I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how things constantly change in life, and about how much I resisted the changes in mine at different stages because I was afraid of failing.

Every person that wants to be successful, dreams of the day when they can finally level-up enough to be satisfied.

In a world like today, what does that even mean anymore?

Her spirit is young but her eyes are old.

She has seen the sunset come and go a million times.

The light is never the same light twice.

At the thought of the ones that were lost too soon; she weeps for them when her bottom falls out, and she is staring into the abyss wondering why there needs to be a reason.

Feeling whole inside is a journey that begins with the active, daily choice to participate in your own life.

Investing in your emotional health every day = loving yourself = feeling better = being better = BETTER LIFE 🙂

Let go of the negative influences that make you second-guess your gut instincts.

It is essential to protect your gut instinct, and use it. Without it, you will drown in a literal sea of bad choices, and most likely not survive it at all.

Admitting that you need to get control of your life is the first step, in whatever area of your life that it may be.

It won’t be easy and that’s ok. Don’t worry. This is the start of a new destination to a better you.

Now that you’ve admitted it, you can actually begin.

Being honest with yourself means you’re actually going places now.

Trust your gut.

*Smiles to self.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~ Peaces of ME

Jenni was Here.

When I write, I feel a sense of decompression as the words leave my brain and come into sentence.

It makes room.

Eventually there will be nothing left to say, and this will be all that remains of me.

It’s documented proof that I fight the fight, and live this life.

Writing about my life has been the most freeing and beneficial thing I have done for myself, for my mental health, and also for my recovery; which will be an on-going, life-long process.

I’m good with that.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

SHE

I breathe in deeply as the last light bounces off the branches, and across the rolling field into the horizon.

She is a wonder of a thing, Mother Nature. She is my strength; something wonderous I can see and feel in times when only stolen moments with her will suffice.

I am reminded of the gifts she gives to us all on the tips of dusky nights like this.

My mind wanders with a million flutters…

The lessons I’ve lived through. The gifts I have inside me and in my life. This gift of peace in life that I’ve never known before.

I worked hard for it, and still do. It is nice to finally be feeling the results of some of the work.

She reminds of how blessed I am to feel life again after being lost for so long. I know it’s because I didn’t give up on myself, that I am able to even feel it.

She whispers daily to go slow…

To never forget what this moment feels like…

To always remember that I am not alone.

To be kind.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

These days it feels like I can breathe again.

It helps to know that you are ok, and that you no longer have to struggle. This is what I hold on to now.

Warm memories of your smile and laughter fill my heart when I think of you.

Yesterday you turned 14 years old. I still find myself wondering how I ever got so lucky to have you in my life, and I’m still forever grateful for the time we had together.

Thank you for helping me see that there can still be light when you are traveling through a storm.

You are the light in my dark and always will be.

I miss you. Every day.

I know you are flying now.

I know you are free.

I love you to the moon and back.

Fly away Karty.

J. Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

I’m In the Driver’s Seat of My Life. How’s Your Driving?

Two years and twenty-three days on the sober front for me today.

It’s hard to miss being a drunk, so I don’t.

I did a road trip to Michigan last weekend.

I have decided to move back to Michigan at the end of July and went to Michigan this past weekend to talk it over with my mom and sisters. Of course, I also spent time with my children and niece and discussed it with them as well (kid-friendly version 🙂 ) It was my middle sister’s Birthday too.

Great trip.

Here’s where I’m at in my head……

The regretful thoughts on all the time I missed out on with them are there every time I see my family and children, not gonna’ lie. I also know to build anything of real value in the future between any of them, I must let that go and focus on the present.

It was more than fulfilling to have conversations with both my sisters and mother about letting those thoughts go, and it makes it easier to know that I am loved, even though I’ve done some of the most disgusting things in my life, and allowed myself to fall more times than I care to admit.

That didn’t work out so well.

We all fall, it’s how we get back up when we feel like we can’t that makes all the difference.

Surely.

It is clear to me after this trip, that moving back is the right choice and the best option for my future. Now everyone that needs to know does, including where I work and my children.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared because I am for quite a few reasons, but I know that I could never be there for my kids or family in the capacity that I want to be if I’m over four hours away and it is hard for me to physically be there in the first place.

Now comes the details part, which is daunting, to say the least, but doable if I apply myself and just use my brain.

I’m sure I’ll have to do some sacrificing on something, so I’m breaking it down into a more manageable and realistic plan than I had originally envisioned it.

Modify.

Make it work.

I’m definitely not afraid to try to build some sort of solid future for myself, and let’s face it; I’ve moved so many times I’ve lost count.

