I know that I do not want to waste time on negativity and feeling upset inside.
Even though I do not feel positive all of the time, every day; I can still consciously shift my shitty mood to positive; by not dwelling on stuff; that’ll do nothing but pollute my head with things that don’t need to be there.
Thinking positive thoughts helps me feel more positive. If I tell myself all of the negative, outlandish, worst-case scenarios all the time…well, I know for a fact that that’s not living to my full potential.
I’m being true to myself today.
I’m thinking rationally about most situations now. Delaying my reaction time to things. I still need to work on myself, and parts of me that make me anxious and angry though. It doesn’t help anything, or anyone.
I’ve been looking into some behavioral therapies that I’ve been discussing with my best friend. They are nothing like all the “talking about nothing that matters” therapies, that I’ve had before. I need to learn ways to remain chill; when I feel like punching someone. I don’t like the build up of anxiety I feel sometimes. Hopefully with some effort, I can find a decent place that I can afford; that is not hooked up to these Medicade related places I’ve been to every other time. I feel like most medicaid-related help involves, just wanting you in the system; and on the meds so they can make their money. It’s not because they actually care about me being well and being happy.
It still amazes me how Doctors look at me like I’m nuts; for not wanting to hook myself on synthetics to “normalize” again. I still don’t care what other people say about it at all. Maybe THIS, IS my Normal.
I DO hope to find a genuine therapist; who’s primary mission is to help people heal the traumas they carry within them.
It is naive to think that I would have a long-term understanding of myself at this point….because let’s face it; I’m STILL on a journey to parts of myself that I’ve never even known before.
I only know that I will get there; some how; some way.
And yeah; I’m THAT passionate about it. It matters that I feel at peace in this world. It matters that I stay “Jenni” in the process.
“I think it’s ok to admit that some parts of our lives don’t always make sense at the moment we need them to.”
I also think that’s what doing the work is all about.
Learning patience when you’ve never had any; is a skill that’ll help you out too…if you can make yourself focus long enough to actually do it.
It takes practice. I practice every day. I fail almost every day; in some regard; too.
It’s mostly uncomfortable; with pivitol moments that allow me to feel as if I was made for something more than what I’ve been doing; and putting out more good things to the people I love; and the world.
I’d like a more continual, peaceful vibe from me; going out into the world.
I really don’t care about anything else; but increasing my truly peaceful moments in life.
The parts where I KNOW I have this; instead of the telling myself that I have it…. until I believe it.
It’s getting better and better every day.
Learning to embrace the fact that I don’t have everything all figured out; is a HUGE step in moving forward daily; and allows me to take the time I need to do it properly and effectively.
I’m actually putting in effort where there was none before really….regarding my life; so………
When I get to feeling too frustrated about whatever it may be, or whomever it may be; I try my hardest to turn inward; and focus on the negative parts about myself that I can work on instead. I know eventually, I’ll be able to figure out what to do, about the areas of “what the actual fuck”, in my life; if I keep to this system.
There are things to still be grateful for, after all.