Hodge-podge thoughts that squirreled away from me.
That’s how it goes with Jenni and her writing, most times.
***I’m not a Doctor.***
***I’m trying to navigate my way through this subject so that I can grow and become a better version of myself. This is my thought process written in blog form. It is not a medical opinion of anyone, but a series of learned things about myself and other people, via personal, lived experiences and crappy choices. Maybe it might help someone other than me to consider a different way of life than the one they currently live if you can manage to draw any conclusions out of it.***
BE THE FRIEND YOU NEVER HAD GROWING UP.
“Speak, even if your voice trembles.”
Narcissistic qualities are rampant in active addiction, and I know it to be true first-hand in myself.
It’s scary to me, actually.
Narcissism is considered a character flaw in general, and it’s because it is based on grandiose ideas about one’s self that are not there, or true.
You lie to yourself and the people around you, basically. It’s better than it actually is; and if it’s not, it’s not your fault.
I’ve lived a life that involved being emotionally in fight or flight mode for much of it. In and out of addictions to numb me of my own demons and inability to cope with my truths in life. Poor life choices. I’ve felt and still feel invalidated on many major things in life that have happened to me throughout it that I could not control.
I have lived unhealthy mental cycles by choice because of it, and it has taken me years and years to unlearn many negative thought processes. I actively seek healthy re-wire on the daily, because I know now that it is ME who is responsible for my own life and choices, and no one else.
Some negative thoughts are still there, in varying degrees.
I’m in trauma therapy today, and in a different place in my life.
I truly struggle sometimes with my self-worth and I wonder a lot about narcissistic behavior, because not only have I been involved with people in narcissistic relationships my entire life, I am also well-aware that I have been at times narcissistic myself, throughout parts of mine.
I hate that fact.
I wonder if I am truly a narcissistic person, even though I truly don’t think I am.
For me, my narcissistic behavior and active addiction seemed to mimic each other, and walk hand-in-hand.
It IS the same kind of lack of empathy or cares for anyone other than ones’ self.
Same, obvious character defects present. Same lies and manipulation and inability to accept reality.
A person that hides behind lies plays a game that their mind will never win.
I learned that the hard way.
***Please don’t learn it the hard way, because it’s REALLY hard, and healthier to avoid. You will hurt others, and then you’ll regret it.***
Addiction is a lie you live. Narcissism is a lie you tell yourself. The same kind of behaviors, or principal. In my opinion, only.
Narcissism could be some sort of an addiction in itself, I do not really know, but it does seem logical to me.
Narcissistic people as well as addicts in active addiction, kill pieces of other people deliberately; out of spite or greed, or the hustle for the drug of choice; the personal gain or goal. Caring for anything else is too hard, and not important at the end of the day.
It doesn’t matter who it hurts.
Both active addicts and narcassists will play the victim; but in actuality; 9/10 times, they are the Predator.
*The one with the problem.*
The person knows it. They hide it. They would never admit it.
A wolf in sheep’s clothing, they already ate the sheep; except for the hunk in the freezer. They always are one step ahead, and always have a back-up plan that doesn’t involve anyone but themselves.
Likable and generally charismatic, at first SEEMS to be the best human since the last narcissist or addict you met that was exactly the same kind of person, and not so “best human”.
***Trust your gut people, it doesn’t lie.***
I’ve learned it the hard way, multiple times.
I also have been this person before, and it was not the best version of myself at all.
*So, am I a narcissistic person for real, or was I just not who I really was because I was too caught up in my own vices to care about anything else?
I think the later, today.
Real Narcassists are unable to admit character flaws and wrongdoings and will not openly admit anything; that being the number one character flaw of the person.
They will instead, look for every other thing to point out wrong about you or anything else if they think in any way shape, or form, it will make them look better than you, get them what they want, or in other words, RIGHT/WIN.
I was like that hard-core in active addiction.
THIS is a red flag in general, that something isn’t right about someone.
If someone in your life is always playing the devil’s advocate or victim when you’re the one who needs emotional support and seems only to be really happy when you are sad…
THIS is also a red flag too, and you should spend your time on someone that lifts you up and cares to listen instead of these kinds of people.
It is a verified fact that it will eventually be detrimental to your emotional health to continue to engage with these kinds of people.
There have been studies.
I have also lived my entire life dealing with and involving myself with these kinds of people and it has hurt me in so many ways I couldn’t list them all.
It is SO much wiser to create healthy boundaries for yourself and to care about yourself so you don’t become the same way, because you will.
Narcissistic people will appease you and be nice to you as long as they are getting something from you that they want.
Whatever that may be, sometimes it’s hard to tell.
In truth, they secretly harbor resentment for strengths they don’t have, that YOU do because they are not capable or willing to change their own character flaws and realize that other people’s strengths are not threats to them, but learning opportunities.
Narcissistic people don’t really care to that level about anything, but they can pretend to really well.
They will never respect you because to them, you are just another person to feed their own emotional vices.
They do not digest what you are saying and only think about what they will say next.
If you ever speak up because this person has violated your personal limits, then you can bet that it IS the beginning of the end anyways if the person is a narcissist.
Active Addicts often act the very same way.
9/10 times you then will become a target for a patchwork of lies and/or mistruths and misfortunes generated by the person you just stood up to, because you become a threat that they can’t manipulate any longer.
Sometimes they will even tell you that you are doing things you aren’t even doing and try to get you to believe it when you know it’s not true.
They wear you down, and keep repeating it over and over.
It’s called Gas Lighting.
I think I have done that at some point in my life before;
Am I like that now? No.
So am I really narcissistic?
I don’t think so?
I think I realized that I was actually being that way at one point, and then I realized that that was a choice I was making because I wasn’t doing the right things for my life, and that was the fact.
That’s when I started waking up.
I can tell you in general, that it is best to walk away from any person who treats you like you are hurting them when you are being forthright and they don’t want to hear reality.
If it’s never them, then you’re probably dealing with a narcissist or someone that doesn’t want to accept reality, and it’s a waste of your time.
Active addiction for me, always mimicks huge narcissistic spikes in me to some level.
This is why I think addiction is such a selfish disease.
I know that I don’t want to hurt anyone OR be like that, ever again.
Real relationships are give and take and I also think that all who have ever struggled with addiction have had problems that involve narcissistic problems too.
For me personally, I’d say it is part of my disease.
This is why addiction destroys.
This is why I am mindful of my choices today.
That whole last whatever paragraphs were like squirrel thoughts, BTW. This whole entry is.
Today, I am as confident in myself to the fullest I can be, regarding the day.
It changes every day.
The difference between a real narcissist and a person that’s just confident is the ability to admit character flaws and mistakes, and then to actually take responsibility and do the work to fix the defects/mistakes.
I’m doing that because I don’t want to be a narcissistic person who doesn’t care about anything or anyone.
Confident people don’t go out of their way to manipulate other people for gain.
They don’t lie. They admit their faults.
I try to mindful to be a good human and to actively take responsibility for my own life every day. I’m not perfect, but I do genuinely think of others and show it.
It feels like I talk myself into that fact, even though it’s actually true.
I feel like I’ve let other narcissistic people throughout my life, beat the confidence out of me until I believed it wasn’t worth having any.
Then I woke up and took responsibility for my own life, and saw my role in all of it.
I have a lot of work to do to still, to heal my life, and to become the best version of myself.
I know who I am inside and I am grateful that I realize that I can change every, single day for the better.
I can learn and grow from other people.
It is worth it to keep changing for the better even though it is hard and sometimes really slow-going.
It’s about change. It’s about life. It’s about finding your way and being mindful. You don’t have to be so self-absorbed.
My focus is literally ridiculous
but I totally understand what I am writing. Lol.
I’m SO a work in progress, and I’m SO 0.k. with it.
Love yourself, and Thanks for reading my mostly ADHD thoughts.
I never know what I’m going to say either, most times, it just comes out. 🙂
I need a recorder to record my thoughts and write it down in one spot for me. Something I can copy and paste into a pdf file. I lose a lot of great ideas due to not having the time to write it down.
There’s got to be an app for that. I probably have it and don’t know it.
I appreciate my family.
There really aren’t any words.
I am square for another week, and I swear to God for a brief second yesterday I seriously was at a loss of how I wound up on the receiving end of this Pandemic. Then I remembered that there are people that have literally nothing right now, so why am I bitching? That’s when I came back down to reality and started getting things done again. That’s how it works for me, most times.
I’ve come this far.
Without my family this week I’d be living in my car.
I could have done it but it would have been ridiculous and stressful to the point that I wouldn’t have been able to go to my son’s graduation party, because it would have been too hot to leave my animals in the car.
I wouldn’t have gone and I would have regretted every single moment I wasn’t there.
I don’t think my family really knows that. Or how grateful I am to be loved.
Thank you family. I love you. ❣
I have to say thank you to the universe for the month of July too because, Birthday.
Yes. I’ve come this far and I’m going to keep working, but even HARDER now.
Unemployment could be ridiculous this week, I do not know. I’m going with the fact that the Govt. knows they messed up; because they sent me an email saying so; and so if I fill out the paperwork the way they want, in theory it should go through because I already have an approved PUA claim.
Who really knows. That’s the fun of it, right? Geez.
What I do know is that I can’t depend on unemployment, and I no longer want to be on it because it’s just a way to stop me from stepping up.
I’m going to a temp. agency tomorrow to inquire about jobs that will actually hire me, so I can WORK.
Obviously the Pandemic is something the Govt. doesn’t much care about anymore,
Someone somewhere must need a smart, hard-worker, that’s not afraid to get her hands dirty.
It’s about affording life and I know I can eventually give back to the community if I can get through this part of my life.
And I’m going to in all regards.
I’m living life on the daily and I’m proud of myself for my determination to keep going, because the shit-show factor in my life has been trying at times, to say the least.
I have cried. Numerous times. Occasionally out of fear, but mostly frustration in general.
I do know that everything is temporary; and there are no timeline rules on life-plans.
I’m getting better with the patience thing regarding these two facts.
It’s crazy what therapy will do for you when you find the right kind of therapy. Also when you have people that love you, even though you don’t always love your life and the way you beat yourself up for nothing when you know you’re putting in the effort.
That is why it is important to listen to the people who love you.
We all go through things in life that make us stronger and make us consider what we really want out of life.
If anything I can say that this part of my life has been life-changing. I can feel the positive changes overcoming my short-comings more every day.
It doesn’t feel like a manic episode. It feels like a daily realization that I am in control of my life and I need to focus on my strengths and use them.
It’s raining today and I’m working on checking out temp. agencies and my book outline.
I hope you are safe and well where you are, and that your day will be great.
I’m hoping my Birthday will mean I can stay here another week until my unemployment comes again.
*It’s coming up.
I had to ask for money so I asked if it could be Birthday money, and if I could get it now.
It sucks. You have NO idea. OR maybe you do.
I know certainly I’m not the only one going through some hard stuff.
Housing is working with me now, but I’m on waiting lists as of today.
It would be easier, because I’d be in a shelter next if I couldn’t figure out this week, but I have my maltese and my cat, and there’s no one who can take them.
I’m NOT giving up my animal kids. They have kept me alive, mindful and going in the right direction through a good part of my life.
They are also registered ESA animals. Why did I pay to register them then, is just another reason.
No. They stay with me.
People shelters here don’t take animals. So really I’ve busted my ass this week to figure out housing. Talked to numerous people about it. Housing money hasn’t come yet for housing issues like mine. hotel vouchers. There are none available. So. Birthday money hopefully, coupled with the money I made today cleaning my friends home= hopefully another week here until unemployment comes again and I can get through my son’s graduation party on Saturday.
Btw, I have an appointment all the way in Lawrence on the 17th (also on Saturday) for another housing unit that accepts pets too. There’s a waiting list there too, but hopefully it’ll be shorter. I don’t know.
I only know that all job interviews have amounted to nothing. Covid everything. I have to hold on until an apartment comes up. Could be next week or three months from now.
I’m sober. I’m doing the right things. I’m paying my bills.
This is just a temporary setback. This is just covid-19, and a situation that I had to leave, and it led me to new situations I didn’t much expect, but am dealing with.
This particular week the hurdle was Unemployment; which is why I’m floundering at the moment and asking for Birthday money on voicemail.
They put three new questions on the certification for unemployment. We’ve all read it, I’m sure. Then, they emailed people with PUA claims two days later (after I filled it out), saying to disregard a certain part because they messed up.
That’s fine, but I only got one week of unemployment because in answering honestly it got flagged.
So then you have to appeal it, and who’s looking at those in a timely fashion?
SO FRUSTRATING. I’D STILLL BE WORKING ‘Rona!!!
So one week of money and I have bills for two.
Adulted all of them except part of my car payment.
So basically I’m being vetted for housing and on a waiting list. Hoping that I can stick it out here this week until unemployment comes again and I can manage to find some sort of job to pay for this place until I get something more affordable.
It’s killing my stress level on the daily.
This is a messed up situation and I’m just grateful that I’m sober also that again I asked for help when I didn’t want to, because I know that if I don’t I will have to live in my car and my storage unit with two animals.
That’s a situation I’m going to avoid if I can help it. I work hard, I do in everything I do. So this situation too. Next step is a temp. agency and a hope that I don’t get covid-19 working a “too many people around me” job; because then I would have no option but to live in my car.
I’m fucking over it, I won’t lie.
The silver lining is that I’m sober. I have a storage unit. I have a car. I’m 100% legal. I’m going to take this housing *thing as it comes, and I’m going to get through it.
If I can get through the death of my son and come back stronger for it; I can get through anything.
I’m not a helpless person or a loser because I asked for help.
It actually makes me stronger because I already know I’ve done the work.
I continue to do it.
Please Send me the good *vibes, friends.
I’m sending them right back to you.
Thanks for reading my rambling ramblings.
It’s how I work it out inside. 👍
Be well. 💗
*Edit. Don’t trust any editing program that you don’t pay for.*