~Long Story Long~
As told by Jenni, because I was here and lived this life.
Most people say that I am intense.
I’m good with that.
What you should know about changing your life for the better is that it will not be easy.
Because it’s not.
You have to want to change. Not just say it. But mean it and then DO it.
If you really think I wouldn’t want to be able to drink “normally” with everyone else at wherever you’d be kidding yourself. It’d be easier to be “normal” in theory, right?
But here’s the thing.
I don’t fit the “normal” by a long shot.
I never have. I know this.
Especially with certain things.
I started drinking hard alcohol when I was 13 years old. It was a crutch that kept me sick for the majority of my life.
That’s why I don’t drink anymore. It’s also why I don’t like synthetic medications.
It kills me, and then I want to kill myself. That’s what it breaks down to for me.
I’ve had too many things lost to it. Things I never thought that I would lose. People….Time…money….jobs….parts of my soul…ALL LOST.
I want to live.
To be honest I’m sure your idea of “normal” and my idea of normal would probably differ on various accounts, and maybe drastically.
I’m good with that too.
Ok…it’s leading into something.
My point is, there will always be (in my life, in everyone’s life), the people that will say, “but she did this and she did that”. They will watch everything you do because they can’t. NOT. watch.
For different reasons, could be totally valid or not, they will judge you.
They will never respect you.
No matter what you do, who you help, how far you go in life.
It is not worth your effort to let these people take up any time in your head AT ALL.
If you want to make a genuine change you cannot think about these people’s opinions.
Especially in recovery.
People that cannot move forward with you, you have to leave behind.
In whatever form that looks like, for you personally.
They will catch up, or not. A lot of not.
You can’t worry about it.
Some people want to see you fail, not succeed.
It makes them feel better about themselves in some way.
You can’t be around people that don’t want to see you move forward in life.
That is toxic to your life.
It took me the better part of a lifetime to stop this cycle, and realize it for real.
To build better cycles, you have to build them yourself.
That means you have to actually build them.
Change is hard.
It gets easier too.
But you can only move forward with people that want to move forward with YOU.
Not everybody in life is going to like you.
You don’t like everyone, nor do I. It is the intent of a person that you always have to gauge and remember. Always.
I’m trying to be more kind. A better human. I like myself now. I like that I am me. It never used to be that way for me at all. For as long as I could remember.
I still have things that I struggle with inside. We all do.
Now, I personally think with my brain and then my heart.
I think it’s smart.
It used to be the reverse but I got burned WAY too many times to count. I burned myself mostly.
This is MY story.
Yours is YOURS.
Love yourself. Even if it hurts sometimes. It gets easier and it is worth the effort.
It becomes a way of life you can live. You build support of people who are healthy for your life. It becomes easier to walk away from negativity.
You rewire your own thinking really.
Less anxiety about life, more living life instead of hating it.
I’m living this change.
I don’t know. But I do. I don’t have a Doctors degree, I have a life of lessons learned the hard way.
I am trying to be the friend I never had growing up.
For me. For you.
I’m good with that too.
J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME