plan.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

I’m afraid to fail, but I’m more afraid of not TRYING to succeed at this point.

I hope that six months from now, I will be in a much better, financial state and much more cynical- free as well. 

I’m sober, and the weight and bullshit of the world, can only affect me, if I let it. 

Today I’m not going to let it, because I know that I am worthy, and can be successful in life; even though my story doesn’t fit the box.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Greetings from Chicago.

I’m in Chicago for four days with T, for his work. 

The cats are driving me insane, and I wish I had the I Dream of Genie nod or the Samantha nose wiggle going, so I could pause them all and have a chance to breathe for once. 

How is this vacation? Lol.

I have a lot on my mind, but I am sober; for that I am truly grateful.

I know that for me, that IS the most important thing. 

It’s Tuesday and I’m going to take a bubble bath…I figure why not.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ~Peaces of ME

Hope for Texas and myself.

Last days of Summer are here already; it’s in the air, and undeniable. 

Not sure how I feel about that.

I am five months, six days sober, and I think I’ve been doing fairly well keeping level and positive these last days.

I’ve got too many things to do, and not enough money to do it. Correction: I’ve got too many things I NEED to do, and not enough money to do it. 

Imagine that. 

I decided to change my availability at the PET HOTEL to, “just let me work, I don’t care what time, or what shift.“; in hopes I can get some kind of interview, and spend my time picking up dog and cat shit and talking to animals for money; while I work on my Etsy store and photography/art projects on the side.

I know the animals will help my mood significantly, and I need the money to pay my way into financial responsibility and self-worth again.

Seems legit. 

I’ve done WAY worse things to get money. Enough said.

I’m going to stay positive about it, because I really can’t afford not to. 

I’m well enough to work, I just need to do something that’s going to keep me positive.

For now I’m back to this Etsy thing….and I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be easier to just burn the shit I’m posting, instead. 

I’m grateful because I know that my situation could be way worse.

I think of the people in Texas and the surrounding areas that were affected by the flooding and rain; the children and animals and all of the chaos; the fear and confusion I know those people must be feeling or must have felt. 

I cannot imagine, and don’t want to.

I can’t complain about anything; because mostly I’m just pissed off at myself, my lack of responsibility for my own life, and the way I allowed myself to give up on ME.

I could tell you all my theories about what my issues are and were…but I decided to write a book instead, because it’s too deep to rattle off on a public blog all the time. 

I’ve been writing every day for weeks now, consistently.

It’ll come out when I get to that stage, whenever that is, and if it helps someone in the end besides myself, then it will have been worth writing fully. 

Today I’m just posting a picture of me from two days ago, so you can see I’m still taking it day by day; and still trying to be happy in the best way I can.

Please donate anywhere you are able to, to help the people of Hurricane Harvey rebuild their lives; and have the kind of aftercare, that they will need and deserve.

T and I are donating for now; but it’s got me to thinking about other ways I could help as well…and I want to.

How you can help Harvey victims/survivors

American Red Cross

Count your blessings every day, because you have many more than you realize. 

You do.

As always, Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

It’s going to rain. 

I’m on the hill outside listening to Trap and smoking, and I’m just going to sit in it. 

Why not.

The thing I’ve been learning lately is that it’s good to sit in your own silence, and focus more on the positive, instead of the negative. 

I say “more on the positive”, because I know the negative, will never completely go away.

I’m glad I’m sober and I’m glad I’m deciding not to be a dry drunk anymore. 

I don’t think I am all the time, but I think there’s lots of triggers I don’t need to subject myself to anymore, until I find out what’s going on with ME.

I know I need to find an inner peace in me, that I don’t have right now.

And that’s what I’m going to do.

I know that everything that is meant to be, works in it’s own way. 

Eventually I will find where I belong in life, and everything will even out. 

Today, as in right after I post this, I’m going to go work on my Etsy store.

I dont know if it’ll ever be truly successful, but I do know I have to work on it, or I’ll never know.

Usually I’d focus on things I can’t control, and there’s just no sense in that at all…because I need to control myself most of all.

Baby steps. Every day adds up.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

This I Know.

I work on myself because it makes me feel better about the shitty things I’ve done to other people, and MY life.

I want to leave a positive mark on the world in some way, so that my children and the people I love will remember my strengths, not my weaknesses. 

Nothing more. 

I will fight to do that.

And I’m going to win.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

A blog for me…Four months, twenty-nine days sober. 

First day that I have not woke up nauseous in a good while.

I’m grateful. 

I’m awake and motivated, and feeling rather confident.

I don’t feel manic or depressed.

It was a good morning.

I do know why. 

It’s because my anxiety is lower and I feel better in my head and heart about my relationship and life situation. 

I’m grateful.

I’m having needed discussions that are bringing me closer together with T, and filling up the empty spaces that I have inside too…because I get further understanding of him and of me as well.

I’m grateful for that, in all of it’s sticky facets.

Work is work, and that’s why they call it “work”.

