Quirky, uber geek, word manipulator; 'wanna be published writer, with a spark.
Photography, excerpts of my personal writing, and random blurbs; regarding my journey to self-forgiveness, acceptance, hope, growth.
I'm learning to love myself for who I am... without regrets.
Just heard that legally owned guns, were used in the Texas school shooting; so that whole argument is SHIT.
Kids killing other kids; to prove they are somebody.
Please get some mental health professional teams up in these schools; and change these kids way of thinking before we have a whole generation of kids that have lost people they love; before they are even able to process it properly; because they are KIDS.
I have to care because I have kids in school. I have to care; because I don’t think it’s right to let these kinds of traumas be the norm for kids nowadays.
It’s not right that we look away and deny the issues.
There are TOO many kids that fall through the cracks of life. I know all about that.
Every child you help get through something that is hard for them to cope with in life; is a child that feels value.
When a child feels value, they can literally excel to any level.
It’s NOT Rocket Science. It’s a common sense approach to actually helping the world and the kids that will be running it in the future; and disrupting the unhealthy cycles of the world”s workings.
The fact that most schools do not have set teams of professionals to deal with the emotional BS of being a kid in a world like today, astounds me.
Does anybody care at all unless it affects them?
People are so desensitized to reality; that no one will believe it when the world finally DOES blow up.
This time spent building nothing but a pipe-dream of a life with you….
It was no life at all in the end.
No grounds to stand on; never was. No way to get through the walls you built; or for that matter; no way to get through MY walls to get to you….anymore.
That is what the damage really is.
This is the loss.
The loss of someone who doesn’t feel the same way about me; as I did about him.
Literally made me into an enemy; to feed the thoughts in his head.
Is it really a loss if it was all based on mistruths and secrets? Is it really a loss when that person doesn’t skip a beat; and moves on with life like it never meant anything? Chooses the easy, instead of the work to make things better. Prefers to be without you; because the reality is too hard.
There’s the answer; and it’s not a new one.
I wont feel bad about that. It’s not really a loss; because it’s actually a lesson.
Today I will focus on loving myself and doing things for myself that will get me moving forward again, and where I belong.
I think losing faith in one thing; or a person; doesn’t mean you have to lose faith in everything.
My obvious disappointment will not deter me from bigger and better opportunities in my life.
That’s the work I have to keep doing.
It has nothing to do with whatever guy is riding beside me; or what relationship I’m in/out of….or not.
A man doesnt make me; I DO.
People walk in and out of my life every day.
I am never afraid to let the ones that are not strong enough to stay; walk away.
They were not meant to be in my life; or they would be.
My choice; is to know that it doesn’t decrease my value as a person.
And it never did.
My issues are mine; and yours are yours.
Although I will miss some things; I’m moving forward knowing that I don’t have to look back this time.
Sober af; and I am glad that I am strong enough today; to stay that way.
I don’t do AA or anything anymore at all; because it actually triggers me, instead of helps.
I equate it to a religion…which I also don’t conform to, or do. (I have my own beliefs about that)
My point is; despite those facts; AA DOES have great “coined phrases” that you can use to remind yourself…that you can’t get something for nothing, and expect it to save your soul.
I’m not too fond of the “It works if you work it”, because it’s a little too cheesy for my liking. Lol.
“DO THE WORK” suits me better. Also in capital letters so you can read it better. THIS is what flashes across my brain when I feel weak.
If I didn’t do that for myself; I’d just hit the Beer and Beer drive through down the road for “cigarettes”, and tell you that it didn’t matter where they came from.
If you want to stay sober; you have to actively try to stay sober when you want to drink. No matter what you have to do. There’s no Beer and Beer drive through ANYTHING. Make it hard for yourself to fuck up.
I am honest in the fact that I am flawed; because I believe the only way to change those flaws; is to admit that they are there in the first place.
The competition is with myself; and noone else. I am not responsible for things that are not in my control; only MY self, MY actions and reactions, MY immediate surroundings, and who I let into MY life.
This is the first time in my life that I have actively been sober for more than three months; since 2008. It has been one year, one month, and eighteen days, today; that I made the solid choice and action of stopping the drinking and the denial that was killing my life…FOR GOOD. This is the first time in my life that I have actively been myself for an extended period of time; and not felt like I needed to make it comfortable for everyone else.
I DO NOT REGRET IT IN ANY WAY.
I keep reminding myself that this is reality; and I need to keep actively living in it. DAILY.
I keep reminding myself that I have to put the work in to make my life healthier, and to be a better person; every, single day. EVERY DAY.
Even if it means that I will be afraid. Even if it means I will have to feel emotional pain and uncomfortable feelings to let go. Even if it means I will be tired and overwhelmed sometimes from trying. Even if I have to admit that I STILL have ways of thinking about certain things; that need to be understood, and changed…so I can be at peace inside. Even if it means being physically alone. I know I am stronger than my fears. I know I am stronger than the hurt. I KNOW I can do this life of mine constructively.
I know what I need to do, to get what I need for my emotional health. I’m DOING.
My life is changing today, and I am afraid.
I know I will be ok. I am not afraid to say out loud that I am still flawed….and I might always be.
Being healthy is more important than anything else….
I need to heal from some stuff, for sure.
Today I will focus on that healing.
I’m getting used to being alone in my own space again for the first time in over a year-and-a-half.
It feels scary, but I’m ready.
I don’t feel bad about it anymore…the fact that I will be alone again. I feel like I’m being a logical adult; and actively making my life more stable; because it’s the right thing to do for my life; and also for thee entire situation.
I am still afraid a bit though. I don’t think it’d be change if I wasn’t in some regard.
Grace through adversity; is all I can do for now about it.
That is what I am doing at this point, until I figure out my next move.
My story doesn’t end here…I think it’s just getting started really.
Life is about living it; and embracing the moments and lessons that come to you; without regret…no matter how they come.
I will live today without regret; and have faith in the choices I have made for my life and future…because I believe in MYself.
I mentioned a while back, that I had taken a cancer screening DNA test; because I do not know any medical history, on my biological Father’s side.
I need that medical information for myself, and for my children.
I was called this week and asked to come in for the results. It’s a little concerning to me; because the nurse told me the day I took the test; that if there were no concerns, they’d call me with the results. Well they called; but won’t give me any results’ about the test… until I go in to the office.
It doesn’t help that the appointment was for today, at 3:30pm; and they called to tell me I had to reschedule, because their computers were down; an hour beforehand, while I was at work.
It’s REALLY, just that the Doctors are not wanting to stay late on a Friday; because when I called back to re-schedule…magically the computer system was up and running again; my appointment time had already past…and all the Doctors had left early for the day.
Now I wait until Monday morning before work to find out what’s going on.
I think it’s pretty shitty that they would just cancel an appointment like that; give me no information at all about the test results; and make me wait and worry for three more days. But at least they could go home early. (Y)
Obviously, there is no regard; or they wouldn’t have called me an hour before the appointment time. If I did that to them, they would charge me a fee …
What fee do I charge THEM; for DNA cancer results they made me wait for?
“Do as I say; not as I do.”
Pff…ok. Seems legit.
The sarcasm dripping off that comment, couldn’t get any more drippy.
I have to remind myself today that I only have ONE LIFE; one voice.
I know that I do not want to waste time on negativity and feeling upset inside.
Even though I do not feel positive all of the time, every day; I can still consciously shift my shitty mood to positive; by not dwelling on stuff; that’ll do nothing but pollute my head with things that don’t need to be there.
Thinking positive thoughts helps me feel more positive. If I tell myself all of the negative, outlandish, worst-case scenarios all the time…well, I know for a fact that that’s not living to my full potential.
I’m being true to myself today.
I’m thinking rationally about most situations now. Delaying my reaction time to things. I still need to work on myself, and parts of me that make me anxious and angry though. It doesn’t help anything, or anyone.
I’ve been looking into some behavioral therapies that I’ve been discussing with my best friend. They are nothing like all the “talking about nothing that matters” therapies, that I’ve had before. I need to learn ways to remain chill; when I feel like punching someone. I don’t like the build up of anxiety I feel sometimes. Hopefully with some effort, I can find a decent place that I can afford; that is not hooked up to these Medicade related places I’ve been to every other time. I feel like most medicaid-related help involves, just wanting you in the system; and on the meds so they can make their money. It’s not because they actually care about me being well and being happy.
It still amazes me how Doctors look at me like I’m nuts; for not wanting to hook myself on synthetics to “normalize” again. I still don’t care what other people say about it at all. Maybe THIS, IS my Normal.
I DO hope to find a genuine therapist; who’s primary mission is to help people heal the traumas they carry within them.
It is naive to think that I would have a long-term understanding of myself at this point….because let’s face it; I’m STILL on a journey to parts of myself that I’ve never even known before.
I only know that I will get there; some how; some way.
And yeah; I’m THAT passionate about it. It matters that I feel at peace in this world. It matters that I stay “Jenni” in the process.
“I think it’s ok to admit that some parts of our lives don’t always make sense at the moment we need them to.”
I also think that’s what doing the work is all about.
Learning patience when you’ve never had any; is a skill that’ll help you out too…if you can make yourself focus long enough to actually do it.
It takes practice. I practice every day. I fail almost every day; in some regard; too.
It’s mostly uncomfortable; with pivitol moments that allow me to feel as if I was made for something more than what I’ve been doing; and putting out more good things to the people I love; and the world.
I’d like a more continual, peaceful vibe from me; going out into the world.
I really don’t care about anything else; but increasing my truly peaceful moments in life.
The parts where I KNOW I have this; instead of the telling myself that I have it…. until I believe it.
It’s getting better and better every day.
Learning to embrace the fact that I don’t have everything all figured out; is a HUGE step in moving forward daily; and allows me to take the time I need to do it properly and effectively.
I’m actually putting in effort where there was none before really….regarding my life; so………
When I get to feeling too frustrated about whatever it may be, or whomever it may be; I try my hardest to turn inward; and focus on the negative parts about myself that I can work on instead. I know eventually, I’ll be able to figure out what to do, about the areas of “what the actual fuck”, in my life; if I keep to this system.
There are things to still be grateful for, after all.
I’m working on being a better version of me today; because I owe it to myself. I sometimes wonder where it will take me; but I know in the end, that better is never a bad thing.
She was the kind of human being I’ve always held in regard. Someone that was closer to perfect than I could ever be.
A “proper” role model.
I’m sure there are flaws there though…simply because of the fact that she was human, and just another person.
I also struggle with knowing if there is anything after this life, and what it is; but also feeling like because I just wrote that about M.T.; it’ll go on the list of things I’ll go to hell over for saying, I’m sure.
Figure that run-on sentence out. (Lol)
Sorry, not sorry; but I really just don’t think that God has anything to do with it….
Being a decent person, that is.
I also really don’t know if there is a heaven or a hell.
“To thine own self be true.”
Intent matters more than anything in life…..in my opinion anyways.
For someone like me; being decent and honest is a healthy “addiction”.
I know it to be a better way of living; compared to my former way, and BS. Far less drama….far less self-loathing….far less hurt, and hurt-inducing properties.
I have taken all the things I’ve learned in life (usually the hard way); and I have finally decided, to use them to my benefit.
I can change my perspective and make peace with myself and others in my own time, now. I can let go of trauma that I harbor and carry; at my own pace, now. I can re-learn my ways of thinking to the way I feel best about myself; and not be afraid of others’ opinions, now. I can form healthy connections in my mind where it misfires, now. I can teach myself, now. I can learn from other people, and incorporate it into my life, now. I can find ways to form healthy connections with the world, and in my daily relationships with people, now. I can actively help others instead of hurting them, now. I can do what I say I’m going to do, now. I can stay sober, now. I can do the right thing, now. I can have confidence in myself, now. Some sort of integrity and pride in myself NOW.
I can ramble on a public blog about stuff that feels like only I care about; and not be afraid; or even care; that people won’t like me, now.
Those all are choices I make daily to do. It was always my choice to do. My life has always been…MY LIFE. Hard to accept that fact sometimes; but yes.
It’s not easy all the time at all; but effort is the answer to my life. NOT living like a victim to my mental issues, addictions, and problems.
Also; just for the record; as a side- thought…
I think it’s so ironic that “we” (including myself…I have said it too, and meant it at the time) expect people with mental disorders to feel any sort of value in themselves; when behind their backs or even on TV; Everywhere really… we call people with issues “crazy” or worse; and then treat them as if they don’t have one single brain in their head.
I started to think about my own negative ways of thinking about mental issues.
We pump people with mental issues full of synthetic drugs, and then blame them for needing the drugs. We make them feel as if they could never function normally without them.
It’s the main reason people’s issues generally escalate. There is a massive, world-wide stigma about how we can’t get better too. A victim mentality.
I know, because I was caught in it. Trapped in it.
It’s no wonder everyone seems so lost all the time…. Afraid to be themselves.
You buy into the BS….that’s what your life becomes.
I am NOT a victim anymore of anything….OR the world. I am NOT crazy.
I had to re-learn a lot of my ways of thinking, and realize how much I was missing out on by thinking I couldn’t change anything about the bad parts of myself.
The only thing you do; by living that way, and thinking that about yourself; is waste time NOT living; and being stuck in unhealthy cycles, that will always seem impossible to escape.
You hurt others with your negativity.
You hurt yourself.
Something in you, has to find a way to change.
It’s not about religion. It’s not about what people think of you.
It’s about what you think about yourself.
It’s about saving your own self, from a life-time of suffering and destruction….wasted time….
And making the choice to not buy in. Living life on life’s terms. Being the change, by doing what’s best for your soul….not being avictim to the bad things that happen in life. Not putting yourself and keeping yourself in the cycle.
I’d like to think that I’m on the good side of life now.
Yeah, I edited a Mother Theresa quote because I don’t fully agree with it; but so what?
I know I try to live consciously and truthfully; and without regret now.
I know I’ve rambled again; but I feel better too.
I know someone’s going to get what I’m saying; and others not at all….
It is the reason that people struggle with it…why I have struggled with it.
I don’t feel weak; but I do feel disgusted in too many things, to even talk about it with anyone.
I think that sometimes the reason why something hurts so bad; is because you know things will be different; and it is scary to think about change.
Also because you hate to lose valuable people, things, talk of common life goals, marriage…someone that will always be there when you need a friend.
I’m not wrong for not accepting intentional *deception…or not wanting it in my life.
What do I really lose; when there wasn’t anything solid to begin with? I thought it was solid or could become that way…but it wasn’t by a long shot.
Settling is not something I will do, to be with someone anymore. Hurting for their pleasure; or because of their denial, isn’t either.
I don’t have to be with someone to be whole…to pass time….to do my shit for me….with me.
I wanted it.
Those are two; totally different; things.
The next chapter of my life started yesterday.
I am perfectly single and not looking to mingle. I’m in a relationship with myself.
I’m good. I know this last one is over for good now.
Looking for an affordable apartment and car.
Hopefully things will start to make better sense; now that I’m free from daily disrespect; and the continual I love you’s that really only equate to nothing more than broken words and ZERO action to do anything but make me feel like I deserve to be treated, like I don’t matter.
I DO MATTER.
I could say so much more; but it’s not even worth it. It wont get me anywhere but wasting MORE time, on something that is not even real. Getting this crap out of me and moving on, is enough.
Moving on because I want to be truly healthy and happy……and not live in a relationship that is toxic and triggering…and full of deceit.
I’m glad I know my worth today.
I’m glad I’m sober and nuturing my broken, by staying that way.
Loving myself, because I know that I deserve it.
I also know it will get better, and that there are plenty of other fish in the sea.