A Place to Breathe

2 years and 8 months of believing that I deserve to live and not die.

Yes, it IS like that.

I want to remember this journey. The good and the bad of it…the lessons.

Change requires turning some attention to yourself instead of looking outward at everything and everyone else to fix it for you.

This I do know.

You have to be mindful of your life and choices, to actually change. You have to own your choices in this life.

At one point is does become a choice.

Even though it’s uncomfortable at times. Even though you aren’t perfect and have to admit it openly.

You can’t change the uncomfortable parts in life.

There’s a challenge but also a peace and calm and understanding in knowing and realizing that. With that understanding comes a sense of strength and some peace too.

Peaces strung together.

Just because it feels like you can’t get through something, doesn’t mean you can’t get through it.

I believe now that working through personal challenges without things that make my life unmanageable is the healthiest way to have a healthy life.

I cannot drink.

I equate a healthy life to helping myself so that I can help others in this life.

I’m guess I’m glad I’m done making excuses, and more to doing the work today to change towards better ways.

Feels good to be in recovery a little more every day.

No one can take the work you put into yourself, from you. It can ONLY make you stronger in character and happier in yourself.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Limits.

I’m tired of being put in positions for other people’s gains and I won’t be anymore.

At all.

I could be in a completely different place had I known the truth of the matter.

My life is not waiting for others to get their shit together and change.

It’s not my job to make other people comfortable at the literal expense of myself because they feel entitled, either.

My life is changing on the daily and I’m at my limit of what I can give out. Literally.

I have things I have to focus on to make my life work, and to not lose the things that I have worked for. Why should I have to?

I won’t go backward for anyone, especially when it’s not even appreciated and the whole thing was a ruse in the first place, just to not have to fall alone, or try. Thanks.

You don’t even know how hurtful it is and you don’t even care.

It’s always great until I’ve got nothing else to give. Right? It’s hard to keep doing for others when there’s nothing but people implying that you aren’t doing enough, and they aren’t doing anything at all themselves.

Why don’t YOU do something for a change?

I have kids that I can’t even afford to see, and I live 45 minutes away from them.

I have 33¢ in my bank account. My credit card is maxed out, even after a credit increase. For giving when I didn’t have it to give.

That’s fucking sad and not right, considering what’s actually going on. Considering you knew all along your position.

I’m making some hard choices and it’s not going to be fun.

But at the end of the day no one’s doing anything for me, but ME. It’s very obvious as well. Very.

I want to move forward and not back, and that is exactly what I’m going to do.

Your life is on you. I can’t save you. You have to save yourself.

It’s not fair to me, to make me feel guilty for that either.

I’m 2 years, 7 months, and 25 days sober. I don’t even smoke anymore, and haven’t for over two months. You’d never, ever know it if you went just based off the way I’ve been feeling inside over all of this.

I bet you didn’t even consider my feelings.

That is what hurts most of all.

Loving myself, because I deserve to.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

I just say that this is the part where I have to let the cards fall where they may, and see what’s left at the end of it all.

If that’s nothing, then that’s no less than what I have now.

I hope tomorrow I’ll feel like doing something.

Sober and smoke-free just doesn’t seem to be enough these days.

I am not Relation Material.

Lately, it has been hard for me. I want to change things about myself that keep me scared about men, relationships and things I probably shouldn’t even be focusing on right now. I think it’s smart to admit that I am leary of trusting and fear putting faith and time into another relationship, in general.

In fact, whenever I think about being committed to someone else, I feel my self-worth and independence immediately start to protest, like it is headed out the front door and won’t be coming back again.

I never have been involved in a successful relationship.

It always starts out great, then as time goes on it turns into something I don’t even recognize anymore. The most severe forms of disfunction usually come out. I turn into a helpless shell of a person every time.

I can’t do that again.

I know damage and baggage from past relations isn’t fair to project onto any potential new one but at the same time, I cannot seem to get past these fears.

It is not as simple as pushing through it anyway, because I don’t feel I have the confidence to be able to be a good partner or lover even. My heart and head get confused and I don’t even want to deal with it.

I wish I could change these fears. Often I feel like I do not have anything else to offer anyone but friendship and hugs. It’s the safest route.

I’m too damaged to ruin anyone else or bring anyone else down due to my personal fears and demons.

So, I stay single. Because in theory, nothing can hurt me then. No man can hurt me then.

Right.

I need therapy for this particular problem.

I should feel upset by that.

Mostly I just feel annoyed that there is always the eventual pressures of “more” when I don’t want to give it, because I don’t know how to give it.

I push people I care about away because of it.

Every time.

J. Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Positive Affirmations Remind Me.

I’m grateful to be sober and cigarette-free.

I’m grateful to not be on synthetic medication to regulate my moods.

I’m grateful to be able to feel fully.

I’m grateful for my children.

I’m grateful for my family even though it can be hard sometimes.

I’m grateful for my health and to be working towards becoming more healthy, daily.

I’m grateful that I’m ok marching to the beat of my own drummer.

I’m grateful that I am open to learn every day.

I’m grateful I don’t compromise my values anymore to please people so they will love me.

I’m grateful to know that the people that really love me never would need me to compromise myself, and would never ask me to.

No matter what happens, I AM grateful.

Good or bad days they are mine, and I know that I am lucky for it because a lot didn’t end up surviving what I have.

I’m grateful that I can see the light now.

I’m grateful to be grateful.

I’m grateful to have actually sold a piece of my art to someone who will appreciate it.

Loving myself tonight in the wake of adversity.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

It just keeps getting better. That’s a lie.

There are no words for today.

At the end I am sober and a non-smoker, but aren’t I supposed to be that way anyways? Whatever.

Got some bad news today. In the end it doesn’t matter to anyone but me because it affects my life, no one else.

It sets me back yet again financially and truthfully I’m beyond caring much about anything at this point.

The fact I raise my head at all is a miracle. No matter what I do or how hard I apply myself, it is not good enough.

You are told that you will most likely fail. If not by actions, actual words. It does something to you coming from a Government employee especially. Thanks for the statistic and the vote of confidence today.

Condecending talk from people that have no business speaking the way they speak to you, as if they are so far removed from any real struggle there’s no way you could actually be deemed worthy of anything else but to feel sorry for.

Like my life means nothing.

Seriously, f**k you.

I just wonder how much of myself I would have to give away to be worthy to the world.

It is WAY more than I am personally willing to give because in the end I have to live with myself, and all of my unfortunate characteristics.

Pff. That was full-on sarcasm.

Judge me all you want to and then kiss my ass.

Thanks.

J. Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

I Hate Residual Funk.

Residual funk lingering from yesterday. It’s passing, but I still hate the feeling.

I hate it even more when people tell me not to let the things that bother me, bother me.

It is extremely annoying when people try to invalidate your feelings when you are worried about things that are valid to you.

I think most people don’t know how to react to me when I’m annoyed, because they know I won’t hide it, and will say how I feel.

I think it frightens people sometimes, and others think It is just annoying.

I was not put on this earth to make other people feel comfortable at my own expense.

This is why I am grateful for people that actually understand how I am as a person, and don’t just follow me around the internet looking for whatever they can to judge me on.

I also don’t understand how people can be so blatantly passive on real issues in the world, like ignoring it will somehow fix all the problems. Then they tell me to not let it bother me.

It bothers me because I’m tired of people looking the other way, and you telling me to not let it bother me.

I mean, really.

Everyone expects me to be happy all the time. When I’m not, it is literally a ghost town in terms of emotional support in an online setting.

I’m glad I’m not like that, and I care when others feel down. I’m glad I have true friends and family that love me at all times, not just when I’m happy.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of me.

Karter Law.

Remembering my super hero who passed on this day at 12:11 pm, 2008, at 3 1/2 years old.

I miss you every day. I know you are better now. We are all blessed to know angels that live among us.
You were mine, and always will be.

Rest in peace Karter Law Rounds. I love you.❤❤❤