Free-writing. Not edited.

I’m terrified of going backwards.

Today I feel the ripping sting of the band-aid pulling away, and I am reminded that every, single struggle I go through hurts, but has some sort of purpose or lesson for my life.

Currently it’s just hurting, and I can’t find the purpose, so I’m just writing it out.

The frustration I feel is temporary and I know I should not feel ashamed for being upset about legit obsticals thrown in my way, so that other people can make money off of me, and take money from me.

It is a valid, very real frustration.

I also know that I can’t let my current struggles define my future, because it will engulf me and I won’t get through it very well that way at all.

I know the pressures I put on myself to succeed are directly fucking with my self-esteem right now, when I should know better, “by now.”

It is SO hard to have everything in you, but to feel helpless as to how to implement even the simplest things, because you can’t seem to get your basic life rolling to where it’s not a struggle financially.

Money pressure is the number one running anxiety in my life.

I am tired of feeling like I am drowning, when I work so hard to stay afloat.

I’m tired of being anxious about money. I’m tired of worrying if I will lose basic things I need to move forward, like my car. I’m tired of not being able to slow down for even one moment or I will not be able to pay for the things I’m responsible to pay for.

I’m tired of feeling like a spoiled brat bitching about first-world problems.

I’m tired.

Every ounce of peace I feel inside goes away when these feelings come on days like these.

If I didn’t already know that I will find a way through it somehow, I wouldn’t be writing this, I’d be drinking instead.

Instead I’m just wondering why I’m considering working a job for $9.50 an hour…when the lady next door who sells flowers out of her front yard makes way more than that and doesn’t even pay taxes.

Today I will be working in staying in the moment, busting my ass to find a job so that I can keep my life going and keep my car, and not being angry that I had to cry today to be able to admit that my past choices in life. are still haunting me to this day.

Btw, I quit smoking AGAIN. It was basically because I had no other option, and I’m even more tired of the way I have let it control my life for so long.

This will be cold turkey, and I’m sure I probably deserve it all.

*World’s tiniest violin.

I am grateful for my sister and her wisdom on the matter. I’m super glad to have blogged about it too, because now I have the mindset to move forward again, and stop being afraid that I cant do it.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

3 thoughts on “Free-writing. Not edited.

  1. Keep at it. Keep plugging away even if it means doing the $9.50 an hour job. But then, what choice right? You’ve made it this far. I have a feeling you’re going to do just fine…maybe not in the next day or so, but you will.

    And hey, Peaces, do something nice for yourself. It doesn’t have to be a big deal…you know, get a funny movie and some ice cream and kick back. Forget the b.s. and have a good laugh. You’re healthy. That’s ninety-five percent of success right there. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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