What Does it Have to Take?

Just heard that legally owned guns, were used in the Texas school shooting; so that whole argument is SHIT.

Kids killing other kids; to prove they are somebody.

Please get some mental health professional teams up in these schools; and change these kids way of thinking before we have a whole generation of kids that have lost people they love; before they are even able to process it properly; because they are KIDS.

That’s happening.

I have to care because I have kids in school. I have to care; because I don’t think it’s right to let these kinds of traumas be the norm for kids nowadays.

It’s not right that we look away and deny the issues.

There are TOO many kids that fall through the cracks of life. I know all about that.

Every child you help get through something that is hard for them to cope with in life; is a child that feels value.

When a child feels value, they can literally excel to any level.

It’s NOT Rocket Science. It’s a common sense approach to actually helping the world and the kids that will be running it in the future; and disrupting the unhealthy cycles of the world”s workings.

Change.

The fact that most schools do not have set teams of professionals to deal with the emotional BS of being a kid in a world like today, astounds me.

Does anybody care at all unless it affects them?

People are so desensitized to reality; that no one will believe it when the world finally DOES blow up.

We are all burning already.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The Fallout is never as epic, as it is in your head.

I mostly feel run over.

This time spent building nothing but a pipe-dream of a life with you….

It was no life at all in the end.

No grounds to stand on; never was. No way to get through the walls you built; or for that matter; no way to get through MY walls to get to you….anymore.

That is what the damage really is.

This is the loss.

The loss of someone who doesn’t feel the same way about me; as I did about him.

Literally made me into an enemy; to feed the thoughts in his head.

Is it really a loss if it was all based on mistruths and secrets? Is it really a loss when that person doesn’t skip a beat; and moves on with life like it never meant anything? Chooses the easy, instead of the work to make things better. Prefers to be without you; because the reality is too hard.

There’s the answer; and it’s not a new one.

I wont feel bad about that. It’s not really a loss; because it’s actually a lesson.

Today I will focus on loving myself and doing things for myself that will get me moving forward again, and where I belong.

I think losing faith in one thing; or a person; doesn’t mean you have to lose faith in everything.

My obvious disappointment will not deter me from bigger and better opportunities in my life.

Fear will.

That’s the work I have to keep doing.

It has nothing to do with whatever guy is riding beside me; or what relationship I’m in/out of….or not.

A man doesnt make me; I DO.

People walk in and out of my life every day.

I am never afraid to let the ones that are not strong enough to stay; walk away.

They were not meant to be in my life; or they would be.

My choice; is to know that it doesn’t decrease my value as a person.

And it never did.

My issues are mine; and yours are yours.

Although I will miss some things; I’m moving forward knowing that I don’t have to look back this time.

I don’t have to have it all figured out.

That’s freeing.

Love yourself.

I will miss the idea of who you pretended be.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

DNA cancer screen results.

DNA Cancer screen appointment was pretty much nothing.

I have a slightly elevated risk of getting breast cancer; due to the fact my mother had it. I do not carry the gene though that would make me get it for sure. So….

Six month checkups on the ta tas. Regular mammogram, then MRI mammogram.

Everything else is normal…so NOT dying. Some good news to hear for me.

Ttyl.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

And Then There Was ONE…

I am honest in the fact that I am flawed; because I believe the only way to change those flaws; is to admit that they are there in the first place.

The competition is with myself; and noone else. I am not responsible for things that are not in my control; only MY self, MY actions and reactions, MY immediate surroundings, and who I let into MY life.

This is the first time in my life that I have actively been sober for more than three months; since 2008. It has been one year, one month, and eighteen days, today; that I made the solid choice and action of stopping the drinking and the denial that was killing my life…FOR GOOD. This is the first time in my life that I have actively been myself for an extended period of time; and not felt like I needed to make it comfortable for everyone else.

I DO NOT REGRET IT IN ANY WAY.

I keep reminding myself that this is reality; and I need to keep actively living in it. DAILY.

I keep reminding myself that I have to put the work in to make my life healthier, and to be a better person; every, single day. EVERY DAY.

Even if it means that I will be afraid. Even if it means I will have to feel emotional pain and uncomfortable feelings to let go. Even if it means I will be tired and overwhelmed sometimes from trying. Even if I have to admit that I STILL have ways of thinking about certain things; that need to be understood, and changed…so I can be at peace inside. Even if it means being physically alone. I know I am stronger than my fears. I know I am stronger than the hurt. I KNOW I can do this life of mine constructively.

I know what I need to do, to get what I need for my emotional health. I’m DOING.

My life is changing today, and I am afraid.

I know I will be ok. I am not afraid to say out loud that I am still flawed….and I might always be.

Being healthy is more important than anything else….

I need to heal from some stuff, for sure.

Today I will focus on that healing.

I’m getting used to being alone in my own space again for the first time in over a year-and-a-half.

It feels scary, but I’m ready.

I don’t feel bad about it anymore…the fact that I will be alone again. I feel like I’m being a logical adult; and actively making my life more stable; because it’s the right thing to do for my life; and also for thee entire situation.

I am still afraid a bit though. I don’t think it’d be change if I wasn’t in some regard.

Grace through adversity; is all I can do for now about it.

That is what I am doing at this point, until I figure out my next move.

My story doesn’t end here…I think it’s just getting started really.

Life is about living it; and embracing the moments and lessons that come to you; without regret…no matter how they come.

I will live today without regret; and have faith in the choices I have made for my life and future…because I believe in MYself.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Wait… So you can wait some more.

I mentioned a while back, that I had taken a cancer screening DNA test; because I do not know any medical history, on my biological Father’s side.

I need that medical information for myself, and for my children.

I was called this week and asked to come in for the results. It’s a little concerning to me; because the nurse told me the day I took the test; that if there were no concerns, they’d call me with the results. Well they called; but won’t give me any results’ about the test… until I go in to the office.

It doesn’t help that the appointment was for today, at 3:30pm; and they called to tell me I had to reschedule, because their computers were down; an hour beforehand, while I was at work.

It’s REALLY, just that the Doctors are not wanting to stay late on a Friday; because when I called back to re-schedule…magically the computer system was up and running again; my appointment time had already past…and all the Doctors had left early for the day.

Awesome.

Now I wait until Monday morning before work to find out what’s going on.

Awesome.

I think it’s pretty shitty that they would just cancel an appointment like that; give me no information at all about the test results; and make me wait and worry for three more days. But at least they could go home early. (Y)

Obviously, there is no regard; or they wouldn’t have called me an hour before the appointment time. If I did that to them, they would charge me a fee …

What fee do I charge THEM; for DNA cancer results they made me wait for?

“Do as I say; not as I do.”

Pff…ok. Seems legit.

The sarcasm dripping off that comment, couldn’t get any more drippy.

Enough said.

ONE Life.

I have to remind myself today that I only have ONE LIFE; one voice.

I know that I do not want to waste time on negativity and feeling upset inside.

Even though I do not feel positive all of the time, every day; I can still consciously shift my shitty mood to positive; by not dwelling on stuff; that’ll do nothing but pollute my head with things that don’t need to be there.

Thinking positive thoughts helps me feel more positive. If I tell myself all of the negative, outlandish, worst-case scenarios all the time…well, I know for a fact that that’s not living to my full potential.

I’m being true to myself today.

I’m thinking rationally about most situations now. Delaying my reaction time to things. I still need to work on myself, and parts of me that make me anxious and angry though. It doesn’t help anything, or anyone.

I’ve been looking into some behavioral therapies that I’ve been discussing with my best friend. They are nothing like all the “talking about nothing that matters” therapies, that I’ve had before. I need to learn ways to remain chill; when I feel like punching someone. I don’t like the build up of anxiety I feel sometimes. Hopefully with some effort, I can find a decent place that I can afford; that is not hooked up to these Medicade related places I’ve been to every other time. I feel like most medicaid-related help involves, just wanting you in the system; and on the meds so they can make their money. It’s not because they actually care about me being well and being happy.

It still amazes me how Doctors look at me like I’m nuts; for not wanting to hook myself on synthetics to “normalize” again. I still don’t care what other people say about it at all. Maybe THIS, IS my Normal.

I DO hope to find a genuine therapist; who’s primary mission is to help people heal the traumas they carry within them.

It is naive to think that I would have a long-term understanding of myself at this point….because let’s face it; I’m STILL on a journey to parts of myself that I’ve never even known before.

I only know that I will get there; some how; some way.

And yeah; I’m THAT passionate about it. It matters that I feel at peace in this world. It matters that I stay “Jenni” in the process.

“I think it’s ok to admit that some parts of our lives don’t always make sense at the moment we need them to.”

I also think that’s what doing the work is all about.

Learning patience when you’ve never had any; is a skill that’ll help you out too…if you can make yourself focus long enough to actually do it.

It takes practice. I practice every day. I fail almost every day; in some regard; too.

It’s mostly uncomfortable; with pivitol moments that allow me to feel as if I was made for something more than what I’ve been doing; and putting out more good things to the people I love; and the world.

I’d like a more continual, peaceful vibe from me; going out into the world.

I really don’t care about anything else; but increasing my truly peaceful moments in life.

The parts where I KNOW I have this; instead of the telling myself that I have it…. until I believe it.

It’s getting better and better every day.

Patience….

Learning to embrace the fact that I don’t have everything all figured out; is a HUGE step in moving forward daily; and allows me to take the time I need to do it properly and effectively.

I’m actually putting in effort where there was none before really….regarding my life; so………

When I get to feeling too frustrated about whatever it may be, or whomever it may be; I try my hardest to turn inward; and focus on the negative parts about myself that I can work on instead. I know eventually, I’ll be able to figure out what to do, about the areas of “what the actual fuck”, in my life; if I keep to this system.

There are things to still be grateful for, after all.

I’m working on being a better version of me today; because I owe it to myself. I sometimes wonder where it will take me; but I know in the end, that better is never a bad thing.

L

ove yourself.
J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

I am No Mother Theresa. A Free-writing piece.

Edited meme of a movie poster/Mother Theresa quote. Original source in image link.

I am no Mother Theresa.

I respect her fully though.

She was the kind of human being I’ve always held in regard. Someone that was closer to perfect than I could ever be.

A “proper” role model.

I’m sure there are flaws there though…simply because of the fact that she was human, and just another person.

I also struggle with knowing if there is anything after this life, and what it is; but also feeling like because I just wrote that about M.T.; it’ll go on the list of things I’ll go to hell over for saying, I’m sure.

Figure that run-on sentence out. (Lol)

Sorry, not sorry; but I really just don’t think that God has anything to do with it….

Being a decent person, that is.

I also really don’t know if there is a heaven or a hell.

“To thine own self be true.”

Intent matters more than anything in life…..in my opinion anyways.

For someone like me; being decent and honest is a healthy “addiction”.

I know it to be a better way of living; compared to my former way, and BS. Far less drama….far less self-loathing….far less hurt, and hurt-inducing properties.

I have taken all the things I’ve learned in life (usually the hard way); and I have finally decided, to use them to my benefit.

I can change my perspective and make peace with myself and others in my own time, now. I can let go of trauma that I harbor and carry; at my own pace, now. I can re-learn my ways of thinking to the way I feel best about myself; and not be afraid of others’ opinions, now. I can form healthy connections in my mind where it misfires, now. I can teach myself, now. I can learn from other people, and incorporate it into my life, now. I can find ways to form healthy connections with the world, and in my daily relationships with people, now. I can actively help others instead of hurting them, now. I can do what I say I’m going to do, now. I can stay sober, now. I can do the right thing, now. I can have confidence in myself, now. Some sort of integrity and pride in myself NOW.

I can ramble on a public blog about stuff that feels like only I care about; and not be afraid; or even care; that people won’t like me, now.

Those all are choices I make daily to do. It was always my choice to do. My life has always been…MY LIFE. Hard to accept that fact sometimes; but yes.

It’s not easy all the time at all; but effort is the answer to my life. NOT living like a victim to my mental issues, addictions, and problems.

Also; just for the record; as a side- thought…

I think it’s so ironic that “we” (including myself…I have said it too, and meant it at the time) expect people with mental disorders to feel any sort of value in themselves; when behind their backs or even on TV; Everywhere really… we call people with issues “crazy” or worse; and then treat them as if they don’t have one single brain in their head.

I started to think about my own negative ways of thinking about mental issues.

We pump people with mental issues full of synthetic drugs, and then blame them for needing the drugs. We make them feel as if they could never function normally without them.

It’s the main reason people’s issues generally escalate. There is a massive, world-wide stigma about how we can’t get better too. A victim mentality.

I know, because I was caught in it. Trapped in it.

It’s no wonder everyone seems so lost all the time…. Afraid to be themselves.

You buy into the BS….that’s what your life becomes.

I am NOT a victim anymore of anything….OR the world. I am NOT crazy.

I had to re-learn a lot of my ways of thinking, and realize how much I was missing out on by thinking I couldn’t change anything about the bad parts of myself.

Not true.

The only thing you do; by living that way, and thinking that about yourself; is waste time NOT living; and being stuck in unhealthy cycles, that will always seem impossible to escape.

You hurt others with your negativity.

You hurt yourself.

Something in you, has to find a way to change.

It’s not about religion. It’s not about what people think of you.

It’s about what you think about yourself.

It’s about saving your own self, from a life-time of suffering and destruction….wasted time….

And making the choice to not buy in. Living life on life’s terms. Being the change, by doing what’s best for your soul….not being avictim to the bad things that happen in life. Not putting yourself and keeping yourself in the cycle.

I’d like to think that I’m on the good side of life now.

Yeah, I edited a Mother Theresa quote because I don’t fully agree with it; but so what?

I know I try to live consciously and truthfully; and without regret now.

I know I’ve rambled again; but I feel better too.

I know someone’s going to get what I’m saying; and others not at all….

It IS, after all….ME.

I’m good with that.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

It’s not Impossible and is Never too Late, to Change the Negative Things You Grew up Learning. 

Change is hard, when you are conditioned to believe a certain way; or have conditioned yourself to think a certain way; because that’s the way you’ve always known for so long.

That does not mean that change is not possible, if it is something that you really choose to do for yourself.

People do it every day. 

You can be one of those people.

…………………………………………………….

I used to feel afraid of saying how I felt, because I thought that no one cared to hear me; or I would offend someone because I had an opinion that didn’t match theirs; or I would get in trouble some how.

In the end, the only one that suffered for it….was ME

When I was a child…many times just walking into the room, would cause my step-father to react badly to me. Especially if he had been drinking.  I was conditioned to believe that I needed to be a certain way… or stay away… or do this, this way… Or think this way… for any kind of safety; regarding not getting hit or punished; or for any kind of valid love my step-father ever gave me (or my idea of what I thought “valid love” was, back then, as a child.)

I tried to act accordingly…but often failed because the goal was unattainable. I was not my step-father’s real child; and because of that, he hated me for it. I was treated as if something was wrong with me; and nothing was ever good enough…much differently than my two sisters, that were his blood, and real children.

I just stopped trying after a while, and rebelled instead.

I never thought highly of myself at all; and it showed by my actions.

I think writing saved my life when I was younger; because I could get my thoughts down and out of my mind, and I didn’t have to upset anyone in the process.

I could say the things to my father that I wanted to say, without fear. I could also bury my thoughts to be able to cope.

The truth is my father scared me. Every day, up until the time he left my mother, I was afraid of what the day held at my house. I stayed away from my house as much as I could growing up; and then when I was older and into my older teen years, I hated my step-father as much as I ever loved him.

Hate is a strong word, and a sin, I know.

I still did though.

I held on to that hate for so long, and the conditioning carried over into my adult life.

I subconsciously and consciously sought out people that were never truly satisfied with anything, as well as anything I did. I became the same kind of way.

I was used to conforming to what people wanted. I spent a great deal of my life doing it.  Almost 40 years. It often was never good enough, because I wasn’t being me…and it always came through. I melted into the idea of what other people wanted me to be, because every time I had an opinion that didn’t match someone else’s….bad things seemed to happen. In my head, I expected it to happen, Sometimes made it happen too. 

Occassionally still, it seems to still be that way;

but I am learning…

It took me a long time to realize, that the person really holding me back…was ME.

In fact, I struggle a lot with that core truth. 

Me being afraid to be myself; and voice my own opinions; was something I learned as a child; and I had to unlearn that way of unhealthy thinking. 

I am un-learning it STILL. It’s a process.

It’s taken actual effort, and time; and it’s not something that can be changed without either of these things.

I started to look at my life, and my choices that I did have control over. My father doesn’t call the shots for my life anymore…I DO. I can’t blame my past for my current life and problems anymore; because all it brings to me is despair and spinning wheels. 

There are many people in the world, who have had similar stories to mine, or even WAY worse things they’ve struggled through and have had to endure…and they HAVE.

I know it doesn’t make my struggle any less real to me; or any less painful; but I’m just saying, THOSE people who put the work in to change their way of thinking about their negative experiences; have most often endured; and went on to become much better people in the end of it all because of it; because they chose to learn from their struggle; take ownership of it; and rise above it, to achieve much greater, more positive things. 

A different way of thinking. Positive thinking and effort. Little, positive things adding up to bigger positive things; adding up to better positive thinking, and a better positive life in general. 

And it’s like that; and what I’ve found. 

Every day I try to be better than yesterday, to myself.

I figured I’ve spent a great deal of effort into making myself suffer in life, and those around me as well. I can make an equally, conscious effort into being decent and sober; and working every day for a healthy life, and a solid mind-set.

What I’ve really found is that THAT’S what suits ME best; and it’s when I’m most proud of myself. 

You can do it too. 

Make the choice to move forward, and don’t look back anymore. 

You can help people understand who you are; by being YOU, without apology.

Don’t let yourself down anymore, or live in the negative things you’ve learned. 

It’s worth it to make the choice to un-learn those things, because it will affect everything you do, and everyone you know, for the better. 

Only YOU can live YOUR life, and be proud of who YOU are. 

There’s really no kind of happiness without it; and you’ll forever be thankful that you can just be, without regret.

Love yourself.

J. Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

To be Present. My Visit with my Children in Michigan.

I was very anxious and also nervous to see my kids this last Saturday. When I saw them… all that left me.

I became elated.

Sitting there with them in those first moments; when I actually was faced with the realization of just how much I had missed out on these last years without them; I automatically began to feel so small and unworthy of their love; also ashamed of myself. There are no words for it…

I know that feeling will take time to go away; and I had to push it aside and focus…but it’s still there. As it should be, maybe…I don’t know. I struggle with it.

My kids are as beautiful and amazing as I remember. It was the very best thing to see them. I needed to be present; to talk with them and hug them. I needed to make that effort to show I could be…and can be there, when I say I will be. In the past I have made promises that I could not keep. That is over now.

 I know it was just one visit, and that I have a long way to go. I know that things are not the same anymore, and that none of us can get the time back ….but it is a start of better things to come…I am sure of it. Also a huge goal for myself that I have met…a first step of being there for them. 

My kids and I spent time together; and we laughed 🙂 I got to give them their gifts from the holidays; it was nice to see them open them in person. We bowled, ate and played video games, and laughed some more. 

It was a good time.

If I’m being totally honest, then it makes sense to tell you this as well. It was awkward for me at points, because I tend to over think things a lot; and I think for me, that was really the reason for that feeling. I want to be positive around my children you see; and always if I can manage the very highest percentage of that. I try to put myself in my kids minds sometimes…but I know that it’s not smart to do so much…because my guilt comes again…and it makes it hard to focus on the moment. Also not going to help me be Jenni today. 

I guess it’s to be expected for a while…that I’d do that, though. Guilt can kill you, but it’s way worse when it’s guilt about your present.  I don’t have guilt at all about my present self. I am grateful for the fact that I can feel again. I wish I could stop the feelings of the past that pop up though; quicker; until it goes away for good, because it sucks to replay in your head. Maybe that is selfish, but I can’t be positive when I feel like I’m shit. It’s unhealthy to dwell on the negative past too; because it cannot be changed. I tell myself that.

Geez….what am I going to do with you Jenni.

………………………………………………………

It’s strange to see my children growing so fast; and it is hard to get the memories of when they were younger into proper focus sometimes. That was then; and this is indeed now. They are both so kind and smart; beautiful and handsome;  both amazing kids, growing into amazing bigger ones. 🙂 

It was really a sight for sore eyes, and very comforting to me…despite my fleeting thoughts of guilt.

I have made a promise to myself, to make sure I never let them down again. I cannot. That is a solid commitment that I can only fulfill with my actions, and by remaining sober…and I will;  doing it day by day….like today; I will make that choice to live

I’m dying if I drink again….I don’t want to drink…. It ruins everything, every time. That is a fact for me, and you can definitely agree, based on my BS track record.

I don’t know, but…..

I feel as if my entire life came to a head when I had to say goodbye. I tried not to cry, but I couldn’t help it. 

I hope they will forgive me for that….sometimes it just comes out.

In the future, I will either be moving back to Michigan, or somewhere way closer to Michigan.  I want and need to be there for my kids in whatever capacity I can, and that they want or need me to be. I do not know what that will be; but I will be there for them regardless, and none the less…by being able to physically see them more, if that is something the future holds.

I owe them that. I want to be there. I wasn’t…but I can be now.

Although I do think it was a good thing that I left Michigan; I don’t think the way I did it, or the circumstances surrounding my move; did anything but cause a huge rift, that is not repairable.

I hope that new, good memories, and my solid commitment to be well; can replace the bad ones, until they sink to the bottom and get lost.

My kids will always be my kids; and I hope now that they see me well, they will start to realize that I am different than when I was sick, and want to know me again. 

That’s my hope.

I’m just going to continue to call them, and decide about what would be best with everything else, as it comes. I’m trying not to be overly dramatic about everything, because I know that it’ll just make things more confusing for everyone. 

It is a very emotional time for me right now though.

I appreciate my ex for being so respectful towards me; and for him and his wife allowing me the opportunity to see my children; because they didn’t have to. 

I know it’s because I am backing up my words with actual positive actions now…and also that that’s the way it SHOULD have been all along. 

People CAN change for the better, if they really want to.

 I thank you both for giving me a chance to prove it to my kids… because it means more than I can tell you.

My kids are happy and thriving, and I count my blessings every day to know this. 

This is the first chapter in a road of twists and turns with them I’m sure…but I can’t say enough how much seeing them, made me know that I’m on the right path in my life. I knew that before; but it was re-affirming.  I know it’s not going to always be easy; but I am moving forward. 

I owe it to my kids (all 4), to continue. I owe it to myself. I owe it to my family. I owe it to my true friends, and anybody that ever looked up to me. 

I am 9 months and 16 days sober; and every day that I am alive is a gift, and a chance to make a positive difference in the world. 

I know this; and I finally feel like it’s all possible. It’s nothing without my children, and it’s nothing without my sobriety and the truth of life.

This I know for sure. 

Whatever happens from here on out, is directly hooked into these three things.  My direct efforts are going into them…because to me, it’s the only thing that matters to me at this point.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME