I’m sliding into a depression and I can feel myself trying not to.
One of the hardest things for me about being bipolar is that I can’t figure out why, out of the blue, my moods will change. I can’t figure out why sometimes I feel depressed when there is nothing happening that is that pressing to really cause it.
It feels like I’m whining, even when it’s true feelings inside me.
I hate it. I hate that I feel all over the place on some days….STILL. It keeps me from wanting to be around people. It holds me back from talking more to my kids as well.
It is hard to embrace anything that challenges me in a negative way, but especially something that I know that I can never change about myself.
Can’t I just feel happy?!
I know everybody has shit they go through and things they have to deal with.
I can just as easily choose to be happy.
Today I put on a brave face because I am actually two years sober today, and I have met a huge personal goal.
I mostly feel ashamed that I am feeling depressed, because I know I should be feeling happier.
I remember what it was like being a drunk. I know how hard I’ve worked for this sobriety and healing.
But for all realistic purposes, I am a work in progress that just wanted to go back to sleep this morning.
I’m forcing myself to go outside and to do whatever I have to do to distract myself away from my own negative thoughts.
I’m still happy that I am not on synthetic meds. I’m still grateful for my life even though sometimes I feel like I just waste it on this brain of mine.
Loving myself and telling myself I’m worth it anyways.
Worth it to myself anyway.
Focusing on being mindful.
Focusing on my breath and remembering that this too shall pass…and that I’m a pretty ok girl nowadays, despite.
I also only pushed the Grammarly edit buttons while typing this, so I have no idea at all how this reads.
Thanks for reading.
J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME