I’m In the Driver’s Seat of My Life. How’s Your Driving?

Two years and twenty-three days on the sober front for me today.

It’s hard to miss being a drunk, so I don’t.

I did a road trip to Michigan last weekend.

I have decided to move back to Michigan at the end of July and went to Michigan this past weekend to talk it over with my mom and sisters. Of course, I also spent time with my children and niece and discussed it with them as well (kid-friendly version 🙂 ) It was my middle sister’s Birthday too.

Great trip.

Here’s where I’m at in my head……

The regretful thoughts on all the time I missed out on with them are there every time I see my family and children, not gonna’ lie. I also know to build anything of real value in the future between any of them, I must let that go and focus on the present.

It was more than fulfilling to have conversations with both my sisters and mother about letting those thoughts go, and it makes it easier to know that I am loved, even though I’ve done some of the most disgusting things in my life, and allowed myself to fall more times than I care to admit.

That didn’t work out so well.

We all fall, it’s how we get back up when we feel like we can’t that makes all the difference.

Surely.

It is clear to me after this trip, that moving back is the right choice and the best option for my future. Now everyone that needs to know does, including where I work and my children.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared because I am for quite a few reasons, but I know that I could never be there for my kids or family in the capacity that I want to be if I’m over four hours away and it is hard for me to physically be there in the first place.

Now comes the details part, which is daunting, to say the least, but doable if I apply myself and just use my brain.

I’m sure I’ll have to do some sacrificing on something, so I’m breaking it down into a more manageable and realistic plan than I had originally envisioned it.

Modify.

Make it work.

I’m definitely not afraid to try to build some sort of solid future for myself, and let’s face it; I’ve moved so many times I’ve lost count.

Really, if I had to boil it down…

I know that it is my fear of failing that is making me scared.

I am a perfectionist. I was around people growing up that had to have it a certain way. It is something that I struggle with and it does hold me back. STILL…

I am a perfectionist.

So for all intents and purposes, much of my sober life now has been about letting go of some of that perfectionism.

I’m older now, and definitely wiser by way of hard lessons and truths learned the hard way.

I realized that you can’t stop time. You can try, but you will fail.

Time heals. Time changes everything.

Time does not stop for anything or anyone.

It is best to realize that straight away and deal with life head-on.

Live.

The fear that used to keep me now is the very thing I use to drive me forward.

If I fail, at least I can say I tried. Better than not trying at all.

What better thing to fight for than a healthy relationship with my kids and family?

Image courtesy of:

@gilamby_trending #gilambytrending

I think it’ll make me a lot better too. Feel better. Do better. Be better.

It’s surely a win in all regards.

It’s a money thing now; also organizing that BS with my “no time to travel to Michigan to look for places to live” issue.

Modify.

Make it work.

This is the plan.

I will miss Ohio because of the friends I’ve made and the bonds I’ve formed with the animals at work.

I can’t stop time.

Anything I can do in Ohio, I can do in Michigan.

Two years and twenty-three days ago, I wouldn’t have been able to say that I could truthfully be a positive role model in my children lives.

Now I can.

It is not the same relationship anymore and I think that’s ok. It does and has the potential to be better than the one I had before, and that means it’s moving forward.

That means everything.

I’m so excited to have my family back in my life. I was so angry for so long, but mostly the person I was angry with was myself.

I never in my life, gave myself the credit for the good things in me; only the bad.

Today I’m loving the fact that the world seems “doable” for me. Even if I have to take it in peaces and parts and string it together.

Becoming sober again, actually feeling my feelings rather than suppressing them, and re-wiring some of my negative thought processes to healthier ones, has given me the realization that

I’m the one in the driver’s seat of my life; no one else.

I’m a good driver now because I’m mindful and truthful about my struggles.

My life means something to me now. That is the greatest gift of it.

Where will I go from here?

Where will YOU go?

Please stay strong in your heart. It’s ok to ask for help when you need it. Most of all, remaining positive and mindful when you are not is key.

Love yourself.

Things will change for the better.

You can believe it because I am living proof.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

2 years.

I’m sliding into a depression and I can feel myself trying not to.

One of the hardest things for me about being bipolar is that I can’t figure out why, out of the blue, my moods will change. I can’t figure out why sometimes I feel depressed when there is nothing happening that is that pressing to really cause it.

It feels like I’m whining, even when it’s true feelings inside me.

I hate it. I hate that I feel all over the place on some days….STILL. It keeps me from wanting to be around people. It holds me back from talking more to my kids as well.

It is hard to embrace anything that challenges me in a negative way, but especially something that I know that I can never change about myself.

Can’t I just feel happy?!

I know everybody has shit they go through and things they have to deal with.

I can just as easily choose to be happy.

Today I put on a brave face because I am actually two years sober today, and I have met a huge personal goal.

I mostly feel ashamed that I am feeling depressed, because I know I should be feeling happier.

I remember what it was like being a drunk. I know how hard I’ve worked for this sobriety and healing.

But for all realistic purposes, I am a work in progress that just wanted to go back to sleep this morning.

I’m forcing myself to go outside and to do whatever I have to do to distract myself away from my own negative thoughts.

I’m still happy that I am not on synthetic meds. I’m still grateful for my life even though sometimes I feel like I just waste it on this brain of mine.

Loving myself and telling myself I’m worth it anyways.

Worth it to myself anyway.

Focusing on being mindful.

Focusing on my breath and remembering that this too shall pass…and that I’m a pretty ok girl nowadays, despite.

I also only pushed the Grammarly edit buttons while typing this, so I have no idea at all how this reads.

Ttyl. ❤

Thanks for reading.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Choices. Don’t screw it up Jenni.

Big things to decide this summer.

One is where I will live when my lease is up.

I do not know if I should stay in Ohio or go back to Michigan.

It will be a big task to move states again.

The only thing keeping me in Ohio is a $9/hr job, and the fact that I won’t have to start all over again…AGAIN.

I think of the potential opportunities it could bring regarding my relationships with my children, and then I go back and think again how they might not even want that……

me in their lives on a more regular, consistent basis.

The last thing I want is to make things hard for anyone or myself…but I can’t shake the feeling that it is indeed time to go home again.

Hashing it out with myself over the job sitch/ Thoughts about companies that don’t value their workers or pay them enough.

These are my thoughts out loud. Edited some.

I’ve been job searching for better opportunities because I need to make more income and I need a better steady paycheck coming in to get to my next goals. It’s been on-going for months now, and I’m highly frustrated.

Highly frustrated about it doesn’t touch it actually, as this is the number one thing for me on my shitlist of life right now, and has been for some time.

*My first point* I wanted to move up within my company and had hoped too. For almost a year-and-a-half, I tried hard to.

My ACTUAL reality is, that although management keeps telling me that it is possible, and they want me to become a shift-lead in the future; I can’t even get enough scheduled solid shifts (not on-call ones) to make the raise they gave me even relevant. The raise doesn’t matter, because my hours are not secure.

I’ve been at my current job for over a year-and-a-half now.

As soon as my raise took effect, my hours starting dropping. When talking repeatedly to management about it, I was basically told that I’d have to suck it up and deal with it, because training new employees and their schedules, took precedence over mine.

Really? Really.

Now let’s all guess how many of those new employees actually stayed around for more than a week, a month, two months.

Enough said.

Thanks for the loyalty work place…what I really mean is, thanks for the shaft.

*rolls eyes*

So, with that being told to me, the only thing I can hope for each week to get a full paycheck, is to pick up a shift someone won’t show up for, or one someone asks me to take. This happens almost every week; it’s every time I plan something I need to get done, or on one of my only scheduled days off.

Another really.

My time there has amounted to nothing, and it means nothing to my employers either, and I’m really starting to see it openly and at full force lately.

I’ve been saying NO to some shifts ,when usually I’d say yes on the spot, because I’m tired of it and I’m tired of feeling like I should be ok with it, when I’m not at all.

Not only can I not get a full schedule actually scheduled; I also can’t get other things in my life done because of it. I’m always at work or on-call.

It’s not worth the wear and tear on my body, the gas money it takes to get there, the time it takes out of my day for the crappy pay with no financial security. The loyalty only goes one way, and it’s not towards me, as you can plainly read.

The only thing that makes my job worth it, are the animals and the friends I’ve made.

That’s not paying my bills.

I’m not a beggar anymore, so I choose be a chooser in my future…not a settler.

All of this talk to me from management about moving up to a shift-lead eventually.

I don’t want to.

I’m not willing to take extra stress and nonsense for a dollar raise. I have enough of that there without another position, and it will triple. I’m not willing to be overworked and underpaid more than I already am, be there more than I already am, for a company that doesn’t care enough about me to see me anything other than replaceable after the loyalty and time I’ve spent on them.

YES, my time matters too.

It is extremely physical work every day. It’s frustrating to me because I work so hard. Every shift. Never call in. I work sick. I work majorly hurt sometimes. I go above what is expected on a normal basis, as that’s how I am when I’m working for someone. The only things that are ever pointed out to me, are the things I’m not doing…but it never gets pointed out to anyone else and they don’t even try half as hard as me at all.

Tired of it so much, you have no idea.

I love my dog and cat kids more than I could ever put into words. I love most of my co-workers. What I really can’t deal with anymore is the money/to BS/work factor, the lack of set hours, and the favoritism that always seems to go towards the people that don’t apply themselves at all and don’t even show up to work a good part of the time. Why do they deserve a full-time schedule, but I don’t? It took me months to get over 30 hours a week when I started, and I now I have to watch new people coming in, and being rewarded with hours just for applying for the job. I’m still fighting for over 30 hours a week.

I am tired of the whole thing.

I’m also tired of being invalidated every time I come to management with a real problem I’m having with something or someone there.

It used to be fun every day; now it’s me realizing that I need something more for my life…because I will never get the financial security I need where I’m at.

SO…..

Onto the *second point.*

I started looking for other jobs.

When looking for better jobs, It’s so frustrating to me to see the sometimes three/four part lists of things that you will have to do and be responsible for, and then the amount of pay the employer wants to pay you that never equals the workload they expect from you at all.

Like you can just imagine the BS, fucked up drama, stress, and most likely, ego-laden shitty management, that goes on at some of these places.

Just reading some of the reviews.

Jesus.

I am SO. OVER. IT.

In America; overworked, underpaid and underappreciated has become the running norm for most of the working population.

Most CEO’s build their companies off of the backs of people they don’t give two shits about, because their bottom line is making as much money as possible with the least amount of effort. Employees are replaceable. Employers know that there will always be someone who will do the job, desperate enough for any scraps of money you choose to pay them, no matter how hard or shitty the job may be. Employers know also, that they will not be doing anything remotely close to the job they are hiring for…and probably wouldn’t at all. That is why they don’t care.

*EDIT* I am not saying all companies are like this at all. I’m saying MOST ARE.

This country runs on desperation AND stupid people.

Most companies bank on this.

It sickens me, truly. It sickens me that I am forced to partake in it right now, if I want to survive.

I can’t believe some of these companies even have the balls to list the stuff they expect you to do, with the crappy-ass pay right beside it, like it’s a normal or acceptable.

My cheeks hurt.

Please let me work for you, you’re SO much more important than me Mr. Big-wig.

Fuck off.

It’s no wonder to me at all why this country is so divided, so much crime and hatred and people are scratching and clawing at every dime they can get their hands on. Most people busting their asses every day, don’t get remotely close to the money they deserve for doing it. AT ALL.

Most people in this country today are struggling just to be lower-middle class and/or poor….and that JUST. NOT. RIGHT.

The Government has NO ISSUES hooking you into the financial aid system any way they can as well. Even when we all know that degrees don’t guarantee you a good job AT ALL, and never did. BTW, please pay us our money every month for the rest of your adult life for making you think that it would. If you don’t pay us, we’ll just fuck up your credit, take your taxes and/or garnish the shitty paycheck you make anyways…so just pay us.

Thanks so much for the education. I appreciate it.

*sarcasm*

Truly, If I could curl up into a ball and disappear, I would not fight it at all.

Hear me when I say that someday, I won’t be putting up with any of this bullshit from any employer because I’ll be working for myself.

Also hear me when I say that if I had a business of my own; although success would be the ultimate goal; I’d be sure to treat any people that were helping me get there with the respect they deserved, the appreciation they deserved, and I would not hire employees if I could not or did not want to pay them what they deserved, for the job they would be doing. Also, I would not hire people who didn’t want to apply themselves and actually work.

I think the most successful companies, have employees who feel like the work they do means something, they are adequately compensated so that they can focus on doing their jobs to the best of their ability, not how they are going to be paying their basics bills or having money for food that week.

I’m over being a drone in this Matrix.

I love working. I’m a hard worker. It is not the working that is the issue for me at all.

I will do everything in my power to get to the level of not having to answer to anyone but myself.

AND make money at it.

All these slaps in the face from the world are getting old, and the bruises aren’t healing anymore.

The only way for me to fight back, is to break free of the system and to believe that I am more than just an underpaid 30-38 hr. paycheck every week.

I know I am. I just have to keep working until I can feasibly work for myself.

This is what you might be struggling with as well. I know I’m not the only one who feels like this. I also know that the choices I made in my life have led me to this point. I still wish I would have been way smarter in some of those choices.

Although I AM grateful for the good things my job brings me; the stress it brings me financial-wise, leads me to believe that it is AGAIN time to make some bigger, better choices, and to keep staying sober and keep working until the universe has no choice but to work with me for a change.

I don’t think changing jobs for a couple of bucks more is going to do anything for me at this point, but put me in another position i don’t want to be in.

Companies are ALL the same, and the bottom line is money…not me.

I’m still sober though. I’m still upright and walking. I still have beautiful children with life in them. I still have hope. I still have the dream someday that maybe all this passion and confusion in me will amount to something someday.

I just hope it happens when I’m living, and not after I’m not.

And that’s ALL the truth, as I see it.

Thanks for reading.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Maybe.

I haven’t written out loud on this blog in a while. I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, just kind of keeping to myself.

Most of my healing lately has been audio recordings of thoughts and/or feelings to myself, or just writing on certain thoughts and then stopping when it doesn’t make sense to me anymore.

Things people won’t see or hear mainly, but they help me immensely inside to heal; there are really no wasted thoughts or words at all.

I have been going back to the drafts and pulling from them and/or finishing some pieces, whichever happens; but I haven’t had much to say out loud at all, and I like that I’m not putting the pressure of saying it if I don’t want to.

A personal project/goal that I’m trying to make come into fruition has much of my time and thoughts.

My focus is still the biggest issue for me, but I am starting to speed up on the re-focus, which means eventually I will get there if I keep going. Money. Need more money though.

It also means that my OCD is getting somewhat better too. I’m happy about that, but still tired of being so complicated with the OCD thing.

It slows me down in my everyday life if I let it and it’s gotten much worse for me over the last three years.

It’s very annoying and frustrating, to say the least, and it’s been extremely challenging for me.

I do not know how else to describe me other than I don’t think I’ll ever have a day when I won’t be a complicated person.

The timeline I had in my head for everything I wanted for my life came and went a million years ago, so I’m just going with the flow the best I can and grateful for it.

I’m fine with the process even though it’s draining to actually live fully sometimes.

I haven’t been depressed much at all so I do feel ok inside, and I can’t bitch about that.

Being off of social media has also been awesome, I won’t lie. I knew it would be which is why I went away from it again.

Today I hit the one year, eleven months sober mark, and it feels sort of a like a dream when I think of my life at day one of this current journey, and even more so when I think back upon the life I’ve led before that.

The thing that really sucks about it all is that I feel guilty about the fact that my past is fading in my mind.

I know all the stuff I did, (or what I can remember of it) and also the people that were affected by my bad choices.

It wasn’t a dream.

I have remorse for it and will for always.

But….I’ve chalked it up to my brain healing itself the only way it knows how to, and that is to compartmentalize the guilt I feel away into an area where it no longer blocks my ability for growth and future happiness.

This is today.

Today I’ve managed with the help of myself, my family, my true friends and positive people that support me, also the grace of my deceased son, to stay sober for twenty-three months.

Almost two years next month.

I thought I would be dead by twenty-five and so the very fact that I am still going at the age of forty-seven and also sober is really all the more reason to keep looking forward instead of back.

I am sure although I struggle with life at times, these struggles make me stronger and have, to the point where I will not give up until I reach a sense of peace and understanding in myself that will resonate in everything that I do.

Maybe being passionate about living life is better than being passionate about not living it.

Maybe all of the effort I’m putting into quality healing will keep bringing quality things to my life.

I’ve managed to accomplish some things I never thought I could or would. That is a fact for sure and I think in the future, patience really will play a key roll in all aspects of my life regarding meeting more of my goals.

Maybe I’m not such a bad person after all.

Maybe I DO deserve this happiness I’m feeling inside today.

Maybe you do too.

Maybe life is what we make of it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

I’m better than yesterday, but still not exactly up to par.

I don’t think being physically sick had anything good to add on top of my mood.

I am glad that even though I struggle sometimes, I am also able to realize that I am in completely different spot than I used to be.

For that I am grateful. Also for friends who are true and caring, and won’t let me waddle in my head.

Thank you.

I’m ashamed to write that I am massively depressed.

I wish it would stop.

It started before I went to New York. It got progressively worse afterwards.

I worry when I feel like this.

I’m sober and I know that this is a good thing.

But my mind makes me feel like a failure even though.

I’m tired of struggling with things I feel that I should not be struggling with.

I’m tired of the hopeless feeling that follows me around waiting to sabatoge every good thought.

There is no one to talk to about it.

I’m trying to stay strong for my kids.

Really I’m dying inside and I wish that I wasn’t so weak.

I had to write something because the shame of it all is eating me alive.

I’m hoping now that I’ve admitted it openly, it’ll start to go away.

It’s hard and scary to admit that I still have times when I’m not in control of my feelings.

I want to be proud of myself, but really I just feel alone.

Sobering Year.

Although I have been writing, I’ve not been blogging here for a bit because I’ve been too busy working and focusing on doing other things that I need to get done.

My holiday was quiet and simple. I made myself a small, festive dinner and talked with my family and friends.

I received a few unexpected gifts as well, and it was really nice to be remembered. All in all, it was a good Holiday for me, and I’m glad I didn’t get called into work and could just enjoy the time off.

I still have packages to send out because I am finishing up some of the things I’ve been making for gifts; but since everyone already knows they will be late; there was no pressure or anxiousness about Christmas this year, that I would usually have if I was behind. My animals were also happy that I stayed home the whole day for once. (Lol)

I’ve just been moving forward, and what a sobering year this has been.

It’s getting easier to not look back in life at the bad times, and when I do it’s usually just to acknowledge and/or think about a lesson I’ve learned from it. I don’t stay there very long anymore. I really do think that this has been key for me and my personal growth.

Today I am in today.

Today I am also one year, nine months, and one day sober.

Today is one day more than I can say that I actually lived.

I shared this on social media today, and I think it’s something to share here as well.

“You cannot wage war on yourself, and expect to win.

When you know you are on the right track, there is no going backward anymore, only forward.

I was my own worst enemy…

Now I am my own best friend.”

It is true, all of it; and I am grateful to be ok in my skin, and to be ok in general, in this world.

I couldn’t say that at the beginning of this year.

There are still stressors in my life, but instead of freaking out or going into a hole over them, I am instead choosing to face the challenges head-on. I’m thinking with my brain rationally and finding solutions to my problems, instead of letting the BS take root. Perhaps this is the greatest gift I received from this year.

I have been in way worse positions in my life, and I’ve surely never been this hopeful at all about the future.

It’s a really good thing to feel hopeful.

This year was a big one for me in many regards; and in 2019, my first major thing will be flying to New York to see my eldest daughter in mid-January. It’s been a long time coming, and I cannot wait to go and see her. My flight is booked, and all that is left to be worked out are the minor details.

More on that to come.

I hope you had a wonderful Holiday, and that 2019 is a year that will bring you peace, understanding, and great happiness.

I hope the New Year will shine it’s good juje on all of us.

Truthfully, I think we could all use some light in this world for a change.

Making little efforts to open our eyes, makes it all the more easier to see it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peaces of ME

I’ve made some decisions about my life plan, and it starts tonight.

Having mental issues will not stop me from being successful.

The issues will always be under the surface, but I am no longer a victim of my own circumstances.

I am my strengths now, not my weaknesses.

Tonight I am remembering this; and grateful for the people that lift me up in life, instead of pulling me down.

Never give up. Believe in yourself.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

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