Untitled Reality.

Noone is really excited about their life struggles, but it does build the character that is needed to help you grow into the better version of yourself. 

I’ve learned that staying true to my convictions is sometimes difficult, but it is the only way that I will not settle for the watered-down version of my potential that makes everybody else comfortable.

Every day is a day to heal and a day to grow.

I prefer it much better in these clear moments.

Because it feels like no matter what I’m moving forward in my healing and no one can take that away from me.

It is my story.

I won’t feel bad for it.

J. Rounds ©2020 ~Peaces of ME

Moving forward for me, literally means Moving. The Rundown.

I told myself last night when I was pushing through my fear that if I still felt as bad as I did last night, today; then I would call the crisis hotline and go from there to move forward.

I’ve called before.

You have to make hard choices when your back is up against the wall, and you have to make temporary sacrifices sometimes, for the greater good of a temporary situation and the full picture.

It’s not just me that I’ve been worrying about. It’s Lola my cat and Regina George, my maltese as well.

Because of my past struggles and choices, I no longer get the privilege of having my children to wake up to.

I still do have my “animal kids” though, every day.

The thought of not being able to keep them with me until I got things figured out, was the number one reason why I did not go to the YMCA shelter.

My animal kids safety where also directly threatened numerous times by the person I left, but there are no shelters for most people with animals because of the insurance liability factor.

Same reason this new hotel only takes registered service animals.

I cannot take Regina and Lola with me. I cannot stay here because they won’t work with housing with the billing, and I’m 6+ grand in already for rent here, in just over 5 1/2 months.

That’s adulting with unemployment money, working, borrowing money from my family to be able to float my situation while I wait for my own money to come into my account, and being constantly broke to get it all done.

I have to wait another month until I can get into my actual apartment in the city between here and where I’m going now.

I’m on the last leg of the housing journey.

Apartment complex says Mid-November. 

I’m approved and assigned to the unit, but waiting for the legal turnover of the apartment to the complex which is tomorrow and then they have to make any repairs, possible carpet replacement if needed, and last parts of the formal paperwork and moving in process.

Housing is paying for a month in this new hotel I will be moving to, until my apartment is ready for us.

It’s 4:30 in the morning and I’m sitting here with my last night of animal kids, watching them sleep. I know that Lola will be ok until next month with my gf and her family, and that my Father and K will love Regina. Surely she will love them back. 🙂

I’m getting Regina registered as a service animal so hopefully I’ll get her back with me soon when I’m still at the hotel. Just maybe it’ll take less time for repairs and I can move sooner than later and have both of them back sooner than later.

.

Wouldn’t that be awesome?

Either way Gina is getting registered because without the both of them I would not be alive right now, and I’m not living without her because we are ALL a family unit. 

They give me a reason every day to keep going.

I’m getting help with the paperwork through the apartment complex to register her, by the way.

I’m tired. 

I was going to take a leave of absence from my current job, but it’s three cities over.  I know I will be getting a closer job to me for sure, that I can feasibly walk to. I think in the future I might try working where I work now, again (it was fun); but it’s way too far away right now to keep.

I need to work for obvious reasons so this end of the week I’ll be searching again for work.

Not ideal, but I have to.

Love my job, hate my current situation regarding it.

Blah.

I’ve spent over 2 grand on transportation trying to keep my part-time job because I couldn’t get financed. Uber and rentals where the only option for daily commuting that didn’t suck up half my day and night and not wreck my body, and it’s just not doable at all from Paw Paw.

I cannot believe that I have even made it this far.

My family, we are all growing together, it seems.

It feels good to be with family again. Without them helping me through and believing in me, I don’t know where I’d be.

I didn’t see any of the Michigan issues even coming because I was SO sure everything was going to work the way I thought it would.

Wrong. This is life, not a writing piece that I’m editing for post.

This last year can suck it though.

Only good thing is I have my children and family and GOOD real-life friends back in my life again.

Yep. Silver linings.

The emotional support my friends have also given me has been so greatly appreciated that I really just feel blessed and I can’t be thankful enough for it.

I won’t forget it.

I’ve felt so severely low at points during this process that it was hard to find the strength so many times.

I know I’m not the only one who has been in a position like this, and I remember that when I feel weak.

I AM STRONG.THIS I KNOW.

Life is a rollercoaster.

I’m trying to notch it down to the kiddy rollercoaster hills and Smooth. It. Out.

Tired of the hugely plunging, dramatic dips that have seemed to come at every bend of these last 49 years.

Scared and missing Ma and Gina already.

Packing, teletherapy at 10am, and a million things to do still before my mother comes and I have to say goodbye for a while to my beautiful babies.

I’m not looking forward to the “see you later”,

But I will definitely see them later.

We’ll be finishing strong on this part. It is in our blood.

This is our sacrifice for safety and better future.

Loving myself today.

Thanks for Reading.

J.Rounds ©2020 ~Peaces of ME

Uuuuugh

I feel guilty for being on the internet telling people about my life.

In reality I’m just trying to get to tomorrow, but first; the next moment.

I’m awkward every day in real ife and really a hot mess in most parts of my life, feels like always.

The last time my life worked was pretty much never.

I don’t want other people to feel like I do inside sometimes, or feel like they aren’t worthy of love.

It’s just depression for me and there’s real reasons behind it and I know I am worthy of love, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Don’t hate yourself because you will make yourself sick.

It’s ok.

It’s hard to hold standards to yourself that are almost always unreachable because they are not realistic.

I’m never going to be anybody but me and most times I feel like it’s not enough, EVER.

Don’t be upset.

You’re lying to yourself because you listened to the lies they told you.

Work harder. 

Stop whining.

Stop making excuses.

Just keep moving.

Don’t think about it.

Don’t fail your kids.

I just feel defeated.

I am right now.

I’m also glad that I made myself the promise years ago that I would never ever take myself out of the game.

It doesn’t stop the thoughts from floating by sometimes though; “This too, shall pass”.

Facing seriously heavy stress and it’s not fun, it’s really fucking scary and I feel re-victimized by the system and I have felt that way since April 31st because I am being re-victimized.

It is a hurt that I cannot put into words.

Peaces of ME

When I started figuring out my personal boundaries I was 3 yrs old.

I found a lot of the people I liked or loved, liked me most when I had no personal boundaries.

Fast forward up to now.

It’s not really fulfilling to me to feel that desperate feeling inside anymore about what other people may or may not think about me and my life.

Have a conversation with me and you can tell that I’m a good human, besides that’s an empty way of life and I’m not like that anymore.

I don’t think people understand that.

I’m used to people judging me and I don’t think people understand that either.

I’ve been writing on this blog for five years and I am considering life and this blog and myself as well. 

When I decided that I deserved to be happy and to feel safe in my OWN skin; I started to live with principle for myself for the first time in my life without feeling bad for it.  

I’ve personally failed SO many times.

I still fail.

I win every day too because I know that I don’t have to be perfect, and I find away to be ok with that and keep going.

I have to make smart choices for myself and for my life and for my kids.

I also realized that a lot of people don’t like honesty and truth because it requires actually feeling feelings, and probably 13.5 percent of the time that’s true for me too, if you want to get technical.

There are things I don’t want to see or hear or do. There are things and people I avoid because I am smart and because it I understand that it will make me mentally sick.

*Edit. Then I can’t be productive.

Hello, my name is human.

Why do you think I prefer to be alone?

It’s safer.

My animals don’t judge me for my political views or try to kill me or lie openly to me to get stuff from me when they know I also struggle.

I’m so broke right now that I think the sun isn’t coming out, but I am sitting in it so I’m grateful and warm.

Waiting for my own money basically.

Housing is helping me now and I’m grateful for that too because I’d be homeless and that’s no joke.

Confirmed.

Working and being patient.

It’s a good day.

Have a good day friends.

J. Rounds  ©2020 ~Peaces of ME

Hard time this time around this year.

Yep. The time around this time always forces me to push past the anxiety. (2 kids birthdays, 1 kids death day anniversary…Rip Karter law, 2008) My daughters birthday celebration is today. Glad I am here for it. Anxiety is still present. Focusing on the good things. . Xo

To Love Me.

I have been writing and not posting it or sharing it online.

I feel my writing is the part that matters most at this point in my life.

It’s not about being validated, it’s about healing myself without putting unneeded pressure on myself when it’s my shit to get through.

Generally I would just blurb everything out.

I’m more productive when I am more to myself.

Fact.

Enjoy your days.

J.Rounds ©2020 ~Peaces of ME

Lola 2020

I thought about writing about the fact that this hotel is literally like a money pit to my life, and I cannot take it anymore; but we already know this.

Also the fact that I hate myself for being emotionally disabled and not having more money; every day.

We know this too.

There is no point in it. I wouldn’t be in the position had I made better choices, and had I not trusted people who were not worth trusting.

I’m still alive and working towards my goals. My bills are paid and I’m juggling finances to keep saving for a car. It’s not fun, it’s not fun at all.

Especially when people are telling you that your job isn’t good enough to get financed.

I’m SO tired of stupid-ass men telling me I’m not good enough.

No, that’s not true, but you won’t be getting my money, know that.

Every time I write about what I am feeling, I get a chin up or it’s not that bad.

So today I’ll just say that I’m going to get through this day without worrying about what anybody else thinks.

Working. Even when I’m not, I am.

Have a great day.

Today I feel like giving up.

I won’t lie.

My feet are literally wrecked. They are messed up. Physical pain.

I miss my children.

I miss Karter.

It’s my problem, and I’m sure others have it worse.

I know that this life is temporary.

I know that I have to be strong even though I feel weak inside.

I believe that if I keep working, I will get to where I need to be.

AGAIN I’m being ignored by housing.

I don’t know why. It’s really, really frustrating.

I’m STILL waiting on my background check for a second job.

I still have no vehicle.

I can’t get a vehicle until I get the second job.

It’s so frustrating, but I’m not willing to get myself in another messed up position with an inadequate car-loan, just to have a car.

I have to be smart about it.

I’m sad for people that are struggling worse than me, that I can’t help, because they will not help themselves.

I just wish I could sleep all day today.

I would really love some clarity this week on a lot of things.

I know I won’t get it.

Looking forward to therapy this week.

Feeling less than I should today, but glad I know that not every day has to be perfect.

J. Rounds ©2020 ~Peaces of ME