I Called…

I called my kids last night and got through. 

I had a feeling I would.

I talked to my children, and did a lot of apologizing to them…again.

I don’t want to keep apologizing. It’s redundant and means nothing without action and consistency at this point.

I KNOW THIS.

I’m glad they talked to me.  I know I will never have the kind of relationship with them that I want, but I intend to be a friend; I am committed to making it to the point, where they can know in their hearts that I’m a worthy one.

My ex told to be consistent, because I cause them issues when I’m in and out. 

I agreed.

I was then torn down and reminded about what a shitty, selfish person I am.

I know I deserve the digs, but I really wish it’d stop. I think it’s really unnecessary and counter-productive. 

It’s wishful thinking…

                     …………….

I’m glad I got to talk to my kids. 

I’m calling them on Saturdays, and Wednesdays, every week, and continuing to send them mail.

It was made clear to me, that I was not regarded by any of them. I should be consistent, or stay away.

I will be consistent.

If I could change one thing about the situation, it would be the fact that my kids have to have me for a biological mother at all.

It sucks when the truth hurts, and then hearing all the other stuff on top of it that’s warranted, even if it doesn’t fit who I am today.  In the end I hurt my kids emotionally because of my issues, and I know it.

It sucks.

I might be fighting a losing battle, but it’s something that I have to fight…

If I dont; then I really am a piece of shit, and I turn my back on the best parts of me that ever lived.

I can’t do that anymore. 

No matter what’s happened, there’s simply NO excuse for me hurting my kids, or putting myself in front of them.

I simply couldn’t hold it together, and I have to deal with the reality of that now.

Reality is, I will put my full effort into proving myself to my three remaining children. 

Giving up is a cop out…and I certainly don’t deserve one freaking ounce of anything…

I have to earn it. 

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

           

2 thoughts on “I Called…

  1. This is Jenni just in case it posts weird.
    Thank you. I am waking up a little more each day.
    It’s not so fun at moments, but I know the other side of this is going to be better if I just prove myself with action, and not worry about anything else right now.
    I appreciate the support so much.

    Like

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