Change is hard, when you are conditioned to believe a certain way; or have conditioned yourself to think a certain way; because that’s the way you’ve always known for so long.
That does not mean that change is not possible, if it is something that you really choose to do for yourself.
People do it every day.
You can be one of those people.
I used to feel afraid of saying how I felt, because I thought that no one cared to hear me; or I would offend someone because I had an opinion that didn’t match theirs; or I would get in trouble some how.
In the end, the only one that suffered for it….was ME.
When I was a child…many times just walking into the room, would cause my step-father to react badly to me. Especially if he had been drinking. I was conditioned to believe that I needed to be a certain way… or stay away… or do this, this way… Or think this way… for any kind of safety; regarding not getting hit or punished; or for any kind of valid love my step-father ever gave me (or my idea of what I thought “valid love” was, back then, as a child.)
I tried to act accordingly…but often failed because the goal was unattainable. I was not my step-father’s real child; and because of that, he hated me for it. I was treated as if something was wrong with me; and nothing was ever good enough…much differently than my two sisters, that were his blood, and real children.
I just stopped trying after a while, and rebelled instead.
I never thought highly of myself at all; and it showed by my actions.
I think writing saved my life when I was younger; because I could get my thoughts down and out of my mind, and I didn’t have to upset anyone in the process.
I could say the things to my father that I wanted to say, without fear. I could also bury my thoughts to be able to cope.
The truth is my father scared me. Every day, up until the time he left my mother, I was afraid of what the day held at my house. I stayed away from my house as much as I could growing up; and then when I was older and into my older teen years, I hated my step-father as much as I ever loved him.
Hate is a strong word, and a sin, I know.
I still did though.
I held on to that hate for so long, and the conditioning carried over into my adult life.
I subconsciously and consciously sought out people that were never truly satisfied with anything, as well as anything I did. I became the same kind of way.
I was used to conforming to what people wanted. I spent a great deal of my life doing it. Almost 40 years. It often was never good enough, because I wasn’t being me…and it always came through. I melted into the idea of what other people wanted me to be, because every time I had an opinion that didn’t match someone else’s….bad things seemed to happen. In my head, I expected it to happen, Sometimes made it happen too.
Occassionally still, it seems to still be that way;
but I am learning…
It took me a long time to realize, that the person really holding me back…was ME.
In fact, I struggle a lot with that core truth.
Me being afraid to be myself; and voice my own opinions; was something I learned as a child; and I had to unlearn that way of unhealthy thinking.
I am un-learning it STILL. It’s a process.
It’s taken actual effort, and time; and it’s not something that can be changed without either of these things.
I started to look at my life, and my choices that I did have control over. My father doesn’t call the shots for my life anymore…I DO. I can’t blame my past for my current life and problems anymore; because all it brings to me is despair and spinning wheels.
There are many people in the world, who have had similar stories to mine, or even WAY worse things they’ve struggled through and have had to endure…and they HAVE.
I know it doesn’t make my struggle any less real to me; or any less painful; but I’m just saying, THOSE people who put the work in to change their way of thinking about their negative experiences; have most often endured; and went on to become much better people in the end of it all because of it; because they chose to learn from their struggle; take ownership of it; and rise above it, to achieve much greater, more positive things.
A different way of thinking. Positive thinking and effort. Little, positive things adding up to bigger positive things; adding up to better positive thinking, and a better positive life in general.
And it’s like that; and what I’ve found.
Every day I try to be better than yesterday, to myself.
I figured I’ve spent a great deal of effort into making myself suffer in life, and those around me as well. I can make an equally, conscious effort into being decent and sober; and working every day for a healthy life, and a solid mind-set.
What I’ve really found is that THAT’S what suits ME best; and it’s when I’m most proud of myself.
You can do it too.
Make the choice to move forward, and don’t look back anymore.
You can help people understand who you are; by being YOU, without apology.
Don’t let yourself down anymore, or live in the negative things you’ve learned.
It’s worth it to make the choice to un-learn those things, because it will affect everything you do, and everyone you know, for the better.
Only YOU can live YOUR life, and be proud of who YOU are.
There’s really no kind of happiness without it; and you’ll forever be thankful that you can just be, without regret.
J. Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME