So I’m feeling really positive; days like these, make the hard days worth it; Dr. Phil is the man… 

I think Dr. Phil is a pretty smart guy. 

He’s hardcore. NO BS. He makes sense because he spells it out logically and directly… and has a plan to turn it around most times, that’s doable.

If you do it.

It might sound cliche’, but it’s what I’m doing right now while I’m writing this blog. 

I’m trying to keep a routine, and form some sort of daily agenda that will help keep me moving forward. This will help me immensely to blog more often. I start in the late -morning, and finish it up later if it can’t be edited in the allotted time-frame….like today.

I’ve found that I thrive on structure, so although I’m not working and on SSI, I get up every day with T at 6 am, before he goes to work…and even on the weekends (Lol). I’m just used to it now, and I actually enjoy the quality time we get to spend together. It’s OUR routine. 

We did that also when we were drinking on the weekends; but we don’t drink anymore, and T has a much better job and working enviroment, doing what he loves now. I need to fill my day, with steps to a better place as well, so that I can accomplish my own goals too.

I am more than ready, and have the emotional support behind me now;  I am going to make it happen. I’m working on this every day. 

A daily routine/schedule, that involves me scheduling the work to get there, is what I’m trying to do, and build.

I’ve got plenty of things to do, and eventually I won’t be on SSI full-time, and my plan is to get off it all together again and start living my dreams; which really just means being a positive influence in my kids lives; being a healthy partner and best friend to T; spending time on and with true friends; forming some sort of working relation with my sister’s again; making sure my mother sees all us girls together again someday and talking and sisterly like we should be (I hope); making money doing what I’m good at doing and enjoy; helping others through my story; living with a purpose, instead of just a sick existence.

I need the routine to keep me on track. 

Seems like It’ll help a whole lot. 

……………………………………………………..
I’ve had some good, positive and hard growth these past days.

It’s been life-changing. 

I really don’t know how else to put it. That just doesn’t really happen that much for me.

The peaces clicked together, and I have great hope.

I KNOW that not every day is going to be rosy and life goes in that way; it just does and this is MY story. But I’m changing all around as a person in a good way, and it makes me want to keep going. 

It agrees with me.

I have so much to change still; but it will be worth it, and it will happen. 

I know my kids are worth it, 

I will be there for them in any way I can. 

I’m going to do this in the following ways:

1. I’m going to work daily to stay healthy and sober. 

2. I’m going to keep consistent contact with my 3 children, and not make plans or promises, that I know might not work out. It causes me to fail and not follow through, and cause hurt. (and then I’m afraid to contact them.) This won’t be happening anymore. I also hope I can work out a way to communicate better with my ex in the future, because I WOULD like to see them at some point, as is doable and agreeable by both parties…when things are better.

3. Positivity is what I want to remember; but I’m going to ask for help if I need it. (That means not being afraid to admit I’m upset about something and need to talk it out.

4. I’m going to work my ass off. 

5. I’m not going to stop until I get to where I need to be.

6. I’m going to believe in myself and remember that life is really about the journey…not the destination….just breathe.

I figure it’s a matter of time before I see results…it’s a no- brainer if I don’t stop. 

I want my life to mean something before I go.

And it will. 

That’s the part of the story I can control.

I’m really happy because I feel like there’s finally hope; and when there is hope, there is always a way to build on it. 

I am 99 days sober. The Fourth of July will mark 100;  I’ll make sure of it.  🙂

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

3 months ago I stopped drinking alcohol.

I have reached a goal that took all my life, and three months to meet.

My motivation is high, and I’m living in the mindset that I will accomplish all that I truly put effort into doing. 

I figure I’m not assuming the worst of myself right up front anymore, because I’ve proven to myself that I can do what I set out to do. Three months ago, I stopped drinking alcohol…and I haven’t looked back.

A goal met.

I have many more goals to meet; but I’m excited for the challenges. I know it’s not worth it without them.

Peace does come from within. It may not always be around, but it’s a favorite friend of mine that I am always grateful to spend time with. 

Today I am at peace, even though there’s reason not to be. 

WIN.

I know that no matter what, I have things to be grateful for. 

Also congratulations to my partner in crime. We did it T; I knew we could too. 🙂 ❤
Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME


Two Months, and Some Hope for Myself Yet.

I’m glad to get some things cleared up and sorted today, that had been weighing on my mind. 


Still more things to go, but today I’m happy to make what amounts to a significant dent in my anxiety; part of it anyways…I feel BETTER. 


I do not know what is after this life; but I do know I am grateful for how things have a way of working themselves out in the end, if you believe it can work out; are patient; and stay true to who you are.


I guess that is what gives me hope these days….knowing that this is real life actually going in the right direction, and I don’t have to give up core parts of me as a person to get it right this time around sobriety-wise; or make it better for anyone. 


I’m just doing the right thing.


Most times I find there’s a bittersweet irony in working through difficult situations, and coming out stronger for it on the other side.


Lately my life has been about growth, acceptance, and forgiveness. I find forgiving myself the hardest of all; but a duly needed thing just the same. I am trying to love myself as I love others. I figure I’m worth that much for sure. 


It’s a decent day and a long weekend… I hope to get a go on that list of goals I have running. It’s a mile long, and I’m only on the first leg still. 


I’m kind of done playing it safe. I’m just interested in doing more of what my heart wants, and my mouth says. 


I think I got the main part down in being that I’m two months sober today, and have a plan to make it a running normality, when it comes to my life. 


Giving myself an actual chance at success, begins and ends with me. 


This I know for sure. 


Have a beautiful weekend; and a special rememberance to all the soldiers who fought and gave their lives, to make the USA great. My greatest appreciations. Xo 


Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

46 Days Sober, and Some Things I Gotta’ Say.

Today I am 46 days sober and although I feel good about a great deal of things, some things I’m still working on for sure. Technically speaking though, one-and-a-half months is a nice start at something good, there’s no denying it; it’s good for today, and it’ll make me try harder tomorrow.

It has been very challenging at points and times for me, dealing with the anxiety of this stupid alcohol issue I have. It only comes when I think too far ahead, or if I’m overwhelmed by something major; which has happened lately to me…THOSE times. I wish I was numb because I’m losing it, is what I think to myself in times like that. BUT… Since I already know the outcome of relapse, because I’ve done it so many times before to myself; the actual physical act of drinking has not happened, will not be happening today, and hasn’t been a real problem for me in terms of me actually relapsing. The desire for reality is greater than my anxiety over not being able to suppress it, but still the feeling pops up at times… it’s there. MY reality is that I’m stupid when I drink and it makes my mind sick, so I can’t do it. That’ll just make it worse for me. That’s what I tell myself every day.

Although it takes more effort to deal with my life head-on, at least I know it’s real and true…and I am actually dealing with my issues and living. 

I’m glad to be out of it.

NOW. I am a recovering alcoholic. Today, I am proud of myself for not giving up on myself.

I know it’s a day to day thing, and that it’s not always going to be easy… but I’m just glad that I’m at a point where I know what’s what, what needs to be done to get there, and what I need for my life to feel secure and happy. I live it day to day, and I am doing it, despite the obstacles. It is confusing, painful and amazing, all at the same time sometimes; I know I have more to work on and go through, but for me, life just makes much more sense sober, and staying true to myself through it all without apologies..

I gotta’ say that I’m also extremely proud of my boyfriend as well, because he has stayed strong beside me, and stayed sober despite his own issues.

“Friends” trying to drag him back into the atmosphere have been texting again. The same “friends”talking down about the both of us directly, and trying to make him think negatively in general about his life with me… I’ve seen all the texts.

Unfortunately, it comes with being an outcast in general, which I’m used to, but also with the territory of living sober and change.

T and I decided a while back, that we were going to do this sobriety thing together; one last time the right way; and really fight for a healthy future together, because that’s what we both want, and alcohol doesn’t go with our brain chemistry…so it’s out. It causes too many issues for us as individuals and together when we drink it, therefore making our lives unmanageable. We aren’t drinking anymore or being around it.  Alcohol has caused a lot of issues for us that wouldn’t have otherwise occurred if we had been sober. 

We knew certain people would not be happy about it, if we took ourselves out of the enviroment; most exclusively “him” taking himself out of the enviroment.  It messes up their normal agenda and routine. However, both of us think that being sober and together, is far more important than any kind of that petty bullshit that anyone could ever say about us, or any drink or drinking social situation there could ever be. It’s too hard right now to be in atmospheres that trigger. And everyone drinks. We are facing our issues together, because we don’t want to be without one another. So,  the people on the outside of it all’s opinions don’t weigh in, because it’s not your relationship to weigh in on, period; and it’s not your life to keep managed or lived. 

We are living healthy. What the fuck is the problem?

Equally important is, that T and I agreed that these “friends”, are really not true friends at all. If they were, they would act as such; they would support his wanting to get his life together; they would at least apologize for the open disrespect they’ve showed both of us multiple times, including on public forum; they would stop trying to stir the pot with negativity, when he is actively changing his life for the better, and he and I are happy.

I already know that I’m not given one shit about for sure…which I knew, but I’m equally as sure that these “friends” don’t want to see T ACTUALLY healthy and happy in the end, because their actions prove it.

Real friends don’t do that sort of shit. Words vs. Actions.

That being said; Stop texting…and find a new drinking buddy. He’s not coming around, because it’s not good for HIM, and he knows it. I didn’t make that choice for him, he did. 

Also, stop being hateful, and trying to fuck up my relationship with your pettiness and jealousy. WE won’t have it.

So again, day 46…and I made it…WE made it.😳☺😌

It’s going to be a great day because I am able to see the silver lining of it all..

 Don’t let anyone come in between you and your best.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

30 days.

I am one month sober from alcohol again today. I didn’t much think about it as I know what it does to me, and how it ruins my life. It’s not an option.

I told my recovery group. I always tell my recovery group when I meet milestones, also when and if I screw up…it keeps me accountable and gives me positive support to move forward.

I am so grateful for the many positive things and people in my life.

These last days have been kind of taxing, but I’m happy despite and I’m proud of myself.

My life means something to me. And tomorrow it will mean something too.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

image

Gold dust

{Sights and sounds pull me back down another year
  I Was here
  I was here}

{And we make it up as we go along
  We make it up as we go along}

{The sun on your face
  I’m freezing that frame}

{How did it go so fast
  You say as we are looking back
  And then we’ll understand
  We held gold dust in our hands}

              DISAPPEAR HERE

Saturday Nights Alright for Fighting.

I’ve been doing well.

Had a little bit of a glitch today but that was more amusing at the tail- end than anything, so I can’t complain.

My Birthday is in two days and I am broke, but I’m pretty used to that, so I’ll make it work.

I intend to do something fun; I’m  not sure yet what, but it will be  memorable. Perhaps I’ll lay out under the stars and contemplate my blessings in life that I do have. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I learned a lot today about what I’m willing to give up, and for whom. Only things I fight for now are my sobriety, my mental health, and I hope some day, my kids again.

I feel happy and at peace in myself. Today was a good day.

I also know now that anyone being openly disrespectful to me, isn’t going to like me too much afterwards.

I don’t care. Don’t be disrespectful then.

All is fair in love and war. And war. Especially when the person doesn’t know you from Adam 🙂

Love yourself.

J. Rounds (C )2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Lemons

It’s not so hard to stay sober.

What’s hard is swallowing the fact of what I’ve done, and what I’ve lost.

I literally gave up everything for nothing; and then spent years free-falling into my addiction, because I was unable to cope with lifes’ circumstances and the fall-out of my own wrong decisions.

When you come back down, and you start to see how life has moved on without you, and you are in the same place as you have been for years.

THAT’S the hard part.

And there’s no one to blame but myself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

Opportunities.

Never stop believing in yourself and your abilities.

For the past seven-and-a-half years, (three years you’ve really seen) I have been struggling to find myself; to heal;  and to get my life back to the point that I could feel as though I was actively moving forward, and not two steps forward and a million steps back.

I have actively pursued any avenue I could find to keep myself alfloat and not sinking; even though I struggled very badly, and drifted in and out of moments of complete madness and despair many times; and it showed fully.

I’m not dead yet.

I told myself many lies and half-truths at first: but I became willing and wanting to change for the better. I was formally diagnosed and properly medicated. I knew that I was meant for more than the life that I was leading. I wanted to stop hurting myself, my children, and sabotaging my dreams and hopes for a better future; just because I was grieving and strung out on different things, and drinking too much on a consistent basis.

I was tired of it.

I have not followed the mainstream at all; learned almost everything the hard way. I made some really bad choices because I was niave and flat-out stupid. I suffered major scrutiny and abuse from many people all over the internet for it too. It fucking sucked.

Be the change.

During this time I have been networking tirelessly and I never stopped believing that I’d find some avenue, that would allow me a chance to show what I had to offer, in a legitimate way.

Many people have or have tried to take advantage of me in this time period. Many people told me I would never amount to anything, and that I should get a “real” job and stop being lazy.

I never gave up believing in myself.

Don’t give up.

I believe I’ve found such an avenue that will back me so that I can promote many things I’ve wanted to do for a long time.

I was contacted tonight.

I do not want to jinx it, but I’m excited.  It is in the fetal stages as of yet; but it is a real, legitimate project now; It’s going to happen. Which is something that wasn’t true just this morning.

I have a lot of work to do and things to get together;  but I’m great under pressure and I will have some actual guidance and funding which is what I have needed. And that’s all I’m going to say.

People can say whatever they want about me.  I really don’t care at all at this point.  This is another goal I have met for myself and the next goal is making the project happen. It may not be a worldwide, multi-million dollar thing; but it’ll be mine, I’ll control it, and I know I can make it successful if I try hard enough. That works for me.

I want to be able to provide for myself and my children like everybody else does, and be able to do what I want creatively in the process. I want to be an actual productive person, live to my fullest potential, and be happy. Just like you.

I will be.

THIS IS ME.

This is day 81 and I feel freaking fantastic and hopeful.  I’m doing really good in school too; pulling an A in this photography class as well. I’m stoked about it and proud of myself.

You just can’t take that away from me if you tried.  I deserve this break.

It’s about time.

Love yourself.  You are worth it.

J.Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me

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