Quirky, uber geek, word manipulator; 'wanna be published writer, with a spark.
Photography, excerpts of my personal writing, and random blurbs; regarding my journey to self-forgiveness, acceptance, hope, growth.
I'm learning to love myself for who I am... without regrets.
So, I’m in an upside-down car loan which I’m pretty sure I just got out of with full coverage and Gap Protection.
I find out today.
My eldest daughter and I got in a crash on our way up to my sister’s lake house this past Saturday.
I was driving.
We walked away completely unscathed, except for my car.
The accident involved a bottleneck on the highway, and not seeing it was happening because I was paying attention to the semi beside me. I had the choice to potentially be clipped by the semi, hit the car in front of us, or swerve into the wire guard rail, which I did.
We rode that guard rail for a good five seconds, and on a super busy highway, managed to not hit or hurt anyone else.
Thank the Universe.
I have to say that I did have a mini freak out afterwards. I did cry some; for many reasons…I was pretty much in shock that it happened because I’m an excellent driver, and I am. Lol.
My daughter is a complete angel and was very understanding and calm; I love her for it.
When I calmed down, I started to realize that this accident is a TOTAL blessing in disguise.
I have been busting my ass to pay for this car every month which is $400 a month, every month, for almost three years.
You all know my financial fuckeries.
I did not understand about simple interest loans, (upside down loans), until I was in this loan. I didn’t realize it until I tried to refinance and was “approved, but…”
So I owe 10 grand more than this car is actually worth. It’s a 2012 Chevy Malibu LTZ; or WAS.
I couldn’t refinance it because of that fact, even though my credit is good enough.
I couldn’t get out of the loan without messing up my credit that I have been working on building up for over five years.
Now, that will probably change. The loan, not my credit.
The things that suck are that it didn’t even have 90,000 miles on the car and I JUST replaced two tires. I don’t have rental coverage. I have no funds for renting a car right now because I’m scraping to pay rent and my other bills. I’m also maybe getting a 30 hour a week job I interviewed for. I find out today, but obviously, that’s going to be an issue I have to organize too.
The silver linings are that my daughter and myself are completely fine. I didn’t crash into or hurt anybody else, the ticket the cop gave me was for improper lane change only ( 🙂), and with full-coverage and gap protection, in two months I’ll be out of this loan and completely unconnected to the other person on it, FOREVER.
Talk about silver linings. 👍
THIS WAS a blessing in disguise.
My mother talks about how she prays for all of us in the family to have a protective bubble around us every day and night, to keep us safe.
She’s a great mom. 💗
After she picked us up, she said that she had asked God “where our bubble was?”.
I started to think about that.
The windows on the car were ALL rolled up. Not only could we have hit someone head-on, or been hit by a semi, but also any other time I would have had the window partly down; because I smoke.
I watched the glass cracking on my driver’s side window as we were crashing. It was like slow-mo. I was completely terrified that it was going to bust in and fly at us, but it didn’t.
It definitely would have done that, had the window been partly down. The glass could have flown into us and everything but we didn’t get one scratch at all.
💗The bubble was definitely there Momma. 💗
It’s going to be a little sketchy these next weeks for me. There’s A LOT going on in my life.
I’m not scared about it though. I think I’m leveling up to the next chapter in my life. I’m going into it with a fierce knowledge that the Universe IS on my side.
Btw, we still went to the lake house and it was the best time ever!!
My brother-in-law also has connections with some car dealerships so eventually I will be getting another car.
A more affordable payment too, for sure. 👍
I do not know how the Universe works, but I do know that I feel confident that doing the right things in life throws out good karma that will come back around when you really, really need it.
Look for the silver linings. They are essential to your life, and teach you the very best things.
Have a great day friends and remember to love yourself.
I learn EVERY SINGLE DAY that if you are open to growth, you will learn from people who are also not afraid and open to grow.
I had a wonderful afternoon with my baby girl who’s not really a baby anymore.
It was one of the best afternoons I’ve had in a long time. It was really, really nice.
On Saturday, I pick up my eldest daughter and head up to my sisters for a family weekend at her lakehouse.
All three of my kids will be there. All of my family will be there.
I’m SO excited.
I took for granted my life for a really, really long time, and stole pieces of my children’s childhoods and caused great rifts in my family because I simply was not there in a healthy, functioning manner, and years of physically not being there either, because of it.
It is my deepest regret in life.
I have used it to propel me forward into today, and to never ever let it happen again.
I AM BLESSED.
I am blessed because my children love me. They allow me to be in their lives today because I do the work to deserve it, today.
They are good humans, beautiful souls, and I am lucky.
I wish I could relay to them how much I know it.
Grateful today for sobriety, truth, conversations with your kid, growth, change, and building healthy relationships with my family and for my life.
What are you grateful for today?
I hope you are giving yourself the love today that you always give everybody else. 🙂
Hodge-podge thoughts that squirreled away from me.
That’s how it goes with Jenni and her writing, most times.
***I’m not a Doctor.***
***I’m trying to navigate my way through this subject so that I can grow and become a better version of myself. This is my thought process written in blog form. It is not a medical opinion of anyone, but a series of learned things about myself and other people, via personal, lived experiences and crappy choices. Maybe it might help someone other than me to consider a different way of life than the one they currently live if you can manage to draw any conclusions out of it.***
BE THE FRIEND YOU NEVER HAD GROWING UP.
“Speak, even if your voice trembles.”
Narcissistic qualities are rampant in active addiction, and I know it to be true first-hand in myself.
It’s scary to me, actually.
Narcissism is considered a character flaw in general, and it’s because it is based on grandiose ideas about one’s self that are not there, or true.
You lie to yourself and the people around you, basically. It’s better than it actually is; and if it’s not, it’s not your fault.
I’ve lived a life that involved being emotionally in fight or flight mode for much of it. In and out of addictions to numb me of my own demons and inability to cope with my truths in life. Poor life choices. I’ve felt and still feel invalidated on many major things in life that have happened to me throughout it that I could not control.
I have lived unhealthy mental cycles by choice because of it, and it has taken me years and years to unlearn many negative thought processes. I actively seek healthy re-wire on the daily, because I know now that it is ME who is responsible for my own life and choices, and no one else.
Some negative thoughts are still there, in varying degrees.
I’m in trauma therapy today, and in a different place in my life.
I truly struggle sometimes with my self-worth and I wonder a lot about narcissistic behavior, because not only have I been involved with people in narcissistic relationships my entire life, I am also well-aware that I have been at times narcissistic myself, throughout parts of mine.
I hate that fact.
I wonder if I am truly a narcissistic person, even though I truly don’t think I am.
For me, my narcissistic behavior and active addiction seemed to mimic each other, and walk hand-in-hand.
It IS the same kind of lack of empathy or cares for anyone other than ones’ self.
Same, obvious character defects present. Same lies and manipulation and inability to accept reality.
A person that hides behind lies plays a game that their mind will never win.
I learned that the hard way.
***Please don’t learn it the hard way, because it’s REALLY hard, and healthier to avoid. You will hurt others, and then you’ll regret it.***
Addiction is a lie you live. Narcissism is a lie you tell yourself. The same kind of behaviors, or principal. In my opinion, only.
Narcissism could be some sort of an addiction in itself, I do not really know, but it does seem logical to me.
Narcissistic people as well as addicts in active addiction, kill pieces of other people deliberately; out of spite or greed, or the hustle for the drug of choice; the personal gain or goal. Caring for anything else is too hard, and not important at the end of the day.
It doesn’t matter who it hurts.
Both active addicts and narcassists will play the victim; but in actuality; 9/10 times, they are the Predator.
*The one with the problem.*
The person knows it. They hide it. They would never admit it.
A wolf in sheep’s clothing, they already ate the sheep; except for the hunk in the freezer. They always are one step ahead, and always have a back-up plan that doesn’t involve anyone but themselves.
Likable and generally charismatic, at first SEEMS to be the best human since the last narcissist or addict you met that was exactly the same kind of person, and not so “best human”.
***Trust your gut people, it doesn’t lie.***
I’ve learned it the hard way, multiple times.
I also have been this person before, and it was not the best version of myself at all.
*So, am I a narcissistic person for real, or was I just not who I really was because I was too caught up in my own vices to care about anything else?
I think the later, today.
Real Narcassists are unable to admit character flaws and wrongdoings and will not openly admit anything; that being the number one character flaw of the person.
They will instead, look for every other thing to point out wrong about you or anything else if they think in any way shape, or form, it will make them look better than you, get them what they want, or in other words, RIGHT/WIN.
I was like that hard-core in active addiction.
THIS is a red flag in general, that something isn’t right about someone.
If someone in your life is always playing the devil’s advocate or victim when you’re the one who needs emotional support and seems only to be really happy when you are sad…
THIS is also a red flag too, and you should spend your time on someone that lifts you up and cares to listen instead of these kinds of people.
It is a verified fact that it will eventually be detrimental to your emotional health to continue to engage with these kinds of people.
There have been studies.
I have also lived my entire life dealing with and involving myself with these kinds of people and it has hurt me in so many ways I couldn’t list them all.
It is SO much wiser to create healthy boundaries for yourself and to care about yourself so you don’t become the same way, because you will.
Narcissistic people will appease you and be nice to you as long as they are getting something from you that they want.
Whatever that may be, sometimes it’s hard to tell.
In truth, they secretly harbor resentment for strengths they don’t have, that YOU do because they are not capable or willing to change their own character flaws and realize that other people’s strengths are not threats to them, but learning opportunities.
Narcissistic people don’t really care to that level about anything, but they can pretend to really well.
They will never respect you because to them, you are just another person to feed their own emotional vices.
They do not digest what you are saying and only think about what they will say next.
If you ever speak up because this person has violated your personal limits, then you can bet that it IS the beginning of the end anyways if the person is a narcissist.
Active Addicts often act the very same way.
9/10 times you then will become a target for a patchwork of lies and/or mistruths and misfortunes generated by the person you just stood up to, because you become a threat that they can’t manipulate any longer.
Sometimes they will even tell you that you are doing things you aren’t even doing and try to get you to believe it when you know it’s not true.
They wear you down, and keep repeating it over and over.
It’s called Gas Lighting.
I think I have done that at some point in my life before;
Am I like that now? No.
So am I really narcissistic?
I don’t think so?
I think I realized that I was actually being that way at one point, and then I realized that that was a choice I was making because I wasn’t doing the right things for my life, and that was the fact.
That’s when I started waking up.
I can tell you in general, that it is best to walk away from any person who treats you like you are hurting them when you are being forthright and they don’t want to hear reality.
If it’s never them, then you’re probably dealing with a narcissist or someone that doesn’t want to accept reality, and it’s a waste of your time.
Active addiction for me, always mimicks huge narcissistic spikes in me to some level.
This is why I think addiction is such a selfish disease.
I know that I don’t want to hurt anyone OR be like that, ever again.
Real relationships are give and take and I also think that all who have ever struggled with addiction have had problems that involve narcissistic problems too.
For me personally, I’d say it is part of my disease.
This is why addiction destroys.
This is why I am mindful of my choices today.
That whole last whatever paragraphs were like squirrel thoughts, BTW. This whole entry is.
Today, I am as confident in myself to the fullest I can be, regarding the day.
It changes every day.
The difference between a real narcissist and a person that’s just confident is the ability to admit character flaws and mistakes, and then to actually take responsibility and do the work to fix the defects/mistakes.
I’m doing that because I don’t want to be a narcissistic person who doesn’t care about anything or anyone.
Confident people don’t go out of their way to manipulate other people for gain.
They don’t lie. They admit their faults.
I try to mindful to be a good human and to actively take responsibility for my own life every day. I’m not perfect, but I do genuinely think of others and show it.
It feels like I talk myself into that fact, even though it’s actually true.
I feel like I’ve let other narcissistic people throughout my life, beat the confidence out of me until I believed it wasn’t worth having any.
Then I woke up and took responsibility for my own life, and saw my role in all of it.
I have a lot of work to do to still, to heal my life, and to become the best version of myself.
I know who I am inside and I am grateful that I realize that I can change every, single day for the better.
I can learn and grow from other people.
It is worth it to keep changing for the better even though it is hard and sometimes really slow-going.
It’s about change. It’s about life. It’s about finding your way and being mindful. You don’t have to be so self-absorbed.
My focus is literally ridiculous
but I totally understand what I am writing. Lol.
I’m SO a work in progress, and I’m SO 0.k. with it.
Love yourself, and Thanks for reading my mostly ADHD thoughts.
I never know what I’m going to say either, most times, it just comes out. 🙂