What Matters Most.

So I had this long blog that I wrote a few days ago, but my internet shit out before I saved it;  now I’m writing this. 

I like my job. 

Physically speaking, there is no real reason to buy a gym membership now, because it’s literally cardio and lifting stuff all day long. That’s awesome to me. In the morning waking up it is tough, but at least I know I’m getting there.

There are a lot of dogs at this place, who are either extremely nervous or disabled/sick. Many come on a daily basis for day care. I know they all know I’m a “good one”. I know that I help them feel better after interacting with them. I also know they look forward to seeing ME. That’s a good feeling to have, because it is real and rewarding. I was told my boss that I am doing an exceptional job. Other higher ups have said the same things.

I don’t know how much better of a compliment or validation I can get. I’ve been straight up honest about myself to them, and so for them to come out and say multiple times that I’m basically killing it…well no one there knows how much it means to me. 

It motivates me in general.

I feel fortunate that I’ve found something that suits me, and helps me focus on the positive. I actually will have some money now, to be able to meet some other goals that need to *met. 

My kids birthdays are both this month. My eldest daughter yesterday, and my eldest son’s is tomorrow, on the 30th. I still remember how upset my eldest was that her brother’s birthday was literally two days after hers. I had to smile at the thought of it because I do understand. I think everybody wants a time where they matter most. (or a month) 😊

My damn vagina not cooperating. Hahaha.

Anyways Happy Birthday babies. I love you so much. I could never be more lucky, *than to have the privilege of having you in my life. 

I also know all of the other stuff, but I want you to know that I try to be a better person today, and you guys are the reason. You are the most important things in my life. I hope I can truly show you with my actions, and you will know one day.

I feel the need to write it here, in case you come across this blog one day. 

I’m six months, 3 days sober today. And it’s because I know for once in my life what’s really important. That’s my sobriety, kids, family and friends that truly love me, my job, my goals, being a positive influence to the world. 

I am grateful for my life, and the people in it *that truly value me. 

Free writing is my forte’, because I can be just me; and I’m alright with it.  

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

A Mother’s Regret.

My eldest daughter will be 29, at the end of this month.

THAT is CRAZY.

She is surely one of the brightest and most beautiful people you will ever meet; and I am grateful every day that she turned out to be so level-headed and smart…despite having someone like me, for a mother.

It’s true; that was not a “poor me, feel bad for me”, statement.

My truth hurts me MOST of the time…because I chose to put a lot of things in front of what I should have done…for most of my life.

I haven’t allowed myself to fully feel the thoughts of how much I was not there for my first born, when she was growing up.  I love her SO much, that it’s hard for me to think about how much I missed out on by choice, how much that must have hurt her, and how much I know I’ve let her down, when it counted.

I was not there for her when she was little, not really. Not like I should have been, at all. 

I was more of a visiting friend…and it wasn’t consistent, or of much quality. She was not yet a year old, when I left my mother’s house. She didn’t come to live with me full-time until the age of 13, and by 16, she was living with her father.

I think that one of the hardest parts for me about being sober, is that all of the parts that I was trying to kill with substance, come seeping back in through the cracks; like an octopus that is systematically creeping through a crevis five times too small for it’s body.

I sometimes think that what hell really is… is the pain you have to suffer through, when you are alive on this Earth.

It sucks to know that I hurt my daughter emotionally. 

How and why, is a story of it’s own…that maybe I can manage to get fully down on paper some day.

I was texting with my daughter yesterday; and she thanked me for continuing to reach out to her. 

All I could do was to reassure her that I was there if she needed me. 

All I can do today, is to prove it to her by being consistent with love and support when she needs me, and otherwise always.

I tried to stay away from her for a long time, because I was ashamed of myself, my selfish ways, and I didn’t want to screw her up. 

I wish I would have had the support to believe in myself, and that I could have been a good mother to her; because I think I could have been. 

The truth is, my mother had me believing that I couldn’t do much of anything but fail, by the time she kicked me out, and I left the house…a month before my 18th birthday.

Another truth.

When your mother says “I will call the cops if you take that baby…”

Let’s just say if I would have been smart, I would have believed that I could have been a good mother to her. 

I would have found a way to be, the mother I should have been, because I would have known that I could do it…

And I would have, TAKEN MY OWN BABY with me.

I love my mother, but I wish she knew sometimes, how much I wish I could have been my daughters mother, instead of her. 

I’ve struggled with this, for almost 30 years now.

I hope that some day, I can truthfully talk to my daughter about that time..because mostly my goal is to LISTEN.

I’m proud of my daughter, and the woman she is. 

I hope she always knows it. 

I’m glad she was raised to always believe in herself no matter what; because I think it’s made all the difference. 

I have more to say about it, but not today.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

To Karter, May 3rd, 2017.

You’d be 12 today…that’s just crazy. 

I know you are gone, but it doesn’t stop it from hurting, or from wanting you back with me.

I know it would be selfish of me to accept that; if it were offered; but if I had a chance to do it all over again I would have done things so much differently, and maybe someone would have listened to me sooner. It still haunts me…but I know we can’t go back now.

It took me a long time to realize the full scope of your journey. At the time I was just doing anything I could to hold on to you a little longer. I didn’t want you to go. I was so afraid to lose you.

I still struggle to understand why there has to be such a thing, as suffering and pain, in souls that are so pure….but I cannot make sense of it. In light of this fact, I try to find some sort of acceptance in it instead…however small.

If I don’t, I will surely give up on everyone and everything, and I believe that that would not be what you would want from me. 

You changed me, and made me a stronger and a better person. You kept me alive with the memories of you, when I was at my lowest, and wanted to give up. It’s because of you that I fight to be a better person. 

I think of you often, and I like to think I’ll see you again. 

I know you’re better now, and I only ever wanted that for you. Sometimes it is just bittersweet, I guess. 

I love you… And thank you for showing me what real love and strength really means.

I never knew it before you.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

I Got Some Really Bad News today…

I just have so much pain in my heart right now, for so many things.

It aches and feels like it’s never going to be ok.

I think of all the things I could have done differently and the bad choices I’ve made in my past.

I’m suffering the repercussions of some of those bad choices now. But this time, it couldn’t get any worse. My kids are gone now for good. I hate myself right now more than anything.

My heart is torn in a million pieces, and I’m all alone. I don’t care what anyone says; Hell is right here on Earth and I live in it every single day.

The last time I have been this devestated was when my son passed. It’s the same exact feeling.

Now, I have literally nothing to live for, and I don’t know what to do.

I do know I’m not giving up. Because giving up never got me anywhere.

I’m also not going to drink even though I really want to right now. Because I know that’d kill me even more.

Please say a good thought for Jenni (me) if you would please, I’d really appreciate it.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through this, but there’s no other option. Day by day I guess.

I will remember to Love myself this time. As always, I hope you will too.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me.

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About my PTSD

Deep rooted trauma has screwed me up.
It replays like a record and  sometimes takes up much of my day, even week; consuming all thoughts and sucking up any motivation I may have had to get anything done.

For me, from what I’ve been able to understand through the healing process, it is something that really will never go away; but I can manage it to the point where it no longer becomes a primary focus in my life.

I am no Dr. Firstly.

But I have been coping for some time now with multiple hard traumas; to the point that I had to make some hard decisions and try to start actively trying to get better, or I was going to lose anything Jenny I ever knew and that ever was me.

One of the biggest things I did, was to acknowledge that I could not change my past. It sounds so cliche` and obvious to most when you say that I know. The past is the past… it’s of course, obvious.

For someone like me who struggles with PTSD, it’s something I have to consciously tell myself; daily.

Sometimes we want so badly to change past events; that we punish ourselves in the process because we think replaying it will produce a different outcome; or perhaps a different way of making sense of what happened.  There’s always that one thing we could have done differently to change what the outcome ultimately was; even though it was already pretermined and it was going to go down the same way, no matter what. Some things you just cannot change, no matter what. I do know that now.

Regarding my son; he is gone and I can’t change that fact. I did everything I possibly could have done to save him. I did everything I possibly could have done.

I don’t know where Karter is; but I do know he’s not suffering anymore; and there’s nothing I could have done differenty to save him. I tried with everything that was me.

I still replay his last day and death in my head, every day; but I know now there’s nothing I could have done. The things I tell myself about it that make me think otherwise…aren’t true.

That realization in itself I think is one of the biggest break throughs I have made, in the past eight years.

For a while there, I was literally driving myself crazy playing that record.

That record finally got a huge scratch in it;  so I put it in it’s sleeve and put it in a special place where I can see it when I need to.

I still look at it too often; I can’t help it; but I’m trying to play other records now.

There’s other music to play.

J.Rounds (c) 2016 ~Peaces of Me

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Because You’re Mine…I Walk the Line

Every day you have opportunity to grow.  I am forced to look beyond my stupid, little world tonight; and to fully recognize what I have truly done to my children’s lives; when I left Michigan to come to Pennsylvania, to be well.

I knew I needed to leave Michigan, firstly. I was doing deliberate, compulsive things to hurt myself in many ways. I was walking streets alone at night at 2-3 am in the morning; highways even; miles and miles a night, with no regards for my safety at all. I was walking past the funeral home where my son’s service was held, almost every night; looking into the windows when they were closed; in hopes I’d see my dead son roaming the halls, and that maybe I could communicate with him. I was in active addiction on and off; but mostly on. I was starving myself on purpose; I lost over 100 pounds. I was not in counseling or on any kind of medication at all. I was involved with people I had no business being around at all, because they were shady and up to no good. I effectively destroyed and disengaged completely from anyone important in my life and started to isolate. I was highly suicidal and started formulating plans and scenarios in which to fulfill it; writing suicide letters and making final suicide videos. I was in effect, going crazy.

I did not know that I was suffering from, nor was I diagnosed with, PTSD at that time.  All I knew was that I did not want to continue down the road I was going on and if I did not get out, I would die.  I did not want to.

After moving to a childhood friend’s house for a bit, I decided it was best for me to come to PA to try to get my life back together again, for my kids and for myself.

I always thought, that if my kids knew I loved them, that I would be able to keep a relationship with them, as if I had never even left.  I don’t why I thought this at all; surely it was a lie I told myself to keep from feeling the devastation of them not being in my life anymore on a frequent basis, as they had been before.

This was not the case.

By coming to Pennsylvania for a better, more peaceful life; and not having the means to travel back and forth to them accordingly; I have myself; cut off any real relationship that I could have had with them.  This was not originally what I intended to do, but it IS what has happened.

I learned tonight that both my children are struggling with issues regarding me not being around, to the point that it is affecting their health. It is devastating to me to know I have done this to them.

I also learned that by saying I was moving back, but then deciding not to; that I made it even worse; to the point that my kids feel they aren’t loved by me at all.  All the calls in the world and the I love yous, can’t change these facts; OR take away that damage; because I am not there.

Sometimes when I think I am doing the very best I can do, it comes into light that I am not; at all. These latest things that were explained to me tonight have made me understand clearly that I have some hard choices to make; and some work to get done to make it happen.  I question how I could not have realized it myself; but I think that sometimes things just fall into place when they need to; and it was now I needed to know.

Every choice you make in life directly impacts not only yourself, but most often many others around you as well. As much as you may think you are doing what’s best for all involved; you can inadvertently be doing more damage than you even are aware of.

I did not intend to hurt my children.  In fact, my children are the most beautiful people I know in my life and the most precious to me.  So now I intend to form a plan to show it.

I do not regret coming to Pennsylvania to find my soul again. I am stronger than ever before and I know I have it in me to achieve great things in life.  I do however regret that I did not think it through enough, and that my children got caught in my wake, once again.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and I hope they will forgive me one day.

I will be going back in the Spring to Michigan, to start over ONE more time.  This time I will follow through. I will show my children that they are loved; and that I am a better mother now, for having come out here.

They deserve the world;  and that’s all that matters to me. I am grateful they have someone in their life that is loving them as their own as well. I’m also grateful she took the time to speak with me tonight directly. It 
was what I needed to hear for sure.

Thank you.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of me

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On the eve of my Karter’s birthday, I guess I’m just feeling more than anything, that I was lucky to have been blessed to be his mother, and to have had the time I did with him.

I felt like such a huge failure as a mother, because I wasn’t able to get the Drs. to listen to me no matter what I said or tried to do.  I did everything short of scream like a banshee up and down the halls of the hospital unit like a raging lunatic.

He waited until I fell asleep, before he let go.

I can still see the last look he gave me, and can still feel the last time I held him in my arms.  He had a hard life.  He was happy a lot and beautiful, but he also suffered a lot too.  The Gods were not kind.

I know he is better now.  I KNOW he is.  I also know he’s with me.  I can feel him every time I think I can’t go on and in every sunshine. 🙂

I don’t know where we end up after this life or if we just blank out. I have had my own experiences with religion and I’m not one to say what is right regarding that because I just don’t know.  I respect and love my Jesus friends because it’s understood that we don’t force each others’ beliefs on one another.  We have a healthy respect for one another in that regard and it works nicely.  That’s the way everyone should be in the world as far as I’m concerned, but that’s neither here nor there.

What I do know for a fact is that My son Karter is with me.  He’s in my heart.  He’s in my children’s faces.  He’s in every disabled child that suffers, that I see.

I’m just glad that I can cry now. Finally.  I’m glad I can finally forgive myself for things I had no control over, because for a long time I carried around this burden that I could have somehow done more, and that it would have saved him.

Karter would have been ten tomorrow.  I talked to my kids tonight and me and my son shared a brief moment of disbelief in that fact, and then we laughed remembering how he was, because he was beautiful and awesome…and he always will be.

My youngest daughter was almost one when he passed, so she just sees the pictures.  My eldest son was 7, so he remembers. My eldest daughter was 20.  She was devastated, as we all were. It is the most unbearable grief to not be able to take that pain away from them.  I wish every day that I could.

I love my children more than anything.  I just hope they always will know this.  I tell them every time I talk to them, I have a ways to go to prove it though.

It’s hard to admit I’m not an active, good mother to my remaining children.  And it’s hard to admit I lost it after my son passed, but I did.

I know I did.  I also know I struggle with my own demons that affects my thinking and actions still sometimes.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder coupled with Bi-polar, tripled with addiction does not a good mix make.  I ebb and flow on my moods and I try every day to remain positive for my remaining kids.

But on the eve of my Karter’s birthday, I guess I’m just feeling more than anything, that I was lucky to have been blessed to be his mother, and to have had the time I did with him.

The rest will come later.  As it always does.

LOVE.

Karter

J Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of me

Karter Law

May 21st,2015

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Karter’s birthday is coming up May 3rd and I will be alone as usual. He would have been ten years old.

I was his caregiver 24/7. Even in the hospital, I took care of him; I wouldn’t really let the nurses even touch him. I gave him all of his meds. and bathed him, held him and took care of him, just like I did at home. I can do most of the things most nurses can do, but the difference is I didn’t go to school for it; I lived it.

He passed in the hospital about a half hour after the nurses told me to get some rest, as I had been up for three days straight with him because he was having issues, and I felt like he was in grave danger.

Words can’t even describe the feeling of waking up to your 3 1/2 yr old lying there in his hospital bed…passed over. They worked on him for 21 minutes and every minute I prayed to god to please let him come back. They finally called it at 12:11 pm Oct 3rd, 2008. It was surreal.

You may as well have put a shotgun up to my heart and pulled the trigger. My world stopped that day. I can’t get the last look he gave me out of my head. I hated God. I spiraled down into addiction and a very unhealthy relationship afterwards, ruined my entire family.

We sued the hospital and won. It took 5 years and they picked apart every single thing that was me and tried to make me feel like I was a bad mother. I was not at all at that time.  I have since come to make peace that it is not my fault and that wherever he may be, he is better off because his quality of life was not very good.  He, in the end, was literally being kept alive by medication.

I documented him by video when he was still here for his Dr.s at the Cleveland Clinic and Detroit Children’s who were studying him;  they didn’t know why he moved so much.  I posted them on YouTube because I was desperate for anyone that might be able to help him and our family.  Instead I was called a child abuser, stupid, bad mother, that I was drinking when pregnant, on and on.  All of the things that were not true at all.  It was very, very hurtful, and I deleted a lot of the comments.

It was later, after he passed, I started to think about all the meds. he was on on a daily basis to keep him alive, and figured out that the medicine he was on for his movement disorder, (HALDOL) in essence, made his movement disorder WORSE. ONE of the many side effects from the drug which I find cruelly ironic. You think you are doing the best thing for your child, and the very opposite is happening; and you don’t even know it.  I also think that the Effexor, which my Primary put me on from Prozac when I found out that I was pregnant, caused the malformation in his brain, and was the root of the problem in the first place.  It’s a very bitter pill to swallow, and I hated myself for being weak and needing it, for a very long time.

I tried to watch some of his videos and this is the only one I can bare. I regret not filming him when he was thriving and happy. It would have been nice to have now, but I only have pictures; most of which my ex husband still has despite my asking for them.

My son had many issues, but the two biggest being Epilepsy and his Dyskinesia (movement disorder.) Both caused other issues and it was painful to see someone you love so much suffering, and you can’t control it. I am confident that if medical cannabis would have been an option, that his quality of life would have been 200% better.  He might still be alive today.  I advocate for the legalization of it openly and fully.

THIS is why I hate synthetic meds., and this my Karty.

I miss him every single day and I feel him with me often. He is the one that saves me every time I can’t go on.

I decided to share this video because I want people to know his struggle and our story. This is just a small portion of who he was and I am in the process of trying to write a book about his life and the people he touched; because he touched many.  It is a very slow, painful process.

These politicians that think they can play god and keep medical cannabis and cannabis in general illegal, don’t know what they are doing or talking about at all. I will advocate for it until my dying breath. I am convinced it would have saved my son, and I’m convinced that no matter what, things happen for a reason and I was lucky to have been his mother. He was amazing.

People seem to think they know me; they really don’t know the half of it. This video may be hard to watch for some. It is not graphic; it is just hard to watch.

Tell the people you love that you love them and show it every day. Because one day they could be taken away from you in the blink of an eye. I’d give anything to have one more day with Karter. I just hope I see him again one day, instead of just my dreams.

J Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of me

KARTER