It’s a scary feeling sometimes for me personally (I won’t lie); it’s part of my disease I think; 

but usually after you work at something consistantly, you are able to achieve something significant afterwards that matters to YOU.

Whether that be money, clarity, peace of mind, or whatever…something you need or want for your life.

It’s generally worth something in some way in the end, if you continue to work for it.

I guess I’m starting to feel like the steps will add up if I continue to build them for myself, and for T. Going up, suits us way better than going down, and that’s why I’m grateful my anxiety is down…and I feel better today. It allows me to focus on things I need to change in myself, and other things as well that are important to me; like my “career”. 

Whatever that is, or ends up being. Lol.

Every day is up and down naturally, but having needed discussions when we need to, puts a great deal of positivity back in me again.

I again today will actively try to be a better person by controlling what I choose to focus on, and not allowing negative thoughts to take over me.

I know that works for me. 

Learning about myself and how much I have things about me that I need to change was extremely overwhelming at first. 

REAL life, and my current state of mind these last months, has made me realize quickly, that I should embrace any challenge that I know will only make me a better, stronger person in the end…so I’m trying daily to do that; and today it’s just DO. 

I’m not trying today, I’m doing…

That’s why I’m glad I feel better.

Because I know if I can continue to be on the same level as T and work with him, the BS we go through, and will go through together will be manageable.

The shit we’ve been through will stay where it lies, dead and buried in the past, because that’s were it belongs and we can leave it there safely.

We can then focus on the things we need to do separately, to get “OUR” lives together; where we dream it should be; as a UNIT.

After the storm, comes the rainbow. 

I do feel a level of peace.

Thank God for herbal plants, and a man that truly loves me enough to fix himself from the inside out too; to make us healthier together.

I think that’s a true committment. 

I’m glad I am not afraid to admit my weaknesses, or to stand up for myself and my convictions.

I need to focus on listening more when I need to, and remembering always where I came from; and I know it.

I’m glad I’m working for my future today…and that I feel like I can, and it will mean something good to me in the end.

I’ll do what I have to, to make that feeling last, because I dig it fully. It suits me all day.

I am working towards staying strong as an individual, as well as being a better partner for the man I want to spend my life with, while still remaining myself (in better version like).

It IS indeed, a needed process.

It always starts with what I decide to focus on.

Today I am Seizing this day!

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

It’s raining, and I’m just thinking on blog…

The rain falls hard and to the side. It’s the kind that’s going to get you drenched no matter what, so don’t even bother with the umbrella. 

On the ledge my cat sleeps, and I’m surprised she’s not awake trying to play with the water droplets; the cat has a person in her that likes water very much; I’m almost positive. Lol.

I always say that, “My cats have people in them.” They are too human acting in their everyday ways, to make me not consider it frequently.

I’m tired today. My brain is tired. One thing about being bipolar, is that it takes a lot out of you sometimes. It’s hard to be up and down, up and down, like I am. I literally change moods when the wind blows, and I relish in the moments of true peace, because they seem to be so few and far between these last years. 

I think I need to find the parts of myself that hide away, and give them another firm talking to. I need to remember that I can’t control any single thing but myself; and I should most definitely start there.

Just because some things are harder than others to understand, doesn’t mean it’s not worth understanding. I’ve been many times on the other side of things; so I do know how it feels to be misunderstood and regretful.

I’m still needing more understanding.

I also think that I can’t discount my personal opinions and boundaries, just to accept something. 

Understanding doesn’t mean accepting, and work needs to be done on the actual problems that are REAL, or I will have no choice but to watch the rain, from another window.

I have made that commitment to myself, because I have to.

I am going day to day, and continuing to work on myself. It’s going to require a joint effort to get through…and I can only control, what I do.

No one is exempt from “change for the better”. I think it’s all about, how bad you want to change, and what you’ll do to get there.

I am four months, and twenty-eight days sober.

I made an intake appointment with a new therapist today.

Love Yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Even Ground…and solidifying a foundation.

I feel as close to “normal” today, as I’ve probably ever felt since I’ve been in Ohio.

I’m gonna’ take that, Alllll day; thank you.

As you’ve maybe read; I had been riding the emotional wave lately, for a good bit… for many valid reasons.

When I decided to come here to Ohio, it was because I didn’t see the point of staying in PA, when I knew I wanted to be with T. There was nothing keeping me at all where I was.

What I didn’t really expect, is how hard it would actually be. The idea of a life together and the reality of living life together…has been…two totally different things. 

It has been major work, and lots of stress. SO many good times…but also lots of shit. A lot has happened in a rather short period of time. 

I left everything I had aquired, besides my personals and cats; I moved into T’s house; I detoxed from all my synthetic meds; we became sober, and still work to stay that way daily; a lot of things and people have been put where they belong because they aren’t healthy outlets to have around, and don’t care at all about our actual well-being; a lot of uncertainties about major things have come up…

There is more work to do; and I’m sure at points, more stress to come as well.

