Is it in me to see my ways; to embrace the good ones, and systemically purge the bad ways that hold me down?
I am trying.
At first I didn’t want to; because I thought it was too hard. I was scared to let go.
I am sober today for 11 months, and 27 days. I’m not so scared anymore.
It’s hard to believe that it will be a year sober in just days.
The thought drifts in, then is pushed away; because it’s today.
I will be happy on that day. for sure. But lets just stick with today first…ok?
It is a way of life now for me.
I still see alcohol and have the memories of drinking it, but it goes away without much effort; and with common sense.
I think of the lives I affected. I think of my life, that I almost gave up; and the desperation that drinking made me personally feel.
All of the unsafe situations I put others in.
All of the things that could have been prevented, had I cared about myself.
It keeps me safe…those disturbing thoughts keep me safe. They may be triggers to some.
I know I don’t ever want to be responsible for hurting anyone else ever, over my desire to destroy myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt myself.
I don’t ever want to feel that kind of desperation again.
I know that I have to keep telling it to myself every time my brain wants to trick me.
My desire to destroy myself has in this day; left the building. It’s no longer welcomed in my daily life.
I am changing every day for the better, because I look and work for the solutions now…and I don’t think I know all the answers…I know I don’t.
I’m not giving up, and will succeed with my goals; because it’s what I owe myself.
It is a mission to listen and grow, and learn patience with others, and with myself most of all. That self-destructive ship has not only sailed; but I know for a fact that it was burning when it left…the ashes still fall.
Today I can love myself by staying sober. So that’s what I’m going to do.
Love yourself too please.
I do believe with everything that is me; that it is the only way to truly become a peaceful person in general. It teaches you how to give; instead of take.
J. Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME