Hurting inside, and needing it to stop.

I’m just glad I’m in a spot in my life that I know what I need, and what I don’t need.

It will suck to break the comfortable feeling of believing I had a person who wanted to be beside me forever.

We had plans together. We made tentative business plans and everything. We have a dual bank account ffs.

But it is worse to feel alone when you are with somebody, more than anything else…and that’s what I’ve been feeling for months now.

I have tried. I have tried to look past the betrayals, lies, insults about how I am because I don’t trust, all of it.

You know why I don’t trust you. The fact that you act like you don’t know why is infuriating to me. You’ve never been fully honest with me about you, and who you are.

Never…and I sleep beside you every night.

Money doesn’t matter to me. Stuff doesn’t matter to me. My time and love and attention and loyalty, and effort does though, because it’s something that I don’t give to every person, OR freely.

I expect the same in return.

When it is openly walked on, it makes me want to kick in heads.

When someone tries to invalidate my pain that they caused me; it is almost unbearable at points.

I feel like I don’t know you anymore, and that I never really did.

And I know it’s because you’re not the man I fell in love with..you never were.

You just want to be that man, but won’t take the steps to become him fully.

I’m writing about it in hopes this feeling will leave me.

Because it feels like I’m weak; and I know I’m not.

I’m just feeling hurt because I feel mad at myself for trusting someone I shouldn’t have. I feel mad for believing that I was important enough to fight for, when I knew that I really wasn’t.

I wanted to believe you.

And you let me down every, single time for things you knew would destroy us.

Why am I not worth your love?

Because I know the truth now, and I won’t let you live in your sickness.

That’s not good enough for me, and it never will be.

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