I get tired of working so hard to remain positive; only to have it overcome by anger and PTSD symptoms…when I feel like I’m being attacked or put down; for no reason at all.
It is hard. It is frustrating, sometimes it feels hopeless; like I’ll never be able to self-regulate emotional-wise.
For me it is a very REAL, and scary thought. It makes me angry. It makes me angry that people know I struggle; and try to make it worse on purpose; and pretend like they don’t.
I have a really big issue; with people that have hurt me in the past, to infinite extremes; that come back around to try to be chummy with me. It always ends up with them saying in the end; that it IS ME who is the one with the problem…when I’m not saying what they want to hear, or acting happy to talk to them.
No. It’s not my problem.
The issue is that you hurt me; and you are not happy that I’m not happy about it…and you are trying to make me feel like I should be Ok, with still talking to you….when I’m not. Not that I am doing something to you; or am being any certain kind of way.
I can’t count the times people have done this shit to me. It has happened more in my life; than I can even put my finger on.
It happened tonight.
People wonder why I get so ruthless with my words and attitude at times…. Really?
In fact, I can guarantee almost every, single time…that whoever the person is who has hurt me; will come back to try to do it again, in some form.
It’s almost a given.
It is hard to remain positive; when I literally don’t have to do anything; to be accused of doing something. When I’ve done nothing in the first place to deserve any of the BS….and I’m still getting BS, for not being able to , or wanting to deal with YOURS.
I’m not the one who decided that I wasn’t worth anything.
I’m not the one who screwed me over.
That was your choice; and is now your issue…not mine.
I know that.
Thats why I have no tolerance for it anymore.
You should all realize that I’m going to be happy; if it kills you or any other person who ever said they cared about me; but really didn’t at all.
I hope you know that you cant stop me from being ME.
Leave me alone. All of you fucking assholes from my past.
I do not need or want to deal with any of you.
Stop coming around trying to act like we are friends.
Stop texting and then saying I’m being a certain way towards you.
Ask yourself why instead….and don’t text.
Respect my personal boundaries.
I don’t need or want to be friends with anyone who treats me, or has treated me like I don’t matter.
That’s a personal protection choice for ME….because I have to value my OWN self; and because I DO MATTER.
There would be a difference if I felt like any of you were genuinely sorry.
But you’re not.
You genuinely enjoyed watching me suffer; and so I genuinely have no desire to have you in my life in any way.
This should not be hard to understand.
And to T…what you can do; is stick to the agreement we have. You owe me that much at least.
I don’t need to be your friend; because you toyed with my life; and then blamed me for it.
Friendship isn’t possible anymore.
Btw, I am checking into a therapy called EMDR. It has been studied and proven to dramatically reduce PTSD symptoms….sometimes reversing it all together.
I hope I can get this treatment so much. I need it.
I’m not giving up hope; that some day I will only have people around me that love me for me; and won’t hurt me just because they can.
I hope to be around people who won’t want to hurt me.
I am also not giving up hope; that I can reverse more of this damage in me, until I am free of it.
For now, I’m just glad that I’m sober; and that I’m not afraid to write my life out loud.
I’m not afraid of it at all; because I know someone out there; has got to understand where I’m coming from.
And that’s the point. To reach those people…and to heal one day at a time.
J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME