For a long time, I guess I was “whiny”. You always look back on yourself, and most times I’m like “Wtf Jen, you were really stupid, and are.”
Every day I play the “I love you” game with myself, in hopes that someday I may feel whole enough; to not destroy myself with my own mind anymore.
I am definitely my own worst enemy; because of it…I push people away to a safe distance.
I am easily ALWAYS going to be a work in progress; and I’m trying to embrace that fact daily, because I think I put a lot of unnecessary stress on myself; that makes me lose the parts of myself that I DO like.
It’s hard. Because I don’t want to feel like this inside. And it’s hard to explain to people, because I really don’t much know why I have such ups and downs every single day except that I am bipolar; I’m not willing to go on synthetic meds again; to zombie myself again; to try and stop it.
I do wish I could stop it though.
I have tried for my whole life; to no avail. I gained a bunch of NOTHING doing that.
Who is terrified of failing so much; or being disliked so much…that she doesn’t even start?
I know I am better than that, also that that’s not true.
I am sober. I am also alive.
I see the way people look at me and I wish I could disappear.
When you struggle in your own soul, sometimes it is one of the lonliest places you can ever be.
It’s not a good feeling at all, and that’s why I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all.
I know just writing this will help me refocus and move on for today.
I am not crazy.
I am a broken spirit who searches for light in my own darkness.
I hope today will be better than it started out.
Love Yourself…I’m trying to too.
J. Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME