When I was all messed up and thinking that I was this or that, I was genuinely feeling like shit about my life every day and acting like nothing mattered, because I didn’t want it to… basically.
I masked my internal traumas with anything that would make me forget my life, and who and what I didn’t have in it.
Lots of alcohol, lots of pills, cocaine, speed, Men. Inappropriate sexual behavior that was highly damaging to my self-esteem. I even used food the wrong way. Anything to mask reality. I embarrassed and hurt my family and true friends, as well as myself. I put myself in dangerous situations that led to more negativity, abuse, and a road that was leading straight to my demise.
The whole point was to not feel; because I felt in my head, that I felt too much. I didn’t want to feel my pain. I felt as if it was better off for everyone, if I was not around. I killed myself and everyone around me slowly, and day-by-day.
To write my truths out loud is not easy for me. I do it because I know how lonely and helpless I felt, and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way, ever. I do it to keep myself moving forward; and to move forward for me, means making amends with my past.
I am doing just that now, on a daily basis.
I cringe a lot and shake my head, because I literally do not know the person I used to be, or really who she even was. It was me living and breathing, but I was a living-dead girl for sure, and I couldn’t tell you anything that would be closer to the truth.
Many already know my story, because they saw it unfold on social media and in real life as well.
By repeating the same unhealthy cycles, and then, in the end, trying to space out the unhealthy cycles so they didn’t seem so bad; well all I did was make my issues much worse.
It was for most of my life, the only kind of life that I felt I deserved. I nutured the broken parts of me with negativity and hate.
This is what addicts/ alcoholics are best at. Reasoning with toxic thoughts and situations that are not reasonable, realistic or healthy in the slightest. Pushing away anyone that disrupts their seeking and consumption of their drug of choice. Staying in denial until it becomes apparent that there is NO other option but to die, or to CHANGE.
I wanted to die for SO long.
For me, it was a culmination of past traumas, loss, regret, shame, and having negative influences and people in and around my life, who promoted the negativity I chose to live in, and the mental issues and negativity that naturally resided within me.
I say chose to live in, because at the end of the day, it WAS MY choice. Nobody kept me in the cycle, or forced me to continue it. Sure, there were people that made it worse for me; but I wasn’t making the right choices in life at all, and nobody twisted my arm to keep me drinking and train-wrecking through life but ME.
I did that.
That’s the reality of it. That’s my truth. That’s the thing that I didn’t want to see for so long, but always knew.
I wish I could relate to people, just how much admitting your truth to yourself can ultimately set you on a course to wellness.
I also know that you cannot reach an alcoholic/addict, until they want to be reached.
I started to change slowly; and what started out as baby steps, turned into a full-on march forward.
One thing I realized is that a lot of people didn’t want to see me change, because then they could no longer point the finger at me.
These are the people that are no longer in my life.
Change is hard, but fully possible depending on how honest you want to get with yourself. You know when you are lying to yourself.
With the help of the people in my life that never left me, and the desire to be the person I was meant to be; I found the strength inside me, to reach out for help, and start moving forward.
The choice was mine to make; noone else’s.
You ALWAYS have a choice to change for the better.
I chose to focus on living, instead of dying; and that has made ALL the difference.
It is not always easy, but that is how life goes sometimes. I can tell you that I feel much more calm inside, and much more hopeful about my future. I chose to break my own unhealthy cycles to save my life, because I know I was meant for more than self-sabotage, and a life cut short. So are you.
I hope that if you are tired of living in the same unhealthy cycles, repeating the same unhealthy cycles you are living in, you will take into consideration the choices you are making for your life, and make the choice to change, and make better ones.
I am one year, seven months, and sixteen days sober; and I started at day ONE.
J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME