Therapy.

I spoke to the woman at the therapy center I found, that offers the EMDR treatment that I’ve been wanting to get.

She told me that even though they did accept my insurance; the particular therapist I *inquired about, was not taking new patients and wouldn’t be any time soon.

At first I was bummed, because from what it looked like, that therapist was the only one at that office that offered the EMDR therapy.

I’m glad I took some deep breaths; and didn’t let my thinking get away from me on it. The next thing the woman told me, was that that was not the case. The main therapist of the whole place; was somewhat of a guru of EMDR it seems; and he would be back from vacation next week. After that they were going to be opening up the schedule, and they could then, get me in.

She put me on a waiting list, and said it would be anywhere from one to three weeks wait; and she would call me soon.

I’m relieved. In my mind I thought it was going to be way harder to get something set up; I’m glad I was wrong about that.

I’m glad I made the effort to get the ball rolling finally, and that I stopped focusing on the scariness factor of it all. I’m sure that fear will be an ongoing challenge, that I will have to continue to work through.

Fear has always held me; and held me back from all kinds of things I could have done in life.

I know now that those things can still come to fruition…..and fear is just an emotion that I should stop giving so much power to.

I am proud of myself for doing today. I am proud of myself for not feeling shameful about needing more coping skills. I am proud of myself for accepting the fact that it is ok to be an ongoing work in progress.

Progress is what counts; and the work to get there, I know I am capable of doing.

I am one year, three months, and twenty-two days sober; and I will be 47 years old, in a week.

I hope to see my children in the next weeks coming up to celebrate; but I think following through on this therapist thing, is equally as important of a Birthday gift to myself.

I know we all move in our own ways. Sometimes it takes less time than it would take someone else to make their move. Sometimes you have to learn how to make the move.

Sometimes you just have to jump in, and have faith that you are a strong swimmer; when you know for a fact that you are.

I will be ok. I will be better than ok. I will continue to be patient every day with myself; because I am my own friend; and a good one .

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Feeling more upbeat again.

Good news is, I’m starting to feel better again. I’m focusing on that, because It’s way better than beating myself up over the fact that I didn’t a few days ago.

I have ongoing mental disorders, and I have to accept that.

I don’t really want to; but let’s get real, already….

Jenni.

It’s not like I’m going around trying to bipolar and PTSD on everyone everyday or do; so I’m definitely going to have to give myself a break regarding my ups and downs. Back-track is going to happen at points because I am human.

I HAVE been extremely stressed. There ARE valid reasons behind it.

It’s going to be alright, even when it doesn’t feel like it; and I know that.

I’m going to be alright.

That’s why I’m bouncing back quicker after the dips nowa’days.

I DO have coping skills in me; and the EMDR therapy, should help me to not dip as much in the future.

I have two calls in currently, to potential therapists. I’m hoping it won’t be a long, drawn-out process; but I also think I have to be patient in all regards, because I also have a feeling that a lot of phone tag is going to be going on before I get an appointment anywhere.

That’s just me being realistic, based on my own knowledge about how the mental health system works.

It’ll be ok. I will find that EMDR therapist; and I will learn even better skills.

I will.

Patience. I will keep on top of it, until I find a therapist….and I am doing it for me.

Nap after work today, instead of painting; because I needed it.

Picked up a double on Sunday; and also starting to make peace with T, finally.

I had to for ME. There’s no sense in focusing on things of the past that cannot be changed…even if they were shitty. Only letting go of the negativity and bitterness of it will heal me in that area; also realizing that I’m not the only one who struggles with demons. I know I’m not.

There will never be the kind of future for us like we planned to have; but a supportive friendship I think is something that is being built again between us, right now. As friends. I believe that that is better for both of us anyways. He will always be important to me; and I can’t deny that fact.

That’s a huge step for me to say that; and we will see. I know it depends on me, just as much as him…and it is what it is……

I’m just making peaces.

Life is funny the way it works, and even funnier when you live inside my head.

I need to put a map up there, complete with “you are here” markers. It would give other people a fighting chance in understanding me; and maybe when I get lost, it’d be easier to find my way back too.

That’s never going to happen; but I AM working on it, every day. 🙂

475 days without alcohol; and knowing that I am on my way to greater things. 🙂

This I know.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of Me

Deal with your anger.

In the simplest form; the best way to explain it; would be to say, that I feel like I am whole, but I am half at the same time.

There are areas of my life that I am thriving in; such as remaining sober; being honest about who I am; that I don’t have it all together, that I’m trying to change the things I need to, to become better; that I’m trying to help others believe in the fact that they CAN change and help them to, in ways that I am capable of; personal career goals and projects that I work on when I have no other obligations; working at my job….things like that.

I’m just hoping this anger in me will go away. Because it’s holding me…back.

It makes me feel completely unwhole.

I think it has for many reasons; for many, many, many years; and I don’t want to deal with it at all…and so I’m out of sorts and floundering…because I know I HAVE to deal with it.

I don’t know how to.

I breathe; but the anxiety is there still. The anger is still there, just under the surface; waiting to come out when the next person challenges me, or the next life-bomb drops.

I’m writing about it, to save my own self from future misunderstandings… to save my sanity.

As messed up as it might feel to admit it; I think something really clicked in me when I realized I was going to be on my own again, and had wasted more years of my life, that felt like… was for nothing; and in most regards I did. I think there’s legit anger there.

I do realize that this is my story, and that that was also my decision to get involved in. I’m Still bitter from it…obviously. Because it changed the course and direction of my life to a place that I was not prepared for; or expecting it to go at all.

This is life, I guess.

But it really hit me, how angry I was about life in general; when my mother told me that my father was dead.

Since the age of 13, I have been beating myself up; over the fact that my fathers’ did not want me.

It has turned to resentment and hatred. It seeps into other areas of my life; and makes me act irrational and overly agressive when I’m feeling threatened.

I don’t want to admit that, but it’s true.

Usually it is word- related only. In written form.

You’ve seen it. Ruthless slues of words that describe what I think at the time; on this blog or my social accounts; and it’s mostly NOT nice.

God help you if you are in my actual space when it happens; you better hope if you’ve hurt me emotionally, that you don’t say any BS. Because I’m not nice at all. I will get physical if I feel like you are up in my space.

Not proud of it at all, either.

I do not like confrontation at all; especially physical. This is why I try to stay away from it directly.

Seems like it’s always around in some way though……Life.

Technically; that’s a fairly straight-forward hypocritical way to be; when your goal is to help others; not hurt them.

Even if it is warranted. Even if I feel like I’m right about the situation. It doesn’t really matter at all; if I can’t cope with the stuff that happens to me in this life; and I act irrational.

I see other people that I have known in my life, on social media; dealing with LIFE or DEATH situations where they might not live another year, another month, or even another day.

I feel tremendous guilt in thinking that my mental issues in any way rival that; and it makes me realize that I have actually taken a step back in my recovery.

It sucks to realize this.

Although I am sober; what’s the point of being sober; if I am at times…acting like a dry- drunk anyways.

There’s a rhectorical period there; because I already know that

There is no point in that at all.

I am not about to revert back to my alcoholism AT ALL.

The only other option I have is to deal with my anger. I must deal with these anger issues I have; or I will never be whole, and I will always feel incomplete…and I will always be alone inside my head….with no way out.

Thank god for my dog Regina and my cat Lolita; because they have been my solice for a bit now.

I looked up my health care benefits, and they have a list of Doctors about a page-and a-half long that I have to go through, to find one that offers EMDR treatment and accepts new patients.

I’m frustrated; because I personally feel they should have the types of therapies they offer also listed under each doctor, and they don’t. It highly increases my anxiety level, as it quadruples the time it will take. I’m going to sift through these doctors right now anyways, before work; because I know I need to learn these skills.

It is the only way I feel like I can get going again…thee only way to be truly happy; I’m sure of it.

I’m positive; I’d say…about 65% of the time.

It is easy to stay positive in certain enviroments.

Not so in others. Bring in uncontrollable factors; and before you know it, you have a bi-polar chick with PTSD writing a storm through her keyboard.

I prefer the rainbows in me; because when I am happy; I spread it to everyone in any way I can.

On the inside; my pain is locked away behind a door that is too small. I can feel the ghosts lapping at my heals; and I’m terrified they will infect me again, and take over for good.

The Jenni I know to be the real Jenni; is NOT going to let that happen.

I am sorry to the people I have hurt with my words and my attitude.

Warranted or not; it is NOT the person I am; or want to be.

All I can do today; is provide this blog to you, and the EMDR link; find a doctor; go to work; DO, not try; and most of all BE KIND.

I hate it when I feel like a shit.

It makes me just the same as everybody else.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

No sex in my city yet.

I don’t know; but I found it hilarious that I just thought of writing a blog entitled:

How to be Carrie Bradshaw from SeX in the City; without the wardrobe, budget, or talent.

Lol.

So. This is the kind of stuff that runs through my mind.

It IS funny….but it’s not.

I should have more faith in myself.

I struggle with it and I wish I didn’t.

Love yourself Jenni.

You can

do it.

Work.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The next time you want to make an excuse to lie to yourself; READ THIS.

Sober af; and I am glad that I am strong enough today; to stay that way.

I don’t do AA or anything anymore at all; because it actually triggers me, instead of helps.

I equate it to a religion…which I also don’t conform to, or do. (I have my own beliefs about that)

So…

My point is; despite those facts; AA DOES have great “coined phrases” that you can use to remind yourself…that you can’t get something for nothing, and expect it to save your soul.

I’m not too fond of the “It works if you work it”, because it’s a little too cheesy for my liking. Lol.

“DO THE WORK” suits me better. Also in capital letters so you can read it better. THIS is what flashes across my brain when I feel weak.

If I didn’t do that for myself; I’d just hit the Beer and Beer drive through down the road for “cigarettes”, and tell you that it didn’t matter where they came from.

NO.

If you want to stay sober; you have to actively try to stay sober when you want to drink. No matter what you have to do. There’s no Beer and Beer drive through ANYTHING. Make it hard for yourself to fuck up.

#grateful #DOTHEWORK #noncoddledtipstostaysober

ONE Life.

I have to remind myself today that I only have ONE LIFE; one voice.

I know that I do not want to waste time on negativity and feeling upset inside.

Even though I do not feel positive all of the time, every day; I can still consciously shift my shitty mood to positive; by not dwelling on stuff; that’ll do nothing but pollute my head with things that don’t need to be there.

Thinking positive thoughts helps me feel more positive. If I tell myself all of the negative, outlandish, worst-case scenarios all the time…well, I know for a fact that that’s not living to my full potential.

I’m being true to myself today.

I’m thinking rationally about most situations now. Delaying my reaction time to things. I still need to work on myself, and parts of me that make me anxious and angry though. It doesn’t help anything, or anyone.

I’ve been looking into some behavioral therapies that I’ve been discussing with my best friend. They are nothing like all the “talking about nothing that matters” therapies, that I’ve had before. I need to learn ways to remain chill; when I feel like punching someone. I don’t like the build up of anxiety I feel sometimes. Hopefully with some effort, I can find a decent place that I can afford; that is not hooked up to these Medicade related places I’ve been to every other time. I feel like most medicaid-related help involves, just wanting you in the system; and on the meds so they can make their money. It’s not because they actually care about me being well and being happy.

It still amazes me how Doctors look at me like I’m nuts; for not wanting to hook myself on synthetics to “normalize” again. I still don’t care what other people say about it at all. Maybe THIS, IS my Normal.

I DO hope to find a genuine therapist; who’s primary mission is to help people heal the traumas they carry within them.

It is naive to think that I would have a long-term understanding of myself at this point….because let’s face it; I’m STILL on a journey to parts of myself that I’ve never even known before.

I only know that I will get there; some how; some way.

And yeah; I’m THAT passionate about it. It matters that I feel at peace in this world. It matters that I stay “Jenni” in the process.

“I think it’s ok to admit that some parts of our lives don’t always make sense at the moment we need them to.”

I also think that’s what doing the work is all about.

Learning patience when you’ve never had any; is a skill that’ll help you out too…if you can make yourself focus long enough to actually do it.

It takes practice. I practice every day. I fail almost every day; in some regard; too.

It’s mostly uncomfortable; with pivitol moments that allow me to feel as if I was made for something more than what I’ve been doing; and putting out more good things to the people I love; and the world.

I’d like a more continual, peaceful vibe from me; going out into the world.

I really don’t care about anything else; but increasing my truly peaceful moments in life.

The parts where I KNOW I have this; instead of the telling myself that I have it…. until I believe it.

It’s getting better and better every day.

Patience….

Learning to embrace the fact that I don’t have everything all figured out; is a HUGE step in moving forward daily; and allows me to take the time I need to do it properly and effectively.

I’m actually putting in effort where there was none before really….regarding my life; so………

When I get to feeling too frustrated about whatever it may be, or whomever it may be; I try my hardest to turn inward; and focus on the negative parts about myself that I can work on instead. I know eventually, I’ll be able to figure out what to do, about the areas of “what the actual fuck”, in my life; if I keep to this system.

There are things to still be grateful for, after all.

I’m working on being a better version of me today; because I owe it to myself. I sometimes wonder where it will take me; but I know in the end, that better is never a bad thing.

L

ove yourself.
J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Just a Rambling…

Is it in me to see my ways; to embrace the good ones, and systemically purge the bad ways that hold me down?

I am trying.

At first I didn’t want to; because I thought it was too hard. I was scared to let go.

I am sober today for 11 months, and 27 days. I’m not so scared anymore.

It’s hard to believe that it will be a year sober in just days.

The thought drifts in, then is pushed away; because it’s today.

I will be happy on that day. for sure. But lets just stick with today first…ok?

It is a way of life now for me.

I still see alcohol and have the memories of drinking it, but it goes away without much effort; and with common sense.

I think of the lives I affected. I think of my life, that I almost gave up; and the desperation that drinking made me personally feel.

All of the unsafe situations I put others in.

All of the things that could have been prevented, had I cared about myself.

It keeps me safe…those disturbing thoughts keep me safe. They may be triggers to some.

I know I don’t ever want to be responsible for hurting anyone else ever, over my desire to destroy myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt myself.

I don’t ever want to feel that kind of desperation again.

I know that I have to keep telling it to myself every time my brain wants to trick me.

My desire to destroy myself has in this day; left the building. It’s no longer welcomed in my daily life.

I am changing every day for the better, because I look and work for the solutions now…and I don’t think I know all the answers…I know I don’t.

I’m not giving up, and will succeed with my goals; because it’s what I owe myself.

It is a mission to listen and grow, and learn patience with others, and with myself most of all. That self-destructive ship has not only sailed; but I know for a fact that it was burning when it left…the ashes still fall.

Today I can love myself by staying sober. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Love yourself too please.

I do believe with everything that is me; that it is the only way to truly become a peaceful person in general. It teaches you how to give; instead of take.

J. Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Sober is my Strength

I think for me; learning to let go of the idea that I have to do everything just right, is something that’s strengthening me as a person.

It is a slower process than I would like.

I’m accepting the fact that there is no hard-core plan for how my life will go; and it will never be perfect.

What it can be, is inspiring. It can be worth it. It can mean something. It can be happy.

I don’t have to have a full plan in place; that’s not realistic anyways, with so many unknowns that go on every day.

I DO want to be; at my last breath; able to feel like it’s ok to go. That my life left a good mark on the world; that my children can be proud of the person I worked to become.

To not be afraid of the work it will take to get there.

Every day I try. Lately, I’m remembering that there are no limitations for my growth, except the ones I put on myself.

I will never be a cookie- cutter “normal” person. I will always have a passion and fire that people will misunderstand and a good percentage will not prefer. I will always go against the norm by nature and ask questions about life that most wouldn’t. I will always struggle with certain things. I will always wonder who runs the show; if anything does….because I’m going to the customer service desk if there is one…know it.

I will always seek the answers. I will always seek my truth.

I don’t know; but I think the fact that I can be positive mostly without trying; for longer periods of time than I used to be able to; is a very good thing.

Sobriety is my strength at this point. I know this.

The more you try, the easier it gets. It’s a fact with absolutely every, single thing in life that you choose to do.

The questions I ask myself about life; are what am I going to choose to try at?

The answers change sometimes; but the goal is always the same.

To truly love my life, and who I am. To live without regret, and fear of the unknown. To feel whole in my soul.

I feel stronger in myself, than I have ever felt in my life.

I am grateful.

Thank you for engaging in my story. I appreciate you.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

I Am Thankful; 2017.

Some days are better than others; some days are an effort to get through still…I won’t lie;  but I have plenty to be thankful for this season; and I am thankful; because I know where I’ve been. 

I am thankful that I am able to still be alive, and going where I am going in life. 

I’m thankful to be sober; and to finally feel free of that alcoholic burden…although I know it is, and will continue to be; a daily choice that I will have to make. 8 months sober today…..and counting.

I am thankful for my children, and that we are forming working, healthy relationships again. I am thankful for their father and his wife for doing for them, what I could not do…I’m grateful that they are safe and happy.

I am thankful for my relationship with T, even though it is not always easy. 

I am thankful for my family and true friends; who have always believed in my strengths, and helped me to find them, when I could not. 

I am grateful that I can still see the light, in a world full of chaos…and in myself.

I’m grateful that I chose to stand up and live my life the way it was meant to be lived; instead of running myself into the ground like I’ve always done in the past. 

So many other little things too, that I am thankful for…

I remember every day that I am blessed to have this life. 

For so long I took it for granted; and I’m glad that I continue to change for the better now…because it’s the way it should be. 

I hope wherever you are, that your Thanksgiving day was filled with peace and thanks…and that your holiday season will be too.

It’s amazing how remembering what we DO have in our lives; makes the value of it so much more, on a whole. The things we don’t have; seem somewhat trivial and unimportant…when you consider your life TODAY. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 Peaces of ME

This I Know.

I work on myself because it makes me feel better about the shitty things I’ve done to other people, and MY life.

I want to leave a positive mark on the world in some way, so that my children and the people I love will remember my strengths, not my weaknesses. 

Nothing more. 

I will fight to do that.

And I’m going to win.

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME