I was very anxious and also nervous to see my kids this last Saturday. When I saw them… all that left me.
I became elated.
Sitting there with them in those first moments; when I actually was faced with the realization of just how much I had missed out on these last years without them; I automatically began to feel so small and unworthy of their love; also ashamed of myself. There are no words for it…
I know that feeling will take time to go away; and I had to push it aside and focus…but it’s still there. As it should be, maybe…I don’t know. I struggle with it.
My kids are as beautiful and amazing as I remember. It was the very best thing to see them. I needed to be present; to talk with them and hug them. I needed to make that effort to show I could be…and can be there, when I say I will be. In the past I have made promises that I could not keep. That is over now.
I know it was just one visit, and that I have a long way to go. I know that things are not the same anymore, and that none of us can get the time back ….but it is a start of better things to come…I am sure of it. Also a huge goal for myself that I have met…a first step of being there for them.
My kids and I spent time together; and we laughed 🙂 I got to give them their gifts from the holidays; it was nice to see them open them in person. We bowled, ate and played video games, and laughed some more.
It was a good time.
If I’m being totally honest, then it makes sense to tell you this as well. It was awkward for me at points, because I tend to over think things a lot; and I think for me, that was really the reason for that feeling. I want to be positive around my children you see; and always if I can manage the very highest percentage of that. I try to put myself in my kids minds sometimes…but I know that it’s not smart to do so much…because my guilt comes again…and it makes it hard to focus on the moment. Also not going to help me be Jenni today.
I guess it’s to be expected for a while…that I’d do that, though. Guilt can kill you, but it’s way worse when it’s guilt about your present. I don’t have guilt at all about my present self. I am grateful for the fact that I can feel again. I wish I could stop the feelings of the past that pop up though; quicker; until it goes away for good, because it sucks to replay in your head. Maybe that is selfish, but I can’t be positive when I feel like I’m shit. It’s unhealthy to dwell on the negative past too; because it cannot be changed. I tell myself that.
Geez….what am I going to do with you Jenni.
It’s strange to see my children growing so fast; and it is hard to get the memories of when they were younger into proper focus sometimes. That was then; and this is indeed now. They are both so kind and smart; beautiful and handsome; both amazing kids, growing into amazing bigger ones. 🙂
It was really a sight for sore eyes, and very comforting to me…despite my fleeting thoughts of guilt.
I have made a promise to myself, to make sure I never let them down again. I cannot. That is a solid commitment that I can only fulfill with my actions, and by remaining sober…and I will; doing it day by day….like today; I will make that choice to live.
I’m dying if I drink again….I don’t want to drink…. It ruins everything, every time. That is a fact for me, and you can definitely agree, based on my BS track record.
I don’t know, but…..
I feel as if my entire life came to a head when I had to say goodbye. I tried not to cry, but I couldn’t help it.
I hope they will forgive me for that….sometimes it just comes out.
In the future, I will either be moving back to Michigan, or somewhere way closer to Michigan. I want and need to be there for my kids in whatever capacity I can, and that they want or need me to be. I do not know what that will be; but I will be there for them regardless, and none the less…by being able to physically see them more, if that is something the future holds.
I owe them that. I want to be there. I wasn’t…but I can be now.
Although I do think it was a good thing that I left Michigan; I don’t think the way I did it, or the circumstances surrounding my move; did anything but cause a huge rift, that is not repairable.
I hope that new, good memories, and my solid commitment to be well; can replace the bad ones, until they sink to the bottom and get lost.
My kids will always be my kids; and I hope now that they see me well, they will start to realize that I am different than when I was sick, and want to know me again.
That’s my hope.
I’m just going to continue to call them, and decide about what would be best with everything else, as it comes. I’m trying not to be overly dramatic about everything, because I know that it’ll just make things more confusing for everyone.
It is a very emotional time for me right now though.
I appreciate my ex for being so respectful towards me; and for him and his wife allowing me the opportunity to see my children; because they didn’t have to.
I know it’s because I am backing up my words with actual positive actions now…and also that that’s the way it SHOULD have been all along.
People CAN change for the better, if they really want to.
I thank you both for giving me a chance to prove it to my kids… because it means more than I can tell you.
My kids are happy and thriving, and I count my blessings every day to know this.
This is the first chapter in a road of twists and turns with them I’m sure…but I can’t say enough how much seeing them, made me know that I’m on the right path in my life. I knew that before; but it was re-affirming. I know it’s not going to always be easy; but I am moving forward.
I owe it to my kids (all 4), to continue. I owe it to myself. I owe it to my family. I owe it to my true friends, and anybody that ever looked up to me.
I am 9 months and 16 days sober; and every day that I am alive is a gift, and a chance to make a positive difference in the world.
I know this; and I finally feel like it’s all possible. It’s nothing without my children, and it’s nothing without my sobriety and the truth of life.
This I know for sure.
Whatever happens from here on out, is directly hooked into these three things. My direct efforts are going into them…because to me, it’s the only thing that matters to me at this point.
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME