I called my kids last night and got through.
I had a feeling I would.
I talked to my children, and did a lot of apologizing to them…again.
I don’t want to keep apologizing. It’s redundant and means nothing without action and consistency at this point.
I KNOW THIS.
I’m glad they talked to me. I know I will never have the kind of relationship with them that I want, but I intend to be a friend; I am committed to making it to the point, where they can know in their hearts that I’m a worthy one.
My ex told to be consistent, because I cause them issues when I’m in and out.
I was then torn down and reminded about what a shitty, selfish person I am.
I know I deserve the digs, but I really wish it’d stop. I think it’s really unnecessary and counter-productive.
It’s wishful thinking…
I’m glad I got to talk to my kids.
I’m calling them on Saturdays, and Wednesdays, every week, and continuing to send them mail.
It was made clear to me, that I was not regarded by any of them. I should be consistent, or stay away.
I will be consistent.
If I could change one thing about the situation, it would be the fact that my kids have to have me for a biological mother at all.
It sucks when the truth hurts, and then hearing all the other stuff on top of it that’s warranted, even if it doesn’t fit who I am today. In the end I hurt my kids emotionally because of my issues, and I know it.
I might be fighting a losing battle, but it’s something that I have to fight…
If I dont; then I really am a piece of shit, and I turn my back on the best parts of me that ever lived.
I can’t do that anymore.
No matter what’s happened, there’s simply NO excuse for me hurting my kids, or putting myself in front of them.
I simply couldn’t hold it together, and I have to deal with the reality of that now.
Reality is, I will put my full effort into proving myself to my three remaining children.
Giving up is a cop out…and I certainly don’t deserve one freaking ounce of anything…
I have to earn it.
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME