Sometimes I get SO frustrated that I literally want to implode into nothing, and disappear.
The feelings and anxiety and depression are REAL.
I made myself a promise a little over a year ago, that no matter what else happened in my life, I would not ever go the route of suicide or consider it ever again.
I still have the thoughts sometimes…and it feels like I can’t help it.
I will never kill myself because I know that that will solve nothing.
It will only make it worse.
I think it’s sad that I fucked my life up so bad, and put myself into everyone and everything, but me.
I’m so ashamed of my life.
At the end of the day, I’m alone.
At the end of the day, there is no one here to catch me when I fall or anyone that even wants to.
I wouldn’t let anyone get close enough anyways.
At the end of the day, I’m a 47-year-old woman with a minimum wage job and scattered college courses that can’t even be put together into a degree. I have mental issues which have peaks and valleys.
It pisses me off that I could go out and be a whore and make all the cash I need, but I can’t make enough money doing something legit because I don’t have obviously “what it takes.”
I work my ass off at work because it makes me feel like I’m someone.
I’m afraid to find another job because I’m afraid I’ll mess my life up again, and it will be the wrong move.
I also love my job.
I can’t depend on income from odd jobs at all. It always falls through no matter how patient or flexible I am.
I don’t know enough people. I don’t have the schedule flexibility to work enough at another job.
I wanted to do so many things with my art and photography and writing; but I just feel like it doesn’t even matter anymore.
I depend on my ex-boyfriend for things….still.
I fucking HATE it, even though there’s a part of me that sometimes feels like he owes me the help.
I know it’s wrong to feel like that even though I do, and maybe there’s truth in it to feel that way, but maybe there’s not. I don’t know.
I do know that he came across town to bring me cigarettes when he didn’t even feel good and now I feel like shit. I’m also pissed off that I’ve spent so much money on that disgusting habit too.
Can I stop. NO. Still smoking.
I get SO frustrated about all of it, that all I can do is cry to relieve the stress.
It is really all I can do some days to pull myself out of my pity party reality and stay motivated enough to move on to the next day.
I cannot describe the emptiness and loneliness that depression is for me, but I do know it is directly correlated to whatever is going on in my life at the time.
Money is the issue, and has been for some time now. I cannot over- extend myself any further, on anything.
At this time, I have no other option left but to find a job that will support me fully.
No other option.
I think it’s going to be a really fucking miserable Winter too.
And that’s how my depression is making me feel, and how I feel right this moment.
“This too shall pass”, but my patience with myself and the universe is completely gone in THIS day.
I’m going to bed because I have a headache, and I have to work at 6:15 tomorrow and “people”.
It would be amazing if I got my review tomorrow, and I could at least be making ten bucks by the end of it.
I already know that’s not going to happen, and really that’s so pathetic to even be saying.
Ten bucks an hour isn’t shit in the world of today.
I feel like I’m never going to be financially stable.
And it makes me literally sick.
I feel like my whole life has meant nothing, and I do not know why I am here.
I am one year, five months, and thirty days sober.
I’m trying to love myself by writing out loud and saving my life through purging the negative thoughts.
Thank you for reading.