A Mother’s Regret.

My eldest daughter will be 29, at the end of this month.

THAT is CRAZY.

She is surely one of the brightest and most beautiful people you will ever meet; and I am grateful every day that she turned out to be so level-headed and smart…despite having someone like me, for a mother.

It’s true; that was not a “poor me, feel bad for me”, statement.

My truth hurts me MOST of the time…because I chose to put a lot of things in front of what I should have done…for most of my life.

I haven’t allowed myself to fully feel the thoughts of how much I was not there for my first born, when she was growing up.  I love her SO much, that it’s hard for me to think about how much I missed out on by choice, how much that must have hurt her, and how much I know I’ve let her down, when it counted.

I was not there for her when she was little, not really. Not like I should have been, at all. 

I was more of a visiting friend…and it wasn’t consistent, or of much quality. She was not yet a year old, when I left my mother’s house. She didn’t come to live with me full-time until the age of 13, and by 16, she was living with her father.

I think that one of the hardest parts for me about being sober, is that all of the parts that I was trying to kill with substance, come seeping back in through the cracks; like an octopus that is systematically creeping through a crevis five times too small for it’s body.

I sometimes think that what hell really is… is the pain you have to suffer through, when you are alive on this Earth.

It sucks to know that I hurt my daughter emotionally. 

How and why, is a story of it’s own…that maybe I can manage to get fully down on paper some day.

I was texting with my daughter yesterday; and she thanked me for continuing to reach out to her. 

All I could do was to reassure her that I was there if she needed me. 

All I can do today, is to prove it to her by being consistent with love and support when she needs me, and otherwise always.

I tried to stay away from her for a long time, because I was ashamed of myself, my selfish ways, and I didn’t want to screw her up. 

I wish I would have had the support to believe in myself, and that I could have been a good mother to her; because I think I could have been. 

The truth is, my mother had me believing that I couldn’t do much of anything but fail, by the time she kicked me out, and I left the house…a month before my 18th birthday.

Another truth.

When your mother says “I will call the cops if you take that baby…”

Let’s just say if I would have been smart, I would have believed that I could have been a good mother to her. 

I would have found a way to be, the mother I should have been, because I would have known that I could do it…

And I would have, TAKEN MY OWN BABY with me.

I love my mother, but I wish she knew sometimes, how much I wish I could have been my daughters mother, instead of her. 

I’ve struggled with this, for almost 30 years now.

I hope that some day, I can truthfully talk to my daughter about that time..because mostly my goal is to LISTEN.

I’m proud of my daughter, and the woman she is. 

I hope she always knows it. 

I’m glad she was raised to always believe in herself no matter what; because I think it’s made all the difference. 

I have more to say about it, but not today.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

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