Frustration.

Some guy walked by, while I was crying in my car at the cemetery; perfect I know.

See me hurt. Isn’t it funny. Isn’t it dramatic.

FU.

You couldn’t have taken the other turn. No. You had to walk straight towards MY car.

I don’t like strangers walking by two feet away from me; watching me cry.

I would have taken the other direction.

Last thought I’m keeping to myself.

₩alk away from the feeling.

Because it’s not worth it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

This is just me writing my thoughts again.

I feel like it’s ok to run in a pack of one.

And so I do again.

I’m not getting any younger; and that’s why I think it’s important to have quality over quantity, at this point in life. I’m sure I’ve written that before. I say it a lot.

I admit that I have trust issues. It’s because I didn’t get the things I needed emotionally speaking, growing up. That was the base.

It made a mark on me; and I am sorry.

I poured myself into all kinds of things and people that didn’t matter in the end, throughout my life; because most of those things and people brought a lot of hurt as well for me. Tons of lessons.

It did matter. And does matter that I was hurt each time. No matter how much it shouldn’t, according to whoever; it still will matter to ME.

My whole life has been confusing, and lately; I’ve just been thinking a lot about life.

I’ve got to get out more; and do more things.

I need to get into therapy and learn how to be less emotional. Stop caring about people that don’t care. Stop harboring.

I can’t do anything if I don’t do it; and so I’m writing this to remind myself that I have to stop thinking so much, because it stops me from doing.

By now, im almost 47. I’m smart enough to make smart decisions.

So I just have to make them.

I guess I know I made the wrong choices in the past. But I also feel a lot of people took advantage of the way I was as a person. The problem with me is that I trust people too much; I always have.

I want to believe that people won’t hurt me. But they usually do; and don’t care at all.

This is why I don’t people.

And I’m trying to get past that; so I can people again.

It’s the hardest thing for me to trust you. When I do; it means I won’t ever again if you spite me.

I don’t know how I can change that fact about me.

I’ve had so many people straight up lie to me in my life; and then talk shit about me like I deserved it. I literally cannot even give you the numbers. A lot.

I’m trying to get back to the point in my head; before I knew how people really were, for the most part.

People call me a bitch all the time; because I will not put up with dishonesty from people anymore.

And I’m not nice when you betray me. I don’t want to be nice.

Just like you wouldn’t want to be.

What is the difference between you and me.

So yeah, I just want to have someone talk me down. Help with my anxiety by teaching me skills, I obviously don’t have.

I guess next is therapy for me; but it kind of pisses me off that I need it again.

I just don’t trust anyone right now; and so I’ll have to pay someone to listen….because I need some reasoning from a third, non-involved party.

I haven’t read this back, so I’m sure I’m just running on at the mouth;

But it wouldn’t be the first time at all; that a thought I had, got out of control.

It happens.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Beautiful Lie.

I am tired of the ashes hitting my eyes.

In every regard; I am tired of feeling like the wounded bird, and the cat that bats at it’s prey; one in the same.

To thine ownself be true?

What is my truth.

What is yours.

J. Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Fifteen months sober. Through.

I’ve realized a lot of stuff about myself today.

Some things clicked that really needed to. That they do for me sometimes; and then I know what to do next.

My hands hurt; but my heart not so much anymore.

I’ve been grieving for a really long time, about a lot of things in my life.

And life is just too short to put people that don’t appreciate me; around me.

I’m not the kind of girl, who will just bend over and take it anymore.

Most are intimidated by the fight in me. Especially when they treat me poorly. That is why I try to be honest about who I am, straight away.

I’m educated. I’m smart. I do suck at Math. I know more about life than a great percentage; and most of the stuff I know of life; has bashed me over the head with nowhere to go but through. I’ve been through it.

I’m through.

When you have depleted every try you have in you over something. When you cannot see any positivity left in something. You must go THROUGH IT.

That includes removing yourself completely from the situation.

That is what I have done. Again.

Currently sitting in my own apartment; tired, and blogging this.

I have an MRI appointment in the morning, and a bed set being delivered before I go to work, in the late afternoon.

A money issue again. Who doesn’t have them; I know.

I’m also not surprised by the reason.

It’s hard to slow down. I was just staring at the moon and wondering why life is the way it is, earlier.

I had to make myself eat; but I am healthy; other than my stress level.

I’m strong. I have a good heart, and a ruthless streak for people that try to bring other people misery on purpose. Especially ME.

I can’t apologize for that.

When someone shows you proof that they have a diagnosed mental condition like PTSD. You should listen, and not think it’s a joke.

I’m done suffering uneedingly; with anything or anyone.

Why stay in that?

And if that means that I will have to struggle more than some in whatever way…well what’s new.

I’m over it.

I’m sober. I have remained that way; because I know it will kill me if I don’t.

The same goes for some people and my PTSD.

People that are spiteful for sport, will always lose with me. People that don’t try to become better people, will always stay miserable; and that’s not something I want for my life; or want to be around; or triggered by any further.

I’m not miserable when im around people who don’t go out of their way to trigger me, and play mind games.

People that do; will just have to listen to what I have to say, until they get the fact that I’m not having it.

OR; I cut them out of my life completely because they completely suck the life out of me, every time I see them.

Who needs it. I don’t.

I’m sober and alive and Jenni.

That’s good enough for ME. For real.

Next chapter please.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

~Disappear Here~

PTSD; You Kill ME.

It takes a lot for me to stay positive sometimes.

Today is one of those days.

I put a lot of pressure on myself.

In general.

If I don’t; I won’t do anything at all, but fold.

But what’s the point in that?

I can’t function down there anymore.

I just want to feel more positive; and I don’t today, because today was full of things I can’t control.

Sometimes things don’t make sense to me… and it hurts.

Most people do not know that I am hyper-sensitive to a lot of things.

I avoid certain things as much as I can, so I know I won’t have to stress out about it.

I need to cry; but don’t want to.

And that’s an issue for me.

Thanks PTSD.

You’re not getting my vote.

FU.

Breathe no matter what.

Staying positive and breathing through anxiety is what I can do EVERY time.

I just got out of work a little while ago. I stopped to clear my mind a bit. Now I’m going home and taking a bubble bath. Then I’ll eat Chinese and watch a movie. My animals are going to love it. (LOL)

I work tomorrow morning at 6:30. Not a day off in sight.

Missing my kids; but knowing everything is fine; and will be somehow.

I’ve been doing a lot of test shots with my camera. I have things I want to work on. I hope that I can find the time to do that; I need a new tripod; so that will happen after work tomorrow.

I can only hope and believe that tomorrow will be great…

Go from there.

It’s maybe not the most glamorous life for me right now; but it is mine.

I am one year, two months, and twenty-two days sober.

EVERY day that makes me smile. 🙂

I hope your Sunday was peaceful; and you kept cool.

{Working for the weekend}, starts tomorrow.

Yeah; I know it’s a Loverboy lyric. It was intentional; and I’ll always be a lyric whore.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Never Let Me Down.

So, here’s the change in me. Every day it is new. Every day I am growing. It is a slow, but assured thing; that I am excited about.

I have boundaries. I have to. I like it that way. I’m happy I’m able to be free to be ME again. I’m NOT actively hurting now. I can be strong and keep healing.

It’s a good thing; like my boundaries.

I beat all the worst parts of myself into submission. I lined them up; and made them ALL accountable for their actions. I made peace with myself. Every, single quirk I have, and ever had, as well. I Let go of the fact that I spent so long screwing up my life….for whatever reasons they were. I vowed to never stoop to that level again.

Because what is this life for anyways? For ME; surely not to be an alcoholic, piece of shit mother, and person…which is what I was.

That is not my path. That was the path my sickness and mental disorder wanted me to take.

I am NOT my alcoholism; I am NOT the bad parts of my mental disorder. At the end of the day, I know right from wrong. At the end of the day, noone can save me from myself; but ME.

I KNEW I was better than THAT.

It was only THEN that I started to see my path appear. It was only then; that I wanted to LIVE…and started fighting to.

Be your own change for yourself. Start by not letting yourself down EVER again. That’s what I’m doing with the hard things in my life; and what I recommend for others trying to change their unhealthy ways and flaws. It takes daily practice in the beginning and you will fail. When you are used to chaos and self-sabotage; it takes daily decision making to keep yourself from doing stupid stuff. It is SO worth it to REALLY be accountable to yourself; and think things through before you fold. It emanates to every avenue of your life; and soon you’ll start to see…that the hard things you’ve been through in your life, and by yourself; can be dramatically less. You have choices about how you ARE. Start inspiring yourself to keep going no matter what.

Allow yourself the time and let go of things you can’t change. Make NEW memories always.

Let go; and let live.

I don’t know how I am still alive; or how I got to this place in my life; but I know for a long time, I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t anything but ok. You could totally tell that I was not ok; as my actions proved it… so. It didn’t get me anywhere.

I couldn’t be more grateful today; to finally feel like I am actually LIVING. I’m glad I stopped synthetics and alcohol. Every day. I removed negative things in my life because I have to now.

I’m single; but I’m really ok with that; and getting better on that fact daily. I’m focusing on personal goals. Staying sober, getting an apartment, work, my kids, travel, other family and true friends, being responsible, projects and goals I want to achieve; but over all of that… having fun doing all of it!!!

Alone is fine.

Today I am one year, two months, and 12 days sober.

I have accomplished many goals within this period of time; that in the beginning of this; I did not think I could achieve. Like staying sober.

That’s different for me now.

The more I live with honesty; the easier it becomes to know the way.

I’m not a Jesus Crispy at all; OR a perfect person by far. I just think that the only thing that really matters in something; is the intention behind it.

I’m tired of wasting time on things that don’t matter; like people that don’t appreciate me, and things that make me hurt. I know for a fact that life comes and goes in the blink of an eye, and I DON’T want to miss it.

Day off. Im still doing things.

I am living for today. 🙂

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

What Does it Have to Take?

Just heard that legally owned guns, were used in the Texas school shooting; so that whole argument is SHIT.

Kids killing other kids; to prove they are somebody.

Please get some mental health professional teams up in these schools; and change these kids way of thinking before we have a whole generation of kids that have lost people they love; before they are even able to process it properly; because they are KIDS.

That’s happening.

I have to care because I have kids in school. I have to care; because I don’t think it’s right to let these kinds of traumas be the norm for kids nowadays.

It’s not right that we look away and deny the issues.

There are TOO many kids that fall through the cracks of life. I know all about that.

Every child you help get through something that is hard for them to cope with in life; is a child that feels value.

When a child feels value, they can literally excel to any level.

It’s NOT Rocket Science. It’s a common sense approach to actually helping the world and the kids that will be running it in the future; and disrupting the unhealthy cycles of the world”s workings.

Change.

The fact that most schools do not have set teams of professionals to deal with the emotional BS of being a kid in a world like today, astounds me.

Does anybody care at all unless it affects them?

People are so desensitized to reality; that no one will believe it when the world finally DOES blow up.

We are all burning already.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME