I feel like it’s ok to run in a pack of one.
And so I do again.
I’m not getting any younger; and that’s why I think it’s important to have quality over quantity, at this point in life. I’m sure I’ve written that before. I say it a lot.
I admit that I have trust issues. It’s because I didn’t get the things I needed emotionally speaking, growing up. That was the base.
It made a mark on me; and I am sorry.
I poured myself into all kinds of things and people that didn’t matter in the end, throughout my life; because most of those things and people brought a lot of hurt as well for me. Tons of lessons.
It did matter. And does matter that I was hurt each time. No matter how much it shouldn’t, according to whoever; it still will matter to ME.
My whole life has been confusing, and lately; I’ve just been thinking a lot about life.
I’ve got to get out more; and do more things.
I need to get into therapy and learn how to be less emotional. Stop caring about people that don’t care. Stop harboring.
I can’t do anything if I don’t do it; and so I’m writing this to remind myself that I have to stop thinking so much, because it stops me from doing.
By now, im almost 47. I’m smart enough to make smart decisions.
So I just have to make them.
I guess I know I made the wrong choices in the past. But I also feel a lot of people took advantage of the way I was as a person. The problem with me is that I trust people too much; I always have.
I want to believe that people won’t hurt me. But they usually do; and don’t care at all.
This is why I don’t people.
And I’m trying to get past that; so I can people again.
It’s the hardest thing for me to trust you. When I do; it means I won’t ever again if you spite me.
I don’t know how I can change that fact about me.
I’ve had so many people straight up lie to me in my life; and then talk shit about me like I deserved it. I literally cannot even give you the numbers. A lot.
I’m trying to get back to the point in my head; before I knew how people really were, for the most part.
People call me a bitch all the time; because I will not put up with dishonesty from people anymore.
And I’m not nice when you betray me. I don’t want to be nice.
Just like you wouldn’t want to be.
What is the difference between you and me.
So yeah, I just want to have someone talk me down. Help with my anxiety by teaching me skills, I obviously don’t have.
I guess next is therapy for me; but it kind of pisses me off that I need it again.
I just don’t trust anyone right now; and so I’ll have to pay someone to listen….because I need some reasoning from a third, non-involved party.
I haven’t read this back, so I’m sure I’m just running on at the mouth;
But it wouldn’t be the first time at all; that a thought I had, got out of control.
J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME