The struggle is real.

Some changes are coming for me in my life again.

I’m no longer content to sit back and let other things and people dictate the course and direction my life will take.

I don’t care what I have to do to get to the next level of having to not worry every single day about money; as long as it’s legit and will afford me the opportunity to better my life, and not just struggle through it like I have been doing.

I shouldn’t have to work almost every day, all day long and struggle to maintain a basic life and food.

They want me off of SSI, saying that I’m potentially “not mental” anymore because I’m working (because you can magically become un-bipolar I guess), and I can’t even support myself on the full-time job I have.

That in itself is completely ridiculous, considering how hard I work every day and the fact that I don’t live an extravagant lifestyle at all.

They also have NO idea what my head is every day either.

I’ll give up the SSI because I don’t want to be on it anyway, that’s not really the point. I could go on about that whole situation, but that’s another blog.

The point is; I could sit back, be all pumped up on synthetic meds. and fucked up on alcohol and drugs, wasting my life away being mental…

And be in the exact same financial position that I am in now, working full-time.

No joke.

What the fuck is wrong with this picture?!

My only incentive is not wanting to be that person. That’s it.

The fact that I could not survive financially without my ex-boyfriend’s help makes me want to kick bricks.

I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to find just “one job” that will be good for me, that I can live on.

Seeking out opportunities is not something I’m good at.I have to make it work, and start seeking anyways.

This job I have is not working for me financially, and there is no room for growth there for me. I don’t have the resources to work for myself.

I’m just rambling right now because I’m highly frustrated.

I’m 47 years old and have struggled my whole life.

At what point does the struggle become worth it, because I’m worried about keeping my electricity on and my two childrens Birthdays this month, and that has nothing to do with any kind of future savings, retirement, or debt I owe for my school loans, so aren’t I just fucked.

The highlights of my day are that I’m actually confirmed nearsighted, and my insurance will help me with glasses. I might not even have insurance next month, who knows….so I’m grateful anyways for that.

I’m also sober. One year, five months, and nineteen days. I’m grateful.

I’m grateful that my ex tries to help me when he can.

But that’s getting really old for both of us.

I’m going to bed now and re-set my shitty mood.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who struggles. I am sure that I am the only one who lives my life though.

And it’s still not working the way I need it to yet.

Changes are coming and well needed.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

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