Lately, it has been hard for me. I want to change things about myself that keep me scared about men, relationships and things I probably shouldn’t even be focusing on right now. I think it’s smart to admit that I am leary of trusting and fear putting faith and time into another relationship, in general.
In fact, whenever I think about being committed to someone else, I feel my self-worth and independence immediately start to protest, like it is headed out the front door and won’t be coming back again.
I never have been involved in a successful relationship.
It always starts out great, then as time goes on it turns into something I don’t even recognize anymore. The most severe forms of disfunction usually come out. I turn into a helpless shell of a person every time.
I can’t do that again.
I know damage and baggage from past relations isn’t fair to project onto any potential new one but at the same time, I cannot seem to get past these fears.
It is not as simple as pushing through it anyway, because I don’t feel I have the confidence to be able to be a good partner or lover even. My heart and head get confused and I don’t even want to deal with it.
I wish I could change these fears. Often I feel like I do not have anything else to offer anyone but friendship and hugs. It’s the safest route.
I’m too damaged to ruin anyone else or bring anyone else down due to my personal fears and demons.
So, I stay single. Because in theory, nothing can hurt me then. No man can hurt me then.
I need therapy for this particular problem.
I should feel upset by that.
Mostly I just feel annoyed that there is always the eventual pressures of “more” when I don’t want to give it, because I don’t know how to give it.
I push people I care about away because of it.
J. Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME