Opportunities lost or found?

I personally believe at this point in my life, that any opportunity you might miss out on for being yourself; is one step closure to another opportunity where you don’t have to compromise who you are or your worth at all.

The path YOU forge is yours alone.

Love yourself. Even on the days when it’s going to take a little more effort.

It’ll matter at the end of the day.

This I do know.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Better Choices for a Better Life.

When I was all messed up and thinking that I was this or that, I was genuinely feeling like shit about my life every day and acting like nothing mattered, because I didn’t want it to… basically.

I masked my internal traumas with anything that would make me forget my life, and who and what I didn’t have in it.

Lots of alcohol, lots of pills, cocaine, speed, Men. Inappropriate sexual behavior that was highly damaging to my self-esteem. I even used food the wrong way. Anything to mask reality. I embarrassed and hurt my family and true friends, as well as myself. I put myself in dangerous situations that led to more negativity, abuse, and a road that was leading straight to my demise.

The whole point was to not feel; because I felt in my head, that I felt too much. I didn’t want to feel my pain. I felt as if it was better off for everyone, if I was not around. I killed myself and everyone around me slowly, and day-by-day.

To write my truths out loud is not easy for me. I do it because I know how lonely and helpless I felt, and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way, ever. I do it to keep myself moving forward; and to move forward for me, means making amends with my past.

I am doing just that now, on a daily basis.

I cringe a lot and shake my head, because I literally do not know the person I used to be, or really who she even was. It was me living and breathing, but I was a living-dead girl for sure, and I couldn’t tell you anything that would be closer to the truth.

Many already know my story, because they saw it unfold on social media and in real life as well.

By repeating the same unhealthy cycles, and then, in the end, trying to space out the unhealthy cycles so they didn’t seem so bad; well all I did was make my issues much worse.

It was for most of my life, the only kind of life that I felt I deserved. I nutured the broken parts of me with negativity and hate.

This is what addicts/ alcoholics are best at. Reasoning with toxic thoughts and situations that are not reasonable, realistic or healthy in the slightest. Pushing away anyone that disrupts their seeking and consumption of their drug of choice. Staying in denial until it becomes apparent that there is NO other option but to die, or to CHANGE.

I wanted to die for SO long.

For me, it was a culmination of past traumas, loss, regret, shame, and having negative influences and people in and around my life, who promoted the negativity I chose to live in, and the mental issues and negativity that naturally resided within me.

I say chose to live in, because at the end of the day, it WAS MY choice. Nobody kept me in the cycle, or forced me to continue it. Sure, there were people that made it worse for me; but I wasn’t making the right choices in life at all, and nobody twisted my arm to keep me drinking and train-wrecking through life but ME.

I did that.

That’s the reality of it. That’s my truth. That’s the thing that I didn’t want to see for so long, but always knew.

I wish I could relate to people, just how much admitting your truth to yourself can ultimately set you on a course to wellness.

I also know that you cannot reach an alcoholic/addict, until they want to be reached.

I started to change slowly; and what started out as baby steps, turned into a full-on march forward.

One thing I realized is that a lot of people didn’t want to see me change, because then they could no longer point the finger at me.

These are the people that are no longer in my life.

Change is hard, but fully possible depending on how honest you want to get with yourself. You know when you are lying to yourself.

With the help of the people in my life that never left me, and the desire to be the person I was meant to be; I found the strength inside me, to reach out for help, and start moving forward.

The choice was mine to make; noone else’s.

You ALWAYS have a choice to change for the better.

I chose to focus on living, instead of dying; and that has made ALL the difference.

It is not always easy, but that is how life goes sometimes. I can tell you that I feel much more calm inside, and much more hopeful about my future. I chose to break my own unhealthy cycles to save my life, because I know I was meant for more than self-sabotage, and a life cut short. So are you.

I hope that if you are tired of living in the same unhealthy cycles, repeating the same unhealthy cycles you are living in, you will take into consideration the choices you are making for your life, and make the choice to change, and make better ones.

I am one year, seven months, and sixteen days sober; and I started at day ONE.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Oh Grammarly, can you political correctness for me? Can you make my Oprah filter work? Awww, I’m *devastated. (Not really)

Sometimes there is nothing more satisfying than speaking your truth.

I’m a good person and I don’t want to hurt anyone at all. I give every person that speaks to me the same genuineness I would give my kids.

And that’s how I am.

If you hurt me though, on purpose, then don’t expect me to respect you.

If you try to silence me.

Don’t expect me to be silent.

I became sick of taking shit from people that said they cared but really didn’t; thanks for the baggage.

I became sick of people acting like they were better than me when they were obviously not.

I became sick of idiots coming around just when my life seemed to be getting better.

I became sick of falling over and over again because I would not use my legs to stand up.

If you want to think whatever you want to think of me, you can.

The internet is a fraction of who I am, and everybody that knows me in real life knows I am my own individual.

I always have been.

Always.

I’m not perfect at all

But I’m so good with that, you don’t even know.

Because I am better than ever before.

Let people bitch. Let people talk. Like I’m around to hear it. Like I’m going to spend more time worrying what people think when I have a clue already and consider the source.

Who cares.

If you can’t take me being myself, then we weren’t meant to be in each others worlds.

Period.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peaces of ME

The Blow-by realization.

I find it a really good thing that my sober date anniversary came and went without me even noticing.

I hope to continue on my journey every day with diligence and find even greater understanding of myself in the future.

Today, I am for all intensive purposes, content.

I do not have every, single thing in my life in place and figured out.

What I do have is the willingness to keep learning and changing my thought processes, until they are no longer trauma-based.

I’m happy with my life right now, and I’m enjoying the fact that I can be who I am, without anybody telling me that it’s not good enough.

It is.

I am one year, seven months, and four days sober.

I am grateful every day, because I know I should be dead, and that’s just the basic *jist of everything.

I prefer to LIVE.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Not tonight satan.

It’s when the universe tests me with its trials, that I remember that I have been through way worse.

One year, six months, and fourteen days says I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to.

I definitely know my worth now, in ALL regards.

I’m glad for this day even though it sucked in many ways.

The highlight was talking with my youngest daughter, and truly laughing with her.

She is amazing. That and being sober are the only two things I need tonight.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

I Remember You.

Today marks 10 years to the day that my 3 1/2 year-old son passed tragically in the hospital; while we were there for routine tests that ended up leading to complications from a radical surgery he had had the year before, to save his life. It was a sudden thing that none of us were prepared for at all, and ultimately it unfortunately led to his passing on this day, at 12:11 pm, 2008.

It IS the single most traumatic thing that I have ever experienced in my life. I went crazy because of it, and I had to fight my way back for a long time.

Everyone that new Karter, new what a light he was in this world. Strong. Resilient. A beautiful spirit.

We miss him every day.

I’ve come to the conclusion that some angels are only here for a little while; to show us things we need to know for the future and to give us the strength to get there.
I do not know if I will see Karter again, but I’d like to think so. He comes to me in my dreams. I know for sure he is better now, and that fact brings me peace.

Today I am keeping to myself. I’m thinking of my children, my sisters, my mother, my ex husband, and my family members that love him.

We were blessed to be in his life, and surely that he graced ours.

Rest in peace Karter Law Rounds; May 3rd, 2005- October 3rd, 2008.

I know you are, and that you show me the way to the light every day.

Sometimes things that are hardest to bear, ultimately end up making you so much stronger inside, and actually help you find a reason to keep going. Xo.

Love yourself.

I Remember You ❤

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Sometimes I get SO frustrated that I literally want to implode into nothing, and disappear.

The feelings and anxiety and depression are REAL.

I made myself a promise a little over a year ago, that no matter what else happened in my life, I would not ever go the route of suicide or consider it ever again.

I still have the thoughts sometimes…and it feels like I can’t help it.

I will never kill myself because I know that that will solve nothing.

It will only make it worse.

I think it’s sad that I fucked my life up so bad, and put myself into everyone and everything, but me.

I’m so ashamed of my life.

At the end of the day, I’m alone.

At the end of the day, there is no one here to catch me when I fall or anyone that even wants to.

I wouldn’t let anyone get close enough anyways.

At the end of the day, I’m a 47-year-old woman with a minimum wage job and scattered college courses that can’t even be put together into a degree. I have mental issues which have peaks and valleys.

It pisses me off that I could go out and be a whore and make all the cash I need, but I can’t make enough money doing something legit because I don’t have obviously “what it takes.”

I work my ass off at work because it makes me feel like I’m someone.

I’m afraid to find another job because I’m afraid I’ll mess my life up again, and it will be the wrong move.

I also love my job.

I can’t depend on income from odd jobs at all. It always falls through no matter how patient or flexible I am.

I don’t know enough people. I don’t have the schedule flexibility to work enough at another job.

I wanted to do so many things with my art and photography and writing; but I just feel like it doesn’t even matter anymore.

I depend on my ex-boyfriend for things….still.

I fucking HATE it, even though there’s a part of me that sometimes feels like he owes me the help.

I know it’s wrong to feel like that even though I do, and maybe there’s truth in it to feel that way, but maybe there’s not. I don’t know.

I do know that he came across town to bring me cigarettes when he didn’t even feel good and now I feel like shit. I’m also pissed off that I’ve spent so much money on that disgusting habit too.

Can I stop. NO. Still smoking.

I get SO frustrated about all of it, that all I can do is cry to relieve the stress.

It is really all I can do some days to pull myself out of my pity party reality and stay motivated enough to move on to the next day.

I cannot describe the emptiness and loneliness that depression is for me, but I do know it is directly correlated to whatever is going on in my life at the time.

Money is the issue, and has been for some time now. I cannot over- extend myself any further, on anything.

At this time, I have no other option left but to find a job that will support me fully.

No other option.

I think it’s going to be a really fucking miserable Winter too.

And that’s how my depression is making me feel, and how I feel right this moment.

“This too shall pass”, but my patience with myself and the universe is completely gone in THIS day.

I’m going to bed because I have a headache, and I have to work at 6:15 tomorrow and “people”.

It would be amazing if I got my review tomorrow, and I could at least be making ten bucks by the end of it.

I already know that’s not going to happen, and really that’s so pathetic to even be saying.

Ten bucks an hour isn’t shit in the world of today.

I feel like I’m never going to be financially stable.

And it makes me literally sick.

I feel like my whole life has meant nothing, and I do not know why I am here.

I am one year, five months, and thirty days sober.

I’m trying to love myself by writing out loud and saving my life through purging the negative thoughts.

Thank you for reading.

Win-win.

There are some people in the world who just seem to do their own thing and not really care about much except “enjoying” life and living it to the “fullest”.Their lives seem to go off without a hitch…so it seems. The perfect everything. You want to be one of those people, even though you know that’s not true at all.

Right?

Is being truly happy really a real thing, or is it sometimes a made up illusion, and someone being so good at acting and convincing, that they actually might believe their own BS; and project a state of mind to make others believe it too.

Or it could be a life sprinkled with more happiness here and there than most; more opportunity and more people supporting it.

How does that happen, how can I make that reality mine?

What is being “truly happy” anyways? According to whom?

No one has it really; because we are ALL in our own ways, reaching.

Very few of us are content with where we are.

I guess I started thinking, what exactly am I reaching for?

Everybody’s lives are in states of metamorphosis every day.

The ideas I’ve always had about what being “truly happy” is, or means to me, are changing.

I don’t know. I guess I live somewhere in between trying to live my life to the fullest without the cash flow; caring about people even though most people suck and hurt you; and I haven’t quite figured out if being truly happy is even in the realm of being scientifically possible for someone like me; or what that looks like either. Am I trying too hard? Am I just going to die a misunderstood little girl inside, who always feels like no matter what she does, she’ll have to avoid a lot of things and people to feel safe to be herself in this world?

That’s not really safe, but I also don’t mind avoiding at all.

Is that a problem?

Do I care if you care? Not really. That’s the thing. I’ve learned not to.

I care but I don’t.

I guess there are good things in the world, after all, to be grateful for. I am now immune to internet hate. LOL!!

This is also why I love this blog.

You, the reader, don’t have to read any of this.

I am healing myself as I type this.

It’s a win, win.

{I’m a driver. I’m a winner. Things are gonna’ change. I can feel it.}

It’s a win-win because I just want to feel better about my life and the world. Make more sense of it. Writing helps. This blog is almost five years old. I don’t know of very many people that have my writing style, so I actually appreciate the fact that I don’t have very many followers, also that you don’t seem to mind the fact that I’m unpolished and broken.

Thank you.

It’s like a journey within a journey if that makes sense to anyone at all.

I’m anti-social for many reasons. This helps.

I don’t know what will happen next in my life. Hopefully, I’ll figure out how to get more of the bad stuff out, and more of the good stuff in.

I get it fully, so.

On a total squirrel side note:

Social media and the way the world in general tries to make you feel worthless just for being you is so sad. Don’t worry about fitting into the social media standard of what “normal” is.

It’s not normal at all.

Not everybody is born into the ideal situation with the same opportunities.

That’s okay. You still have options to be successful, and truly you want it to be more than just money based or you’ll regret it.

This I know.

I don’t even want to people most days because most people don’t get that and it makes me anti-social. Truth.

I can’t be around those people. Maybe someday I can, but why?

I’m learning how to be good in the moment, and grateful every day that I can at the very least write about who I am and how I feel this way and then go away.

I am one year, five months, and twenty-eight days sober.

I got tired of editing this half way through.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME