Two Months, and Some Hope for Myself Yet.

I’m glad to get some things cleared up and sorted today, that had been weighing on my mind. 


Still more things to go, but today I’m happy to make what amounts to a significant dent in my anxiety; part of it anyways…I feel BETTER. 


I do not know what is after this life; but I do know I am grateful for how things have a way of working themselves out in the end, if you believe it can work out; are patient; and stay true to who you are.


I guess that is what gives me hope these days….knowing that this is real life actually going in the right direction, and I don’t have to give up core parts of me as a person to get it right this time around sobriety-wise; or make it better for anyone. 


I’m just doing the right thing.


Most times I find there’s a bittersweet irony in working through difficult situations, and coming out stronger for it on the other side.


Lately my life has been about growth, acceptance, and forgiveness. I find forgiving myself the hardest of all; but a duly needed thing just the same. I am trying to love myself as I love others. I figure I’m worth that much for sure. 


It’s a decent day and a long weekend… I hope to get a go on that list of goals I have running. It’s a mile long, and I’m only on the first leg still. 


I’m kind of done playing it safe. I’m just interested in doing more of what my heart wants, and my mouth says. 


I think I got the main part down in being that I’m two months sober today, and have a plan to make it a running normality, when it comes to my life. 


Giving myself an actual chance at success, begins and ends with me. 


This I know for sure. 


Have a beautiful weekend; and a special rememberance to all the soldiers who fought and gave their lives, to make the USA great. My greatest appreciations. Xo 


Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

46 Days Sober, and Some Things I Gotta’ Say.

Today I am 46 days sober and although I feel good about a great deal of things, some things I’m still working on for sure. Technically speaking though, one-and-a-half months is a nice start at something good, there’s no denying it; it’s good for today, and it’ll make me try harder tomorrow.

It has been very challenging at points and times for me, dealing with the anxiety of this stupid alcohol issue I have. It only comes when I think too far ahead, or if I’m overwhelmed by something major; which has happened lately to me…THOSE times. I wish I was numb because I’m losing it, is what I think to myself in times like that. BUT… Since I already know the outcome of relapse, because I’ve done it so many times before to myself; the actual physical act of drinking has not happened, will not be happening today, and hasn’t been a real problem for me in terms of me actually relapsing. The desire for reality is greater than my anxiety over not being able to suppress it, but still the feeling pops up at times… it’s there. MY reality is that I’m stupid when I drink and it makes my mind sick, so I can’t do it. That’ll just make it worse for me. That’s what I tell myself every day.

Although it takes more effort to deal with my life head-on, at least I know it’s real and true…and I am actually dealing with my issues and living. 

I’m glad to be out of it.

NOW. I am a recovering alcoholic. Today, I am proud of myself for not giving up on myself.

I know it’s a day to day thing, and that it’s not always going to be easy… but I’m just glad that I’m at a point where I know what’s what, what needs to be done to get there, and what I need for my life to feel secure and happy. I live it day to day, and I am doing it, despite the obstacles. It is confusing, painful and amazing, all at the same time sometimes; I know I have more to work on and go through, but for me, life just makes much more sense sober, and staying true to myself through it all without apologies..

I gotta’ say that I’m also extremely proud of my boyfriend as well, because he has stayed strong beside me, and stayed sober despite his own issues.

“Friends” trying to drag him back into the atmosphere have been texting again. The same “friends”talking down about the both of us directly, and trying to make him think negatively in general about his life with me… I’ve seen all the texts.

Unfortunately, it comes with being an outcast in general, which I’m used to, but also with the territory of living sober and change.

T and I decided a while back, that we were going to do this sobriety thing together; one last time the right way; and really fight for a healthy future together, because that’s what we both want, and alcohol doesn’t go with our brain chemistry…so it’s out. It causes too many issues for us as individuals and together when we drink it, therefore making our lives unmanageable. We aren’t drinking anymore or being around it.  Alcohol has caused a lot of issues for us that wouldn’t have otherwise occurred if we had been sober. 

We knew certain people would not be happy about it, if we took ourselves out of the enviroment; most exclusively “him” taking himself out of the enviroment.  It messes up their normal agenda and routine. However, both of us think that being sober and together, is far more important than any kind of that petty bullshit that anyone could ever say about us, or any drink or drinking social situation there could ever be. It’s too hard right now to be in atmospheres that trigger. And everyone drinks. We are facing our issues together, because we don’t want to be without one another. So,  the people on the outside of it all’s opinions don’t weigh in, because it’s not your relationship to weigh in on, period; and it’s not your life to keep managed or lived. 

We are living healthy. What the fuck is the problem?

Equally important is, that T and I agreed that these “friends”, are really not true friends at all. If they were, they would act as such; they would support his wanting to get his life together; they would at least apologize for the open disrespect they’ve showed both of us multiple times, including on public forum; they would stop trying to stir the pot with negativity, when he is actively changing his life for the better, and he and I are happy.

I already know that I’m not given one shit about for sure…which I knew, but I’m equally as sure that these “friends” don’t want to see T ACTUALLY healthy and happy in the end, because their actions prove it.

Real friends don’t do that sort of shit. Words vs. Actions.

That being said; Stop texting…and find a new drinking buddy. He’s not coming around, because it’s not good for HIM, and he knows it. I didn’t make that choice for him, he did. 

Also, stop being hateful, and trying to fuck up my relationship with your pettiness and jealousy. WE won’t have it.

So again, day 46…and I made it…WE made it.😳☺😌

It’s going to be a great day because I am able to see the silver lining of it all..

 Don’t let anyone come in between you and your best.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

30 days.

I am one month sober from alcohol again today. I didn’t much think about it as I know what it does to me, and how it ruins my life. It’s not an option.

I told my recovery group. I always tell my recovery group when I meet milestones, also when and if I screw up…it keeps me accountable and gives me positive support to move forward.

I am so grateful for the many positive things and people in my life.

These last days have been kind of taxing, but I’m happy despite and I’m proud of myself.

My life means something to me. And tomorrow it will mean something too.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Gold dust

{Sights and sounds pull me back down another year
  I Was here
  I was here}

{And we make it up as we go along
  We make it up as we go along}

{The sun on your face
  I’m freezing that frame}

{How did it go so fast
  You say as we are looking back
  And then we’ll understand
  We held gold dust in our hands}

              DISAPPEAR HERE

Saturday Nights Alright for Fighting.

I’ve been doing well.

Had a little bit of a glitch today but that was more amusing at the tail- end than anything, so I can’t complain.

My Birthday is in two days and I am broke, but I’m pretty used to that, so I’ll make it work.

I intend to do something fun; I’m  not sure yet what, but it will be  memorable. Perhaps I’ll lay out under the stars and contemplate my blessings in life that I do have. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I learned a lot today about what I’m willing to give up, and for whom. Only things I fight for now are my sobriety, my mental health, and I hope some day, my kids again.

I feel happy and at peace in myself. Today was a good day.

I also know now that anyone being openly disrespectful to me, isn’t going to like me too much afterwards.

I don’t care. Don’t be disrespectful then.

All is fair in love and war. And war. Especially when the person doesn’t know you from Adam 🙂

Love yourself.

J. Rounds (C )2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Lemons

It’s not so hard to stay sober.

What’s hard is swallowing the fact of what I’ve done, and what I’ve lost.

I literally gave up everything for nothing; and then spent years free-falling into my addiction, because I was unable to cope with lifes’ circumstances and the fall-out of my own wrong decisions.

When you come back down, and you start to see how life has moved on without you, and you are in the same place as you have been for years.

THAT’S the hard part.

And there’s no one to blame but myself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

Opportunities.

Never stop believing in yourself and your abilities.

For the past seven-and-a-half years, (three years you’ve really seen) I have been struggling to find myself; to heal;  and to get my life back to the point that I could feel as though I was actively moving forward, and not two steps forward and a million steps back.

I have actively pursued any avenue I could find to keep myself alfloat and not sinking; even though I struggled very badly, and drifted in and out of moments of complete madness and despair many times; and it showed fully.

I’m not dead yet.

I told myself many lies and half-truths at first: but I became willing and wanting to change for the better. I was formally diagnosed and properly medicated. I knew that I was meant for more than the life that I was leading. I wanted to stop hurting myself, my children, and sabotaging my dreams and hopes for a better future; just because I was grieving and strung out on different things, and drinking too much on a consistent basis.

I was tired of it.

I have not followed the mainstream at all; learned almost everything the hard way. I made some really bad choices because I was niave and flat-out stupid. I suffered major scrutiny and abuse from many people all over the internet for it too. It fucking sucked.

Be the change.

During this time I have been networking tirelessly and I never stopped believing that I’d find some avenue, that would allow me a chance to show what I had to offer, in a legitimate way.

Many people have or have tried to take advantage of me in this time period. Many people told me I would never amount to anything, and that I should get a “real” job and stop being lazy.

I never gave up believing in myself.

Don’t give up.

I believe I’ve found such an avenue that will back me so that I can promote many things I’ve wanted to do for a long time.

I was contacted tonight.

I do not want to jinx it, but I’m excited.  It is in the fetal stages as of yet; but it is a real, legitimate project now; It’s going to happen. Which is something that wasn’t true just this morning.

I have a lot of work to do and things to get together;  but I’m great under pressure and I will have some actual guidance and funding which is what I have needed. And that’s all I’m going to say.

People can say whatever they want about me.  I really don’t care at all at this point.  This is another goal I have met for myself and the next goal is making the project happen. It may not be a worldwide, multi-million dollar thing; but it’ll be mine, I’ll control it, and I know I can make it successful if I try hard enough. That works for me.

I want to be able to provide for myself and my children like everybody else does, and be able to do what I want creatively in the process. I want to be an actual productive person, live to my fullest potential, and be happy. Just like you.

I will be.

THIS IS ME.

This is day 81 and I feel freaking fantastic and hopeful.  I’m doing really good in school too; pulling an A in this photography class as well. I’m stoked about it and proud of myself.

You just can’t take that away from me if you tried.  I deserve this break.

It’s about time.

Love yourself.  You are worth it.

J.Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

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Hell on Wheels

Everyone has a different way of getting there.

The most important thing is loving yourself at the end of the road.

When you’re laying there on your death bed; it’s just you and your higher power of choice…OR just YOU.

Will YOU have regrets?

In the end, it’s essential that you love yourself.

No one can love you enough if you don’t.

Loving yourself does not mean neglecting others.

It means finding your way to the reality inside yourself that makes you the best being you can be while you’re here on this earth.

THERE WILL BE MANY THAT DON’T GIVE ONE SHIT.

They are lost souls and teach lessons of *narcissism and sadness.

That doesn’t mean they don’t care about someone or something else.

Be aware.

In everything that you see in life be appreciative. SOME PEOPLE DON’T SEE WHAT YOU SEE.

Try to think of yourself as valid in everything.  What would you do if you had to in that position of every hardship you witness?

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO YOUR OWN OPINION.

Soon shit will hit the fan.

I fully believe this.

If you show up at my door and need help, I will help you.

I don’t have a lot of money. And when I do I won’t tell anyone.

Point made.

But I care. It is in my being.

J. Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

 

Safety is a 6 Letter Word

If I had one wish for myself, I think it would be to feel safe. I never have felt that way, not even when married; I am always just on the edge of calm and nervousness.

It would be nice to some day be able to drift over into the full calm mode and not constantly be looking over my shoulder or sleeping with one eye open.  I guess that’s why I fight sleep so hard and have to take this Minipress for my dreams.

It sucks to need medication to be normal, and it scares me to know I won’t be without it; and that I will have to depend on it the rest of my life. It is something I struggle with for various reasons; and I wish I wouldn’t think about it so much. I am sure I can manage to fake normalish without it; its the “for how long” part that scares me most.

It’s the only thing that makes me sleep completely. And the only time I really feel safe because I can’t feel anything at all.

Ha! It’s the truth, how messed up is that? Rhetorical.

Today was kind of a messed up day for me because I had a lot to deal with. But I managed to stay sober, and I’m confident I’m on the right path to staying that way.  Again.

“Love Without Limits, Fight Without Fear.”   It is my personal mantra that is tattooed on my arm; and I am living it literally every, single, day.

I can do it, I know I can. Maybe I wasn’t meant to feel safe. Maybe this is all one great, big, giant dream and I’ll wake up. I don’t know.

I have to believe it’s for something.

Until tomorrow, love yourself; you are worth it.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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