My TRUTH about Hurt and Trust.

The I don’t knows in your head kill you slowly, and the actions don’t match the words.

Always trust your gut, but then some will do everything they can, to make you doubt it…only to hurt you for no other reason than selfishness or fear.

We’ve all been there. The hurt side.

Honesty is relevant. 

The hurt you may cause upfront from saying the truth, is way better than turning around one day and realizing it was all for nothing…and you have hurt the ones you never wanted to, by spinning a different story to cover your ass and/or loneliness; or just being a complete idiot drunk, or whatever you were being, when you made the choice to hurt that someone else.

Have you been here too? Me too.

You have no formal right to judge another’s level of hurt, when you are the reason for it. 

All you can do is make a commitment to yourself, that you’re not going to live like that anymore…forgive yourself…daily…and then try to become the best version of yourself possible.

And keep doing it.

Every day you make a conscious effort.

Remember that your actions have consequences that may last longer than you thought they would originally.

You would feel the same most likely.

Remember the person on the other side of it, and how you would feel if this person did the same to you, that you did to them.

Remember the feeling.

Understand it. Accept it.

THAT is the hard part.

YES. It’s frustrating for all involved, on many occasions; but if you didn’t care, then you wouldn’t have said you were sorry in the first place, right?

Make your sorry mean something, so the person you hurt will know you are truly sorry. 

You can’t get mad for the person not trusting you fully, OR not even wanting anything more to do with you.

What does a sorry mean?

Blaming others for not tolerating your BS, is nothing more, than you being selfish. 

That includes anyone, and me most assuredly; for any situation that might fit. 

I know by experience, I learned it ALL the hard way.

Give the person you hurt, time to find peace with the hurt you caused them….or not.

And DON’T do it again.

Tell the truth even if it burns you outright.

It’s right if you TRULY value someone.

It will be found out eventually anyways, and that just says a lot about how you are as a person really, when it does come to light.

Everything that means anything REAL, is founded in truth. 

Trust is the hardest thing to gain back; and the easiest thing to lose.

You can’t keep dropping bombs, and not expect some form/s of casualty/ies….yadda, yadda, yadda…

I know first hand what it’s like to lose every single thing that mattered besides myself; and almost that too on several occasions; because of the hurt I caused other people, and the things I did for myself only, at someone’s else’s expense.

That’s why I try every day to be honest about who I am; my needs and wants; and my huge flaws that seem to overpower me at the worst times.

I try to be a good person now.

I do fail, but not on things like truth anymore. MY truth, and what I expect for my own life.

If people can’t hear me, then they never wanted to, or cared to in the first place.

The hurt you cause others, IS relevant to the person or thing you caused it to. 

It IS.

Fix it with your actions. or don’t even bother.

No half-assing. It doesn’t mean shit when you do that. You can’t candy-coat reality, and have it stick.

The only options I’ve found, to make amends to a person I hurt in my life for REAL, and to re-seed the hole I left with something that might grow better, and that is better than what was there before… is to stop blaming the person I hurt, and STOP hurting them period.

That is true regret, and fixing something you are truly sorry for…or trying to. Understanding that it is your cross to bear, is another facet.

You did it.

Some things you can’t fix later.

I admit that I’m flawed, and I have hurt countless people in my life that I did not intend to…and some I did.

Still, the choice was mine to make; so whatever forgiveness I can seek out and earn back from my loved ones because I’m truly sorry and want to make it better; just fixes me… in the end… from within; because I honestly don’t deserve the chance to fuck it up again; but you’re trusting me not to; so I won’t. I owe you THAT much.

You see?

This I know for sure.

We’ve all been on both sides, without wanting to; and both sides suck.

I know the pain I’VE caused others is real; the trauma I carry from others hurting me is real….

And so is MY truth…

My absolute resolve is that I am indeed a very complex individual, with issues that have been fed too much, for too long…and I am just tired of dealing with certain feelings, and I’m tired of myself most of all for being tired…even though I know some of it, isn’t my fault at all…

A lot of it is.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds Β©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Pretty sure it’s Tuesday, and the fact that I had to think about that is sad; still…

My mood is better today.

I can’t expect to feel positive all the time, when there are real problems I’m dealing with.

I’m not afraid anymore to say when I feel like shit inside, and I guess that is one good thing.  

Truth be told, I have no reason to trust anybody; or care. 

I think that’s a rather fucked up and selfish way of looking at things though; so I’m again looking on the bright side….because I actually hate feeling shitty…I don’t know if any of you have realized this by now, or not. I know it may be hard at points to tell.

If I could change one thing about myself, it would be my pessimism on life in general.

I work on it daily to control it; because I know that my attitude, directly affects my whole day, and life. Lately I’ve been failing.

It is still hard to stop up the leaks in my heart; for valid reasons that will always suck.

For that, I wish there were a solid cure that worked…

Faith seems to be the only option to slow it down.

Day 142 on the sober count; keeping it real, like always.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds Β©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Maybe…

Maybe it’s because it means more….

to struggle for things you need and want.

If there was no struggle, then there wouldn’t really be that much of a reward in the end.

It wouldn’t mean anything.

I don’t know if that’s exactly true; but it’s what I tell myself when I feel beside myself, and upside down. 

Just keep going.

Today I feel good enough, and there is reason to believe that it might just be a good day after all. 

I have faith.

T and I have decided to stay where we are for now, and to take this next month and really find a place that will suit us.

I believe that things and moments come to you when you really need them. 

I’m going to stop expecting, and start accepting. 

I think it can only help in the end. 

Love yourself.

J. Rounds Β©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I tell myself again today, to live in the moment…before it is gone forever…..

Today is what I make of it. It’s impossible to live today, if I’m living in tomorrow or yesterday.

I have been in better spirits; but I am sober and still alive;  I guess that’s all that really matters, considering.

The sarcasm and anxiety I expressed yesterday, was exactly that. It was warranted completely; a company is basically trying to take our money illegally; so I can’t apologize for yesterday’s post, and the colorful, rainbow fucks that WERE definitely given.

My Brooklyn took over.

I’m pretty sure that even Oprah has opened up a huge can of F bomb on occasion, to save her own Oprah sanity. 

I am NO Oprah; and I am well aware of this fact….just sayin’.

I’ve come to some hard conclusions about life the last days, and it’s just not worth it to play the “I’m fine” game, when there are certain things, that I am far from being fine on, like people stealing from us, when we are trying to get our lives together and fully healthy. Also it just isn’t worth not venting openly in some form, especially when I’m writing to heal myself from the inside out.

For what it’s worth, I’m still glad I am off the synthetic meds and stopped the alcohol, even though I have the ups and downs.

At least I can actually feel now, and it makes it easier to know what my core emotions are, and where they come from. I felt like the meds were just masking my symptoms, but they were never really controlling them. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that kind of life where I’ll just power through hard things, without emotion, and in full control. MOST times I hate that I feel at all; but I know that if I don’t, I’ll just be an empty shell; as I’ve said before, that’s not a life I want anymore for me.

I don’t think you can cure me with a pill or a drink or a shot. I think the only thing that’ll truly work for me is a labotomy, and I simply can’t find anyone to do it, that I can afford OR trust. LOL.

I hate the fact that you can see my damage in my eyes, and on my face. I can erase the lines on my face easy enough; but the eyes NEVER lie. It is hard for me to look into them sometimes, because I don’t much know how to fix it so it doesn’t remind me of the past, and all the things I have come to hate and realize about myself.  I don’t want to live there anymore, and IT IS a daily battle to overcome.

I guess I’m coming to terms with the fact that I need to find a psychotherapist that can actually help me. Someone that won’t try to put me on pills to fix me; but will actually help me cope with the way that I was made naturally, AND the trauma that I tend to carry around like a best friend with VIP access to the worst version of me.

Everyday I realize that I am not in control of my emotions. I would like to find a way to be able to properly think something through, before reacting negatively or overreacting.

I also think I need anger management. I have rage and bitterness in me, that needs to be addressed, and I don’t want to be angry or hurtful to anyone at all. It doesn’t look good on me.

I do not have the coping mechanisms that I am supposed to have, and it is hard to feel peace full-time, when you know that you are not at your best. 
I don’t know what my best is; but I do know that I have to keep fighting to find it. Just being sober simply isn’t enough for me anymore.

I also know that there will always be things to work on regarding myself, and there are always new goals to meet and to work for. 

Today I hope for a good day, with some good juju sprinkled on top. We have proof we paid the money, and so I surely hope we will get it back, as we should.

I am trying my hardest to not be afraid of the unknown, and to embrace it. 

I blame myself for my own failures, and noone else. It IS hard for me to trust fully though, due to direct contact with people like this asshole we are dealing with now, and otherwise generally assholish others.

In the end, I know in order to keep moving forward, this moment is all that matters, and so I’m refocused to just take it as it comes…it’s really all any of us can do anyways.

Love yourself every day, even if you don’t think you deserve it. You are the only one that can decide that you are worthy.

You are worth love, and you are worth forgiveness.  You are worth a better life.

Forgive yourself daily if you have to, and don’t give up.

I hope your day is wonderful. Also I wanted to let you know, that I do not own automatic weapons or guns of any kind, and I am not planning on it;  your sides of beef are totally safe. πŸ˜‰

{This ain’t a scene, it’s a god damn arms race}

Gotta’ love the *Disclaimers. ^^^^^^^ πŸ˜‰

Laters.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

July 25th, 2017… I’m 46 years old and not dead yet.Β 

We move first of the month. πŸ™‚

Where there’s a will, there’s a way πŸ™‚

I heard from my eldest daughter, and my mother sent a wonderful birthday card. T wrote me a beautiful song, and we met our goal. 

We are 121 days sober.

 We work for it every day. 

T says there are really no “buts” in happiness….

I agree fully. 

Happy 46th birthday to me. 

I’ve had WAY shittier ones for sure. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

What I want for my Birthday, is to get into this house…

 

I hope it will work in my favor. I will be adding the link to my light kit later. This is just a stupid price. I’m not stoked at all, but it looks like it’s the only way it’ll work.Β  It’ll be interesting to see if it actually sells. I have a bet going with myself.

Wish me luck.

Love yourself.

 

 

Ad for my Camera

 

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

Approved for House

Firstly, enjoy my cat Lolita being flirty with the neighbor πŸ™‚

WE GOT APPROVED FOR THE HOUSE WE WANTED!!

I’m estatic, but still feeling the stress. They wanted us to sign the lease yesterday.

But…

We still need to save up about a grand to get in it, and the end of the month is the deadline to beat. It becomes tricky for someone like me, who has no avenues regarding extra money or getting loans when I’m in a tight spot…

The only thing I know to do, is to sell my camera equipment. Or try to…again. It’s really the only thing of value I own.

I think it’s more important, to get out of this neighborhood, and into that house, so we can have a healthy environment and fresh start…than it is to hold on to material objects that I can eventually get back anyways. 

It’s all I can do. Wants vs. NEEDS.

Next post will be the listing of it, in case anyone here is interested in good, quality, well-kept, hardly used equipment for stupid cheap. 

I’m off social media in all regards, but this blog…so…yep.

I’m pretty sure that no one will even buy it; because it’s ME;  but I’m gonna’ try anyways. 

I’ve felt repeatedly like giving up through this entire process; but $1000.00 isn’t going to keep T and I back from a chance at a positive step in the right direction for OUR LIVES.

The money really isn’t even the problem, it’s the timing of it all that is really shaking things up. I’m nervous and feel sick, and I cannot eat.

I know if T and I just hold on, something good is going to happen regarding this. 

I have faith. 

We have been sober for 3 months, and 24 days.

That in itself is a total miracle. Getting this house is going to be another one. 

We are almost there. If it wasn’t for T and good friend I’ve been talking to, I’d be even more in cahoots. 

I’m going to have faith.

There’s the update!!

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2017 ~Peaces of ME

So I’m feeling really positive; days like these, make the hard days worth it; Dr. Phil is the man…Β 

I think Dr. Phil is a pretty smart guy. 

He’s hardcore. NO BS. He makes sense because he spells it out logically and directly… and has a plan to turn it around most times, that’s doable.

If you do it.

It might sound cliche’, but it’s what I’m doing right now while I’m writing this blog. 

I’m trying to keep a routine, and form some sort of daily agenda that will help keep me moving forward. This will help me immensely to blog more often. I start in the late -morning, and finish it up later if it can’t be edited in the allotted time-frame….like today.

I’ve found that I thrive on structure, so although I’m not working and on SSI, I get up every day with T at 6 am, before he goes to work…and even on the weekends (Lol). I’m just used to it now, and I actually enjoy the quality time we get to spend together. It’s OUR routine. 

We did that also when we were drinking on the weekends; but we don’t drink anymore, and T has a much better job and working enviroment, doing what he loves now. I need to fill my day, with steps to a better place as well, so that I can accomplish my own goals too.

I am more than ready, and have the emotional support behind me now;  I am going to make it happen. I’m working on this every day. 

A daily routine/schedule, that involves me scheduling the work to get there, is what I’m trying to do, and build.

I’ve got plenty of things to do, and eventually I won’t be on SSI full-time, and my plan is to get off it all together again and start living my dreams; which really just means being a positive influence in my kids lives; being a healthy partner and best friend to T; spending time on and with true friends; forming some sort of working relation with my sister’s again; making sure my mother sees all us girls together again someday and talking and sisterly like we should be (I hope); making money doing what I’m good at doing and enjoy; helping others through my story; living with a purpose, instead of just a sick existence.

I need the routine to keep me on track. 

Seems like It’ll help a whole lot. 

……………………………………………………..
I’ve had some good, positive and hard growth these past days.

It’s been life-changing. 

I really don’t know how else to put it. That just doesn’t really happen that much for me.

The peaces clicked together, and I have great hope.

I KNOW that not every day is going to be rosy and life goes in that way; it just does and this is MY story. But I’m changing all around as a person in a good way, and it makes me want to keep going. 

It agrees with me.

I have so much to change still; but it will be worth it, and it will happen. 

I know my kids are worth it, 

I will be there for them in any way I can. 

I’m going to do this in the following ways:

1. I’m going to work daily to stay healthy and sober. 

2. I’m going to keep consistent contact with my 3 children, and not make plans or promises, that I know might not work out. It causes me to fail and not follow through, and cause hurt. (and then I’m afraid to contact them.) This won’t be happening anymore. I also hope I can work out a way to communicate better with my ex in the future, because I WOULD like to see them at some point, as is doable and agreeable by both parties…when things are better.

3. Positivity is what I want to remember; but I’m going to ask for help if I need it. (That means not being afraid to admit I’m upset about something and need to talk it out.

4. I’m going to work my ass off. 

5. I’m not going to stop until I get to where I need to be.

6. I’m going to believe in myself and remember that life is really about the journey…not the destination….just breathe.

I figure it’s a matter of time before I see results…it’s a no- brainer if I don’t stop. 

I want my life to mean something before I go.

And it will. 

That’s the part of the story I can control.

I’m really happy because I feel like there’s finally hope; and when there is hope, there is always a way to build on it. 

I am 99 days sober. The Fourth of July will mark 100;  I’ll make sure of it.  πŸ™‚

Love yourself. 

J. Rounds Β©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Saturday, July 1st, 2017. I Have Faith in my Ability to Keep Changing for the Better…

Sometimes when I think I can’t get much more tense, or my anxiety can’t get much worse; it does, and I then have to write.

Writing helps me to stay sober and to focus; and mainly it’s a tool I use for all-around self-healing; hence this blog. 

I free-write a lot.

It helps when I feel overwhelmed; or just need a friend that will never let me down, and is always there…to just listen.

When I go back and read the things I’ve written, I can re-think it through again; find self-validation; and find things that can help me become a better person. Sometimes it’s really embarrassing to know I’ve said (written) some of the things I’ve said (written), or I feel too exposed…

But I know I’m not the only one out there that struggles with life, addictions, and personal flaws…and wants to not struggle with it anymore; or the only person that feels like sometimes things just get to be too much, and you just need to put it out there, and hope that some good will come of it; or you won’t want to still fling yourself off a bridge after you’re done.

So for me it’s worth it. It’s worth anything you might personally think about my story as well…

As long as you’re thinking.

I hope some day my children will read it; know that I loved them, and always remember to love themselves most of all; because it matters.

I hope they will not ever go down my road. I hope they will never have these kinds of personal issues in their life. I hope it will help them to really know me as a person inside.

I feel like it’s one of my only avenues of actually explaining myself, for who I am; to them.

I hope they can see me grow into a better person, and they will be proud of me some day.

That’s what I want.

I am not giving up on my children.

But…

If this is all I can do to redeem myself for my faults as a person; in the end, it will be worth it to me.

At least there’s a running record of progress, although it may be small, and not up to my personal standards sometimes.

……………………………………………………..

………………………………………………………

I struggle a lot with myself because I know that I’m not easy to understand; I have legit issues that can ruin me quickly if I’m not smart about it, and walk the line; I haven’t been so smart in the past at all; and it’s hard to be respected when you have hurt a lot of people that you shouldn’t have, and have slowly ruined your life, and parts of other people’s lives as well.

I admit that I’m a fuck up; and for me; admitting it, is a direct way to try to fix it….or do the best I can to. I don’t know where I’m gonna’ end up, but I’m actively participating in my life now; and I actually care about moving forward to a place of full-time, genuine self-acceptance, and becoming a positive role- model for my kids.

I have to say that it just feels like people expect me to take whatever crap they throw at me, and accept it and deal with it, without being able to actually have an emotion or some kind of counter about what I personally am feeling about it.

Seriously, I get that I may seem smug or bitch, or too sarcastic at times; but like do I have an actual right to be able to feel the way I feel without it being wrong? 

I get SO tired of having to accept everything in the world, just because that’s the way it is. 

Fuck that. 

Yeah, I drop the F-bomb probably too much in general. 

This is an adult blog.

But really…

I have come to terms that some things are never going to be, the way I want them to be.

I fucked it up.

That still doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have feelings about things.

OR that my feelings aren’t valid.

I’m not taking shit from people just because they think I deserve it. 

I‘m not putting myself in situations, where the only outcome is hurt for me; or certain faliure… anymore. 

I can’t do it.

I control my enviroment as much as I can. 

I don’t know if it’s a flaw or not. I think it’s a blessing and a curse at times. 

I really can’t help it that I need direction or validation sometimes on things I am uncertain about. I do think it’s part of my disease. I lack certain things in me, I am trying to stop that. I think I was born with something missing in me sometimes, but perhaps that’s just me, being ME again.

Clear and direct, is easy for me to understand. Assumptions and hypocrisy, up in the air, ignoring me….not so much. (Even though I admit I am all of it sometimes, even though I try not to be.) Mostly, and especially lately, I think it’s because I’m always afraid I’m going to mess it up more; and so I want a valid starting point or clarification, so I can deal accordingly, and not mess it up. I want clear direction on certain things. A working plan…something to go on.

It makes sense to me. 

I can’t ever seem to get it.

……………………………………………………..

I was thinking the other day, just how much money I had spent on alcohol in general over the course of my life; and then after I came to Ohio; and it’s just ridiculous and sad. 

It sucks SO bad to be almost 46 years old and know I could be somewhere completely different in my life, had I made better choices, and not looked for quick fixes to take the pain away. 

I could have saved my children from my trauma. I worry that they will have problems later on in life, and turn to substances to solve them; because of me; and the fact that I have subjected them to my sickness through DNA and direct contact. 

I would say I unwillingly subjected them, but there is that selfish part of me that makes that statement not true.

Although I knew I was having issues with my mental health after my son passed, I chose to mask MY pain, instead of dealing with it, and my kids got to see their mom, falling down drunk, loaded up on pills, and completely fail at being a functioning, healthy role-model and mother. 

I could have killed my other two kids on legal medication that I was prescribed and alcohol, because I was driving around.  

The hurt I carry is so intertwined, from SO many things…and I just wonder how I ever let it get so far out of hand. 

My son had passed tragically. 

It’s no excuse…and I know it.

Like how could I be that person? It’s like there’s another person inside of me that just takes over, and she comes when I’m drinking, highly stressed, or in fight or flight mode. 

I don’t like her at all. 

I don’t like to feel this way inside. 

I am glad that I made the choice to stop drinking, and to start seeing myself for who I actually was and am now. 

………………………………………………………

I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life, and I’m a prime example of how you can lose yourself completely and destroy others in your wake, if you don’t stop yourself from yourself.

If you’re an alcoholic or addict in active addiction; or if you’re a person that suffers from mental disorders and you don’t take care of yourself and your life when you should; you would do yourself a great service to consider changing that immediately, and start doing what actually needs to be done to change that in you.

You have to take care of yourself. You have to make good decisions. Learning the hard way is a bitch, and you can’t take back damage, after you inflict it.

It’s too late.

I know this for sure.

Do it sooner than later because it’s just not worth going around in circles, and suppressing the pain you carry.

It’s not.

You affect more than just yourself, even though you may not think so. 

I never knew the pain I caused others, ran as deep as the hurt I carry.

It’s a fact.

It breaks my heart on many levels, and makes me ashamed.

Don’t let it be you ever. 

I am lucky I’m still alive and I haven’t killed anyone. 

I AM NOT my disease. 

Unless I choose to be. 

Love yourself.

J.Rounds Β©2017 ~Peaces of ME