There are moments in time that I look back on; and I am grateful that my life has moved on; and that time does indeed heal old wounds.
It’s not so much that they have healed, per say. I guess it’s just more of an acceptance that it cannot be changed, no matter how much I would like to change it, or erase it.
In very many circumstances I am glad for that, because I don’t want to go back in time at all. It totally sucked. Changing it wouldn’t be right, or true anyways.
There ARE things I wish I didn’t know, about the world; and myself as well. It was way easier to live unaware of them and denying; although my gut always made me unblissfully “aware” anyways somehow…and then my OCD took over until I found out for sure, every single time.
All it took was time. Sometimes, lots of it.
That’s just how I am.
I have spent my life consciously and unconsciously ignoring and tricking myself into many things; until I couldn’t anymore…and I was forced to find out and realize the truth…start living life, on life’s terms…and save myself.
My truth generally hurts.
The accepting part doesn’t go so well with my brain. I’ve had PTSD for years, before finally being diagnosed formally three years ago. That was something that I became in the end, grateful for; because it explained a lot to me really, about the way I am…and how I could manage myself and my symptoms. Got me to thinking about my future.
I struggle a lot in the world of today, because I don’t like the way the world runs; and the fact that the world is pre-occupied with everything sexual, easy, and fake.
I got sucked into that world.
I have put myself out there on the internet in the past, for everyone to see…and they did. It was on selected sites, and then it eventually became Facebook groups.
Because of it; it led to a divorce; people cyberstalking me; hacking me; physical, verbal and emotional abuse; rape; people doing illegal things with my images and videos all over the internet. Slander of every form. Death threats. Blackmail. Extortion threats. (that one was ridiculous). My images were sent to my family members, and illegally posted on my own Facebook page…and everyone saw it all.
Yeah, I’m glad time has moved on from that. To this day there is a scar on my psyche from it all, that can be quite hard to bear.
It’s the opposite side of a success story, that felt in the end, more like a daily death sentence…and it was no fun living it, in any way.
It was traumatizing because a lot of the abuse was done by people I used to trust and care about.
It was traumatizing, because I did it to myself; if you want to get really technical about it. I had already posted other compromising pictures of myself in the past. I lived in the behavior for a long time too; up until about three years ago…as far as the recent past goes, and really off and on my entire life.
I very well could have done a million different things in the porn industry throughout my life, and have been offered on many occasions, legit work for money, that I would not do. It was just not something I wanted to be in.
It is not a good feeling, when people try to bribe you with money, to try to get you to compromise yourself in unsafe ways. I was already compromising myself enough…and you’d think, I would have “grown up”, quicker.
I started to think about it all tonight.
Every day I give myself credit for those bad decisions that I did not make; because they were very wise ones.
I think it was something of Devine intervention in those cases, that I am not further recouping from my nonsense regarding my “porn phase”.
For what people do know of it though… It’s enough, and too much.
I compromised my body in various ways for many things in the past, and it is not a good thing to have to admit; but it could have been something way worse, and way more no coming back from, than it has been for me.
I have to look at it that way.
I do not know why I did some of the things I did. I only know that I was out of control; in personal relationships that were not happy, and abusive emotionally; and I was also in active addiction off and on; trying to hide it. I felt like, sex was all anybody wanted from me; and the attention I got from it, FED my damage, my addictions… my pocketbook, and the way I felt about myself.
I hated everything that was me.
My worst point was in 2013. I was actively hustling, prostituting, and compromising myself for four months.
I did it for drugs and money.
I wanted to die, every day.
Every day, I wished I could stop.
I think in my case, it was a cry for help. I also think most people that knew me around that time; knew. Those people couldn’t and wouldn’t help me…because I was not helping myself. I was desperately wanting stability (in my head and life); but what it really ended up being, was attention from anyone or anything; because I was completely lost and damaged. My whole life had been a vicious cycle. I was going to die soon…mainly kill myself straight out.
It really kills me to admit that. But I hope it will help someone…because I know I’m not the only one.
I was desperate for love, and I latched on to anyone that I thought would give it to me…
And it was a sick existence.
It was like a drug….fully. the whole behavior.
The people in the hustling world, that did help me… they always wanted something that I did not want to give. It was not “help” at all. They promised me money, drugs, friendship, love… they told me anything I wanted to hear…And THAT’S how I got sucked in, in the first place.
And that’s how it always goes.
All of the people I dealt with; they never cared at all…not one of them. They just wanted to fulfill their own needs…escape from their reality, through me.
For a long time, it was like a game I played with myself…even though I knew all along, that I was the only one that was losing.
Pieces of me every day.
I still have a hard time accepting it…. I look back on suicide videos and recordings that I have made; and it reminds me of how far I’ve come…and how bad I WAS.
I will never allow myself to feel that despair, or live in it, ever again.
It’s easy to compromise yourself, when you are emotionally numb. It’s easy to hustle. Anyone that has ever been in the position will tell you so…if you really want to…it’s go time.
It doesn’t make it right.
Then you have to look in the mirror at yourself and know what you’ve done. You have to live within yourself.
It’s not so easy.
Here comes the vices to numb the feelings further; hence the cycle.
I have come SO close to killing myself because of my personal failures to myself; that I don’t even want to say it.
Many, many, many, many, many times, I have thought about what it would be like, to just stop it all. I have tried four times in my life to actually do it.
And that’s what people don’t know. They were not there when I was standing on my roommates car in the garage, with a rope around my neck; nor where they there when I considered jumping off the overpass…my pill OD…none of it.
I was alone, and I was hopeless.
I made myself ask for help; because I simply could not give in; OR destroy the people I love, any further.
I didn’t want to actually die; I just wanted the mental pain to go away.
Sounds familiar, because it is; and a more than common running theme in most people with depression, mental disorders, and addiction. The feelings can manifest in many different ways; and are never good.
Asking for help changed my life. It gave me the skills I needed, to become less afraid of the things that were actually going on in my life; and it gave me the courage to change them.
I can never take back all of the things that I have done in my life, that make me a horrible person, to the average “normal” one…whatever that is.
I can only say that I spent years of my life trying to recoup my self-esteem and mind from it all; and now I only put out images of myself that are not images that I’d be ashamed of, in any way. I don’t compromise my body like that anymore; and NEVER will again.
The scars remain though.
Today, I am a photography major; and I hope that some day I can look back on the images that I have taken today, with great pride. I hope I will find it in me to share my work in the future; because I have a lot of great ideas, that I’d like to bring to fruition…and some I already have.
I am an artist, and always have been one and will be. Those are the images I want to be known for, not the others.
I live with integrity and honesty now; because I want to be remembered for who I am as a person, and what I did for the world; not the mistakes I’ve made in my life, or the damage that I’ve carried from the past.
Today is today; not yesterday.
The other pictures that I am not so proud of, will eventually resurface again some day; and I know this.
But we all have pasts and skeletons..don’t we.
This is mine. Not so much of a skeleton anymore.
My advice to anyone really; and any female especially, is to consider your future self. Love yourself enough to know, that you don’t need to do that kind of thing for attention or love…or drugs.
It’s a hollow kind of attention; its a hollow kind of existence… and it does not fill the void in any way…only masks it. No amount of that kind of attention can save you, and that is a fact.
Do not trust that the images you put out into the cyberworld, to not show up where you least expect it, and don’t want them to…
Because they will EVERY time.
There are a lot of people in the world, who will take any opportunity they can, to use you; betray you; and hurt you for sport…and monetary gain or complete selfishness. They prey on broken, desperate people…and always pose as friends who want to help, or say they love you.
You always find out TOO late, that that’s NOT the case…and then you can’t go back.
Don’t be one of those people, like I was.
I wish that I would have considered my actions more wisely. I had no idea about the extent of the ramifications that it would bring to me; all of it. It’s also embarrassing still on a small level…but what can you do, but not do it again.
It’s changed my view of everything I’ve ever known or thought about how the world really is.
It’s a shady place, with sun in some areas.
I prefer the sun today.
I am SO glad, that I finally asked for help, and started seeking true friendships and support from people who never gave up on me; and truly cared for me.
It’s one of the reasons I’m able to write this publicly…and why I am still here on this earth.
It’s one of the reasons I’ve found it in me, to love myself again.
Mental disease has many different facets to it, most times. Living in a world of darkness alone is really hard too. I remember not being able to see, any shred of light at all; until I started remembering that in the end, no one else is responsible for my life, but ME.
I know I had help in realizing that. Always I’ll be grateful.
So even though I had to trainwreck through my entire life, I’m proud of myself today; and of every, single, little thing and piece of myself that I have managed to find and discover so far; because I have fought for it…and it IS ME who has done the work to get better. No one can take that away from me.
I know that I’m not the only one who’s been through this ride either.
For me, it has been MORE than a struggle; it has turned into a life-changing quest to never give up, give in, or compromise myself like that again….EVER.
Daily, I remind myself, that it’s OK to forgive myself, and to live with integrity today…because that’s what I can do for myself and the people I love.
This is a piece of me, that I have finally made peace with. I’m not ashamed of it anymore.
I appreciate every single person in my life that values me for who I am…still.
I hope this helps to put some things in perspective, and that it helps someone to be smarter about the choices they are making for themselves.
I hope it will help someone to forgive themself too; because we all have parts of us that we hide, and we can’t make peace with them until we do forgive ourselves….and stop the hiding.
Where there is courage, there is hope; and with hope, all things become possible. I believe it because it’s true.
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME