Current. July 15th, 2020.

I’m hoping my Birthday will mean I can stay here another week until my unemployment comes again.

*It’s coming up.

I had to ask for money so I asked if it could be Birthday money, and if I could get it now.

It sucks. You have NO idea. OR maybe you do.

I know certainly I’m not the only one going through some hard stuff.

Housing is working with me now, but I’m on waiting lists as of today.

It would be easier, because I’d be in a shelter next if I couldn’t figure out this week, but I have my maltese and my cat, and there’s no one who can take them.

I’m NOT giving up my animal kids. They have kept me alive, mindful and going in the right direction through a good part of my life.

They are also registered ESA animals. Why did I pay to register them then, is just another reason.

No. They stay with me.

People shelters here don’t take animals. So really I’ve busted my ass this week to figure out housing. Talked to numerous people about it. Housing money hasn’t come yet for housing issues like mine. hotel vouchers. There are none available. So. Birthday money hopefully, coupled with the money I made today cleaning my friends home= hopefully another week here until unemployment comes again and I can get through my son’s graduation party on Saturday.

Btw, I have an appointment all the way in Lawrence on the 17th (also on Saturday) for another housing unit that accepts pets too. There’s a waiting list there too, but hopefully it’ll be shorter. I don’t know.

I only know that all job interviews have amounted to nothing. Covid everything. I have to hold on until an apartment comes up. Could be next week or three months from now.

I’m sober. I’m doing the right things. I’m paying my bills.

This is just a temporary setback. This is just covid-19, and a situation that I had to leave, and it led me to new situations I didn’t much expect, but am dealing with.

This particular week the hurdle was Unemployment; which is why I’m floundering at the moment and asking for Birthday money on voicemail.

They put three new questions on the certification for unemployment. We’ve all read it, I’m sure. Then, they emailed people with PUA claims two days later (after I filled it out), saying to disregard a certain part because they messed up.

That’s fine, but I only got one week of unemployment because in answering honestly it got flagged.

So then you have to appeal it, and who’s looking at those in a timely fashion?

SO FRUSTRATING. I’D STILLL BE WORKING ‘Rona!!!

So one week of money and I have bills for two.

Adulted all of them except part of my car payment.

So basically I’m being vetted for housing and on a waiting list. Hoping that I can stick it out here this week until unemployment comes again and I can manage to find some sort of job to pay for this place until I get something more affordable.

It’s killing my stress level on the daily.

This is a messed up situation and I’m just grateful that I’m sober also that again I asked for help when I didn’t want to, because I know that if I don’t I will have to live in my car and my storage unit with two animals.

That’s a situation I’m going to avoid if I can help it. I work hard, I do in everything I do. So this situation too. Next step is a temp. agency and a hope that I don’t get covid-19 working a “too many people around me” job; because then I would have no option but to live in my car.

I’m fucking over it, I won’t lie.

The silver lining is that I’m sober. I have a storage unit. I have a car. I’m 100% legal. I’m going to take this housing *thing as it comes, and I’m going to get through it.

If I can get through the death of my son and come back stronger for it; I can get through anything.

I’m not a helpless person or a loser because I asked for help.

It actually makes me stronger because I already know I’ve done the work.

I continue to do it.

Please Send me the good *vibes, friends.

I’m sending them right back to you.

Thanks for reading my rambling ramblings.

It’s how I work it out inside. 👍

Be well. 💗

Love yourself.

*Edit. Don’t trust any editing program that you don’t pay for.*

J.Rounds ©2020 ~Peaces of ME

Things are not perfect, but when are they?

I am re-set and re-focused to live life like there is no tomorrow; again.

Life is a process.

Busting my ass

hardcore until I get to the place I can breathe again.

Therapy today. Happy about it.

Missing my children horribly, but still have to get more things settled before I can see them and actually be present when I’m there.

Eldest is coming home from New York for a month, in nine days.

I cannot wait.

Have a good day. 💯 Xo

I had to call the crisis line again to talk to someone because I’ve come too far to get sick again, over this part of my life.

I am trying on the daily to remain calm, hopeful and diligent in moving forward.

I am not afraid of the work to get through this.

At least I asked for the help.

I am proud of myself for that, even though it hasn’t changed my situation.

I’m grateful for my journey, because basically even though I’m scared shitless by my current housing situation right now,

I’m not scared of life.

I’m going to keep going. Keeping the faith.

I’ll get there some day.

Can I get a job for the Government too? Because it seems like a whole lot of not actually working.

There is a Mental Health stigma in this country, and a good part of it comes from the professionals within the Mental Health care field itself.

True fact.

Every positive coping tool I have learned up to this point, is something that I’ve been using lately on the daily to keep from breaking down completely.

For real.

Really, I just feel like giving up at this point. If I hurt myself, I bet they’d help me then.

You see how fucked up that is?

I can’t even get someone to help me figure out what I can do in a housing crisis situation. I’m on Ssi for a mental disability , fled a domestic abusive relationship during covid, and have been trying to get help for over two months now about different programs for housing, that no one has time to help me with.

Sure have time to give me phone numbers though, so I can get off the phone with you, and leave a message for someone else who won’t call me back.

Why are the numbers there, if there’s no one that’s actually going to help you on the other end of the line?

I’ve hustled less for drugs and money. Ffs.

It’s ridiculous. I’ve been busting my ass trying to find jobs and everything (to no avail), just so I can get something on paper. Still didn’t get kennel job. (They said they wanted more medical experience, due to covid.)

I’m supposed to be ok. I’m supposed to power through it because Jenni doesn’t have any real emotions or reasons to blame anybody else but herself. Right?

I don’t believe that any housing professional I’ve talked to is actually concerned for my life and well-being, or with helping me with my housing situation at all.

It’s July 4th and I feel like total, sober, covid-19, 48- year old shit.

Not sorry for writing it, because it is true.

That should make some people happy. Enjoy your Fourth.

I could tell you what I’m really feeling but it’s not nice or kind.

I’d love to know what my used to be childhood friend, asshole ex is doing right now; because I bet it doesn’t involve trying to find a job or a place to live during covid, or worrying that he’ll have to end up living in his car.

Fuck you, and your abusive, lying fucked up, weak self.

I hope your boat sinks and I’m not sorry for it.

My therapist says that it’s totally normal to feel anger towards people that deliberately try to hurt you and fuck up your life. Especially when they lie deliberately to cover their own asses.

P.S. I’m in therapy to forgive and move on, not forget.

Thanks.

Geez and Lord

Free writing, so you know what that means.

*It doesn’t necessarily make sense to anyone but me, and is not edited at all.

I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t get freaked out momentarily over my real potential for homelessness. 2 days.

My issue is that Housing Resources are extremely backed-up and have not helped me because of it; and I can’t rent because I don’t make 3x amount of rent to qualify without a co-signer…which I’m afraid to ask anyone to do because I don’t want to ask.

I feel I should be further than that in my life; OR at least have stable housing under lock-down already, like everyone else I know does.

I guess not MY reality.

It pisses me off for many reasons, but mostly I’m pissed at myself.

When I manage to get through this part of my life; I am never allowing myself to become unstable in this way again.

I’m never getting into another relationship that involves living with someone else.

I’m in therapy now, by the way. My therapist is really nice too.

Today I will be calling the crisis line because I need to talk.

I will be on the phone again all day long because since it’s Corona, everything is doubly hard to do.

I freaked out earlier to my best friend; now I’m focusing so I can possibly magician my situation into something more doable.

Everything I’m paying for is currently too expensive.

If I could find affordable housing it would greatly improve my situation. $1,200.00 a month for rent is too much to pay for a studio apartment room in a hotel.

Still waiting to find out about the kennel job. Corona.

Asking about cleaning job again today, because I’m still waiting for kennel job, and might be able to get a housing discount through working here.

The other girl they hired, fell through.

I don’t know anything on too much of anything right now.

Going to go figure it out, as it’s a day to day thing I guess, and there’s really no other option.

Have a great day.

Good weekend.

Happy Father’s Day (late) to the Fathers out there who strive to always lead their kids in the right direction.

I saw my own Father this weekend. It was his Birthday on Saturday as well. I went with my sister and her husband to his house to celebrate. I was nervous; but lately, I’m really ready also to move on with making things better in general with my Father.

It is because tomorrow is not certain at all.

I think we’ve all grown a lot as a family in general too; and also I dont think being more social in my own family, for once is a bad thing.

I had a good time. It was nice to be around my family. No regrets.

I also had a 9-hour working interview at the shelter/kennel I interviewed for last Friday, and it felt like HOME.

I’ll find out soon if I get the position. I know that if I don’t get the job, then maybe my life isn’t supposed to go that way; because it was as if I already worked there. That’s how well the working interview went. I can learn SO much more, and HELP animals SO much more in this environment.

It is a labor of love, not money; working with animals. It’s one that I Thrive at.

I really hope I get the position.

Other than that I am working on housing. The original guy in my county called me back and he’s so nice, but busy. It’s Corona, after all.

I did get a number from him (that I called) that might have some available units. I also got some clarification on some things so I’ll know next week more of what I’m doing on all of that.

I almost cried when I hung up the phone, because I was so happy that he was genuinely understanding and helpful. (The housing resource guy) He told me he has had his own struggles with stigma in the past, and I’m appreciative that I don’t feel so alone now in my housing dilemma. He took the time to listen, explain, and help.

It matters.

I miss my kids but feel like I need to get some more stuff worked out before I see them again. Hopefully, by next week I’ll have some sort of solid, working plan. (Modifiable, of course.)

I hope you all will have a good week, friends. 💯

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2020 ~Peaces of ME

The System and mental health Stigma. My current situation.

This post I’m sure will get shit loads of people who love to judge me for anything, nosing around. I mean, since I’ve been off social media and all. There’s the set up/mood.

I don’t ask for help because, in myself; I see it as a sign of weakness in me. It’s because I haven’t always made the best choices; and the people I chose to trust to help me, generally always had strings, so it wasn’t help at all, and left me worse off than I was in the beginning.

Am I supposed to lie about that?

NO. I’ll admit the fact that I don’t trust people at all; for good reason; nor do I like to ask for help.

I’ll admit the fact that I have been reckless at times in life financially speaking as well.

This is not one of those times.

All the unemployment I’ve gotten has been to pay for my car and insurance, and fixing my car, paying for my studio hotel room and cell phone and credit cards. (which I can’t use because it will mess up my credit and it just got up to where I need it to be for buying a house.)

I’ve been adulting and busting my ass to find reasonable, affordable housing on my own.

I feel, if you’re a housing coordinator, you should probably be more empathetic to your clients that struggle with their mental health, just got out of a domestic violence situation, and are misplaced during-covid.

Especially when I have documented issues and I have rights. I have asked for help, and no one has actually helped me.

Even if you just took over that particular county, the way you talked to me made me feel like I was worthless, and didn’t matter at all.

“I’m sorry that happened to you”, isn’t enough when I’ll be living in my car because they don’t count unemployment as income when you apply for rentals, and I’m on ssi, and I’m low-income anyway. Front-line.

Ssi surely counts unemployment though; plus it’s taxed. So no Ssi coming in while on unemployment.

I’m paying bills and rent with unemployment.

I’m adulting.

I had to find two part-time jobs and interview for them, so I could get documented acceptable income on record again, and try to magician the two jobs together so I could actually have two jobs I could do mental-health wise, and be able to afford a Bs nothing of an apartment in the future.

I’m waiting to hear about the cleaning job. I’m starting a kennel job (8- hr working interview) at the local rescue shelter… two counties away, tomorrow morning. Part-time. I don’t even know if I have the job technically yet. I do know it messes up next weeks unemployment though. I might not get it now.

I’m sober. I’m TRYING. I’m pissed off. I KEEP trying.

So. The 2,000 miles I’ve driven all over West Michigan (just this last two weeks) and the countless calls and emails to people’s who job it is to help; amount to absolutely nothing, as of tonight.

It’s been countless red tape and hoops going around in the same circle, never leading anywhere.

They want you to pay the application fee everywhere….to wait for nothing that’s available, because there’s not enough affordable rentals without section 8 or a job that I can’t get.

And I’ve been asking for help for over a month and a half from state sources.

Only person that helped me was the lady at the Domestic Violence Coalition, and that’s because she listened. She gave me therapy resources I can and am actually using.

This time it’s not me being whatever in my life.

It’s Coronavirus. It’s lack of anyone giving a fuck in the system, like they are supposed to. It’s lack of affordable housing for people that don’t have high-paying jobs.

I definitely work like I make 25 bucks an hour which a hell of lot more than you can say about most people that make that much.

For real.

I’ve asked for help literally 20 times from some of the same people, and some of them act like you’re the biggest burden to the world that you could ever imagine, because you can’t figure out the forms to fill out, or what steps to take to get them filled out properly because they have 10 different types of aid, and you have to have people actually working with you to have it help when you’re in crisis.

This is why I’m the one with the mental disorder, and you’re the one working for the Government.

I’m not on section 8.

I’m on ssi for documented bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety. I work when I can and even when I can’t.

Thanks.

This is just me venting because I’m frustrated. I don’t care what anyone thinks about it at all, because five years ago I would have tried to off myself over it.

Today I just write it out and deal.

My bills are all paid. My credit is going up. I’m living in a hotel, but I’m safe,I have my animal kids. I have a job I’m pretty sure I’ll get after a working 8 hour interview, and I’ve got two weeks to figure out the rest.

Free writing; because then you don’t have to worry about grammar and puncuaction.

Today was productive, and I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing, but I do know I want to work and do something so I can have structure and a technical income source on record , so I can get a house some day.

Apparently making MORE than what you’d earn working, on unemployment, doesn’t count. I’d still be working my other job had there been anyone taking me seriously at my last job.

That’s what irritates me but I can’t go back there.

Anyways,

I applied for a cleaning job today and sent for info on three affordable rentals. Haven’t heard back from any of them.

Hasn’t even been a day though. Also, It’s the weekend.

I already know I’m a good renter. Also that I can afford it.

So. I did stuff I had to do today, plus I enjoyed the sun and took a stand against something that I needed to take a stand on. No other option.

I’ve had worse days for sure.

Being strong in myself this day.

There really is no other option I’m good with at this time in life.

Still not ideal situation for me, but confident, depending on myself and working towards good.

Some hate me for it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2020 ~Peaces of ME