We both struggle with fear of failure, and lives that have been pretty messed up…addictions, bipolar, childhoods that have been traumatic, stupid shit we’ve done to ourselves and each other….yadda,yadda.

Yeah, in theory the thought was WAY easier than what the actual reality has been.

I realized last night, that the “honeymoon” is over; and after talking last night with T, I saw our relationship for what it was…

When I think about where I would be if I hadn’t of come here, I think it comes down to me living vs. not living. 

In PA, I wasn’t really living.

I was just finally falling into the fact that I would always be on the system in some way, and always on some form of synthetic medication to cope with myself. I was in therapy with a therapist that did absolutely nothing for me but keep me in meds., and push me towards taking more. Then she quit, and I had to face the option, of starting over again; and staying in the same useless cycle of “pseudo safe”. I began relapsing; more than I wanted to admit. I was having horrible side effects and health issues from the meds I was on, and I was scared for my physical health in the future. I was dealing with an abusive, online relationship that I could not seem to end.

I didn’t think I’d ever find it in me, to open up to anyone really; let alone a male; ever again. One day I just decided that if I ever wanted a relationship again, and the kind of relationship I wanted…I would simply have to.

I did prefer to be alone most times, but I didn’t want to be alone forever….because I knew I had love to give; and wanted to give it to someone special; I wanted to “live” like that again.

One day I posted something really depressing about myself on Facebook…

I have over 550 “friends”, and over 850 people following every single move I make on there…

T was the only one to message me, to see if I was alright, and if I wanted to talk. I needed someone, and he was the only one that cared enough to care; and that’s “T”, in a nutshell. 

I love him more than I could express.

We talked for hours and hours that night (I mostly talked, and he listened) and that was the beginning of “us”, and our friendship that grew into a life together. 

We have told each other the darkest parts of ourselves; and in doing so, over this past year and a half or so of knowing him; we’ve grown together in a way, that I know not either one of us expected.

At times I know it was a choice for both of us to stay in, and keep trying…because we both can be total assholes when we don’t actively try to control ourselves. We found that out quick, and we don’t go there anymore.

I am SO proud of him, and the both of us; for staying sober like we have. I know without each other, we wouldn’t have chose to do it. We care about each other too much, to let each other live in that demon-filled place in our heads anymore, and for that I will always be grateful. 

I know that he is there for me; and I know he knows I’m there for him too.

You can’t give something like that up, because it was more work than you’d thought it would be.

THIS IS LIFE….NOT FACEBOOK.

It’s a concious choice to keep growing together, and moving forward together at this point.

I don’t think it will end, and I don’t want it to.

I always wonder why things work the way they work, but I know that I wasn’t looking for anything at all…. and then T came into my life…and I came into his. 

We found each other when we were supposed to, I think.

I believe that true, open communication is the only thing that could ever keep a relationship strong and healthy.

So for as hard as it has been; we have always, always been able to communicate. Sometimes it can be tricky at first; but it always comes; and I’ve never been able to do that in a healthy way, in any other relationship that I’ve ever had. 

I always hid myself in some way, because I didn’t think anybody could ever truly care about me, as a person, like that. 

He makes me feel alive, and encourages me to just be who I am. Everybody else has tried to shove me in a box that I have no way of fitting, because I’m not made to be kept in boxes.

He’s not afraid of my strengths, and doesn’t judge my weaknesses, because he’s been there too; and we both have both in us.

He’s simply the best thing in my life…and pushes me to be better.

I feel better because I know that as long as we keep trying together and communicating, we’re going to keep growing together, and becoming better people together; and in ourselves as well. 

We push each other to become better people. I can’t see that being NOT worth it. 

It IS worth it.

To me, all of this, has been worth it. Like I said it just clicked for me last night; I was thinking about it in a totally  different way, than I should have  been. 

I decided to add up all the positives, instead of the negatives…and that’s made all the difference.

It’s just good to feel good again about “us”; because I was unsure about a lot of things, and now I’m not. I also always promised myself, that I would never let our relationship get, to the point where it could not be fixed. 

We were friends first, and he is my bestist…he means too much to me to lose him.

I’m pretty sure he feels the same.

I know, that I still have a lot of work to do on letting go of some things that bother me inside.  I also know that everything T and I have gone through in these last months…proves that we can indeed get through just about anything if we put our minds to it. 

WE HAVE. We WILL.

I need to do my part too.

I’m glad I started remembering that again.

There was a comment on my last blog, about how “love was “work”, but it was the best kind of work to do.” 

I agree. The feeling I get, every time I see this man smile, makes me want to always be there for him, with him,…and never let him down, ever. 

I am blessed to have him in my life, and without him I know it’d never be the kind of life, that I’d want it to be. 

Truth and Communication is everything; so is being happy  and healthy in the life you lead. 

Every day I am alive, I will fight for that; for my children; and for him. 

This I know for sure. It’s the only thing that matters to me now. 

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME