Out today in ‘Rona

Today was better than last in that I decided to become stronger in this crisis, rather than weaker from it.

**When you are out of deodorant and other essential toiletries, and you venture out into “‘Rona land.” (Susi lol!!). ***

I hit my place of employment, and felt happy to see my boss and friends; also that they are ok.

Social distancing is essential for sure.

Also paying mind to your own anxiety, and lipsyncing in your car in the parking lot, without caring who sees.

Btw, I do follow a sanitary process for going out and shopping. Message me if you are interested in it.

Song is : Don’t Go Breaking My Heart ~by Backstreet Boys

Hope you all are good. 💯❤❤❤ I’m doing, and grateful for it.

GRATEFUL FOR YOU. XO

#hangtough

#coronavirus2020

#danceparty

#musichealslikelaughter

#alonetogether

#gettingthroughitonthedaily

#youareloved

#staysafe

#staymindful

#staypositive

#stayconfident

#staystrong

#stayinunlessessential

J.Rounds ©2020 ~Peaces of ME

Monday update. More free writing.

It was definitely a long night last night, and a rough morning as well for me.

Mostly today I’ve been talking myself out my nonsense, regarding my guilt about my weaknesses, and the fact that my body is betraying me with waves of major menopause symptoms.

I have to be so totally honest when I say there couldn’t be a worse time for it.

I’ve had a pituitary tumor for 10 years now, but was only pre-menopausal.

The real menopause is definitely happening now, and there’s not one fun thing about it. I do wonder if my stress level is making it worse, but with the Covid-19 going on, there’s no way that going down for me until it’s over.

Anyways, I talked to my bestie and some other good friends who helped me feel better about it all. I also managed to get my unemployment filed, got an intriguing email about a potential writing project to help with, and the very highlight is that I had a quick chat with my eldest son.

Other than that I’m hot flashing left and right, but still healthy(ish) and sober and I didn’t lose the entire day to negative thoughts.

There’s a silver lining in everything if you look for it.

I hope you all are well and safe tonight. I appreciate every single person still going to work and getting us all through.

Have a good night.

J.Rounds ©2020 ~Peaces of ME

Free Writing. How Menopause Makes Me Feel.

Old. Embarrassed. Emotional.

Do I struggle with myself forever or does it eventually get better.

Is there ever a time in life that life makes sense and will I ever stop bitching about it.

Will I ever feel worth this life.

Will I ever feel like I don’t want to cry on the daily.

Really truly just want to implode into myself and fast forward through all of his mid-life coronavirus, menopause shit that makes me feel like I never want to talk again and basically am just taking up space.

There’s the thoughts after the hot flash.

Update.

I called the doctor and got some answers.

I admitted that I had anxiety over all of the Corona crap and also that I was worried in general because I was coughing. and she told me it was normal to be anxious about all of it. Also that I wasn’t the only one confused and anxious about it.

I learned today that there are few people to support me when I’m anxious or have ptsd symptoms, but I am grateful for that nurse, and my best friend Shar, tonight.

Shar is the only one who takes the time to actually listen and validate me without judgement, and talk to me with ways to feel better. For me, it is a gift in my life, and for that I will be forever grateful.

I’m going in for routine bloodwork tomorrow.

I’m sober and I’m grateful to not be afraid to speak my truth.

Even if it means admitting fear and the fact that I’m not perfect.

I know I don’t have to be. The effort in growing is the actual point of it all.

Have a good night.

J.Rounds. ©2020 ~Peaces of me

Responsibilities vs Coronavirus.

They say my delivery is TOO intense most times,

and I’m like,

“This is SO not intense for me, get over yourself.” Enough said.

I’m not even angry, but I am frustrated.

It’s pretty hard to not be concerned, for me personally, when I feel like I’m in a high-risk environment for Coronavirus and truthfully haven’t been feeling 100%, for a bit.

So if I have to be around sick people today, and I get sick ish/er, then I’ll be upset.

I’m already feeling more coughy than usual and also more coldish’. Should I be honest about it, or should I suck it up and listen to everyone else?

People don’t understand my concerns and truly I don’t care because also people judge you just because you are you, and don’t listen anyways so who’s problem is it really?

I tend to care about more things than most, that’s just my makeup, but also too when I’m in an environment that is a prime ground for spreading viruses, and there are really no clear, mandated facts from my Government other than” we do not know everything (we won’t tell you anyways), BUT wash your hands and sanitize everything more than usual, work from home, don’t come back from break, no sports events, no meetings, no anything with lots of people, we are shutting down everything, stay home even though you have responsibilities to meet if you think you should, but if you don’t feel good or think you could be sick, (definitely having more sick symptoms); then definitely stay home.

There is nothing set in place to help your bills get paid, though.

Reality says I have a shift today to work.

I’ll have to work it; because there is no one else to.

Anxiety is the thing I don’t like to have. That’s why I like facts so much, and spreading them.

This is why I am frustrated in general right now. The lack of DOability.

There are no test kits for Coronavirus that I know of as of last week in this medical office that treats and diagnoses sick patients every day. I know because I asked. No one was concerned too much, honestly.

I don’t know about now.

I had a routine visit and also have to go back to get routine bloodwork before my next appointment at the end of the month; which I don’t know if I should even get done because I feel like I have been taking daytime cold medicine to mask symptoms for about a month now, and so what do I even do?

“I’m healthy.” everyone says, “so don’t worry.”

“You should be more worried about the flu” and “you’re not old, so don’t worry.”

Ok.

YOU don’t worry. I’m thinking logically all day because I’m considering other people besides myself, and I also want to adult properly, and do not want to get the virus OR spread it.

The problem with society is that too many people go by it like it’s the thing to do, without thinking for themselves. Ask me how I know.

It is 9:30 am and im to go in in about 8 hours. I am struggling on whether or not to go to work, because everyone else seems to be sick and calling in, and I’m the one that has to sell you your medicine, beer, cigarettes, disinfectants, sanitizers wipes and toilet paper, and feasibly I could be sick because I am feeling worse than usual.

I have children I’d like to see but won’t because it could potentially compromise their household’s health.

No one else I work with is worried about it. People have been working sick because they have to around people that are sick and coming into the store.

I’m concerned about it, because I don’t know the level of sick I should get to, before I say F it, and stay home.

“Don’t worry.”

“You are just being a cry baby.”

*Coughs*

J.Rounds ©2020 ~Peaces of ME

Visit today. I’m happy.

I’ve waited for a long time to be able to hang out with my kids again and have messed up and missed a lot of their lives because I was sick and in stages of grief and made really bad choices.

I take full responsibility for that.

I’m grateful for people who cared enough about me, to tell me that I needed to get real with myself or I would never be well.

Never be happy.

Never know my kids.

Well equals a lot of things and is different to every individual. 

For me it became more about being a positive role model to myself, so that I could be a positive in my kid’s lives and worthy of getting to know them again.

My children mean more than anything to me and I hope in the future that I can be there for them more, in any capacity they need me to be.

That’s really the best thing I can do for not being there before.

I’m excited to see my son today and that he wants to see me too.

Also that I’m managing my life today in an adult fashion. 

☺❤

J.Rounds ©2020 ~Peaces of ME