Really, if I had to boil it down…

I know that it is my fear of failing that is making me scared.

I am a perfectionist. I was around people growing up that had to have it a certain way. It is something that I struggle with and it does hold me back. STILL…

I am a perfectionist.

So for all intents and purposes, much of my sober life now has been about letting go of some of that perfectionism.

I’m older now, and definitely wiser by way of hard lessons and truths learned the hard way.

I realized that you can’t stop time. You can try, but you will fail.

Time heals. Time changes everything.

Time does not stop for anything or anyone.

It is best to realize that straight away and deal with life head-on.

Live.

The fear that used to keep me now is the very thing I use to drive me forward.

If I fail, at least I can say I tried. Better than not trying at all.

What better thing to fight for than a healthy relationship with my kids and family?

Image courtesy of:

@gilamby_trending #gilambytrending

I think it’ll make me a lot better too. Feel better. Do better. Be better.

It’s surely a win in all regards.

It’s a money thing now; also organizing that BS with my “no time to travel to Michigan to look for places to live” issue.

Modify.

Make it work.

This is the plan.

I will miss Ohio because of the friends I’ve made and the bonds I’ve formed with the animals at work.

I can’t stop time.

Anything I can do in Ohio, I can do in Michigan.

Two years and twenty-three days ago, I wouldn’t have been able to say that I could truthfully be a positive role model in my children lives.

Now I can.

It is not the same relationship anymore and I think that’s ok. It does and has the potential to be better than the one I had before, and that means it’s moving forward.

That means everything.

I’m so excited to have my family back in my life. I was so angry for so long, but mostly the person I was angry with was myself.

I never in my life, gave myself the credit for the good things in me; only the bad.

Today I’m loving the fact that the world seems “doable” for me. Even if I have to take it in peaces and parts and string it together.

Becoming sober again, actually feeling my feelings rather than suppressing them, and re-wiring some of my negative thought processes to healthier ones, has given me the realization that

I’m the one in the driver’s seat of my life; no one else.

I’m a good driver now because I’m mindful and truthful about my struggles.

My life means something to me now. That is the greatest gift of it.

Where will I go from here?

Where will YOU go?

Please stay strong in your heart. It’s ok to ask for help when you need it. Most of all, remaining positive and mindful when you are not is key.

Love yourself.

Things will change for the better.

You can believe it because I am living proof.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

2 years.

I’m sliding into a depression and I can feel myself trying not to.

One of the hardest things for me about being bipolar is that I can’t figure out why, out of the blue, my moods will change. I can’t figure out why sometimes I feel depressed when there is nothing happening that is that pressing to really cause it.

It feels like I’m whining, even when it’s true feelings inside me.

I hate it. I hate that I feel all over the place on some days….STILL. It keeps me from wanting to be around people. It holds me back from talking more to my kids as well.

It is hard to embrace anything that challenges me in a negative way, but especially something that I know that I can never change about myself.

Can’t I just feel happy?!

I know everybody has shit they go through and things they have to deal with.

I can just as easily choose to be happy.

Today I put on a brave face because I am actually two years sober today, and I have met a huge personal goal.

I mostly feel ashamed that I am feeling depressed, because I know I should be feeling happier.

I remember what it was like being a drunk. I know how hard I’ve worked for this sobriety and healing.

But for all realistic purposes, I am a work in progress that just wanted to go back to sleep this morning.

I’m forcing myself to go outside and to do whatever I have to do to distract myself away from my own negative thoughts.

I’m still happy that I am not on synthetic meds. I’m still grateful for my life even though sometimes I feel like I just waste it on this brain of mine.

Loving myself and telling myself I’m worth it anyways.

Worth it to myself anyway.

Focusing on being mindful.

Focusing on my breath and remembering that this too shall pass…and that I’m a pretty ok girl nowadays, despite.

I also only pushed the Grammarly edit buttons while typing this, so I have no idea at all how this reads.

Ttyl. ❤

Thanks for reading.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Choices. Don’t screw it up Jenni.

Big things to decide this summer.

One is where I will live when my lease is up.

I do not know if I should stay in Ohio or go back to Michigan.

It will be a big task to move states again.

The only thing keeping me in Ohio is a $9/hr job, and the fact that I won’t have to start all over again…AGAIN.

I think of the potential opportunities it could bring regarding my relationships with my children, and then I go back and think again how they might not even want that……

me in their lives on a more regular, consistent basis.

The last thing I want is to make things hard for anyone or myself…but I can’t shake the feeling that it is indeed time to go home again.